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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Support thread for miscarriage and management of it -

109 replies

dorapeppageorgenoddy · 25/02/2013 11:58

Sadly there seems to be a group of us going through a similar experience so I thought a shared thread may help to 'talk' on -

I'm currently hiding from the world in bed, lost all motivation for anything but not sleeping at night, had awful dreams like it was twins and one is still alive.

Had the ERPC on Wednesday evening after a scan in the afternoon, (was meant to be 11 weeks and baby had stopped at about 7 weeks) think that all happened quickly just by coincidence and the fact I hadn't eaten and space on the list etc - but realise everyone story is different -

Anyway I hope we can share and ask questions here, MN had helped me so much in the last 5 days -

Thinking of you all -

OP posts:
Mamab33 · 25/02/2013 16:33

Sorry to hear what you are going through. You are right to do what feels right if you are lucky enough to have the time and space.

No shame in hiding from the world for a while. I found books and dvds a good escape.

It has been 4 weeks since mine and AF has arrived. Had no guidance on this from docs or MW so I was a bit worried. It is not worse than usual and I am relieved that my body is recovering.

Try to be kind to yourself Smile

Mummytothearkbuilder · 25/02/2013 16:47

Sorry to hear your are going through this - it truly is a horrible experience for anyone and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I had a complete miscarriage on 15th after two weeks of being in limbo and not knowing what was going on. I am going back to work tomorrow ( I have had 2 weeks off work).

While I have recovered (mostly) physically I am still feeling battered emotionally and sad that we are back to square one with ttc number 2.

Be kind to yourself and take as much time as you need xxx

dorapeppageorgenoddy · 25/02/2013 17:34

Thanks for your post - it's scary how common it is and how it's just not talked about (in real life) and how the process to move on/heal is very much a lonely process up the individual -

Felt a bit manic this afternoon crying to country music after a hot bath but I think it was just permission to cry -

OP posts:
Mummytothearkbuilder · 25/02/2013 19:32

I did the same yesterday - just felt like I needed a really good cry so put on music that I knew would set me off and just cried for ages - think DH wondered what an earth I had been doing upstairs when I came down all puffy eyed!!

I'm back to work tomorrow and feeling really nervous about it - hope nothing sets me off!! X

Mamab33 · 25/02/2013 22:45

Thinking of you both.

Hope you get on well back at work Mummytothearkbuilder

I have not told anyone in RL. Not sure why?? Found myself consolling an ex colleague who MC'd in Jan. Think it is just too raw atm. Maybe I need a good cry too...keep welling up at tv ads and silly things!

dorapeppageorgenoddy · 03/03/2013 15:27

Ickle and others hopefully we can find some comfort sharing here -

Following on from the words on the other thread - I found these of comfort from the miscarriage association website;

'You are sad not just because of what you have lost but because of what will never be.'

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icklemssunshine1 · 03/03/2013 16:10

dora so pleased you started this thread. The week between finding I had the MMC and the ERPC I was surprisingly calm. Don't know if it was shock, disbelief or complete focus on ERPC. Now it's over I just feel empty - definitely the grief is for what won't be. I also didn't expect how painful it would be to hear that my friend & colleague is due 10 days after what would have been my EDD. Seeing her yesterday was hard but glad I did. I now have xon

icklemssunshine1 · 03/03/2013 16:13

Sorry for incomplete msg - stupid iPhone!

I now have completely new worries: when will my period return, wil my fertility be affected, do I even want to put myself through this again?

Hope everyone is looking after themselves & having people looking after them!!

dorapeppageorgenoddy · 03/03/2013 17:56

It's so hard to know what's best in regard to TTC - strangely I also think about timing in regard to the school year/maternity and returning - but that's just cause teaching is so structured -

The lovely consultant we saw said one in three pregnancies end in miscarriage, which is so many...I like you think I could try again but if it happened again I would be floored -

That hysterical sobbing I was doing in the scan room saying just tell me, I can see there's no heartbeat so just confirm it - haunts me and the silent horrible internal scan to confirm and measure things was horrid and the hours of sobbing after and waiting for the ERPC and all the next day was unbearable -

But what saddens me is how quickly things move on and cause the due date is September, all the talk of jobs and new academic year, I drift into a dream world of how I should be at home with a newborn then -

I know so many people have lots of sad and sadder stories and it is so calming to read them all as it proves how strong women are, even when we feel broken, we can and do carry on -

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icklemssunshine1 · 03/03/2013 19:07

I remember saying to DH when we for our BFP that I could get the most if the maternity pay - starting maternity in Sept & going back before end of July. Maybe I shouldn't have been so smug! It'll be very difficulty going back in Sept. Yesterday my friend told me of her friend who had miscarried but managed to be pregnant by her EDD. I have another friend who had a miscarriage who has also told me she became pregnant quite quickly - it's almost like everyone expects me to want to TTC immediately. Even my MIL said - when I told her I was opting for an ERPC & not medical management - 'oh that'll be good for getting pregnant quicker'. It's almost as if this baby has been forgotten & it's time to get a new one!

Did you tell colleagues what had happened? My dep know, one of SMT (who organises cover) & the head, no-one else as far as I'm aware. What age group do you teach? I teach 11-18 & they're most little buggers so its their questions I'm not looking forward to. My pupils are also quite arrogant & even if you're away from one lesson they get offended that a supply teacher takes them - God knows what they'll be like having had supply for 10 days!! Maybe I'll just shout 'I had a MMC' and stand back and watch their reactions!!

My DH has Mondays off from work so we're going to have a nice family day tomorrow. Finally take DD to the safari park - the activity we were planning to do over half term on the day I found out about the MMC.

How's work for you now?

Shellywelly1973 · 03/03/2013 19:42

I've been posting in this small&caring part of MN since last Saturday.

I have 5dc. I've never had a mc. I had been very worried but i put that down to age etc.

Im left feeling so empty& raw...

I can't stand the noise of my dc. I don't care about the house/ uniforms /shopping. I don't want to go back to work. I don't want to do anything but as of tomorrow everything is 'back to normal'

How do you go back to normal?

icklemssunshine1 · 03/03/2013 19:51

Shelly I wish I knew the answer. I also want to hide away but I know that I can't & I've also been a person who faces problems head on so that's what I'm going to do. 10 years ago I was married to someone else & he walked out after I found he had been having an affair. I would cry from the moment I got up to the moment I got to work & then as soon as I got in my car at then end if the day I would cry once again. I imagine that's what I'll so come Weds when I return to work because eventually the crying became less & less until one day I met my wonderful DH, had my beautiful DD and now it's hard to even imagine I was married before! As dora said in her last post, we're strong. We may not feel it at the moment but with each day a little of that strength will return. We must believe that :)

Shellywelly1973 · 03/03/2013 20:17

I don't understand why I've fallen to bits...

I have a ds with ASD. I dealt with it head on... It took 2yrs to get a diagnosis. He was diagnosed at GOSH. Dp couldn't cope,so i dealt with everything by myself. Even the day of the diagnosis, i went by myself. I started to cry as i left but i told myself how lucky ds was to get a diagnosis. I just dealt with it.

Youngest ds is visually impaired, again just coped with it.

Deaths in the family, health problems to do my parents. Dp went through life threatening surgery last year. Redundancy...

I've coped with much worse. A MMC at 12 weeks is no where near as bad as what life can throw at you!

I feel like I've been kicked in the back of my legs...i can't carry on as normal & i don't actually want to. I feel like i want to escape for a bit, just get away for a while& not deal with everything & everyone.

Honestly if i had someone to look after the dc i would go away for a bit. I've never felt like this, i normally want my dc around when something happens. They make me feel normal.

I hate being in my own skin at the moment!

icklemssunshine1 · 03/03/2013 20:40

I'm so sorry Shelly, you sound like you're having a really hard time coping at the moment. I'm having very dark moments but trying to think logically, telling myself its a mixture of grief, fear & the hormonal crash. Is there anyone IRL who can help? Can your OH take responsibility of the DC's for a bit? Maybe a trip to your GP tomorrow could help too - just talking can make a difference x

MrsSpencerReid · 03/03/2013 21:14

Just popping in to say hello, found our nearly 2 weeks ago at what should have been 8w dating scan baby was measuring 5w due to a blood preg test I'd had I knew then I'd mc, had a scan last ties which confirmed but I'd already started bleeding and cramping, passed the sac etc wed and bleeding has stopped now, thought I was ok until OH evil bitch cousin popped round to mil earlier with her 20w bump Hmm I didn't like her before so you can guess how much I like her now! Not back at work till 3w on Monday as I'm on annual leave but I work with babies and children so not looking forward to that! I can't believe how common this is but no one talks about it, my friends in rl have been so supportive even though they haven't experienced it so I'm glad they know, but am glad I can talk to people here too Smile

goosey123 · 03/03/2013 23:06

I thought I would say hello too, I'm about a week or so behind many of you and 'met' some of you on previous threads. I had mmc confirmed on wed. light bleeding just started today and booked in for erpc on wed if not done by then. I hate the fact that the beginning stages of miscarriage are so similar to how my labours have started. I should be going into labour around now to my baby boy I lost last year. Weird writing that down. I strangely feel like I've bought this on myself. What the hall was I thinking of trying for another baby again.

luckily I work with a team of very insightful, wise people, who stopped me going in last Thurs, and have made me take this week off. Sometimes you really need to be told to go and have space to grieve...

Quodlibet · 03/03/2013 23:17

Hello all, same story here but 2 months on.
What I am learning is that logic has little to do with it. Shelly, your MC is not a lesser life hurdle than any of the other things you mentioned. I think maybe the fact that MC is barely ever talked about means we spectacularly fail to appreciate in advance how devastating it should be, and try to rationalise it and tell ourselves we should get over it.

I had the realisation today that I feel guilty for mine. Logically, I know I didn't cause it, and I have not been acknowledging that I feel responsible, but despite how illogical it is, on some deep level I do. It doesn't make any sense, but there you go.

dorapeppageorgenoddy · 04/03/2013 07:50

So sad reading this stories,

I think the main thing to remember which my mum told me is the importance of acknowledging the loss, so not disregarding as something less important, but allowing yourself to heal by acknowledging and reminding loved ones what happened and how you are feeling -

That all sounds obvious but its so easy to keep it here on MN and in our own minds -

Some ideas I have read about in the past is to plant a tree or plant in the garden to acknowledge the miscarriage or something symbolic that suits your family, letting a helium ballon go or similar but this release is meant to help -

I think normal does happen again but don't force it, the grief that feels heavy like stones in your stomach we carry with us, until we learn to put the stones somewhere, its not that you forget but you learn to leave them and then revisit them -

Ickle - the worst thing about returning was the adults and there desire to know why I was away/ill - the children are younger so ok - I had told the Head and the DH -

I feel sad that I have been robbed of what we had planned and hoped for - but I also feel guilty-

Thinking of you all - and hope to 'talk' more on here

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Shellywelly1973 · 04/03/2013 13:53

How is everyone doing today?

I had planned to keep busy but so far all i have done is to go to Tesco.

I have been sitting looking at stuff on the lap top for nearly 3 hours and its not helping!

Everything is back to normal here. Dp back at work, me doing everything, same old, same old.

I feel really hurt & offended by my dp, family & friends. No one called or texted over the weekend. My sister texted me this morning but it was to ask if dp could help with something. Dp hasn't called or texted all day, he didn't even help with the dc this morning.

I know i am different in the respect i have dc & i am older but it still hurts. I do appreciate the dc i have, but even the oldest two didn't ask if i was ok.

I wish i could make the heavy feeling in my heart go away. I wish i could do something to feel better, what do other people do? Any advice would be appreciated.

icklemssunshine1 · 04/03/2013 15:05

Shelly I too feel let down by the response I've had by some people IRL. Some friends have been incredibly supportive, texting, calling , popping round whilst one person who is in my circle of close friends has not contacted me at all - not one word! They will feel my wrath when I return to work Weds!

Have had a good day. DH and myself took DD to the safari park today, was good to get out in the sunshine and seeing her face light up at the animals made my day. Just got to keep my mind on happy things.

I too feel incredibly guilty - and I think I have good reason to :( Since last August I've had a herniated disc which I had ongoing physiology for. In December I stupidly went bowling for my birthday and undid all the good work and my physio said concerned her treatment obviously wasn't progressing my recovery so stopped treating me and referred me to an orthopedist. In that time (the time I unknowingly fell pregnant) the pain was so bad I began to take painkillers my GP prescribe back for me in August - Tramadol. Since this has happened I've looked up the effects of Tramadol and the NICE recommend this isn't taken at all during pregnancy. I feel sick at the fact that I may have caused this :( I've taken the decision to not to TTC until after my back has healed. In January I saw the ortho but he wanted to send me for a MRI - that's when I told him I was pregnant and he then said he couldn't treat me. First step - get better!

Hope everyone else is okay. Starting to worry about returning to work now - time to start practising the fake smile!

Quodlibet · 05/03/2013 11:02

Ickle, that's a hard thought to be having. Please don't beat yourself up. Almost all drugs are not recommended in pg because they've never tested the effects on pg women. It's hard enough to avoid all the stuff you are meant to avoid even when you are deliberately trying to get pregnant, let alone when you aren't. I've been there with the herniated discs and I know how much agony it is. I know me saying this probably is of minimal comfort but I don't think you can draw a direct link between the tramadol and the MC. I also know how impossible it is not to let those thoughts play around your head - it's so hard.
Re your friend who hasn't been in touch - maybe it's not that they don't care, maybe they can't find the words. Lots of people just don't know how to deal with MC.

Tallyra · 05/03/2013 11:33

Hi ladies. It's really nice to see this thread here. I've just fount MN this week and it's so good to be able to talk to people in the same situation as me.

I've had 3 mmc so far, and I've just passed edd for the latest one. All stopped growing before 9 weeks, but the first one wasn't diagnosed until the 12 week scan. I also had hyperemesis each time and was hospitalised for rehydration each time - 3 times in the first pregnancy, twice for the second and once for the 3rd. The consultant was the same each time and for the last 2 she was fantastic and supportive - I was in hospital at 7 weeks, so she took me round to her consulting scan room and checked before the start of the day last time.

It all kind of blurs into one now, I've got so used to what happens now that I think I just go through it all in a dream. As I was already in hospital they managed to get me booked in for the erpc within the day for my last 2, which helped me so much mentally.

The first time I already had the shock of knowing it hadn't been growing for at least 3 weeks, and then having to wait nearly a week for erpc. I had depression for nearly a year after it - compounded by having been self-employed and needing to give up work due to the sickness. I spent about 9 months moping at home, after begging for some sort of counselling which they begrudgingly gave me 2 months after erpc after I phoned up the epu and just cried down the phone at the lady on the other end.

We are going to ttc again (I must be mad, cos I'll almost definitely be hospitalised again and ill for the majority of the pg) but I'm going to see the doctor first to see what tests they can offer. They are stupidly bad about offering anything without being pushed for it first, and I've only just found out there is a vaginal swab that they should have done to check for any infections, and they should have offered me an ultrasound to see if anything is out of place. They did, however, send off the 'product of conception' for genetic testing on my 3rd. Turns out it was just a random mutation so they don't see why we shouldn't try again. This was said by the consultant and the doctor. It's not quite as simple as that - point me to the testing labs first please!!!!!

I still burst into tears at random things, but I've got the depression under control. Don't let yourself slide so far that you end up sitting at home crying all day - it's OK for a short while but if it starts to feel a little overindulgent or something that's going on too long, do what I did. Cry down the phone at someone, possibly the place that did the erpc. Let them know you're in trouble. Don't let yourself lose a year of your life like I basically did.

By the way, my boss had a baby the week before my edd. It's SO hard to cope when she brings her in to see everyone. I'm so happy for her but stupidly sad for me at the same time, it's all a bit moodswingy right now....

SunsetSongster · 05/03/2013 13:12

Hello. Sorry that you are all going through this as well. I found out last Saturday at 9 weeks that I have had a mmc. It was probably at 6 weeks as I had some bleeding then but was advised everything was probably ok as it wasn't too heavy, I had pregnancy symptoms and pregnancy tests were still postive.
I have to wait for a 2nd scan this weekend to officially confirm things but I know my dates and the nurse pretty much confirmed it was a mmc.
I haven't taken any time of work and I am finding it so hard to concentrate as I am constantly worrying that things will start naturally. I think I will just have to run home if they do. I think I will opt for medical management and am a bit scared of the whole process. I just want it to be over with as soon as possible. My DH wants to start trying as soon as possible but I don't know - I am very luck that we have our DS and that has been a real comfort to me. While I'm sad that the age gap will be bigger between him and any future DC if we get pregnant again I think I want a bit of space before trying. Anyway, it's good to get it all out. I've told some friends in RL but only by text. I am meeting a friend tomorrow who also had a mc 3 weeks ago and I am a bit worried about upsetting her again but think it will be nice to talk to someone else who has been through it.

Bakingtins · 05/03/2013 22:18

Hi everyone. I'm in the middle of MC3. Can completely identify with wanting to just be alone, but have 2 DCs who have no idea what is going on so have to find a happy face from somewhere. I have been bleeding heavily all day, worried that pads not up to the time taken for the school run etc. Both times previously I've ended up in hospital for scary bleeding so I'm so hoping that doesn't happen again. They don't actually do much anyway, it's just a case of judging whether I can tough it out at home and avoid all the prodding.
dora you seem to have amassed a lot of wisdom for someone who is facing this for the first time. I really identify with the "sadness for what will never be" and also the image of carrying stones - that's EXACTLY what it feels like. After MC2 I redesigned a section of my garden in memory of the babies - I find digging is very therapeutic - and planted it with shrubs and plants that look nice in the months they were lost and expected or that have a link to the names I liked. I flirted with the idea of having pebbles engraved with the dates of the MC to hide in the garden - might just do this now, it would be nice to lay those stones down. Need a new shrub for March/October now.....
I think this is my last time doing this, we had agreed after the last one that we would have one last try, so I feel like I am sad for a child I will now never have, not just the particular baby I've lost, but a potential third child. Never had that before because I always had the prospect of trying again, and TTC again has given me a positive focus.
I'm sorry there are so many of you at the moment going through this, but glad there are folk out there to chat to. I told my mum today, she's not good on the phone in these situations, doesn't know what to say. Normally she'd be down like a shot and take the boys off my hands for a bit, but my Dad is having surgery at the end of the week, which leaves her with not very adequate cliches and no outlet to help. Feel sad that I've made her sad too.

SaggyOldClothCatpuss · 06/03/2013 00:08

Dora what an insightful post.
I can totally relate to the "sadness for what will never be". And the heavy stone. I feel like Im hiding under mine right now.
The further from the MC I get, the crappier I feel. It doesnt help that my neck has gone into spasm, have AF from hell and my car is off the road so I am stranded. I havent left the house in 2 days and just sit here watching TV.
I feel like I want to do something symbolic like leaving that stone somewhere. If my garden wasnt such a pit I would make a little corner, with a literal stone, and the ashes of my beloved dog who passed last year.

Ive put a forget me not in the Miscarriage Association's meadow. Thats a start.
Im going to try and draw a line as of now. AF is here, POAS finally shows a BFN, and spring is on the way. Everyone else seems to have moved on so I need to too.

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