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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Baby died at 9 weeks.

28 replies

DonkeyTeapot · 18/06/2012 21:38

I went for my 12 week scan today, as soon as the sonographer started I could see that there was no movement on the screen. She said she couldn't find a heartbeat and that the sac was measuring 9 weeks. I saw the doctor and asked if there was any possibility that there had been a mistake (although I knew there wasn't really). She explained that they would be able to detect a heartbeat by this stage even if I was only actually 9 weeks pregnant. (I was 12+3 by my last period but think it was less by actual conception date.) I took the tablet, and have to go back on Wednesday for the rest.

I sort of knew this pregnancy wasn't going anywhere. It popped into my head out of nowhere when I was about 7 weeks. I just couldn't see it happening, but I told myself I was being silly.

From a logical point of view, there was obviously something wrong and the body terminated the pregnancy. In principle, I can handle that, and I'd much rather it happen now than in, say, ten weeks' time.

But, in reality, I've lost my baby and I am so upset. I'm upset for DP, who is putting a brave face on it and being strong for me. I'm upset for DD who is only 11 months and has no idea she would have had a sibling around new year.

I don't know what else to say, and I don't know what I want anyone else to say really. I guess I just have to get on with it.

OP posts:
TheSoggyBunny · 18/06/2012 21:43

Sorry for your loss:(

HumphreyCobbler · 18/06/2012 21:43

I am so sorry to hear this.

It is unbearably horrible to find out that you have lost your baby. I can only offer my sympathy, but it is heartfelt.

Look after yourself.

PissyDust · 18/06/2012 21:47

Look after yourself, keep your family close and don't try to rush back into things.

You are right that from a clinical point of view and tbh most people you tell from now will think or even dare say "it wasn't meant to be"

But you have lost your baby, your future as you knew it as yesterday and that will take time to recover from.


DonkeyTeapot · 18/06/2012 22:00

Thank you everyone. My family didn't know I was pregnant - mine are a long way away, we're on good terms, but not particularly close, and I just didn't want to tell them until I knew it was "safe." DP's family are nearby, but telling MIL would be akin to putting it in the paper, in terms of keeping it quiet. A couple of friends knew, that's all.

I am dreading Wednesday. Actually I'm dreading tomorrow, but only because I will be seeing MIL and will have to converse and be normal. Bah, this sucks. Can we please fast forward to a few weeks from now, when everything will have settled down?

OP posts:
HumphreyCobbler · 18/06/2012 22:02

Do you have to see your MIL? Could you plead illness or something?

PissyDust · 18/06/2012 22:04

Cancel MIL, seriously, you are allowed to be selfish right now. Get your DH to make an excuse and keep her away.

I meant family as DH & DC, your little family.

You wil need time to recover, you may feel very tired and emotional and no one can tell ou how long you will need to feel better/rational.

DonkeyTeapot · 18/06/2012 22:11

I do have to see her really. DD is going to spend the day with her so she'll be here to collect her in the morning. I am supposed to have a driving lesson, which I have cancelled, but am not telling MIL that as she'll ask why. To be honest I could really do with her taking DD so that I can wallow in peace without having to be cheerful and normal for my baby girl. Bless her she is lovely, she has been smiling all day and being her usual gorgeous self, but I really could do with the break. DP is taking tomorrow off work but will have to hide as him being home would raise even more questions.

With any luck, it'll be FIL that comes to collect DD, he's a man of few words and will usually clear off pretty quickly.

OP posts:
PissyDust · 18/06/2012 22:17

Make sure your DD is all ready at the door and I hope your MIL takes the hint Grin how is your DH holding up?

HumphreyCobbler · 18/06/2012 22:19

I hope it goes ok, you will probably find that your social instincts will take over and you will be able to chat with MIL without problem.

DonkeyTeapot · 18/06/2012 22:27

DP is sad but hiding it. Not quite DH yet, we got engaged two weeks ago though :) He is being very attentive, I think he is worried in case I'm in pain or anything. I'm not, particularly, I have a slight crampy stomach and some bleeding has started, but it's fine at the moment. I think we are both just a bit... I don't know. Not sure what to do with ourselves.

OP posts:
HumphreyCobbler · 18/06/2012 22:33

It is neither one thing nor another, is it? A horrible situation. I am glad you and your DP (DH to beSmile) will have a day together tomorrow. It is a real rollercoaster of emotion.

hang on in there

WhyAlwaysBoris · 18/06/2012 22:37

Donkey Teapot I am so, sorry to hear about your baby.

I have lost two in the last six months, the first one i only found out had died at the 20 week scan, so i know how bloody awful those screen images are when there is no movement.

The second one was much, much earlier, but honestly, it was still a baby to me, and I was still heartbroken, as i'm sure you are.

I have no living DC's, so can't imagine how difficult it must be for you to keep a brave face on around DD. I hope tomorrow the pick up goes as quickly as possible and you and your DP can have some time together. Please PM me if there is anything i can do for you.

FishfingersAreOK · 18/06/2012 22:37

Sorry for your loss. Sending you a hug.

PissyDust · 18/06/2012 22:38

It does get better with time

Big un MNhug

But please do give yourself time. I didn't & I really regret it and so did my DH!

stmoritzsmells · 18/06/2012 22:43

Really sorry for your loss op xxx

Just wanted to, as irrelevant as it may sound, give you a bit of advice in terms of the tablets. My bleeding got extremely heavy and I was in a lot of pain after my mc. Rest Rest Rest, no heavy lifting or moving about all the time and like the other posters said, keep mil away for a bit, as well as other people. It's an emotional time and tbh my feelings didn't hit me until afterwards. Time to look after your body and take it very easy. Be kind to yourself and give it time x

DonkeyTeapot · 18/06/2012 22:48

Thank you Boris, I really appreciate that, and I'm sorry for all you have been through too. DD is great, when she smiles I can't not smile back - but I will be glad to have the time to ourselves tomorrow.

Part of me wants to try again asap - there would have been 18 months between DD and the baby, and although this pregnancy caught us by surprise (been using protection except for one time!), we were so glad that the age gap was what we wanted, we were hoping for 18mo - 2yrs.

Another part of me wants to throw myself into organising the wedding - we had May in mind, but that was based on me not wanting to be a pregnant bride - no offence anyone, I've already had one DD "out of wedlock" as my mother would say, I just didn't want to be huge in my wedding pics :)

A third part of me thinks I probably ought to just chill out for a bit. That's the hard part, as it's so tempting to fill my time and thoughts with other things.

OP posts:
WhyAlwaysBoris · 18/06/2012 23:07

Also meant to say, i have received really wonderful support from the just miscarried and ready to try again thread (can't remember the exact wording but something like that. You don't have to be actively trying again to be welcome there, there is also a loitering section.

DonkeyTeapot · 18/06/2012 23:16

Ooh, I am good at loitering, I might have a look, thanks :)

Meant to say, Pissy (May I call you Pissy? Seems rude, somehow) Don't slap yourself too hard, it may be a cliche but it is true, I know.

OP posts:
randomimposter · 19/06/2012 07:07

so sorry for your loss :(

sadly MCs are so SO common, and you'll probably find lots of women you know will suddenly reveal their hidden MCs too.

I have had 5, but now 24 weeks with DS2.

Take your time to recover, enjoy lots of wine and pate or whatever your thing is, enjoy DD, and if you decide to TTC again good luck.

Just saw your thing about the age gap, yes our first gap would have been 21 months, then 2y3m, then 2y9m, then I just stopped calculating it. My DS has just turned 4 and on reflection I have been lucky to have all this time with just him.

Take care.

lotsofcheese · 19/06/2012 08:59

Am so, so sorry. I went through the same thing exactly 2 weeks ago today. My whole world has turned upside down. It's such a shock.

I found my DS kept me going too, being so busy with him took my mind off things a bit.

And our poor DP's suffer too. I sometimes think men get forgotten with m/c too.

I guess we're grieving for the loss of a child, one that was wanted & loved.

I've been signed off work & am trying to do some nice things for myself.

Take it easy & don't expect too much of yourself for a wee while xxx

DonkeyTeapot · 19/06/2012 09:20

Morning folks. I had a reasonable sleep, and feel a bit better today. The last thing DP said to me was "I think sleep might be a while coming tonight" before he passed out. I think we were both exhausted.

Am just waiting for the in-laws to come and collect DD and then DP and I are going to go out for the day and do something nice. Probably just lunch somewhere and a nice walk, but we haven't done that with just us, since DD was born.

Lotsofcheese I am sorry you're going through this too. I'm glad you have soem time off work to deal with things. You look after yourself too.

OP posts:
lotsofcheese · 19/06/2012 09:34

Glad you've had a good night's sleep & have the chance to do something nice with DP.

I was thinking about your comment regarding "knowing the pregnancy was going nowhere". I think sometimes we just "know" (or maybe it's a defence mechanism). I had the most awful feeling of impending doom the night before I found out, guess it was all the hormones crashing down.

Anyway.... Have a nice day with DP - enjoy it as much as you feel able to xxx

WhyAlwaysBoris · 20/06/2012 09:56

Hi Teapot, i hope you and your DP were able to have a nice day together yesterday, in spite of everything.
I just wanted you to know i am thinking about you today.
Hang in there, love Boris

DonkeyTeapot · 20/06/2012 12:50

Thanks Boris, DP and I went fishing :) Only for an hour, off the breakwater (we live by the sea), I caught two sand eels - weeny things normally used as bait - hardly a gourmet feast, but DP caught NOTHING! HA HA! Then we went looking for seals, saw a couple but quite far off.

Started with cramps in the afternoon, got pretty painful in the evening, I started bleeding lots, and ended up going to hospital at 11pm as I was just soaking pad after pad. They examined me and cleared some out, and the bleeding slowed right down. They kept me in until this morning, did a scan and saw that there was nothing left to come out apart from a bit of blood, and let me come home.

Suffice to say, it was horrible, but the staff were lovely and DP has been brilliant. And it has really helped to have you lot here too. Thank you all xx

OP posts:
HumphreyCobbler · 20/06/2012 13:00

I am glad you are out of hospital, and wish you a peaceful few days.

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