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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

Found out at scan today the baby has died

26 replies

lurcherlover · 15/05/2012 16:03

Heading says it all really...second pregnancy (have 18 month old DS who I am so so grateful for right now), planned and wanted...should be almost 14 weeks by dates and went for routine dating scan this morning. I have had no bleeding or pain, have had morning sickness, needed to start wearing maternity trousers a few weeks ago...so was feeling so excited about the scan, not worried at all. Then a few seconds in the monographer says she's so sorry, she can see the baby but no heartbeat. A second opinion confirmed it. Size-wise the baby was about 9 weeks so I have been carrying it dead inside me for almost 5 weeks with no mc symptoms at all. I'm in total shock and devastated. The hospital were lovely and explained the options and I have opted for ERPC, although there are no beds so I have to go tomorrow morning and hope they can fit me in, and potentially go back daily until there's a slot. Can anyone advise what I should do about work? I'm a secondary teacher and really stressed about being off but I know I need to give myself time to try and heal. If I have the procedure tomorrow, will I be ready for work on mon or am I being unrealistic? I don't want to start crying at work but at the same time the thought of being off with gcses and a levels imminent is almost as bad :-(

OP posts:

ditavonteesed · 15/05/2012 16:05

no advice re work, just wanted to say sorry.

Rollersara · 15/05/2012 16:05

So sorry :(

doormat · 15/05/2012 16:06

kilmuir · 15/05/2012 16:08

I had this, but i opted for a 'natural' miscarriage. I kept busy, helped me, and then at end of day i had a cry in the bath.
I wish you well

surroundedbyblondes · 15/05/2012 16:09

oh, I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't have any practical/medical advice for you, but just to say that I think that you need to take care of yourself and spend some time cocooning with your partner and your darling DS.
take care x

EthelredOnAGoodDay · 15/05/2012 16:16

So sorry for your loss. I had a similar experience earlier this year, although both my scan and the loss happened earlier on. I was in a similar boat in that I had a big deadline coming up at work, typically, a week after I had the ERPC. I had the ERPC on the Saturday and was back at work just for one day the following Wednesday (working pattern was mon-wed). Doctors note signed me off for up to a week. Ideally I would have taken the full week, but was lucky that my post op bleeding was very light and I felt pretty well again after a couple of days.
Sending my best wishes. X

ThatllDoPig · 15/05/2012 16:18

So sad. I hope you are ok and are surrounded by support. Work isn't as important as looking after yourself, do what you need to do.

BranchingOut · 15/05/2012 16:28

I am an ex-teacher and have known colleagues to be off for a week, sometimes more in these situations.

Sorry, you must be devastated.

xkcdfangirl · 15/05/2012 16:34

So sorry to hear this.

I've not had this situation myself but I understand that after the procedure you could be bleeding for up to two weeks, and you may not feel up to working during this time. Physically, you'd be unlikely to be feeling crampy and uncomfortable by 5 days after the procedure. Emotionally, you could be on a roller-coaster for months and you need to be able to cut yourself some slack when you need it. Accept that it is entirely possible you could start crying at work, but this could be true for quite some time. You will need time to grieve, but you can't schedule this in advance - it may not come immediately and you could find that even a year from now an unconsciously insensitive comment from a colleague or pupil has you dashing for the ladies.

It's not a decision we can really help you make as only you know how you feel. Some women would find focusing on work helps them get through this awful time and that being off work with nothing to do makes it worse. Others would not be able to focus on work until their body is back to normal.

If you don't feel you can be fully effective in your teaching, you won't be doing your pupils any favours if you were struggling in and being there physically but not really there mentally or emotionally. If this is how you are feeling, they will be better off if you are absent from school and your colleagues pull together to give them the support they need.

Quenelle · 15/05/2012 16:34

I'm so, so sorry lurcherlover.

I had pretty much the same thing happen. I can't advise about the ERPC because I was booked to go back for one but the same night I found out it happened naturally.

DH and I had booked the week off to spend half term with DS so I didn't have to worry about what to tell work. It was hard going back the Monday after but staying at home would have been worse. It was better for me to keep busy.

I'm really sorry.

browneyesblue · 15/05/2012 16:36

I'm so sorry for your loss - it really is an awful feeling.

I had a MMC (about 9 weeks) in Feb followed by an ERPC at the beginning of March. I had to wait a week for the ERPC, and I think during that time I did a lot of my crying, hating the world, and trying to come to terms with things.

I actually felt a sense of relief after the ERPC. I know that sounds awful, and it's something I've discussed with other ladies on this board, but I found the in-between stage the hardest to deal with. I felt as though I was in a horrible limbo. I was pregnant, but not pregnant, and I was having to deal with the shocking news while I was still hormonal. I also had a 23 month old toddler to look after (although it probably helped to focus on him a bit). I think it helped me to be physically 'not pregnant', rather than just technically 'not pregnant', if that makes sense.

Physically, I didn't feel too bad afterwards, just a little fragile. I didn't have any pain. I was really drained over the following days though. I think it was partly physical and partly emotional. I only had very light bleeding, and that lasted for a couple of days (although I understand from others that sometimes it can last longer).

I rested a lot, took some multivitamins, and was kind to myself. My DH took as much of the workload at home as possible, and I didn't rush back into things. I accepted any help that was offered, and I ranted on MN a bit too.

So you should find that you are physically able to go back to work, but I wouldn't recommend rushing back if you feel you need time for emotional reasons. It may be better to wait until you've had the ERPC and then decide.

Again, I am so sorry for your loss.

Northernlurker · 15/05/2012 18:09

So sorry for your loss. I would let work know that you think you'll be off for at least a week - so back maybe next Wednesday - but that it could be longer dependant on medical advice. That takes the pressure off you and then you can see how you feel.
Your students will manage. After two years working towards the exams they shouldn't be derailed by your brief absence.

Munchin · 15/05/2012 21:22

So sorry lurched lover for your loss. It's an awful shock to get

I found out aty scan on a Tuesday that I had a mmc, was rechecked a week later and had an erpc the next day Wednesday. I had very little bleeding and cramping not that bad. But I was absolutely exhausted and had no energy or will to do anything. I went back to work on Monday that is 5 days after. But found I was very tired after lunch and also very weepy that first week. In some ways it would have been nice to have had longer off but I found work gave me a distraction. It was easier the second week back.

Munchin · 15/05/2012 21:24

So sorry lurcherlover for your loss. It's an awful shock to get

I found out at my scan on a Tuesday that I had a mmc, was rechecked a week later and had an erpc the next day Wednesday. I had very little bleeding and cramping not that bad. But I was absolutely exhausted and had no energy or will to do anything. I went back to work on Monday that is 5 days after. But found I was very tired every day come lunch time and also very weepy that first week. In some ways it would have been nice to have had longer off but I found work gave me a distraction. It was easier the second week back.

Take care of yourself.

Jodidi · 15/05/2012 21:38

I'm so sorry for your loss, it really is a horrible thing.

I had a mc at 12 weeks over Easter. Mine happened a few days before my scan and was completely natural, but I had been getting very excited about the scan and had been wearing mat clothes too.

I'm a Secondary teacher too and can completely understand the worry about your GCSE and A level classes. I miscarried on Easter Sunday so had a week before I was due back at school, but still took 3 more days. I actually think I should probably have taken a bit longer to get my head back into a better place before going back. Physically I could ahve gone back earlier, but mentally I was a complete wreck, still am.

backwardpossom · 15/05/2012 22:33

I'm so sorry, lurcherlover, it's such an awful thing to go through. I found out at a scan last week that my baby had no heartbeat and had stopped growing at 7 weeks. I had a medically managed miscarriage in the end, as I couldn't face the surgery. Like you, I have a DS so am very grateful that he's here as if this was my first, I'd be in even more of a state than I was.

I'm a secondary school teacher too (although in Scotland, so my certificate classes are on study leave already) and I phoned my head of dept that night and she has basically taken over my classes and organised everything. She's phoned me to check how I am and has just been brilliant, really. I've been off for just over a week and am going to go back on Thursday - but only because I feel ok physically and mentally. If I didn't, I wouldn't hesitate at taking more time off. Take all the time you need x

HumphreyCobbler · 15/05/2012 22:38

I am so sorry. This just happened to me too. It is shit. I would take a week off as although I felt no pain afterwards and had hardly any bleeding, I needed that time to sort myself out. I am a teacher too, although in a primary school.

Look after yourself.

jumpingjackhash · 15/05/2012 22:39

No advice lurcherlover, I just wanted todaay I'm so sorry and thinking of you. Take care.

MotherSouperior · 15/05/2012 22:42

I'm so sorry for your loss lurcherlover. xx

Original poster

lurcherlover · 16/05/2012 09:36

Thanks so much for all your kind words everyone. They really help. Am currently in the waiting room on the women's unit at the hospital, waiting to see if the can do the ERPC today. They don't know if they will be able to fit me in and potentially won't know til 4pm - obviously I won't have eaten all day in case it goes ahead. And if they can't do it today I have to repeat this tomorrow and every day until it can be done, all the while wondering if I'm going to start miscarrying anyway. So feeling pretty low about everything at the moment.

OP posts:

Jodidi · 16/05/2012 09:44

That's so tough lurcherlover. I'm sorry they don't know if they can fit you in today and you're still in limbo. I hope you get it done today and can start the greiving process. We're here if you need someone to hold your hand.

RabidAnchovy · 16/05/2012 09:57

So sorry

blackcatsdancing · 16/05/2012 09:58

so sorry for your loss. I had a MMC followed by an ERPC in Feb this year. There is a long thread still being used which may be helpful for you to read through as many women have had this awful experince.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/miscarriage/1375926-Just-had-12-week-scan-baby-died-at-8-weeks-what-next

browneyesblue · 16/05/2012 10:46

The waiting must be adding to your stress. I'm sorry you're going through all of this. We are all here for you if you need to talk, or even just vent. Have you got someone there with you?

spicymum · 16/05/2012 11:43

I'm so sorry lurcherlover :(

I have just mc'ed and have taken nearly 3 weeks off since the initial bad news scan. I couldn't face being at work and risking bursting into tears or starting bleeding. If you can, tell 1 or 2 sensitive colleagues who can cover for you if anyone asks why you're away.

As some others have said, being in limbo is in some ways the hardest bit. It's extra unfair on top of everything else.

Take care of yourself x

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