Finally facing that I am not ok.

[Caroline2103]

Hi, I was wondering if anyone could help me, save me from myself. I have never been on any website like this because I have never asked for any help, but I am drowning in my own misery and a very good friend of mine told me about this website and told me to share on here to see that I am not on my own.
On the 11th September I suffered a missed miscarriage, I had never even heard of this before. My husband and I had been trying for a baby for two years we both have fertility issues, he has antibodies in his sperm which gives him a low count and my body does not ovulate on a regular basis. We had had alot of tests and I even had a laproscopy. We were then told by the NHS that if we wished to have any further treatment then we would need to pay. That was in February. We decided to give ourselves another year of trying on our own. Financially treatment was not viable anyway.
So when my period did not arrive in June we were over the moon, words cannot describe that feeling when you finally get that second line on your test. The morning before our scan I woke up and was bleeding, in that single moment I knew it was all over. We were told by the hospital to wait until the next day to have a scan to confirm as we 'had an appointment already!'.....Needless to say that night was horrific! The next day we had it confirmed that we had lost our baby at 8 weeks but my body had continued on as if pregnant. The words the nurse said to me that day still haunt me now. Everything after that moment is a blur. I get up everyday, I go to work, come home and then I go to bed. Everything inbetween feels fake. I'm never truely happy anymore and I don't know what to do. People keep telling me things like, 'it obviously wasn't meant to be' and 'it wasn't your time' people have even said, 'Maybe next time' and the worst one of them all, 'At least it was early on' and I hate it, I hate them for saying it.
I just feel like there's no one to talk too, and I feel like i'm all alone in this black hole of pain and misery. Everyday I cannot help but think about what I would have looked like, felt like.

How long will this last? Is this normal. Am I ever going to be able to move forwards?

Hi Caroline.
People struggle to say the right things to comfort you when you mc, I was incredibly upset by someone saying to me that 'it was for the best' - they were trying to be kind, but just chose the wrong words.
Trying for a baby can be incredibly emotionally consuming and I recall it was just on my mind constantly, I had a mmc and then many months of ttc with no success.
It sounds like you are still grieving and really struggling to come to terms with this.
What are your options for treatment? Is it still financially difficult?

I can't help you here, but feel for you. Sadly MC is terribly common, and there will be MNers who will be able to give you some advice and share their experience with you. Hopefully posting on here will be a small step to coming to terms with your grief.

I think so to.
Our options are ICSI IVF due to us both having problems. It is still financially impossible. My husband has a daughter from a previous marriage who is 19 and wonderful but this means are not able to get funding. We have been told it will cost 5k.
My heart tells me that we have done it once alone we can do it again, we are trying again but I am terrified. I don't know if I could go through this again??
I have never wanted anything so much with all my heart and sole and on that morning when it all finished I think a little bit of me did too.

Thank you, just writing that first thread made me sigh with a kind of relief.

Was it your first pregnancy? I was surprised (after having a mmc myself) to find out how common it was for 1st pregnancies to fail.
Do your fertility issues mean that falling pregnant naturally is hard? If so, I suppose one grain of optimism is that you have done so.
Horrible and heart breaking though it was to mc, I think for me, it would have been harder not to try again.

Yes it was my first.
Yes our issues mean its just really hard, I am holding on to that grain believe me. I just want to be completely with it, you know. And I don't want the baby to be forgotten because of a second chance.

Can I ask, were you successful after your mmc?

My cousin had 2 mmc. I know how heartbroken she was and how awful you are feeling. It is grief you are going through and horrible as it sounds now, time will help.

The only thing I would add is that my cousin did go on to get pregnant again, and her little boy will be 1 next month.

I really wish you very very well and hope things work out. Look after yourself and your DH.

I went on to have (I suspect) another very early mc, I hadn't tested, but felt a bit odd, but then my period arrived. We ttc for about another year (getting increasingly gloomy) went to see the GP, who said you haven't been trying long enough and you're not 35 (I was 34) which are the usual markers, but referred us the the EPU anyway, and whilst I was waiting for the appointment, I fell pregnant, and was lucky enough to have an easy trouble free pregnancy and now have a lovely little girl who is 4.
The gap I felt after the mc was filled, but I have never forgotten the first one and still have a blanket that I bought for the first baby.
Hopefully some more people will come along with some understanding of the specific issues you're facing.

Caroline Although we didn't have the added stress of the fertility issues you had dh and I tried for 2 years to conceive like you we were overjoyed when we got a bfp and were so excited. At 8 wks I had some spotting it took over a week to get a scan as it was Christmas/new year to be told it was an mmc. I was so devastated and confused by my body I then fell pg 5 months later we had an early scan at 6wks and saw the heartbeat then at 12 wk scan it showed another mmc and 2 mths later an mc at 6 wks we had all the tests were told it was just one of those things and I struggled like hell to move on. I had actually said those awful words "at least it happened early and it was probably for the best if something was wrong" I cringed at them on the receiving end. I think people around me wondered why I was so all the time so I put on a face but I was eaten up inside. Eventually I had some counselling which was the best thing ever and really helped me through a particularly rough stage. My story does have a happy ending and I have a very cheeky boisterous 2 year old ds but I have never forgotten my 3 lost angels who had to happen for me to have my ds.
Have you thought about alternative therapy like acupuncture I don't know much but some ladies seem to recommend it.

Oh and I think my other saviour was definately mumsnet

Thank you Grubbalo, I will. My DH has been amazing through it all. I feel guilty because I know he is suffering too, and I am not strong enough yet to help him.
Beamur, Thank you. Your comments,advise, hell, just to have a conversation about this has already made me feel a little better.
I am glad everything worked out ok for you, thank you for sharing your story.

Hi Buddhabelly thank you for sharing your story. to go through this three times seems impossible to me right now, I am so sorry that you had to go through that.
I know exactly what you mean by putting a face on, I do it everyday.
Things got so unbearable last week my DH and my bff begged me to go and get some help. I didn't want to go to the doctors. My bbf told me about mumsnet and for the last few days I have been reading and bottling out of posting. Tonight I took that step and I am so glad I did.
It feels like I'm making a move. Thank you

Hi Caroline.

You're in the right place for support here. I had a MMC at 14 weeks for my first pregnancy after TTC for 18 months. It was a very hard time and unfortunately we've since gone through it again losing our last at 17 weeks.

However in between we had a lovely little girl who is now 5 years old and a proper little star. And I'm now pregnant again, although it's very early still.

There are many support threads for loss - either for problems TTC after loss, or TTC after loss, or just threads to remember our lost babies. They are great little communities where everyone really understands what you're going through. I tend to chat in the metalling thread for TTC/pregnancy after loss. Everyone there has suffered a loss, some several, but all know what you're going through.

After my most recent loss which was about a month after yours I spent a lot of time in numb denial and grief, not sleeping, self blaming and even self harming. It's grief, it's horrible, but it's real and it's okay.

I hope you find support here.

I found mn so supportive as none of my friends in rl had been unlucky enough to be in our position as you've said just talking/posting is therapy too. But don't feel that it's a bad thing going to the doctors, my gp was excellent she really understood how I was feeling and my anxiety that grew with each mc and subsequent pregnancy and she did everything she could to sort me out!! I still remember each pregnancy but we don't mark each anniversary dh and I decided to light a Chinese lantern on ds's birthday each year as our way of saying thank you for their short little lives. It will get easier and the old cliche of time healing is so true but right now it hurts and everywhere you go are pg women and babies making you feel like the whole world is against you so treat MN as your safe haven for the time being x

I am so very sorry to hear what happened to you. I understand how you are feeling as the same thing happened to me.

I had a MMC (baby died at 8 weeks) I found out at 12, I to had some slight bleeding but absolutely nothing else. I can remember finding out as clearly as if it were yesterday (happened in 2010) I had never heard of MMC until it happened to me, i was absolutely devastated, I felt like my body had failed me by carrying on as normal. An I know what you mean about everything feeling fake but it will start to get better just take it a day at a time.

To cut a long story short I got pregnant again 4 months after my MMC and despite bleeding for the first 16 weeks, numerous scans and visits to the hospital I now have a beautiful baby girl.

Be kind to yourself, it will take a while to feel like you again but you'll get there :)

Hi Caroline - so sorry you are going through this. My first pg ended in a mmc too, at 10 weeks. I had a very little bit of old brown blood and only went to get a scan because the doc told me I should. I really felt that everything was fine, was even sick on the morning of the scan and left my DH behind, saying that it was almost quite exciting to have a reason to go and see the baby. But then it turned out that the baby had probably died at 5 weeks or so even though the pg had lasted 10 weeks - such a massive shock and totally devastating. But my next pg a few months later resulted in my little DS, now 2 and fantastic. I am very very lucky that conceiving is not a problem (although I have had 2 more mmcs since my DH) but for me, getting pg again has always helped me to look to the future.

My hospital has a counsellor who is available for pregnancy-related concerns so perhaps you could ask if you have something similar available. Talking on MN has helped me hugely each time I have lost a baby, and through the terror of new pgs, so my suggestion, like others, would simply be to talk and talk yourself into being able to handle how you are feeling. It never stops being sad but it does stop being so very painful after a while and it isn't betraying the lost baby to come to terms with it.

Take care of yourself.

You never forget that longed for baby but it really does get easier with time.
The fact that you got pregnant should give you hope, I had 3 mc and went on to have 2 beautiful ds without any problems.
Allow time to grieve and good luck.

I also have fertility issues, had two missed miscarriages, saw a gynaecologist who told us we wouldnt get pregnant without treatment and wanted a camera put in my stomach....guess what i fell pregnant the exact same day on ex's birthday!! I now have a healthy 18month old baby boy. I had gone to the gynaecologist cos i had given up on having a baby, and wanted my ovaries removed cos they were so painful. It can happen so dont rule it out. Have you ever though of IVF with egg sharing? It is cheaper in some cases. Just an idea.

Hi, some good news, I mc in October 2011' it was awful and I was told wait till you are ready to try again, I just let it happen, and am now 8+3, I still flit between this thread and pregnancy as I will never stop worrying and thinking it will happen again, but it shouldn't, when it is wright it will be just that, please stay positive and know it will happen for you, x

BuddhaBelly - Chinese Lanterns are a lovely token. We have a willow tree in pot in our garden so that we can take it with us if we move. One day as it grows and I feel ready I am going to plant it somewhere free enough for it to mature, but right now I need to keep it close.

Melatoon4 - Thank you for your kind message, I am glad the sun shone for you and blessed you with a dd.

Ellenandbump - Yes we were given the option of egg sharing but I feel right now that I could not give them away, what if those eggs are my chance. Selfish I know, and if you knew me you would know that I am not a selfish person. I don't even understand why I feel like that. It's almost like I can't bear the thought of someone else being successful with a piece of me when I have failed. Is that crazy???

Chestnut - I wish I had started talking sooner the pain was becoming unbearable and increasingly difficult to live with.

Thank you to everyone who has commented on this thread so far. I know you will all know what I mean when I say that I woke up this morning and I actually felt kinda real! Like I wanted to put my make up on and go to work. I have even booked myself a hair appointment for the weekend!
And all this as a result of one thread, and finally speaking out to people. I know I am not on my own and to read all your stories and then read all your advise and comforts mean so much. I am taking baby steps.

Caroline I'm so glad talking and sharing has helped you a little. It's a roller coaster of emotions you're still going through and you will still get bad days but hopefully they will get fewer and farther between

Oh Caroline I can feel the pain and anguish in your post and I want you to know you are not alone. There are sadly so many of us who are in the same positon and I can identify totally with the feelings you mention, the hopelessness, the going through the motions at work and feeling like you will never truly be happy again.

I had a MC in June as well, it was very very early, at 5/6 weeks and people have said the most awful things (Why are you so upset, it not like you lost an actual baby (mother) You need to move on and not be too upset or it will affect your relationhsip with DH (mil), at least you can get pregnant (numerous).

I felt like no one understood that for me, the minute I saw those 2 beautiful lines I had imagined a whole life and made room for another person.

I had a chemical pregnancy in September and have been trying again since then. Every month I get more and more upset and desperate at the seemingly endless announcements of pregnancies conceived in the first month of trying, and the smooth and easy pregnancies that follow.I am hating the bitter, cynical and miserable person I feel I am becoming.

What I am trying to say is that you are not alone, we all understand how you feel and it NORMAL. You have done it once before and you can do it again.

Keep talking to sympathetic friends and mostly to DH

Farfallarocks, I am so sorry for your loss and I am even more sorry that you were subjected to those reactions. I also got the, 'well at least you can get pregnant' line on numerous occasions but what your mother and mil said...well, I find that hard to swallow.
Absolutley everything you have said Farfallarocks is so true, especially about others. I hate myself for resenting other people but its something I cant seem to control. Two very close friends of mine are pg and we were all due within weeks of each other. They have gone on to have 'normal' pregnancies and although I am very very happy for them, I can't be near them! And I hate it, it's like I'm the elephant in the room, so rather than be uncomfortable I just don't put myself in a situation which means I am with them. Saddest thing is I miss them, they are my friends.
I will keep talking, I think I will keep to talking on here though for now as I find it so much easier.
My thoughts and hopes are with you and I hope everything works out for the good.

Just to say briefly, a year ago yesterday I was in hospital having an ERPC for a missed miscarriage, diagnosed at 11 weeks, ended at 6 weeks. I felt as if the world had ended. As I am typing this now I am holding my 2 week old daughter. I wish that someone could have shown me a crystal ball back then.

I wouldn't have got through it without the people on here, unfortunately so many of them had been through it. They knew exactly how I felt and the answers to the questions I was asking. There is no better support group, certainly not in real life, not for me anyway. People who haven't been there, fortunately for them, just don't get it.

Keep posting, glad to hear you're making progress. One step at a time :)

My first pg ended with a mmc. Like you I had never heard of them and my body continued to act as if it was pregnant. My best friend was also pg and a Y9 where I worked was too. I felt a complete failure, distraught and grieving. Keep talking and give yourself time.
BTW I now have two kids!