Finally facing that I am not ok.

[Caroline2103]

Hi, I was wondering if anyone could help me, save me from myself. I have never been on any website like this because I have never asked for any help, but I am drowning in my own misery and a very good friend of mine told me about this website and told me to share on here to see that I am not on my own.
On the 11th September I suffered a missed miscarriage, I had never even heard of this before. My husband and I had been trying for a baby for two years we both have fertility issues, he has antibodies in his sperm which gives him a low count and my body does not ovulate on a regular basis. We had had alot of tests and I even had a laproscopy. We were then told by the NHS that if we wished to have any further treatment then we would need to pay. That was in February. We decided to give ourselves another year of trying on our own. Financially treatment was not viable anyway.
So when my period did not arrive in June we were over the moon, words cannot describe that feeling when you finally get that second line on your test. The morning before our scan I woke up and was bleeding, in that single moment I knew it was all over. We were told by the hospital to wait until the next day to have a scan to confirm as we 'had an appointment already!'.....Needless to say that night was horrific! The next day we had it confirmed that we had lost our baby at 8 weeks but my body had continued on as if pregnant. The words the nurse said to me that day still haunt me now. Everything after that moment is a blur. I get up everyday, I go to work, come home and then I go to bed. Everything inbetween feels fake. I'm never truely happy anymore and I don't know what to do. People keep telling me things like, 'it obviously wasn't meant to be' and 'it wasn't your time' people have even said, 'Maybe next time' and the worst one of them all, 'At least it was early on' and I hate it, I hate them for saying it.
I just feel like there's no one to talk too, and I feel like i'm all alone in this black hole of pain and misery. Everyday I cannot help but think about what I would have looked like, felt like.

How long will this last? Is this normal. Am I ever going to be able to move forwards?

Congratulations on the birth of your dd. Thats amazing.
Thank you for your kind words. Like I have said previously I only posted for the first time on Monday and I feel so much better already.
Don't get me wrong I have amazing friends and family but like you say, non of them can truely know what its like and understand (thank god)

Hi Caroline,

I have just read your thread after you posted on mine. Really glad to hear you a feeling a little better and finding loads of support here.

Sorry I didn't realise that you had had problems conceiving...I have been there and it really hurts. We took 18 months to fall for 1st baby who we called Pip only to find it was ectopic at 8 weeks, sadly I lost a tube and thought at 38 that was my lot. I fell 8 days later and have beautiful DD. Took another year to fall for No 3 (Bean) which sadly ended in MMC.

You will never ever forget the baby you lost and no one should expect you too, take as long as you need. We are all here to listen.

I had mc in dec 09 and even Sonographer was cold. She said she couldn't see a pregnancy. Made me feel like I'd made it up. 2 days later when I had mc at home on my own. It was a dreadful time, dp was beside himself to the point that he said to stop trying. I just wanted to fall pg again before the due date so I wouldn't have to deal with that heart ache. Managed to convince him to continue and we did fall pg again and all went well. Ds is now 1.
My moms mom tried for 13 years before she fell pg and went on to have 3 children.
Never give up hope because sometimes it's the only thing you have. That darkness will lift but you must believe that it will. I had so many people say such cruel things when I had my mc.
Hope you feel better soon x

Caroline how are you doing?

I have had a couple of really bad days. We have suffered a family loss, my cousin has sadly died and a friend of mine has suffered the most horrific kind of loss and that is one of a newborn. I feel absolutely awful for her and I have no idea what to say to her other than to say that I am here. It brought back all my pain but for her instead if that makes sense?
How does someone survive something like this??

'How does one survive something like this??'

You survive, because the only other option is to not survive.

I can't even begin to imagine what your friend is going through - it's too terrible to even try.

I suffered a MMC, and I was so incredibly sad, angry and lost. Fortunately for me I already had DS1 when I suffered it and it helped me.

You're allowed to be sad, you're allowed to be angry, you're allowed to rage against the world. It sucks, it's awful, and it's not fair. Cry, scream, break plates against a brick wall, you need to let the emotions come out for your sanity's sake. Especially with everything else going on around you, you will be having an emotion overload.

You're mourning not only your child, but all those silly little plans that you come up with, if it's a girl, I wonder if she'll look like me; friend x is pregnant, how great our children will be friends; when I am 40 my child will be X years etc, etc, etc. You're mourning all of that as well, and that's a lot to mourn.

I did fall pregnant again and have a wonderful DS2. In my case I found out I was pregnant just before the EDD, which made it easier for me.

Sending you .