My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum.

Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

confused, potential miscarriage and work/sick day hassles

37 replies

hugahuddy · 09/12/2011 09:54

my 12 week scan was brought forward as i'd had dark bleeding, cramps and passed clots. it doesn't seem to be good news, slow or no development. was thinking scan would confirm but they need to do another to confirm in a week. i thought i'd passed the foetus in clotting but it's still implanted to expecting a natural miscarriage or decision about a procdure, both of which i;m finding frightening.

i've had 3 days off sick, husband has phoned in sick for me. gp been great and said he'd write a sick note if i need time off work. feel in limbo till next scan, feel i might start to miscarry any moment and don't feel i want the drive to work or to be in work if it happens but this might just be soft.

i don't want work to know why i'm off sick. also my boss mentioned to my husband about wanting to know if i have any work to cover. i haven;t spoken to anyone but my husband all week, can't even talk to mum and family as get so upset. i emailed boss to say i had a meeting today feeling this was responsible as really don't give a damn about work at the moment.

boss emailed back saying i had to phone in, can she make me call her, she said the policy said emails are not good enough, i don't want to speak to her, i don't want her to ask me what's wrong. any advice?

OP posts:
Report
KatAndKit · 09/12/2011 10:04

Get your husband to take in your sick note or speak to them on the phone and say you are on bed rest due to gynaecological problems which may result in you needing to have a surgical procedure. You have been instructed to rest in bed and are not up to doing any work of any sort or even thinking about it. You are very unwell and absolutely not to be disturbed. Then don't answer emails or phone calls from work, get your husband to field them or ignore them completely.

You will definitely need a GP sick note, probably for a two week period. It's very reasonable not to want to go to work between now and your next scan. If you don't miscarry naturally by then, you will need time off for the ERPC if you opt for that, and to recover.

You absolutely are not being soft. This is a horrendous thing to go through and right now you just need to look after yourself. Work can wait.

I understand why you might not want them to know, but it can work in your favour if you do get miscarriage written on your sick note. It is illegal to discipline you in any way for pregnancy related sickness. However, "gynaecological procedure" would do just as well if you are sure you don't want them to know.

I'm so sorry for your loss and I hope it is all over soon for you. If you do have to have the procedure, don't panic, it's unpleasant but quick and painless.

Report
KatAndKit · 09/12/2011 10:06

Sorry just realised you hadn't mentioned a partner in your OP. If you are single and going through this by yourself, get your mum or another family member to phone up your work.

Report
NortheyPole · 09/12/2011 10:07

You poor thing, what a shitty situation. Dealing with the work thing first, I completely understand how you must feel, but I think you have to try to tackle it. Could you bear to email your boss back, saying that the nature of your medical situation means that you are in emotional distress and finding it very hard to communicate face to face at the moment. And that you will supply a doctor's note in due course which backs you up in this. And asking if, in the circumstances, work could consider being lenient about the phoning in policy. Maybe copying it to HR, as well.

Report
hugahuddy · 09/12/2011 10:11

that sounds like a much better plan, thank you. i feel dumb for not being able to sort this myself but don't feel i'm thinking straight. you've helped me out already this week and i can't say how amazing this support is, if only you were employed in the NHS there might be less people looking for support elsewhere!

OP posts:
Report
hugahuddy · 09/12/2011 10:14

Northey, that sounds really good. i feel angry at the moment that my boss had added this hassle, i haven't been off sick in years and been in this job 18 months with no sick days so i hoped i'd be trusted.
i hope one day i can be wise enough to help people out on mn, been an absolute rock this week, thank you.

OP posts:
Report
NortheyPole · 09/12/2011 10:15

No need to feel dumb at all. When my pregnancy went tits up my FIL (who didnt know, btw) asked if I would like tea or coffee, and I was completely befuddled and like a rabbit in headlights. It removes your ability to think properly about the simplest situation, let alone a complicated one like yours.

Report
teenswhodhavethem · 09/12/2011 10:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

funnypeculiar · 09/12/2011 10:19

You poor thing - and of course you're not being soft. My thoughts are with you & your husband

Fwiw, I had a threatened miscarriage right after my 12 week scan - my lovely GP signed me off work for a week on the policy that, whilst it probably wouldn't make any difference whether I rested or went to work, it would be so much better for me emotionally to be resting, so that if things did end badly I could never blame myself for rushing around too much. (Does that make sense?) So I think having the time off before the next scan is really sensible, and definitely not a soft thing to do.

But I agree with Northy that you just need to deal with work & get them to back off. From their pov (esp if they don't have any idea why you're off work) they probably thing you're swinging the lead just before Christmas & would hopefully be mortified if they knew they were adding to your distress. They certainly damn well should be.

So, I would email back & say it's not possible for you to talk atm, that you are not likely to be at work for the next couple of weeks (or whatever you feel is reasonable). Let them know that your doctor is writing a letter (& get them to do that asap - will just make your life easier)
But (if you can possibly face it) send a reasonably detailed brief of what needs doing at work/what people will have to cover. Just means it's out of your head and you can switch off from work - & they won't have any excuse to bother you.

I quite understand the desire not to let people know why - that's your decision - but make it clear at least that there may be an operation fairly soon and that it is a serious medical issue. If you want to avoid questions, you might also want to ask your manager not to discuss your illness, due to it's personal nature, or summat.

Report
teenswhodhavethem · 09/12/2011 10:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

NortheyPole · 09/12/2011 10:25

I feel so bad for you - you sound panic-stricken. But the more you can screw yourself up now to put things in order, the easier it will be for them to leave you alone for as long as you need.

Report
hugahuddy · 09/12/2011 10:35

i can see she is sticking to the policy, but i still think emailing the policy when someone is off sick and expecting them to read it is odd. the other concern is our HR person in the department is a gobby cow who doesn't keep HR issues private (a whole other can of worms, work has been very stressful for months with 5 people resigned out of a small dept, i'm secretly a bit angry this stress and confrontation at work didn't help pg go smoothly, rational??!) so really don't want her to get hold of the information but it would be easier if my boss knew but they are thick as theives so can't tell one without the other knowing.

i feel much calmer and like there is a plan, i do need to give them some information but perhaps go gynae/abdominal pain. guess i'll see gp on monday

i'd worry if they knew it was mc they would know i might have a chunk of mat leave due in the next year or two which would make quite an impact on our dept as very small, definitely putting a lottery ticket on this weekend, would make life a little smoother not to have a boss to answer too!....

funny hope it's OK to ask, was your potential mc a mc??

OP posts:
Report
teenswhodhavethem · 09/12/2011 10:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

teenswhodhavethem · 09/12/2011 10:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

hugahuddy · 09/12/2011 10:52

yeah public sector, is it that obvious?! least said about that the better!
i think i need to clarify what my husband said, i have had a bad cold for a couple of weeks so she might think it's related to that. i'll talk to my husband then maybe call in, would be good to get it sorted and out of my head. i guess gp will dictate length of sick note? i've never ad one before, he;s been good though so not too worried.

OP posts:
Report
teenswhodhavethem · 09/12/2011 11:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

baublelugs82 · 09/12/2011 11:43

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns.

hugahuddy · 09/12/2011 11:54

thanks for this. i'm a bit confused now about whether to tell them the whole truth or not, like i said the HR woman cannot be trusted with a secret. i'm not in the union.
i guess i'll have a look at the policy, the sooner this is sorted the better.

OP posts:
Report
KnitterNotTwitter · 09/12/2011 12:00

I've lost three pregnancies and my work have been fabulous with each one. It is a shame if you can't trust the HR lady - that should be a core element of her role so if worst came to the worst you could lodge a complaint against her.

Report
teenswhodhavethem · 09/12/2011 12:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

teenswhodhavethem · 09/12/2011 12:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

minceorotherwise · 09/12/2011 12:10

Go the 'gynea' route and say that you are too poorly to talk. Get the sick note and tell them to expect it. Don't do any of this yourself, get DP to do it. You don't need anymore stress than you already have. Sit down with a cup of tea and your feet up and try to take your mind off it

Report
minceorotherwise · 09/12/2011 12:12

Oh and don't panic about saying you had a meeting, just get DP to say you had a meeting scheduled and you were going to try and struggle along, but things took a turn for the worse and that's wasn't possible

Report
teenswhodhavethem · 09/12/2011 12:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

minceorotherwise · 09/12/2011 12:18

Sorry, I'm not used to the public sector rules, sounds harsh

Report
teenswhodhavethem · 09/12/2011 12:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.