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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

Early and abrupt miscarriage - advice for dealing with emotions

27 replies

jamiesam · 07/01/2006 21:23

Title says it all really. I had a very sudden miscarriage on 22 December in the middle of the night. At home, on the toilet (sorry, tmi). Scan the next day confirmed all gone so no need for any treatment etc.

Because I was only 9wks and 5 days, hardly anybody knew I was pg and so couldn't tell anybody that I'd m/c. So I have been 'happy' all christmas and new year.

Cried for only the 3rd time since m/c yesterday when I phoned EPAU at hospital to discuss an appt they'd offered to discuss what happened. I can't really do this, so have cancelled.

But I'm afraid that when I go back to work on Monday it might all go horribly wrong - when I left work on 21 December I was delightfully, secretly and so happily pg. I fear I've coped by not thinking about it. Actually, just typing this has helped a lot and I think I might try writing a 'birth story'.

Given that I don't want to 'chat' about what's happened, is there anything else I can do, any coping mechanisms, or any advice at all.......?

OP posts:

Frizbetheexpansionset · 07/01/2006 21:33

sorry to hear that hon bump for someone with experience/advice

starlover · 07/01/2006 21:39

hi jamiesam... so sorry to hear about your m/c

i had one at just over 6 weeks and it ws just horrible. the fact that hardly anyone knew made it worse because i had to put on a happy face the whole time and act like nothing had happened.

I don't know if I really have any advice, other than to say if you don't feel like you can chat to someone in RL then you know you're more than welcome to talk about it here!
It may be worth ringing epau back again though, and talking to someone? Sometimes it helps to just get all your thoughts out...

Original poster

jamiesam · 07/01/2006 22:13

Thanks starlover - sometimes it just helps to be reminded that lots of other people have been there too.

OP posts:

starlover · 07/01/2006 22:17

edfinitely... you might find that after a while you do want to talk about it, and that's ok too! i kind of felt like after a while people would think i was weird bringing it back up again, but it did help to talk about it.

i remember feeling like it was my fault, that i had done something that made it happen..
i had a termination a few years before and thought it was a punishment for getting rid of that baby. it was a really horrible time, but it does get easier...

fwiw i fell pg again a couple of months later and now have a lovely little boy

Orinoco · 07/01/2006 23:05

Message withdrawn

Spidermama · 07/01/2006 23:15

I'm so sorry jamiesam.

After both of my m/c's I had a 'letting go'.
In the first I was unable to find the sac so I did a symbolic gesture. My MIL suggested and took charge of this actually and I was really grateful to her because I had no idea what to do. I was all over the place. We took some seeds (you can use anything) to the river and put them in, then all said a few weepy words about the one we had lost (me, dh, MIL and my nephew who was visiting). It felt like a proper funeral and really seemed to help. It's a way of saying 'goodbye'. It hurt badly, but was also cathartic.

With the second I actually had the pg sac and buried it myself at the bottom of the garden.

Let the tears come when the come. Don't stifle them. The hurt will decrease in time, but you have lost your baby (and all the hopes and dreams tied up with this one) so give yourself the time to grieve.

Orinoco · 07/01/2006 23:25

Message withdrawn

desperatehousewife · 08/01/2006 09:55

I recently lost my baby (at 6 months pg) and although I will be given something tangible to bury/scatter I am having to grieve for someone I didn't ever know...so I can understand.

I have found talking exhausting, but very helpful. I have also found writing down my experience helpful. I have also found sometimes just listening to songs which have 'meaning' to me helpful - just sit and cry. Maybe write a short diary each day so you can see tangibly how each day you will feel just a little bit better somehow. Some days you will take 3 steps forward and the next day you'll take 5 back...it's very erratic this process. But just go with it. Don't question your feelings, just go with the flow. Cliche, but you WILL feel better as time goes on, just don't push your feelings.

good luck
x

Yorkiegirl · 08/01/2006 09:57

Message withdrawn

Spidermama · 08/01/2006 18:21

Lovely post DHW.
I agree about the music. There were one or two particular tracks which could just make me feel OK when I was at my lowest. Almost as if someone was there with me when they were on.

I hope you're alright jamiesam. x

Mirage · 08/01/2006 20:00

I'm very sorry for your loss,jaimiesam.

I lost our 1st baby to an ectopic pregnancy just over 3 years ago & still feel sad about him/her.The pain isn't as raw as it was,so time does help.I had nothing to bury,but plan to plant a Lavender bush on my Nan & Grandad's grave for my lost baby.

Someone said to me at the time'When you lose your parents,you lose part of your past.When you lose a baby,you lose part of your future'.It's very true.

Original poster

jamiesam · 08/01/2006 21:06

oh, thanks so much for all the lovely words chaps.

I think the idea of a plant for my mums grave is lovely, and I know when I could do that, not for a little while but something to look forward to. I'm not sure about the diary - I can't bear to look at my diary now as it's so full of the months of ttc and the few weeks when I was deliriously happy and pg. I have two lovely ds, but it took me a long time to persuade dh that we should try for one last baby, it was very wanted and waited for.

DHW and Yorkiegirl - I'm so sorry for your recent losses too. I read an article in the Guardian last night about a woman who'd lost her baby at 5 months pg. I felt awful that someone would have to go through that, when all I had lost was a tiny little bean. On the other hand, the sadness of losing a life before you even knew about it.

I know that one of the things that I find most upsetting is that I did retrieve the sac - sorry if tmi but I had to pluck up courage to scoop it out of the toilet, I saw it fall . However, having taken it to hospital the next day, they've now told me that they only check for a molar pg - ie no tests, not even to measure how old/big it was, only to check that it was a baby. Not sure that it would really take a pathologist over a month to find that out.

It would appear from the length of my posts that I do want to talk, but don't know what else to say.

Thanks everyone, you're great.

OP posts:

Isyhan · 10/01/2006 17:53

Just thought Id look in on this topic as before my lovely daughter was born 6 years ago i had 3 miscarriages in a row. one at 12 weeks on at 7 weeks one at 6 weeks. I then had my daughter. Then 4 years later I got pregnant but miscarried at 9 weeks. Then 4 months ago my second lovely daughter was born. They are both perfect. You come to realise Im afraid that devastating as miscarriage is it is very common.

i hope this gives you hope.

going4potty · 10/01/2006 20:56

Hi jamie, just to say so sorry for what you are going through. you should let yourself feel and react however you need to help yourself through this I know you say you cannot chat, but there are some lovely people here and im sure all of us will support you in anyway we can. With regards to work are you ready to go back yet? You have been through a lot, you could ask your dr to write you a sick note for a little longer. I recently had an ectopic pregnancy and only my boss new i was pregnant to start with and like you i wondered how i was gonna tell people what i was going through when just a week and a bit b4 had been so happy. Must admit just told everyone straight and they were so fabulous. So dont write them of, maybe you could tell each of them one at a time or over time iykwim. Just do whats right for you. It does get slightly easier as the days go by`and its amazing who comes to your support as well. Ive been back two days and ive learnt two people have had previous mcs and although i didnt know them that well. They have gone out of thier ways to approach and talk to me. I hope this rather long winded rambly message gives you some hope and peace. Look after yourself and just post for me if you need to chat.

Original poster

jamiesam · 10/01/2006 22:19

Thanks Isyhan and going4potty. I keep coming back and back to this thread, can't quite help myself.

I'm afraid that my typical way of dealing with these things is to suppress. I was at work yesterday and today and it's not been so bad. Had a little cry in the toilets yesterday and almost burst into tears today when I saw a cryptic note in my diary 'reminding' me when I could announce in team meeting that I'm pg. Unfortunately, there are loads of those sort of dates coming up - I had my MW appt and dating scan booked for this Thurs. That's going to be a hard day.

I must remind myself that I've been lucky in that it was a relatively early mc and I'v not had to have any medical intervention - was all quite personal and intimate in a way. If there had to be a next time I'd not be so inclined to let pathologists at it though - do regret that.

And I had NO IDEA there were so many ttc, antenatal and postnatal clubs on MN - they're bloody everywhere! How come I never noticed them before?

OP posts:

starlover · 10/01/2006 22:22

aww it's always the way isn't it? you don't notice these things (ie all the threads) until something like this happens.

you're doing well, and time DOES help, although it probably doesn't seem like it at the moment.

the best thing about the internet is that you can keep coming back to your threads... and you can say WHATEVER you want! we'll listen

Clary · 11/01/2006 22:01

Jamiesam I have only just found this thread.
I wanted to say sorry about my blunder on the ER thread (don't know if you saw it).
I am so so sorry.
I was so happy for you when I saw you were pg.
This thread is making me cry, esp DespH lovely post.
It seems to me that you are doing the things you need to do. Keep talking, write things down, post here, any way we can help.
This has never happened to me and I know how lucky I am, believe me.
I am sending you all my best thoughts fo rthe future.
Cxx

Clary · 11/01/2006 22:02

Durr! I know you saw my blunder, I meant, don't know if you saw my apology on that thread?

Original poster

jamiesam · 11/01/2006 22:08

Clary - so glad I can tell you it wasn't a blunder. I wanted to be able to cry and you helped me to do that. But like I said, you made me laugh as well, and that was great too. (and yes I did see your apology but wasn't sure about explaining on er thread...)

I'm honestly still feeling very numb about the whole thing. But this has helped enormously

OP posts:

Clary · 11/01/2006 23:25

Oh that's good, agree it was not relevant to ER...
Glad to have helped even in a small way.
Take care of you and yr lovely boys.
Cxx

FirstNikki · 12/01/2006 14:34

Jamiesam so sorry to hear of your news. I too lost at 9 weeks and the experience was awful and emotionally draining...but you need to give yourself time to recover and if that means taking time off work then do this to help yourself through this as G4P mentioned this site is great for advice and support and I found it personally a great help. Hope you find your way of dealing with it.

Thinking of you at this sad time xx

trace2 · 12/01/2006 14:39

so sorry for all you ladides what been thruogh m/c. i feel for you all , yorkiegirl i didnt know are you ok

muma3 · 12/01/2006 14:40

havent experienced m/c but found this thread and wanted to share my love and hugs to all xx

Original poster

jamiesam · 12/01/2006 14:43

Actually, today is particularly crap as I had my 12 week scan booked for 2pm. Just sat here wallowing in it I guess. Dh had booked the afternoon off to look after the kids - other than cancelling his leave, has made no other comment about today. I can't believe that it's all over for him and yet it's so present for me.

Can't bring myself to take the boys out anywhere today, boy are they going to be stir crazy.

OP posts:

FirstNikki · 12/01/2006 15:20

Men don't seem to share/show their feelings like we do...try and have a chat with him later I am sure he remembers but just isn't showing it.

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