lost 4 babies and am completely lost

[aMuminwaiting]

I went with my DH for my routine 12 week scan on Monday. The baby had died four weeks earlier and they sent me for a D&C. Every time we lose a baby it's like being in a nightmare that we can't wake up from. Our first was almost 22 weeks and I had a prem labour in hospital. I was alone because they'd sent my husband home to fetch me some books and things. They didn't even warn him when he got back that our dead son would be laying next to me. The next baby I lost at home at 11 weeks. My DH took him/her into the hospital thinking they would do testing as my first miscarriage was so late. We found out a week later that the form they got him to sign in his grief ridden fog wasn't for testing it was for them to dispose of the baby. The next baby was miscarried at my parents house at 7 weeks. This time my Aunt was staying with us so she took control and told the hospital that this baby had to be sent to Guys for testing and even had to tell them how to store it because the doctor on the phone told me to stick in the freezer until Monday! My DH and I were karyotyped. We were told our results would take four weeks and the babies about seven weeks. 15 weeks later and we still have no results. Straight after losing our third baby I got pregnant with our fourth. I was put on aspirin and cyclogest pesseries. I felt more sick than ever and had no bleeding at all. We thought this was going to be it at last until Monday sent us crashing down to earth. The anesthetist and a surgeon had separately come to speak to me about the procedure many hours before I went in and I'd told them both that the results from my third baby had clearly been lost in the system so please test this baby and not make this life a complete waste too. Just before they knocked me out in theatre I said "please tell me you're going to test this baby" and she said "oh no one's mentioned that". Yesterday my husband spent hours trying to get through to the consultant who had taken over from the one we saw last year. All he got was answer machines. I've been trying for 15 weeks and all I've ever got is put through to an answer machine and never called back. I've never felt so invisible. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. We won't try again because it seems pointless at this stage to keep making lives that will never make it. At the same time this need to be parents is tearing us both apart. We are so alone and no one will help us.

I did try the email thing to the MIL after we lost our second baby. Two weeks after the miscarriage she came over to announce DHs SIL was pregnant and that Christmas with us was off because the SIL from hell was upset that they weren't having it there. I am very careful with what I say especially in email form because it can so easily be misread but I thought I did a decent job. It had no effect though. I honestly think the woman was born without feelings.

I'm so sorry gigglepin, it's infuriating having those little lives ignored isn't it? I've heard all the 'well they don't understand because they haven't been through it' etc. I've never had a family member murdered but when my friend told me about her mother being killed by a mugger I could show her compassion because I'm a human being! So therefore why are we all expected to be strong and able to deal with everyone elses happiness being shoved in our faces but certain family members and friends ignore our feelings completely because 'they don't understand' or 'are scared'? That one really gets my back up, do they not think it's bloody scary going into labour knowing you're child is going to be dead? or sitting in an office being told by a stranger that you need a d&c to remove the baby you thought was alive and well just moments earlier? Or the many other horrors women have had to live through, stillbirth, having to terminate your pregnancy because the baby has a major disability or heart defect, a baby dying after birth for no apparent reason, molar pregnancy, ectopic, there are so many things it's amazing we're all sane. It's scary looking into a future that has no guarantees and we all keep going despite this because the goal is so vital to us. Now that's what I call being strong!

At a crossroads with the BIL. He text DH to say 'sorry you couldn't make it Christening, when are you coming over? You'll have to come here because I can't drive'. We have two choices now, either we go and put on the performance of our lives. Or we don't go and say 'sorry but we are stepping out of family life for the foreseeable future' and deal with the fallout. Leaving us until we are ready is not going to happen so we have to deal with this now. DH hasn't been sleeping and I've been having nightmares about them. I wish they could be like my lot and support us. My family don't always get it right but they have learnt over the past two years of miscarriages and wait for us to go to them. I don't know what to do. Have the consultant meeting to worry about next week, bloods this weeks, a blood filled eye which is making me the leper of the town and I don't want to think about them too.
Is moving away and leaving no forwarding address a viable option do you think?

I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. It is very important to get the placenta's checked. I suffer from a rare condition called CHI Chronic Histiocytic intervillositis which can cause recurrent miscarriage at any time in pregnancy. I believe that it is not being detected in post mortems as some pathologists cannot even detect it. It is worth considering that it could be this or something similar to this which attacks your placenta which causes fatal demise.

I fully appreciate how hard this is for you. I lost twins in January this year at 25+2 weeks, they were stillborn. I am also about to lose the one I am carrying now, I am 27+1 weeks the placenta is failing and have been told to go home and wait for the heart to stop beating baby is below viable weight so there is nothing they can do. Most of the ladies do not suffer as I have, having miscarriages earlier - the strain I have seems to make me carry further along.

If you want to chat more or find more information you can find me here where there are links to more resources: vincenzobenedetto.blogspot.com

kaosfusion-that sounds horrendous-how horrible to be told to just go home and wait for your baby to die-will they not even try and help you? How small is the baby-I had my first son at 24 weeks and he was under 1 and a half lbs-he only lived for 10 hours but at least they tried to help him.

I too suffer from issues with the placenta-though have never heard of the condition you mention. I have had 6 losses-3 late on put down to a combination of incompetent cervix and blood clotting problems. 2 of the babies were lost due to placental problems-1 to a blood clot in cord and the other to blood clots in the placenta.

It might be if some comfort to you to hear that I have gone on to have 3 healthy dcs-all quite small at birth which again I believe was due to issues with the placenta.

I wish you all the best and hope that one day you get a happy ending.

That's horrendous, I don't know how you are coping right now, you must have an immense amount of bravery. I am so sorry. I will go through the blog you sent. I was sure that the issue was with my placenta after my first loss as he was developing normally and his heart was beating strong just before I went into labour and lost him. But they told me the placenta was fine. It's unbelievable that these babies are ours but no amount of begging and pleading will make the medical staff do the testing that is so vital. It shouldn't be this hard but it is. I wish I could do more than send you love and just hope that we all get there in the end. We'll never forget the little people we made with love and would have done anything to save.

I've been hoping some kind of miracle would have happened and they were wrong kaosfusion. How is everything? If there's any time for something wonderful happening then your baby making it has to be that thing.

I know nothing I have been through can compare. Life with its trivialities goes on. Yesterday I was supposed to get my bloods done but the sister couldn't get my blood and they were running twenty minutes late so no one else bothered to try. I have to wait until next week and get it done at the hospital so no results will be in to discuss with the consultant.
Big fallout with the MIL too. Took your advice about email pink4ever and I don't think I've ever spent so long trying to choose words that will not offend or be misconstrued. It didn't work. She emailed back saying DH was rude for not saying thanks (but we don't know what for) and that she failed him not teaching him manners. That only fanned the flames and no more than five minutes later got a text from his brother saying when are you coming round? When his mum showed up yesterday she knew exactly what Dave had responded to him with. I think with some people there's no way of getting through.

muminwaiting-I am so sorry that mil is continuing to be unsupportive. I think maybe it is now time for you and dh to take a step back from them. Remain polite but just removed yourselved from any situations that will make you feel worse.

A bit of advice that worked for me-phone and speak to the consultants secretary or email them and put down in writing everything that you want to be discussed. Dont be fobbed off-you have to be persitent.

Please feel free to pm me if you have things you would rather ask in private. All the best.

Stepping back sounds wonderful but when we say please leave us alone she comes to the house and if I don't answer the door or am out she goes to DHs work. He said if he worked in an office she wouldn't do that but because he works outside it seems to be ok to bother him when he's working. That's why the moving away option sounds so appealing right now. Shame we can't afford it.

Won't be getting today back. Complete waste of time. The first thing she said was "I don't know why you're even here. Do you?" didn't get better from there. She said I could stop smoking and lose weight to minimise my chance of it happeneing again. Have never smoked and last time I checked wasn't obese. Told my GP and he said several people have told him she was a bitch. Why send us to her then?! She said she deals with stillbirths and infant death not recurrent miscarriage. And what did I expect to get from today? She was so so horrible. Oh and two nurses tried to get my blood and only got about half the amount they needed. Four hours and four holes in my arms for nothing. Feel gutted. I tried not to expect too much from today but this was terrible even by low expectations.

Amum that sounds just awful. I'm not quite sure what type of doctor it was? Have you been seen by a proper recurrent miscarriage clinic yet?
It must be so hard but you are not to blame for the inadequacies of this doctor, this is just a hiccup.

She was a consultant (apparently) and my GP said I had to ask her to be refered to RMC. She said I have to asl him. Am sick of being passed around like old rubbish. I cried on way home then got angry and went storming into surgery. I demanded the first GP I saw (not the one who won't help me at all) refer me straight away. She got him to call me when I got home and he said he was certain Ashford had the people I needed and didn't understand why she said they didn't. I said we don't care how far we have to travel tos ee someone but we need somebody who will help us and do something.
You know she actually laughed when I asked about NK cell testing. She said "we in the medical profession don't have any faith in that". And she said losing even four babies was bad luck and it's like a roll of the dice, we might be lucky next time...oh and maybe I should think about taking baby aspirin next time, that seems to help some women. She clearly hadn't even looked through my notes properly. She knew I'd had a miscarraige in September and my age and that was it! She also put me down when I asked about APA and said I have two immune system disorders already. She said she'd never heard of IBS being an immune system disorder and grunted when I said "well it is in the book I read". Total bitch. Am now waiting for my GP to refer me to someone who didn't get their qualifications out of a cereal packet.

Well I wouldn't normally say this but go to see someone privately as soon as you can, you need to get out of this system and get some decent support.
(It's odd that you can be treated for nk cells on the nhs, if the "medical profession" as a whole don't believe in it). I think you have reached the limit of what you can take, and if you can find the money/credit I think you should see someone else pronto.

I'm with iggi here. I love the NHS and so many people within it do an amazing job in so many ways, but if it is working out this badly, perhaps you should at least consider a private consultation. I know not everyone can afford it, but if you can, it might be worth it.

My private consultant did eventually help me have a baby but before that, he gave me back my sanity. Just by helping explain things better to me; doing all the tests (many of which the NHS wouldn't do, hence going private) and being quietly positive without giving me false hope. He also signed me back over to the NHS as soon as I got pregnant so I didn't have to pay more than necessary when all was going well. (With the proviso to come straight back if I needed him.)

Again, not everyone has the money - we had to sacrifice things but ultimately it was worth it. Obviously I am not you, so forgive me for any unwelcome advice, but I just feel for you and want a doctor to offer you proper treatment right now!!!

We can do it if we forget all hope of ever buying a house. We only started thinking about buying when I was pregnant with our first for some stability. But if we don't do this we're never going to have a baby anyway. At the moment though I'm concentrating on getting my poor dog well and hoping that my period makes an appearance soon so I can book in a smear. The craving for pregnancy has eased off, I know my body needs a break. I've closed my old facebook account and started a new one with just my friends so I don't have to see the happy family baby photos. Feel calmer already!

Had several days of spotting then several more of brown blood when I wiped, sometimes really dark but I never needed more than a panty liner. Then last night I had this pain in my side. I know that's not a sign of ovulation but for some reason I decided to do my last opk and it went positive immediately. I haven't done any for about a week because I thought the spotting was my period. But two days after the brown stopped is too early isn't it? I know the first period after mc is weird but isn't this physically impossible?!

Hello, not much help to offer but I do think period after mc can do pretty much whatever it likes! The brown blood may have been slowly making its way out, while your ovaries just got on with their job. Really don't know. Are you ttc this month do you think?

I wasn't, but I hate waste and knowing an egg was about to burst out meant I grabbed the DH and he didn't complain! It feels so frightening now but at the same time we've not been offered any explanations so it feels like if we don't keep going we're never going to have a baby.

A 45min trip to the out of hours doctor after going for a poop and bleeding...a lot. He's convinced it's hemmoroids and I hope he's right because I'd convinced myself I was dying! Oh and to top it off my back went so I've been hobbling around with a hot water bottle strapped to my back for two days. Another wonderful weekend.

Yikes! I think your luck will change soon. Hope you get some rest tonight.