Don't know what to expect next, poss mc/ ectopic?

[whenskiesaregrey]

I have my dates as I would expect to be 7-8 weeks pregnant this week. Had postive preg test about 3 weeks ago.

I had red spotting last week over 3 seperate days which has now stopped and the odd mild twinge. Tbh, I don't have painful periods, so have no idea what 'period like cramps' feel like. Rang EPU last week and went in for a scan this morning. They couldn't see anything abdominally, so trying transvaginal scan and they could only see a sac, no yolk, measuring about 4 weeks.

The options the have given me are that I have mixed my dates up and the pregnancy is a lot newer than I thought (although in this case, I can't see how I would have tested positive 3 weeks ago??); that the pregnancy has not developed more than 4-5 weeks, or I'm having an ectopic pregnancy. They also said they could see fluid in my pelvis, and are testing for 'other things' that they were very vague about (and have made me even more worried). I had a hcg blood test and fbc taken this morning, and have to return in 48 hours for a repeat hcg. Then they should know what is happening.

The wait is killing me. I had to wait since Thurs for the scan, and I thought today we would finally know what is happening. Can anyone tell me what we can expect to happen over the next few days? I was meant to be starting a new job on Monday too, and I don't know what to tell them. What will happen if it is ectopic?

All I want to do is go and get my son from nursery and hold him :(

Your poor DS and poor you. Thank goodness he's ok.

Please don't worry about having an internal scan while bleeding. I had the same concerns as you and was bleeding heavily when I had mine during my second MC. I voiced my concerns to the sonographer who assured me that it was not a problem for her and not to worry about any mess. She was very gentle and I didn't look when she removed the camera and cleaned up quickly and discreetly. Sadly, this is what see every day and will be used to it.

I can't explain about the levels of HGC rising, sorry. Mine did actually decrease with every test but did linger. I was advised to do a pregnancy test a fortnight later to make sure it was negative. It is possible it would pick up HGC prior to this as the tests are very sensitive, I remember reading that anything above 50 would show positive on a test. With your levels as they are it is most likely you would test positive currently so you wouldn't really be any the wiser. My advice would be to stay away from the tests for the time being just to avoid any further confusion.

As for the level of pain/discomfort, I guess everyone's experience is different. Also, although you believe you're 7-8 weeks pregnant, if the pregnancy did stop developing at 4 weeks it's possible that you wouldn't experience the same amount of pain as someone who miscarried with a further developed pregnancy. Sorry, I hope that doesn't sound insensitive, I was just wondering if that could be the reason why it's not been as painful as you anticipated.

I hope you get all your answers tomorrow. Once again I'm sorry that this is the way things have turned out. I hope you're get the support you need from the hospital, your new employers and at home.

You sound like you are being very wise and calm at the moment - aware of the possible outcomes and watching and waiting. There really isn't much else you can do.

There was never anything visible in my womb or my tubes - but I think it had dragged on so long the consultant trusted his judgment to go ahead and operate anyway. At least it wasn't all a big emergency and panic.

I'm glad you are going back tomorrow - really hope you get some answers and that the HCPs listen to your concerns.

Just a quick update from my phone. Had the scan this morning and the sac which was there has now gone. However there is blood in my lower abdomen, so they are still worried about ectopic. They said the body can sometimes create a phantom sac in the uterus, even if the pregnancy is elsewhere. So had more bloods taken, and if the hcg is still going up I'm going in this afternoon for keyhole. So is that my tube gone if that's the case??

Oh I'm glad you have got some answers at last. No, keyhole surgery does not mean you will lose your tube. Often they can successfully remove the ectopic pregnancy whilst keeping the tube in place. I think they only go straight to removal if the ectopic has already ruptured and the situation is an emergency. You unfortunately may lose your tube but I think they will only do that if absolutely necessary. Obviously you will be able to talk this through with them this afternoon.
I hope the fact that the sac has gone means that it was an ordinary miscarriage not an ectopic. I'm really sorry that things have turned out to be so horrid and worrying for you and I hope that it is all over asap.

I'm relieved to hear you've managed to find out a bit more today. I hope the blood results mean you can avoid any surgery. Sorry I don't know anything about keyhole or any risks.

Thinking of you.

Huge relief, hcg has gone down to 200 so it looks like it is finally over for us. I burst into tears with relief when the nurse told me, I never thought I would be so happy to hear what is in effect, very sad news. So relieved there is no surgery. I have to ring her in 10 days to confirm a negative pregnancy test, but that's it.

Thank you all so much for your help, experience and support. I hope I can offer the same to someone else in the future.

Have responded on the other thread.
One last thing, don't panic if your test isn't negative in ten days. It took me a good two weeks after an 8 week mc in April but when I rang them back they weren't worried about it at that point as it was faint.

Despite the relief, I'm sure this is still a very hard time for you and now the panic is over you may find the emotional response sets in. Be very kind to yourself in the coming days and weeks and indulge yourself with whatever makes you feel better.

I understand it must be a massive relief now to know exactly what you are facing and know that is not as bad as you were thinking it might be.

That said, a MC is absolutely devastating and I am very sorry for your loss. It will take you some time to recover from this, so allow yourself some time and space to be upset. Go easy on yourself.

Hi Grey that is indeed such a relief. It's strange as although it is very sad it is also a relief not to be put through that stress. I can tell you also, having had the second one this year in a strange way it's also a relief not to be pregnant any more, not to be knicker checking, terrified of scans, terrified of any symptom or non symptom and being able to eat and drink (particularly drink!) what you like and see friends and not have to bend the truth about why you're chubbier/bloated/not drinking. Take your time and be nice to yourself though it is a very sad thing to have happen. And yes, I am sure like the rest of us you will now be able to comfort someone else going through the same thing. Everyone here was so helpful to me when it happened the first time and indeed continue to be so.

I'm so sorry that you've had this bad news, but glad that things are resolving for you - as you say, it is a real relief to finally know.

Take care of yourself, don't rush back into situations that make you feel uncomfortable and give time for your hormones to settle again (it could take a few weeks).

Thank you kat, scarlet, freelance and pip. Although i do want to take it easy, I want to get back to work and normal routine asap. But i am definitely going to take it easy today and tomorrow. This is where I am so glad we didn't tell that many people, not many people to 'intell'.

I know exactly what you mean, freelancegirl, I am already relieved to not be analysing every twinge and worrying what it could mean. And yes, the knicker checking I am definitely glad to have a break from!! It is do consuming, I'll be glad to return to normality soon and prepare myself for ttc again soon.

A very big glass of wine being poured tonight, along with some goats cheese, a chocolate souffle and some peanut m&ms.

Getting back into a familiar routine is definitely good - but don't be surprised if you find yourself having some odd reactions (feeling unexpectedly tearful etc.). I found myself spending more time than usual in loo at work - taking a few deep breaths and mental girding my loins to go back out and get on with things which I could normally handle without thinking.

at the wine and bacteria-filled goodies.

On the computer now, so no excuse for typos. That last post was riddled with them!

Pip, thank you, I am expecting it may not go as smoothly as I hope, but my husband works at the same place as me, and I know I can go to him and vent/ cry if I need to. I am thinking this may hit me in a day or two, as the last week has been such a whirlwind, I don't suppose it has truely sunk in. I keep having to ask DH what day it is!

New job were very understanding by the way. I didnt tell them the details, and might ring them this week to explain. It is only one day a week on top of my normal job, but it is a role in an Autistic school, so a foot in the door to the career I really want, and therefore more important that they don't think I am unreliable. I just don't know how you are meant to tell people these kind of things?! I have mainly texted people up to now, as really no good at speaking about bad news. I just don't know where to start.

Feel very upset today. Don't really know what else to say, or what I expect to achieve by posting this. Just don't know who else to tell. 4 of my friends have now announced their pregnancy in the last week, all due March - April. Just upset, about everything.

Oh you poor thing that is awful timing. Do they know about your miscarriage?
Of course you are upset you have just lost a baby. It takes time, and you have to let yourself be upset whenever you feel the need. Have you got some good support in real life around you? Also your hormones will be all over the place and that will make you more emotional too.
You can post as much as you like. It does achieve something if it allows you to express what you are feeling and get it off your chest. Often others don't understand if they haven't been there themselves.

One of them does, but she told me the day we were waiting for my second blood test, so she didn't know at the time. I really havent told many people, but feel frustrated that I've lost my baby and nobody knows. I know thats my fault, and I don't really want people to know, because I don't want people to feel awkward around me. I don't know what I want really. I feel like people think I shouldn't be upset because my baby was so tiny. I don't begrudge any of my friends being pregnant, or putting their scan pics on facebook. I just wish I could be putting mine on there, and getting the congratulations. Instead I'm upset about the baby no-one even knew I was having :(

It is very hard when you see people all around you having the outcome you so badly wanted. I understand you not wanting people to feel awkward around you but close friends may be able to help, even if it's just being there and keeping you company at times. Especially if they are non-pregnant friends.
Just because the baby was so tiny does not diminish in any way your right to grieve losing it. It was still your baby and the pregnancy represented your hopes for the future. You have every right, and need, to be upset about it for a while. In time you'll feel better, you won't forget it but you'll be ready to move on, but it isn't that time yet, you need to process your feelings and go through the sadness and the anger.
I had a period where I had to hide some people on facebook because I couldn't bear the daily pregnancy and baby news. It felt like everyone else apart from me was pregnant or had a baby.

It's so hard dealing with other people after miscarriage, on top of everything else. You don't want to tell people as you don't want them to feel awkward or feel sorry for you but telling them can sometimes help too. After my first miscarriage this year I got very drunk a lot and I told everyone, but got the one a few weeks ago I didn't really want anyone to know in real life, just a few people. But having those few people to talk to really helped. You do need someone who you can say how you are really feeling to and not have to put on a brave face all the time. That said, as Kat said, it's been really supportive for all of us to have this outlet here , speak to people who know exactly what you are going through. You are bound to be feeling awful, your hormones are all over the place and you have just lost a baby. All I can say is that it will get better in time, I promise you xx

You poor thing. It's so, so hard and it's still very early days. Your hormones have come crashing down, you've had a couple of days to reflect on what's happened and understandably you're very upset.

I don't think anyone can understand completely how you feel unless they've experienced similar themselves and quite often you don't find out about real life friends or relatives that have experienced the same thing until you tell them what's happened to you. I was amazed at the amount of people I knew who had suffered MCs that I had no idea about until I started talking about mine. Don't get me wrong, I didn't want to talk about it with all and sundry but it did help to let good friends and family know. If anything it just helped that they knew why I wasn't myself.

As for other people announcing pregnancies, no one would blame you if you kept your distance for a little while. Just to allow yourself time to come to terms with your loss. It makes no difference how many weeks pregnant you were in terms of the grief that you feel. It was your baby, you'd made plans for him/her and your family.

I can promise you that you will feel better in the near future. You will feel ready to move on, whether that means trying again or planning something nice with your DH and DS, you will get there. You will always remember what might have been and think about your baby but I promise you it will become less painful.

Thank you, it all just seems so surreal. It probably is my hormones, because I can't really rationalise how I feel. It's like any other loss, people would know, but this is so personal. No-one else had contact with my baby, just me. So it doesn't really mean anything to anyone else. And I'm not very good at actually talking to people. So people don't ask me how i am because they know I don't like to talk. Or if they do ask me, I'll say I'm fine. I've told everyone I'm fine, I just want to move on. So people don't ask me, and think i just want to forget about it. But I don't. I want other people to be sad but I know they can't be.

Sorry for rambling. Just need to offload. Thank you all for replying, you're very kind.

I am so sorry that you are feeling this way, it is absolutely normal but I know that doesn't make it any easier to cope with.

I recognise the emotional desire to shout from the rooftops that my baby was special and I am devastated to lose my baby - coupled to the rational desire to keep it private - because, after all, what can anyone actually say?

I had an ectopic pg after I had my DD. I found it incredibly hard coming home from hospital to an empty house after my ectopic, when I came home with DD it was full of flowers and cards. Even though the baby was so tiny, it was my baby and very important to me. It felt a little as if nobody cared - although I know logically that that is not true.

You might like to find a way of remembering your baby privately. Do something that has significance and meaning to you. Perhaps plant something in your garden, add a charm to your charm bracelet, whatever you feel like. Then you will know that your baby is not forgotten - it might help you feel ready to move on, to know that moving on is not simply pretending that nothing happened.

I agree pip, I want to my own announcement on fb 'DH and I would like to announce that we were expecting our second baby, but sadly it stopped growing' and then I know that that would be the last thing i want to do. It's almost like I just want people to know without me actually telling them so that my baby isn't some dirty secret. Like you were saying about the cards and flowers, no-one buys you sympathy cards because to other people, the baby never really existed. People must think I'm stupid for getting so attached for something I only know about for 4-5 weeks. And the people that do know say things like 'its one of things', or 'it obviously wasn't meant to be, you can try again'. So flipant like I've lost my keys, or broken a plate.

Also, like you said scarlett, I don't know if by saying anything then someone might come forward and say they know how I feel because they have been through the same. Because, like a couple of you have said, I don't think people really do understand unless you gave been unfortunate enough to go through it. I know you all understand. But none if the family and close friends that do know have experienced it. That's why they come out with the 'oh well' type comments. And really that is the reason why I don't really want people to know, because they won't react the way I want them to. They will be awkward and come out with comments that make me feel worse. So there really is no point.

I'm just rambling now, just going round and round in circles. And I know, as with most loss, time will heal, and i just need to ride this out.

Excuse the typos

Other losses have their rituals, flowers, cards, funeral etc. Miscarriage is not like that, there are no rituals and nobody else "knew" the baby. Everyone dies, but nobody says to you "It's nature's way" when your mum dies! The things people try to say to make you feel better often have the opposite effect at the time. Yes you can try again, but that doesn't change the fact that you have lost this baby that you wanted. Yes, it is just one of those things, but it's still a bloody awful thing. Your feelings are totally valid. It isn't stupid to get attached in the early weeks, as soon as you see that second line you have imagined a baby. Also you have just been through a very worrying time and narrowly missed having to have an emergency operation, so no wonder your feelings are all over the place.
It will be better soon, but it does take some time. How is your husband being about it?

He is trying his very best to be supportive and he tells me he is proud of me. But i think to him he has already moved on further than me. He got upset at the very first scan, but i think since then he has been moving on. Then he was just relieved I didn't need the op. When we found out that it wasn't ectopic I think that finally drew a line under it for him. He is like me in that he doesn't talk about things, but i genuinely think he doesn't think too deeply either, whereas I think a lot! I sent him a link to the miscarriage association website, and the only part he read was the 'trying again'. He has had a lot if heartache in his life, his first wife died of cancer leaving him to bring up their 5 year old son alone, and i think he has been numbed to things.

I bought a charm for my bracelet today, its an angel.