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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

Lost ivf twins at 20 weeks. Heartbroken.

43 replies

SadlyNoLongerDiffedDachs · 27/05/2011 06:52

TTC for 7 years, finally conceived naturally last May, mmc at 8 weeks. Decided to have ivf, was successful on 2nd round in January. Everything was going fine but then the membranes ruptured on one of the twins. We tried to hold on but infection set in and the twins were delivered at 20 weeks on Saturday.

Not sure how to get over this and feel like I'm never going to be a mummy.

OP posts:

Original poster

SadlyNoLongerDiffedDachs · 30/05/2011 08:33

Looks like the cremation will be on Thursday morning. Have spent the weekend working out what we want in terms of readings and music. Choosing music for the funeral of your babies is hard :(

OP posts:

AngelGeorgie · 30/05/2011 09:47

Dachs many hugs and love for you, DH and your twins. It is the hardest time in the world but day by day you will together find some tiny ways of getting through. Not living just 1 foot in front of the other. I found it more manageable to break each part down in to stages; the PM, the service, when my family left , my first time only own etc...
Our DD wad stillborn at 41 weeks on
10 th October 2010 and her wardrobe is still full of her beautiful
Clothes as up to now I haven t decided what to do
With them. Don t make any decisions until you re ready , do whatever suits you and your DH. Take care of each other and take things very easy
grieving is so wearing. I literally broke days
In to hour sections. Would you consider counselling? I had mine via work and although it obviously makes no difference to the overall outcome it helped me find ways to cope. I spoke to SANDS on the phone a couple of times and they were ok. As you say arranging my daughters' s funeral was so hard
, but then every stage since being told Georgie had died has been very , very hard.all my friends who ' d been at her baby shower 2 months earlier were then at her funeral it's just not right. As fir music we choose 1 sing where the words are so poignant I ve still never listened
To it and my mum choose the other song.

One step/ stage at a time is all you can
Do. The physical pain will ease over time , not go, but ease and I think I found ways to cope with the emotional pain
, though, at times still catches me totally unaware.
Please take care xxxxxx

Missgiraffe1 · 31/05/2011 16:51

Dachs (and anyone else on here who experienced such devasating late loss)
No words to express how sad I feel reading your story. Will be thinking about you, your DH and your precious little ones on Thursday, and in the future. xxx

ClaireDeLoon · 31/05/2011 16:54

Dachs I'm so very sorry, sending you and your DH lots of love.

AxisofEvil · 31/05/2011 17:18

Dachs, I am so very sorry. I?ve also lost twins (slightly later in, my only DCs) and so whilst everyone?s experience is different, I have an idea of what you?re going through. Please do pm me if you?d like to speak off board.

When my milk came in it was awful and felt like another slap in the face. If you've still got it I found frozen peas helped a lot along with wearing sports bras around the clock.

This sounds glib but 8 months on it is easier to keep moving. It will never be ?better? and I miss my girls like crazy but the most part the intensity of the grief and horror dies down a bit compared to where you are now. For me counselling has helped ? having someone to talk things through with, no matter now awful the thoughts.

Two threads you might want to consider joining are the loss at 20 weeks thread mentioned above on the miscarraige board and also the our children budded on earth thread on bereavement where there are bereaved mums who have lost babies at various stages. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/1194723-Our-Children-budded-on-earth-to-bloom-in-heaven

Take care.

CheeseandGherkins · 31/05/2011 17:21

I'm so sorry for your loss :( We lost our little girl in December at 37 weeks to stillbirth, we found out a few days before, I was induced.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/1194723-Our-Children-budded-on-earth-to-bloom-in-heaven Lots on that thread that have been through losses of all kinds. We're all very friendly.

So, sorry.

digitalgirl · 31/05/2011 17:25

Thinking of you dachs

PigeonPie · 01/06/2011 22:31

Thinking of you tomorrow Dachs.

kat2504 · 02/06/2011 08:15

dachs thinking of you this morning and wishing you and your husband strength to get through this dreadful experience. I hope the funeral, whilst obviously being an awful thing to have to do, helps you both in your grief and allows you to honour Alexander and Felicia.
May I ask what music and readings you decided on?

hester · 02/06/2011 08:25

Oh, you poor love. I'm so very sorry xx

Spamspamspam · 02/06/2011 08:39

dachs, I am so sorry to hear of your loss, so very sorry . I lost my son at 24 weeks on 12th March 2008 and it is still painful. What makes me most upset is that the issue was with me and he was a thriving baby but eventually my body let him down . The early days are very bleak but as others have said time does heal, you will never forget and you will allways be a mummy to your dear twins.

Thinking of you today and sending much love XX

Original poster

SadlyNoLongerDiffedDachs · 02/06/2011 19:59

kat The reading I have copied below. The music was the Aled Jones version of You Raise Me Up, the Glenn Close and Phil Collins version of You'll Be In My Heart, the love theme from the ballet of Romeo and Juliet and the Moonlight Sonata

Do not stand at our grave and weep
We are not there. We do not sleep.
We are a thousand winds that blow.
We are the diamond glints on snow.
We are the sunlight on ripened grain.
We are the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
We are the swift uplifting rush.
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
We are the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at our grave and cry;
We are not there. We did not die.

The ceremony was beautiful. The coffins were tiny and heartbreaking but the service was beautiful.

OP posts:

kat2504 · 02/06/2011 22:04

That's so beautiful dachs.That has made me cry reading it. I can not begin to imagine how difficult a day it has been for you, but I am glad that the ceremony was how you wanted it to be and a fitting tribute to your twins.

LAF77 · 02/06/2011 22:10

dachs so sorry for your losses, truly heartbreaking, thinking of you at such a sad time.

PieMistress · 02/06/2011 22:47

dachs a beautiful reading, you are in my thoughts, take care xx

randomimposter · 02/06/2011 23:00

in my thoughts dachs x

KnitterNotTwitter · 03/06/2011 16:57

Thinking of you today (and yesterday, and the day before that....) I'm still so devastated for you and your DH.

I hope that you're ok today - yesterday will have been a focus for you but now it's past i hope that you don't feel structure-less... does that make sense?

You gave your babies a wonderful life - you held them, loved them, nurtured them and were the best mother to them.

I'm sure that, if you want to, fate will give you another chance at motherhood.

kat2504 · 04/06/2011 10:51

Just clicked on your thread as I am thinking of you this morning. I think what Knitter said just above in her second to last line is spot on, I couldn't have phrased it better myself. I hope that you are coping ok today.

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