Our Children budded on earth to bloom in heaven

(974 Posts)
frasersmummy Fri 15-Apr-11 08:12:20

I think we have had this title before but it seems appropriate for spring

I have started this thread in honour of all our children but particularly Fraser who would have been 7 today. Happy birthday son we still miss you dearly. You will always be our firstborn and we always remember you in our hearts

lavandes Fri 15-Apr-11 08:57:28

that's a lovely title fm happy birthday fraser xx

Remembering our beloved Richard missed so much but forever in our hearts xx

Beautiful title.

Happy Birthday little man. Our candle for you has been lit since 7am....my grandson Lew made sure it was.

He sang: Appy Urfday ooo u, Appy Urfday ooooo u, Appy Urfday dear Fraser, Appy Urday ooo u.

Remembering my precious sons. Gareth and Matthew you are longed for, you are missed and you are also thought of with smiles and 'do you remember whens' xxxx

deemented Fri 15-Apr-11 09:07:11

Happy, happy birthday Fraser.

I hope today passes as gently as it can for you, FM

Remebering Ciaran, my boy, my baby boy.

janedoe25 Fri 15-Apr-11 09:36:45

What a lovely thread title! Happy birthday to Fraser, i hope today is a gentle one fm sending you hugs.

Remembering my beautiful baby daughter, my Zoe I love and you miss with everypart of my being xxxxxxxx

peterpansmum Fri 15-Apr-11 09:37:36

Happy birthday Fraser and love to your lovely mummy x

remembering my gorgeous Gregor who would have been four last month but in my mind will remain a zany two year old forever xx

everlong Fri 15-Apr-11 10:32:22

Oh fm ((((((((hugs)))))))))) today for you and your lovely boy.

Remembering my beautiful son Oliver, I love you always.

Lovely thread title, Happy birthday Fraser. I hope today is kind to you fm

Remembering our beautiful daughter Scarlett who would have been 4 months old. Still wondering why.

Thinking of you all today, especially fm xx

travellingwilbury Fri 15-Apr-11 14:47:12

A candle is lit here for Fraser , be kind to yourself today fm x

Remembering my gorgeous boy Harry who should be 10 now but will forever be a 14mth old ball of loveliness to me x

CazandBelle Fri 15-Apr-11 16:36:02

Wishing Fraser a happy birthday. lots of love to you today fm xxx

Our beautiful Belle, little angel for almost 10 months now. Mummy and Daddy miss and love you always, to the moon and back.

love to you fm xx

For my baby girl Bobbie, always our first, always missed, just over 6 months old now xx

travellingwilbury Fri 15-Apr-11 17:23:45

spilt did your friend get back to you after you e mailed her ?

No she didn't. I am hoping she's just not checked emails for a couple of days... I'd hate to think you could just ignore a message like that. Giving the benefit of the doubt for now. I will let you know if she comments.

Had a crappy day today, I am a complete ball of fear for this baby. There's just no escape when what you're so afraid of is happening inside you and you've no idea what's going on in there. I have an anterior placenta which is NOT helping as it completely/partially muffles a lot of movement at this early stage and I have been in tears of worry half the day. It really all gets to me sometimes. The realisation that we could lose this baby too and I don't know I'm strong enough to survive that.

split massive hugs. You'd be surprised what people can ignore...dh's brother has managed to effectively ignore us since we lost Scarlett and didn't even come to the funeral. Dh sent him an email explaining how he felt and how disappointed he was and he ignored that too. Also ignored many texts from me asking him to get in touch with dh as he needed him. Had to just accept it in the end. Mil and his gf say he does care etc but how can you actually care if you don't show it in any way shape or form? Sorry for going on, still bugs me even though I've managed to sort things (for dh's sake) that he could just not contact or come to see us after his niece died is just beyond my comprehension. Sorry again, breathe... I really hope things stay well for you, will be thinking of you xx

spilt sorry, not got my glasses on and am squinting.

travellingwilbury Fri 15-Apr-11 18:18:19

spilt it is such a different pregnancy this time isn't it ? I remember being just full of gladness when I was pregnant with Harry but with the other two I was a big wreck . Have you got a good midwife ? I did the whole stiff upper lip nonsense but I would have had a better time of it if I had been honest with people about how scared I was .

Hopefully your friend will get back in touch soon and even if she is a big wuss and doesn't she will have taken it on board I am sure .

travellingwilbury Fri 15-Apr-11 18:21:16

cheese people are just rubbish sometimes , the excuses I have heard are just ridiculous . "I didn't want to remind you " Oh yes because I have completely forgotten you pillock
"I didn't want to upset you by talking about it" Yes because I am so frigging cheerful , God forbid you would make me cry
"I can't cope thinking about it" Well bloody hurrah for you that you have that option .

I am a wee bit cross can you tell ?

tw I really don't blame you. I've heard the "I can't cope thinking about it" excuse from bil's gf about him, he doesn't "do" emotions etc. Well good for him... Grr. Feel like screaming sometimes don't you? So frustrating. Plus watching them all get on with their lives and ours stands still, not that I begrudge people lives, I'm trying to get with things myself too (distractions work wonders) but when you see them having fun but just ignoring everything that's happens it does hurt.

travellingwilbury Fri 15-Apr-11 18:38:08

I have actually gone to the beach on a windy day and had a good old scream blush It did make me feel better though .

My Sils were the worst , they would walk past my house most days (one lived abut 6 doors away) but never come and see me . But if we ever managed to go out and meet friends for a drink and try and be a wee bit "normal" they would then pick that night to turn up pissed and tearful . I was always very good and would tell them how it made me feel and I would love it if they just popped in for a coffee sometimes . They never did .

Some people just choose to believe that anything can be ignored and justify it to themselves . Or they are wankers ???

You're not going on cheese, that is appalling of your BIL. So incredibly hurtful to you and DH and so insulting to Scarlett. I'm not sure in your shoes if I could ever stomach seeing him again.

travellingwillbury the excuses are shite aren't they! I've heard most of those too... It's just so bloody cowardly. They don't mean they are scared of upsetting us, they mean THEY are scared of seeing our grief. They are afraid of our tears and our pain, and their helplessness, so it's easier to pretend that we are "over it" because we're chatting about something else and having a laugh.

I found a poem called "Please see through my tears" and it has a couple of really true lines in it (I thought!):

"Tears are not a bad sign you know. They are nature's way of helping me heal. They relieve some of the stress of sadness."

"My tears make my pain more visible to you, but you did not give me the pain. It was already there."

I do have a good midwife, but I'm not due to see her for another 4 weeks, and the 20 mins appointments aren't long enough really to deal with the emotional as well as the physical side of things. DH feels overwhelmed and like he doesn't know how to help. I wish I had someone to howl on and panic at. I might see if the bereavement midwife we saw in the autumn can visit again... but work is a sod and right in the way timewise. So maybe I will have to wait until I stop work (8 more working weeks to get through). Thinking aloud really.

Oh sod it. Here is the whole poem - it's quite long though grin

Please See Through My Tears

“You asked, “How are you doing?”
As I told you, tears came to my eyes….and you looked
away and quickly began to talk again.
All the attention you had given me drained away.

“How am I doing?” ….I do better when people listen,
though I may shed a tear or two.
This pain is indescribable. If you’ve never known it, you
cannot fully understand. Yet I need you.
When you look away,
When I’m ignored,
I am again alone with it.
Your attention means more than you can ever know.

Really, tears are not a bad sign, you know!
They’re nature’s way of helping me heal…
They relieve some of the stress of sadness.

I know you fear that asking how I’m doing brings me sadness
……..but you’re wrong
The memory of my loved one’s death will always be with me,
Only a thought away.
My tears make my pain more visible to you, but you did not
give me the pain………it was already there.

When I cry, could it be that you feel helpless,
not knowing what to do?
You are not helpless,
And you don’t need to do a thing but be there.
When I feel your permission to allow my tears to flow,
you’ve helped me.
You need not speak. Your silence as I cry is all I need.
Be patient…..do not fear.

Listening with your heart to “how I am doing”
relieves the pain,
for when the tears can freely come and go, I feel lighter.

Talking to you releases what I’ve been wanting to say aloud,
clearing space for a touch of joy in my life.

I’ll cry for a minute or two…
and then I’ll wipe my eyes,
and sometimes you’ll even find I’m laughing later.

When I hold back the tears, my throat grows tight,
my chest aches, my stomach knots…
because I’m trying to protect you from my tears.
Then we both hurt….me, because my pain is held inside,
a shield against our closeness……and you,
because suddenly we’re distant.

So please, take my hand and see me through my tears…
then we can be close again.”

travellingwilbury Fri 15-Apr-11 18:44:23

spilt I haven't heard that before , it makes so much sense to me .

I wish I was brave enough to send it to everyone I have ever met .

tw I wish we lived nearer to the beach as that sounds like a really good thing to do, letting things out. Sils sound as bad as bil, why are people like that?? Maybe it is trying to justify it to themselves but also a bit of wanker as well? I guess it's the same result though so, still hurts. I can't understand it myself, I really can't.

spilt I've dithered with it for ages and gone back and forth with wanting to bother or not. I think each day I feel differently, it's difficult. That's a beautiful poem, thank you for sharing that, I'm going to post it on a note to my facebook and hope people read it. Could you ask for more regular appointments? 4 weeks is such a long time.

((hugs)) x

lavandes Fri 15-Apr-11 22:30:08

That's a beautiful poem spilt I am so close to tears at the moment. They will spill soon I fear. Why should I fear. My beloved son died one year ago on Monday. My heart is broken. Yet I am uncomfortable with upsetting other people. Why should that be so. | think that on Monday I will take my dear friend's shabs advice and be honest for one day and say ' how am I , I am crap I miss my son so much, my heart is broken, well you did ask' but I probably won't I will probably say 'I am fine'. But I am really 100 years from fine.

I am really trying to be fine but it is so hard.

Thanks to all you lovely mums for your love and support over the past year. You have helped me so much and I am so grateful for that xxx

Sorry to ramble on about me when there are so many newly bereaved mums here. I went to Quimper Cathredral last weekend and lit candles for all our beloved children xxx

peterpansmum Fri 15-Apr-11 23:07:59

<<<<< Lavandes >>>>> I just want to give you a hug xx I so cannot believe it has almost been a year. Loads of tears here today.

I am slightly pissed tonight - have had a rough day today and yesterday too but think i've blitzed it with wine tonight grin went out for dinner with dh and ds1 then came home and watched a film together... it's the little things that matter eh!

Spilt - that poem is so appropriate - and Cheese - many many of mine and my dh's families have been utterly crap these last two years but looking back i reckon they were crap before that it just takes something like painful grief to show how shockingly bad they really are. I have taken time to heal the relationships that matter to me and taken a step back from the relationships that don't matter so much... maybe one day these people will deal wth my grief, maybe they won't - maybe by then it will be too late for me, who knows? but i aint wasting any more of my precious energy on them - I have realised that i cannot force them to deal with it. Cherish the ones who are good for you and as far as the ones that are not so good....do whatever your instincts tell you to do xxxx <<thinks I am rambling now so will wander off...>>

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now