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Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum.

Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Arranging my baby's funeral

14 replies

AmberV · 13/05/2011 15:45

I am sitting here balling my eyes out, I suffered a stillbirth at 38 weeks on 12th March, the hospital have just phoned to ask us what funeral arrangements we are making. It all just seems so final and overwhelming, I just can't deal with it, handle it or anything. How can I possibly find the strength to go to my baby's funeral, to see that tiny little coffin?? I was on the phone to the hospital as they were talking but in my head I was screaming. I still cannot believe this has all happened. I just can't bear this pain.

How has anyone else managed to get through going to their baby's funeral? How did you find the strength? I know it is something I am going to have to just get through as I cannot send my little girl off and not be there.

It feels like if I don't have the funeral though that none of this has happened, it makes it all so real and so very final.

Sorry this is such a sad email, I didnt know who else to turn to.

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myflabberisgasted · 13/05/2011 15:51

I'm so so sorry for your loss Amber.
I have no experience of this but I just couldn't ignore you.

I will keep you in my thoughts. xx

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ajandjjmum · 13/05/2011 15:57

I can't begin to imagine how awful you must feel Amber, but hope that you can find the strength to help make the arrangements, and that those around you are able to support you.

Maybe try one step at a time when you're sorting things out?

Thinking of you.

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travellingwilbury · 13/05/2011 16:03

Hi Amber I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter .

My son died in 2001 and you are right , the funeral will be hellish in so many ways and it will make everything just that more real . But it will also be a time when you get to be your daughters mummy for real , in front of everyone and show how proud you are of her .

Have you got a good dh ? You need lots of support right now , do you think you are getting enough ?

If you want to talk about your wee girl , then please do .

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Snuppeline · 13/05/2011 16:19

So very sorry for you Amber.

My cousin and his wife had to arrange a funeral for their stillborn son a few years ago. In the end they decided as they were the only ones who knew him that no one else would be there but the grandparents and themselves. That way they could let their emotions out in private. They've said it was horrible but that it was healing doing something for him, like chosing music for the service and a poem to be read out, that sort of thing. They also gave him a name.

The priest and funeral assistants will know "what to do" and will be able to guide you. Don't be afraid of the process, its all part of grieving and you may be surprised and find it gives you some comfort.

I understand that it may feel too final but don't you think having a place to go to, like a grave, will be comforting?

I hope you are surrounded by friends and relatives who can support you in this very tough time. Your and your little girl are in my toughts and prayers. x

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sabine · 13/05/2011 16:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shabbapinkfrog · 13/05/2011 16:42

So sorry to hear your very sad news.

You will find the strength - there is no alternative. I talk, sadly, from experience. I buried one of my 7 month old twin boys in 1982 and then my third son in 1992 - he was almost 8 years old.

You can choose whatever type of funeral you want. You have to talk to the funeral directors and they will guide you through and help you. For me, personally, my sons funerals were a time for great sadness coupled with thanksgiving that no matter how old a baby/child is they will always and forever be ours.

There is a very special thread on MN - a thread where you can say whatever you are feeling and never be judged - a supporting, loving thread. I will link it to here and maybe you would like to read through it? We have all lost children of all ages on our thread and are at varying stages in our grief. I can guarantee many listening ears xxxx

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shabbapinkfrog · 13/05/2011 16:46

Bereaved Mums thread

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GwendolineMaryLacey · 13/05/2011 16:55

I have nothing useful to add, just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear of your loss. Please talk here as much as you need, but Shabba's link particularly is full of very special people xx

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confuddledDOTcom · 13/05/2011 17:23

I'm sorry for your loss.

My mum did most of the work for me whilst I was still in hospital. She spoke to a local funeral director who donate children's funerals (from the coffin to the cars, it was all free) and they arranged it all, they were brilliant. We held a funeral at our church which our family came to and some others that knew us and wanted to show their support.

It wasn't easy but you just have to get on with it and deal with it afterwards I think.

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AmberV · 13/05/2011 17:50

Thank you all for your kind messages and support. I will just take things one step at a time and try not to get too overwhelmed trying to deal with everything at once.

Travellingwilbury - So sorry to hear of the loss of your son. You are right, I can show everyone how proud I am of her, I hadn't looked at it like that. I am lucky in that I do have a very supportive DH and friends and my 2 midwives, one who delivered my little girl and the one from our local clinic have been incredible and still are. I do find MN a great source of comfort too.

Snuppeline - thank you for your message, it really helped.

Sabine - so sorry to hear about the loss of your baby. I love the idea of planting a tree in the garden, we are going to do a memorial in the garden as well, at least she will be with us always then. My thoughts are with you when you go to collect your little ones ashes xx

Shabbapinkfrog - thanks so much for sending me the link, I will definitely have a read through. So very sorry to hear about your losses x

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travellingwilbury · 13/05/2011 18:00

Please do come over to the thread Shabs linked to , I am really pleased to hear you have got lots of support . It will take time to even believe this has happened to you but I promise you in time things will soften for you .

Keep talking here and in rl , I found it was the only thing that helped .

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greenzebra · 13/05/2011 18:18

I know how you feel Amber I have just had to do a similar thing our baby Ophelia died at 36 weeks and we are having the funeral in two weeks time.
You can do it honey.
I know how hard it is to think that there are others out there going through the same thing, sometimes it can be comforting and other times it can be the last thing you want to hear.
But please come and join us on the breavement section, we are all muddling through the best we can and you can post if you want to or just read if you want to.
My grief is still very raw my Ophelia died two week ago. But I find comfort on the thread Shabs above has linked for you.
If you would like to email me please do, maybe we can help each other out.

As we say on the other thread I hope you evening is kind.

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lloydjam · 14/06/2011 08:55

Hello AmberV, Im coming to your post a month later and so I hope by now you would have had the funeral and it was what you wanted. I too had to organise a funeral for my son who died at 40 weeks, 12 years ago today and so I know how awful it is to go through such an event.

We had friends and family around because I wanted everyone to know that he was a real person that existed. You may have had the same but some people actually said to me in surprise "you are having a funeral ?". I dont know what they thought would happen !

In time you will look back on those memories , not fondly but they will give you some peace. Even after 12 years I can remember the day so well. We opted for a non religious service (which was a challenge for the chaplain) and we wrote some words for her to read out as well as some poems and pieces of music.

My thoughts are with you at this very sad time.

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PukeyRag · 14/06/2011 12:53

Your baby girl lived in you, you had a bond with her. It was the only thing she knew and I think you should try and make her send off as beautiful as you can, to wherever she goes, let her know you will always love her, be thinking of her and that she's safe. You are her mummy wether she is here or not and you should be proud of that. :)
I know this is unbelievably painful for you, but a funeral is not saying goodbye, it is making sure she moves on safely, with you there to wish her the best in her next life.
You will find the strength to do this.

My thoughts are with you. x