2nd mmc in less than a year, no children, feeling very despondent

[kat2504]

As the title says, this is my 2nd mmc. Last one had erpc at almost 11 weeks in August. Am going to hospital on Friday for medical miscarriage at 8 and a half weeks this time.
After the first, I was told I would most likely have better luck next time, so I wasn't afraid to try again.
It took 7 cycles after my periods resumed to conceive. I feel that I have wasted so much of my time and emotional energy and for nothing. All those bitter disappointments each month, all the stressing about when the right time to conceive would be, all the times wondering and hoping if that cycle had been successful or not. So much of an emotional roller coaster and it has been for nothing.
I'm afraid to try again and I know at the same time that the health service will do nothing until I have had 3 mc. It seems heartless to make me go through it again. I know that isn't necessarily what will happen, but I dont know how my mental health will take this loss, let alone adding another one.
And if it takes me another year, and then I lose it again, well, I'll be going on 35 and then will worry that it is getting too late.
People say "it will happen eventually" but that is annoying me as they are saying things that they have no way of knowing.

Sorry for the depressing post. I wanted to get it off my mind a bit. Perhaps if some ladies who have also been unlucky to have 2 or more mc could tell me how they decided to move on, and how their doctor did/didn't support them it might help.

Big big hugs, I know just how you feel. But don't think of giving up - yes it is heartless to make you go through it again and not treat until after 3, but you are still more likely to not have a miscarriage next time as I understand the odds.

You could approach your GP and ask if he can try some tests - many of the tests that the recurrent miscarriage clinics do could be done at GP's as I understand it - so thyroid, diabetes, maybe even some of the clotting issues and certainly you could get hormones tested if your GP is open to helping you.

And if you don't want to start ttc again yet then remember you don't have to. You could leave it a month or two, see how you feel?

And 35 isn't too late at all, I'm 39 in a few weeks with 3 mc's behind me and coming up to 4 years ttc our first (it took two long years of ttc between pregnancies 1 and 2) but I shan't give up, not yet, not at all. Because that won't get me anywhere.

Hi Kat
I only recently joined the freak out room and saw your news, I'm very sorry.
My first mc was spontaneous at 6wks (also August) then I had a mmc in Dec/Jan at 11 wks (stopped growing at 6.5wks).

I completely understand the emotional rollercoaster and have some of the same feelings now even though I've just found out that I'm pregnant again. My GP was sympathetic the 2nd time but looked up the criteria for referral for the RMC and said they stuck to the 3 rule. She then agreed to run a thyroid test as I have some symptoms of underactive thyroid and I think she wanted me to feel like I was getting something tested/some attention or that could give me something. The tests didn't show anything, as expected.

In the meantime, I was on the waiting list for the hospital cllrs. When I first went to the cllr I told her what had been going on and she said she thought the RMC consultant would see me as she didn't always stick to the 3 rule. Anyway, luckily she did see me and they found I have a blood disorder. I know that it is different everywhere and I don't want to give you false hope, but I was really suprised to get tested and so it's definitely worth pursuing when you feel up to it.

I'm 33.5 now and also have no children. In between my 2 miscarriages 3 of my friends (out of a group of 4 where I'm the 4th) announced their pregnancies so I've had to endure the announcements, the meet ups and the isolation of not feeling able to discuss things with them. I feel a bit like I can't remember a time when pregancy, m/c, loneliness and constant worry wasn't part of my life and I would definitely say that I'm not quite the same person as before. That said, I'm trying to keep hopeful that things will eventually work out and I find other peoples stories on here pretty inspriring.

I hope that everything goes as well as can be expected at the hospital on Friday xx

So so sorry. I have been where you are. We are ttc again now but it's taken a while. Just wanted to give you a virtual hug.

Hi Kat, I remember you from my previous and very brief joining of the freak out room.

Firstly, you are not too old to be doing this!! I'm 40......

I've had two mc's this year, a mmc in Jan and a natural mc 5 weeks ago. I now find myself prg again and waiting for the inevitable to happen really.

I've had 3 mc's in total, but as you say it has to be 3 consecutive mc's for any testing. I did ask my gp to do general bloods to rule out anything obvious, and tbh that helped put my mind at rest a bit.

I don't know if you're into alternative therapies, but I see a kinesiologist and swear by it. Took me 6 months of ttc to get my first bfp, but fell within a month of seeing her. After mmc I fell in the first cycle following first af after mmc, and this time I haven't even had af after mc... It's scary, but I'm getting lots more support this time even though they can't book me in any earlier and won't give me a reassurance scan until 8 weeks.

I was terrified to try again this time, as you say one seems unlucky but two?!

I hope everything goes as well as it can on Friday, and take lots of time to get yourself well.

And just so you know I am 43 sour a wee whippersnapper!!

Hi Kat,
I am sorry to hear about your 2nd miscarriage, i hope it go's ok on Friday. I also feel as though i have had a rollercoaster of the last 14 or so months. We had 10 months of ttc with nothing happening which was totally gutting despite many people (mostly those who got pregnant accidently or at first try) telling us that 10 months is no time and to relax, grrr.
Finally fell pregnant at the end of 2010 and had a mc at 7.5 weeks. It was devastating particularly as my sister in law had just announced that she was pregnant (by accident, grrrr again) and one of my best friends also annoucned her pregnancy. We were all due in September. The only thing that helped me get over the grief was the fact that i fell pregnant again around 10 days after the mc. Sadly i am now going through a mmc at just short of 11 weeks as it stopped growing at 8.5 weeks. I am having erpc tomorrow under local anaesthetic. At the mo i am feeling positive and enjoying the prospect of lots of wine again and not being permanently knackered (as i have been for last 4 pregnant months). I do know however that once those pesky preg hormones drop i will be a blooming basket case.
I did start having acupuncture after the first mc (a Zita West one in Manchester) and i found that helped relax me. Going to go back to her soon. Doc has also told me that they will not do any testing until 3 consecutive mcs. We did get DH sperm test through NHS though, have you thought of doing that for piece of mind?
I have found it useful to set in my mind some deadlines. Thinking at the mo that we will try again for 6 months and maybe then go see a private fertility consultant, feels like it takes the pressure off a bit if you know that is in the diary etc?
Big hugs x

Thanks for your replies ladies it's nice of you to reassure me a bit.
Hopefully we will all get there soon.
Am dreading the procedure but waiting it out is unbearable for me and it will all be over soon.
Good luck with the erpc jemima. You are brave to go for it under local. Hope it goes well

Keep talking to us kat were here to support you.

Hi Kat
I am 35 and suffered 4 miscarriages with my first 4 pregnancies - the first was mmc and had an ERPC at what would have been 11 weeks, followed by 3 'natural' miscarriages between 7 and 8 weeks.
I kept wondering if I could try again as the pain and despair each time was like a hammer blow to my heart.
But, 3 or 4 months on, each time, the longing for a litle one grew strong again and we kept going.This was over 3 years and we had a first round of tests after the 3rd miscarriage. Results were all normal, and once we knew this we felt brave enough to try again.
Pregnancy number 5 began in September 2010 and I am now 32 weeks along and our baby is kicking away as I type.
It can happen, it is worth not giving up, and I hope in time you will try again and be lucky x

could puts it very well. Right now you don't feel strong enough but you will, in time.

could thank you for posting - you give us all hope and it's important for us to hear about the good outcomes.

I had my DD at 37. Decided to try again 6 months later. Had a miscarriage. Tried again and had 3 more miscarriages - so 4 in total. Investigated, but nothing turned up - just "unexplained". People told me to stop trying. But I persisted and had DS at 40. It did actually send me round the bend a bit. I read somewhere that some women have "non-fussy wombs" which means we take any old sperm - which might lead to unexplained miscarriages. I think that was true in my case, as I never had a problem conceiving, just keeping them.

Don't be worried about getting pregnant again if you can. I wish you all the best.

Could that has put a big smile on my face. Thank you for sharing your story with such a lovely, happy ending.

After DD1 I had 2mcs and was terrified of getting pregnant again, because although I was desperate for a 2nd child I was terrified of going through another mc. The MW at EPU had said "we often see women back a second time, but rarely a third", I thought she was just being kind. But at 34 I found out I was pregnant again, and DD2 is 18 months now. Don't give up. x

Don't give up. Don't let the agony overwhelm you. You are young, at this stage the explanation is most likely to be "bad luck". That does not change the heartache though, I know.

I had my DS at 44, after 4 years of trying, 4 miscarriages (3 of which were intrauterine deaths) and a pretty devastating medical diagnosis. The pregnancy was dreadful but the end result magical.

How to keep going? It is hard and it is lonely. I think it is almost impossible to understand the grief of miscarrying and then the pain of all those months trying to conceive unless one has gone through it. Looking back I put nearly 5 years of my life on hold and because nobody else seemed to acknowledge the enormity of what I was going through I felt unable to say. So my advice would be to let yourself grieve, to seek support from forums like this and, if it happens again, to seek the best quality help you can (even if it means travelling or paying). In the meantime do not stop living your life, try to think about what you have rather than what you have not (and I do know how hard that is) and do not cut yourself off from friends who have children. Pets can be an amazing help.

I send you hugs, strength, hope and above all acknowledgement of the courage it takes to pick yourself up and try again. You will and I hope with all my heart that you are successful.

Thanks again. It seems like nobody in real life can understand how hard this is for me. I feel very very lonely, and being at home alone doesn't help. Even my boyfriend doesn't seem to know what to say to me. I'm scared of the procedure tomorrow. And I don't know how I'm going to pick myself back up when this is all over. I just seem to cry all the time.

Thinking of you today jemima. When I had erpc last year the physical aspect was over in six days so hopefully you willhave a speedy physical recovery.

I need to go to shops today but am scared of asda being a pram fest.

we understand though, Kat. Do keep talking to us.

I must admit I was/am lucky in RL - my sister had fertility issues and a MMC and so was incredibly understanding (we are close now).

But it can be very hard having no-one to talk to - or being around people who don't understand.

and thanks Boris for sharing - I love hearing good news stories (am 43 and have had 3 mmc in the last year - so your story is heartening to me).

Hello Kat. Please don't give up. I had 3 miscarriages before I had my daughter. After the third, I went to see the doctor. In my doctor's surgery, you never see the same doctor twice, but I was really lucky because that day, I got this lovely woman, and the first thing she said, when I said I'd come because I kept miscarrying, was "that must have been very hard" which made me cry, because it HAD been very hard, and she offered to refer me for grief counselling as well as getting all the tests done.

Nothing really showed up on the tests, but they put me on baby aspirin and prescription doses of folic acid, and when I next got pregnant, about 7 months later, I had to have progesterone as well. And the end result was my beautiful daughter.

I know how hard it is, but try to carry on. And if it happens again (and it may not) then go to the docs and get some testing done.

xx

Kat - i am wishing you all the best for tomorrow, thinking of you.
I had the erpc this afternoon under local and i am now back home. It wasn't half as bad as i was expecting (honestly) and i got very good care from the midwife and consultant. It may be worth asking whether they can run any tests on you and your OH. The consultant today offered us some and we are going back on Tuesday for blood tests. It is such a rubbish time but i think it does help to keep busy if you can at all (easier said than done - i know i have found it impossible the last week to focus on anything at all). Do you have family or friends near by who you can spend time with?
I am also keeping a post mc diary of how i am feeling each day to keep track of things and to see what i can do to help improve my mood.
Fingers crossed for a sucessful recovery after tomorrow.

Pissing hell my body only had to wait till nine in the morning but I have started to miscarry at home. I was hoping to be in hospital so at least I could chat to doctors like jemima said. I rang them up and they said I should stay at home for now unless of emergency, am scared of it being awful in the middle of the night. I hope it will all be over soon.

Sorry to hear this- it is rotten to go through. I also had 2 mmc in a row, very similar to you first at 10-11 weeks and the second at about 7 weeks.

I was 43 when I had the second, and we already had teenagers. The MW told us to accept we were too old and go and do something else . DH didn't want to put me through it again and didn't want to try again. We deliberately didn't TTC but didn't do anything to prevent either and on the 2nd cycle I conceived again. DD was born almost a year to the day the first of the lost babies would have been due.

Kat so sorry you are going through this at home this evening, I really hope it is over for you soon. ((huge hugs)) thinking of you xx

Kat, you poor thing - i really, really hope you are doing ok at home. You are in my thoughts this evening.
x

kat so sorry for what you are going through, I am thinking of you and wishing you lot sof love abd strength x

Hi Kat,

I'm so sorry this is happening to you - nothing useful to say but don't give up ... 35 is nowhere near too old but I understand how you feel - I didn't get started until 40 and had a late mc - awful, awful, awful and as well as the grief a gut feeling that it was my last chance gone and I wouldn't be able to conceive again. We got through it and had my son when I was 42 and now expecting (twins) at 43. If you have the will and the energy after getting through this ordeal, there is time.

I hope you are OK today - please post again when you can.

Bloody he'll they lied to me about what to expect. I would not recommend medical management it was agony. At least it's done with now. You have all been a massive help these last few days, thanks for all your kind words.

I do wish the nhs would tell the truth. It wasn't just a bit worse than a bad period with a few clots. If I'd known I'd have done erpc again, rather than have my boyfriend see me on a commode screing in pain with my pants down. They didn't seem keen on giving me mire pain killers than cocodamol and entonox. I was hoping for some nice tramadol so I could lie in a daze.
Also I never saw a doctor only the nurse.

And I missed the wedding.