Dh thinks I'm depressed :0/

[harassedinherpants]

It will be 3 weeks tomorrow since my scan at 10 weeks showed our baby had died at 7 weeks. Had erpc the following Tuesday. Then got an infection on top of everything.

Today was my first day back at work and I now have thrush. I went on facebook and there were loads of pregnant posts. That was it for me and I got upset. Dh said I should go to docs as seem depressed! What does he expect?!

sorry you are going through this. of course you will feel low, or very, very low, for quite a while. it's a horrible thing to go through. you'll find plenty of support here though.

So sorry for your loss :( He probaby just worried about you. Of course the way you feel is completely natural, there would be no shame in going to the docs if you felt you need some extra help in terms of counselling, however you may well prefer to do things your way, which is fine too, there is no right or wrong way to feel at the moment.

Hi harassed sorry to hear you've had such a crappy first day back at work. Also sorry to hear you've had an infection on top of such a difficult time. Of course you will still feel awful.

Have you thought about deactivating your facebook account - you can go back in whenever you want - I did it bcs I couldn't bear people announcing pregnancy on there and endless pictures of other peoples happiness

I had some great advice on here, remember you aren't a superwoman and allow yourself time...it's only been 3 weeks. I found out I'd lost my baby 3 weeks ago yesterday and I know that I couldn't be back at work yet, so I am v impressed that you have made it that far.

Take care x

Thank you!! So sorry you're all going through similar too.

Tbh I was a bit at dh. He's not normally most sympathetic/touchy/feely bloke, but has been completely wonderful all the way through this. I don't think I'm depressed, well not in the way that I need anything. Going by other people's posts I think I'm doing ok, and am about normal!

Blackkat - deactivating facebook sounds like a good idea actually. Hadn't thought of that.

Back in work today, but finishing at 3pm to pick dd up from school.

Harrassed glad to hear today is a bit better than yesterday - I'm still in awe of you back at work while I sit at home glued to mn and watching daytime tv

If you want to deactivate, it's in account settings on the top RHS - sorry if it seems obvious - it just took me a while to find!

Hope work goes quickly today and you have a good w/e

I'm sorry you're having such a bad time :( FWIW I deactivated my FB account last Friday for that very reason. A lot of my friends are people I know from DD's Babycentre birth club and they are churning out babies left right and centre.

DH keeps on at me to go back to the dr for more ADs (I came off them about a year ago) but I know I don't need them. I think what I/us all are feeling is normal, isn't it?

Hope you have a better day today x

Blackkat If I hadn't gone back to work when I did, I dont' think I would have to be perfectly honest! I don't particularly enjoy my job, well the people not the job, and I think not being here was having an effect on me. Also the daytime tv was numbing my brain!!

I'm very busy, so that's a good thing, although it hasn't stopped me looking at the clock all morning and thinking "this time 3 weeks ago...". Our scan was at 10am.

Gwendoline - I'm also a BC'er! June 06 lol. We're all on Fb now as lots of people didn't like the new community, but they've also been towers of strength. Obviously I've known them a while now! I think we're perfectly normal actually. I think it's normal to grieve, for a woman (not so much a man according to dh) we had our little baby and were making plans, and then it's all taken away.

How are you doing? Feel free to message me and I'll send you my email addy if you like x

Well I've just been told yet again that I need to see the doctor to get some tablets. Presumably they are anti-grief tablets he's talking about . He's pissed off because I'm not happy go lucky wifey at the moment, and he thinks I'm over-reacting to it all. You really do find out who you can rely on at these times.

harassed As the others have said your emotions are totally normal and to be expected. 3 weeks is not long ago at all and i still had (ehhmm have) little breakdowns. I cried about 2 1/2 weeks after my mc when my friend gave birth and i've had a really shitty week after finding our our friends (and neighbour) are 13 weeks (2 weeks behind my dates). We got that news monday and i just broke down...6 weeks after we found out our baby had died at our 12 week scan. So you are not alone in feeling this way. I think if you feel you want some counselling to help you though this difficult time, then there is no shame in that, but there is also nothing wrong on how you are feeling.

I hope it gets easier for you soon xxx

I have a history of depression, so after my second mc (March last year, first one was in Jan) DH kept on at me to go back to my lovely counsellor.

So I did, and talked to her about it and cried. And she said I wasn't depressed; I was sad, and with good reason because sad things had happened.

So you might be depressed, you might not - but you're definitely sad because life is shitty at the moment.

Things will get better in time. Take care of yourself. xxx

Hi harassed hope you are doing ok today?
GWL hope you are having a better day too.

I've found this website which has been really useful for me, and also for DH and friends. I've sent it to them so they know what I want to hear and what I don't

www.miscarriagesupport.org.nz/ourselves.html

There is loads of advice and reading the men section my DH, who has already been amazing, has appreciated that I am going to feel differently than him, and probably for a lot longer. That's made it better for us both

Hope this might be of some use to you both.

DW/C2 see you on the ttc boards

xx

Hi harassed, there's a difference between being depressed and grieving. You've had a bereavement and feeling totally expected feelings. Big hugs to all of you.
I've been ttc for over a year and left Facebook because everyone seemed to be pg or announcing babies and it made me very down. It's weird not having it initially but now I feel like a weight has been lifted. All the best for the future.

Hi harassed, there's a difference between being depressed and grieving. You've had a bereavement and feeling totally expected feelings. Big hugs to all of you.
I've been ttc for over a year and left Facebook because everyone seemed to be pg or announcing babies and it made me very down. It's weird not having it initially but now I feel like a weight has been lifted. All the best for the future.

So sorry you are feeling this way and not getting the support you need at home. Perhaps your husband just doesn't really know how to deal with it and talk to you about it and thinks the doc can make it all better. You aren't depressed most likely, just grieving as would be expected. 3 weeks is no time at all to get over it. I was still unable to do much at all 3 weeks later. If you are unable to cope with normal life (go to work, family, etc) in a couple of months time, you may well need professional help or antidepressants. At the moment you just need to allow yourself to feel sad and feel however you feel.

Go to the Miscarriage Association website and download some info for your husband, perhaps the Men and Miscarriage leaflet, and the Emotions after miscarriage so he can perhaps understand that how you are feeling is normal.

Hi Harrassed,

Sorry you are feeing this way. I am currently 5 weeks post mc. My dp seems to think I should all be back to normal by now...and whilst I am doing everything I need to be doing, including going back to work after 3 weeks in a job that involves working with mums and their babies, I feel so sad. Because dp seems so over it, which makes me feel like there must be something wrong with me. Reading your post has really helped. Still wish I could speed this healing process up....I feel I can't talk to my dp as he appears to just want his happy partner back, and explains it all away saying we just need something nice to look forward to. Flippin men.

Hope you have better few days.

Thank you so much for all your lovely advice.

Gwen if you find those anti-grief pills let me know.

Blackkat thank you for the link, it's a great site and I've emailed dh the link.

I think he's accepted I'm not depressed now. We've talked lots over the last few days, not continuous, but off and on. He's so worried something is going to upset me, that he tries to protect me from everything bless him.

Although work was hard last week, it's better this week and has been the right thing for me. I finish my week today though as dh is having an op tomorrow and is going to need some looking after when he's discharged on Thursday. I'm dreading it. I have this feeling nothing has gone right recently -: we all had flu over Christmas, our cat was runover on NYE and then obviously the mmc. Terrified something is going to happen to dh, but keeping strong for dd. She's already asked if daddy is going to die like Kitty and baby .

Hi harassed - glad the link was useful.

Absolutely understand your trepidation, we've had a similar whammy in our house since Christmas, and I can only console myself with the fact that things can surely only get better. Will be thinking of you tomorrow - FX.

x

Hi harassed just a quick post to see how you are doing today, hope all went well.

I thought I'd resurrect this thread rather than start a new one.

Firstly Blackkat - I'm sorry I missed your posts. Dh's op went fine, and he's nearly back to his normal self. Was an awful day for me, as I dropped him off at 7.30am and they normally do his ops early as he has a blood clotting problem, but they didn't operate until 2.30ish when they rushed him down so he didn't have a chance to phone or text me.

Anyway, I just wanted to post how I'm feeling as I think you're the only people that understand right now. Everyone, including dh, seems to have either forgotten my mmc or are ignoring it and seem to think I should be over it at the moment.

In all truth I'm struggling more than ever. I'm back at work, finally got the all clear from the docs after two infections and got my first af last week. I think it's the af that kind of set me off tbh. I just feel awful, I could sit and cry at any point but am constantly forcing myself not to. I just feel there's no one I can talk to and nothing to look forward to.

My friend who's due at the same time I would have been had a scan yesterday as is having a boy. I'm so pleased for her, and I'm not jealous of her baby, but I want mine! Dh thinks her telling me upset me, but it wasn't just that, it's been going on for days and days he just chose not to acknowledge it.

I've also had a headache since Saturday. Nothing's helped except Cocodamol temporarily.

Is it normal to feel like this?? Erpc was nearly 5 weeks ago.

I feel like I'm stalking you, harrassed ...

I'm sorry things are bad but I'm glad you're coming here to talk and not bottling it up completely. Although I know it's no substiture for getting a RL hug from someone. You are spot on about everyone else having forgotten or moved on. I've lost count of the amount of times that DH has said that he doesn't know what's the matter with me lately . When he remembers I can see him wanting to say 'but that was ages ago!'. It wasn't ages, it was one month today that I went for that awful scan. One month or five weeks, it's nothing, is it?

I find myself wondering whether it was a boy or a girl. That didn't seem important to me at first but now I'm fixated on needing to know how my family should have been, and I'll never know. I even chose a gender neutral name. For a 6 week old foetus. That's crazy, right?

I also don't know if I was 6 weeks pg or 11 weeks pg. Where is the real cut off, when the baby died or when I found out? It's madness, the tiny details I am fixated on at the moment.

Sorry, I didn't mean to use your post but you're right about no one in RL even remembering anymore, never mind understanding.

Do you want to talk on FB? You have my email address if you want to 'friend' me? I was just thinking you might feel more like you're talking to a real person rather than a screen name but it's only a thought so please don't feel you have to say yes. I won't be offended.

As for this being normal, I really don't know. But it's certainly my experience too. I wish I could make it all better, for all of us xx

Thanks Gwendoline, I certainly don't see you as a stalker lol. Just someone who's in the same place as me, unfortunately!! Off to try to find you on Facebook, I'll email you if I can't find you x

Hi Harrassed and gwendoline I am sorry to find you both still on here but actually very glad to read that i am not alone in feeling this way.

My mc was 2 months ago and i feel exactly the same way. Everyone around me has forgotten and DH has moved on so when I get upset about things, he's forever asking me 'what's up'. What do you think is up fgs?? He does try to understand but he just doesn't get it and so thinks im obsessing and fixating on things like dates - i'd be 20 weeks this week, so would be finding our the sex. I also have a colleague and a friend who is also a neighbour who are both due around the same time and i find the constant reminders heartbreaking.

My family were very understanding at first but that dried up after about a month so i feel very lonely in feeling this way now. just feel like everyone thinks you should have moved on and got over it, and part of me wants to as i am so tired of being sad and empty all the time, but also don't want to as i don't want to forget my baby. Does that make sense?

Hope you don't mind me hijacking your posts too, i was just so relieved to read i am not alone in feeling this way.

Hi Collie, I don't think you're hijacking at all! It just so sad that we're all feeling this, and even worse that this is "normal".

"My family were very understanding at first but that dried up after about a month so i feel very lonely in feeling this way now. just feel like everyone thinks you should have moved on and got over it, and part of me wants to as i am so tired of being sad and empty all the time, but also don't want to as i don't want to forget my baby. Does that make sense?"

That is exactly how I feel too. Apart from my prg friend, no one really asks or even wants to know how I am.

Feel free to vent on here or message me.

Hello harrassed, GML and Collie

not found time to check mn much recently, but so glad to hear that mrpants op went well and he is making good recovery.

BUT so to hear that you all still feeling so low, and yes I share all the things you've listed.

Headache - check
Crying all the time - check (even worse than a few weeks ago!)
Nothing to look forward to - check
Rage that I don't have a baby to look forward to -check
Cursing everytime I see a reminder (16wk appt was booked in for 2 weeks ago) -check
DH coping (outwardly) much better than me - check
no-one asks anymore - check

AF hasn't shown her face yet, 4 weeks since ERPC, 6 weeks since we found out, but I know I will be gutted when she does.

I just can't get over the fact that life carries on as normal when I feel like I'm screaming/falling apart and no-one is noticing (or else I'm hiding it so bloody well)

Just bloody knackered too...

TOTAL ARSE

Hello all and hugs to all that need them.

Yes, yes and yes to everything you've all written. I'm also waiting for AF. ERPC was 4 weeks ago and have had some spotting the last few days but it's not amounting to anything. Am fed up to the hilt with waiting for it.

My other problem is that I cannot keep off my Babycentre August birthboard. I don't post but I keep checking in and they're all 16 weeks now and half of them have had gender scans. I can't bear the unfairness of it and want to scream and punch something.

I'm still getting letters from the sodding hospital as well. As I'm a heifer and my dad has diabetes, I was booked in for a couple of appts with the diabetic nurse which my GP should have cancelled. Each time an appt passes which I (obviously) haven't attended, they send me a snotty telling off letter and yet another appt. I've left messages on their voicemail as no one seems to pick up but to no avail.

It is absolutely total arse :(