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Original poster

Getting through the due date

28 replies

Pinkchampagne · 07/09/2010 13:28

I had a MMC just before Easter, which was discovered at my 12 week scan (baby had stopped growing at 7 weeks) & I have found it really tough to get over.

In just over a months time I will be facing the dreaded due date, which also happens to be my DP's 40th birthday of all days.Sad
How do I get through it? I am worried I will spoil his birthday being miserable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 07/09/2010 14:59

How did others get through this day?
I will be working, which may help keep me busy, but it will be after work it hits me, which means I will spoil DP's birthday.Sad

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Buckler · 07/09/2010 15:09

first off i'm so sorry for your loss. I found the days and weeks leading up to the due date to be worse lots of tears and depression. on the actualn't day i went to work and just cuddled my dh lots in the evening. We had planned to release balloons each but just couldn't do it.

Brokenbits · 07/09/2010 15:45

Pinkchampagne I'm so sorry for your loss. It's so hard to cope with the should have been dates isn't it? I'm approaching the anniversary of my mc. I can't believe I'm a year down the line and still not pregnant. I should have a five-month-old baby now and nothing anyone can say can offer comfort unfortunately. You just have to do whatever makes you feel most secure and supported on the day. I think you're brave to work. Normality may help, though it's a personal choice.

Much like Buckler, I found the run up to my due date to be much worse than the actual day itself. I made sure I had a quiet day at home. I'm lucky to have a 2 year old DS, who helped me get through the wobbles by cheering me up, but it was actually the lead up to and days following that I found most difficult. My suggestion is to try and do something that both you and DP will enjoy, but don't be surprised if your emotions get the better of you every now and then. Perhaps you can put the focus on celebrating your DP's birthday by throwing yourself into organising him a big party, or you could book a romantic weekend away. I'm not suggesting you ignore your loss but the distraction of your DP's birthday may actually help you to keep busy through the worst of it. Surround yourself with people who love and support you and maybe acknowledge your loss by planting something or releasing balloons as Buckler suggests. Sending lots of unMNetty hugs.

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 07/09/2010 18:38

Thank you both for the advice & for sharing your own experiences.

We have booked to get away for the night on the Saturday following his birthday (his birthday is on a Thursday) so hopefully that will be something to look forward to, and maybe we could go out for something to eat on the actual day. I am just dreading it though. We both wish it didn't fall on his birthday. It seemed so right when we found out the due date before the MC, but now it just seems so cruel.Sad

The balloon idea is nice, Buckler.Smile

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Iggi999 · 07/09/2010 22:26

I was just thinking about this when I logged on. Mine is two weeks from today. I was so convinced I'd be pregnant again before the due date came (and I was, and lost again) the past nine months seem so pointless.
Dreading working on the day, tempted to fake an illness Sad
Sorry for your loss PC.

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 08/09/2010 19:36

Sorry for your loss too, iggie. so sorry you have lost another pregnancy too.Sad

Have been talking to DP about it all today. I think he is in the mindset of not wanting to put ourselves in the position of it happening again because of the huge impact it has had on us since. I can totally understand his thinking, but I need to aim for the possibility of a positive outcome in the future. I can't face the arrival of what would have been my due date, and at the same time close a door on the possibility of another pregnancy. It is just too much to bare right now.

I work in a school & my due date happens to also be the Harvest Festival, so feel I must try to face work that day.

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randomimposter · 08/09/2010 20:04

TBH have tried not to think about them.

The first due date from my first MMC was 6 days after my second MMC was confirmed. My second due date is next week, and I had an ERPC for a 3rd MMC 2 weeks ago. It's been a shit 12 months.

As it's your DP's birthday I can see how that makes it harder. In your shoes I would focus mainly on his birthday with a simple acknowledgement of the lost due date maybe with a walk to a special place, or a nice bottle of wine, and try to focus on future happiness.

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 08/09/2010 20:53

How awful for you, jollster.Sad I am so sorry, I cannot begin to imagine how you must be feeling.

I am going to try hard not to spoil DP's birthday. I really don't want to, especially with it being a big birthday, but I am scared I will. I seem to get upset without warning these days, today being one of those occassions. Will try my best to keep the day nice for him though.

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randomimposter · 08/09/2010 21:05

pink I cried a lot with my first MMC, hardly at all with my 2nd, and with this one, as it's wrapped up with moving house (and not in a good way), lots of close friends having new babies/announcing pregnancy and some family stuff, I've been very tearful.

Was it your first MC? I do think that one'e the most shocking, but sadly so so so so common. Don't mean to patronise, and obviously I don't know your situation or history, but hopefully you will go on to happy and healthy pregnancies in the future.

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 08/09/2010 21:21

I had a very early MC over 11 years ago, but had only known I was pregnant for 5 days & was still getting my head around the shock of the unplanned pregnancy. I went on to have two healthy pregnancies, but exh was far from supportive, especially with my second son.

I have been with my lovely DP for 3 years now, and was surprised (as was not planned) but pleased to find we were expecting our first baby together. My boys are nearly 11 & 7, so a bit of an age gap, but it was so lovely to be expecting a baby with a man I loved so much, and so refreshing to have a supportive partner.
We went through the whole of the first trimester, got our heads round the fact we were having a new baby in October, looked up online how it had changed week by week, then went together for the 12 week scan, only to find out our baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks 6 days.Sad

It has really knocked me for 6. I think DP has been shocked at how badly it has affected me, which is why he is pulling back on commiting to try again. He doesn't know that he could face the prospect of going through it all again, and I am nearly 38 now so time is not on my side.

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randomimposter · 08/09/2010 21:34

pah - you're a baby, I'm 42 Grin. Seriously I would say you have enough time to rest, recuperate and try again (if of course that's what you decide to do).

was it DP's first then? That's tough for him. Am sorry. MMCs are particularly cruel (had absolutely no idea anything wrong first time round, apart from the fact it had just happened to Jordan Confused).

MummyAbroad · 08/09/2010 21:43

Hello,

Sorry for your losses (everyone, these are such sad stories Sad)

My due date will be the 9th of October, I am planning to light a candle, something I read about on another site.
www.pregnancyloss.info/honoring_your_baby.htm#services

October is also miscarriage awareness month so I will be writing something on my facebook status - outing myself as it were, as I havent been that public about what happened yet.

Now that I have read this thread though, I think perhaps I need to plan something else to actually keep me occupied, thank you for the heads up that the days before hand are worse.

wishing everyone better days,
xxxxxx

MummyAbroad · 08/09/2010 21:43

sorry mine is Oct 7th and it suddenly seems important to correct it!

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 08/09/2010 21:46

Did Jordan have a MMC? I didn't know that.

It was DP's first. He was looking forward to the scan as it was his first experience of one, and it turned out to be an awful experience. I am haunted by the image of what looked like a big empty sac on the screen. It seemed like forever before she spoke to us & explained what was happening.

We are in the middle of selling houses etc at the moment, so will be busy with that for a while.
I would love nothing more than a healthy pregnancy, but am petrified of going through this again, as is DP.

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Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 08/09/2010 21:49

Sorry to hear of your loss, MA.Sad

I didn't realise October was MC awareness month. I haven't been too public about my MC either.

The candle idea is lovely.

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Iggi999 · 08/09/2010 21:50

Hello, regarding the birthday issue,(and I know you might not be able to convince yourself of this!) but - given due dates are very vague anyway - could you pick another day just before the birthday and make that your sort of memorial day? If you reflected/cried/remembered the baby on that day, you might have the strength to make DPs birthday all about him?

randomimposter · 08/09/2010 21:53

Iggi's spot on.

NothingButTheTeuch · 08/09/2010 21:56

Sorry to hear of your losses.

My SIL went into labour the day before my 'due' date and I just couldn't believe it. As it was, the baby was born just after midnight the day after 'my' date.

In the run up, I boggled myself with stats - the due date means 'nothing', less than 5% born on due date, blah blah. The intention was to take the sting out of the one day, although I did let myself wallow a bit over those weeks. I should add that I was pregnant that time, and I was so frustrated that I had months of worrying ahead of me instead of having a baby in my arms.

Try and focus on the future - whatever that means for you both.

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 08/09/2010 22:00

That's a good idea, Iggi.

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Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 08/09/2010 22:08

I do try to focus on the future & had been doing quite well, but it feels like a rollercoaster ride at times - just as you start climbing, you can suddenly dip again.

Hopefully I can keep myself busy on the day. Was thinking of asking family to join us for a meal on his birthday. That way it would be less likely that conversation would turn to anything related to the MC.

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wonderif · 09/09/2010 10:56

sorry to hear of your losses

my due date was christmas day so i think it will be a very hard time this year.

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 09/09/2010 15:50

Sorry to hear of your loss, wonderif. It makes it that bit tougher when the due date lands on an occassion that should be celebrated, doesn't it?Sad

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MummyAbroad · 09/09/2010 18:41

oh, wonderif, my heart goes out to you. That must be so very hard.

Brokenbits · 10/09/2010 22:46

Mummy I will be thinking of you on your due date as it falls a day before the anniversary of my mc. Oddly enough, I now feel worse about the anniversary of my mc than I did my due date because I'm still not pregnant and unable to get pregnant without treatment. It seems wrong to feel comforted by the fact that we share close horrible anniversaries, but it helps me to feel less isolated IYSWIM?

I think the candle idea is lovely. I had no idea that October was miscarriage awareness month. Almost seems like another bitter reminder to me, although I know it should be a good thing.

NBTT I had a similar experience with my SIL in terms of close due dates and it was just awful, because she's probably the least tactful/ sympathetic person I know. I don't think being pregnant is any better than not being in those situations. Once you've endured any kind of loss, pregnancy does not necessarily equal baby.

wonderif I can't begin to imagine. This is hard enough as it is. Hugs.

MummyAbroad · 13/09/2010 01:27

Hi Brokenbits, I can understand that completely, I have the date when I found out my baby had no heartbeat (mine was mmc) burned forever in my memory, but I actually had to think about when the due date was, and even then I got it wrong (see above!)!

I will be thinking of you too, and all the women on these threads. I find it very comforting too to know that I am not the only one feeling these things. xxxxxxxxxxxxx