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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

MMC at 12 week scan - how will we get through next few days?

39 replies

Chloe55 · 11/08/2010 09:05

To cut a long story short we have ds who is 4 and had been ttc for 2 years. Ater multiple tests and evidence of me having PCOS and not showing to ovulate we were told we would need to start a course of Clomid.

However, the month before we were due to start you can imagine our surprise when we found out we were pg!

However our miracle baby was clearly not to be and after a couple of bouts of bleeding we went for an early scan at 9 weeks, baby had a strong heartbeat but was showing 8 weeks in size. I just hoped I had the dates wrong but after going for our 12 week scan we were told by the sonographer that our baby died at 8+ weeks (so not long after first scan).

We are utterly devastated beyond belief, I have so many worries and fears;

Will the D&C be painful? We are seeing the midwife today but I know the earliest they will get us in is tomorrow for the op and I just want it over and done with.

Will we ever have another miracle happen? What the hell do we tell our boy who ended up finding out mummy had a baby in her tummy? How do I face everyone who know and have to be strong to not crack at their sympathetic faces? How will I get through seeing my dear cousin who is 3 weeks more pregnant than me and who I have spent so much time with, I know I will be so jealous and not sure I can face her.

Everything has changed, our decisions for the next 12mths and onwards.

How will I feel on the due date?

When will I stop crying?

OP posts:
Iggii · 11/08/2010 10:15

So sorry Chloe. Wish I had the answers for all your questions. I think this IS the time for crying, I think you can be brave and in control on another day.

Iggii · 11/08/2010 10:15

So sorry Chloe. Wish I had the answers for all your questions. I think this IS the time for crying, I think you can be brave and in control on another day.

lisalou29 · 11/08/2010 10:28

I so sorry for your loss, I was told 5 weeks ago that our 14 week prgnancy was a molar pregnancy and I had to have a D&C two days later. I understand your fears as I had the same when I was told that I had to have an op to get evrything out, I just remember waking up and feeling sore down there and I had really heavy period pain. The hardest thing was telling our three little girls that mummy and daddys baby had died, as we only told them the week before that I was PG! my 6 and 4 year olds cried but my little two year old didn't really understand what she was being told. I think you will be surprised with how well your little boy will take the news ( better than we do). I felt really numb for weeks afterward (still do to be honest), but with time things start to heal. With your cusin just give yourself some space to greave your she will understand. Its taken me a while but everything comes down to time, you need time and it will get better.
Lisalou29 xxxx

lovemybabyboy · 11/08/2010 11:55

So sorry for your loss, i know how you must be feeling, i am going through the same thing. i started spotting on sat and went for my dating scan mon fearing the worst but still trying to cling on to hope, i was meant to be 13 wks but was told my baby died at 8 wks, me and my OH were devastated and still are. we were so happy when we found out that i was pg after only trying for 3 mths and were looking forward to giving our 20 mth son a bro or sis. i chose to have medical management and was due to go in hospital for the first tablet yest however i started having the worst pains ever like contractions yest morning and went in to hospital at lunch time but passed my baby naturally in its water sac in hospital before having any mediction. i had to be examined by the doctor and kept in for observations for a few hours. I know we will never get over this but in time we will learn to live with it. All tellin me i can have another but right now i dont want another baby just want my baby back! :'(

lovemybabyboy · 11/08/2010 11:59

:( :( :(

youremindmeofthebabe · 11/08/2010 13:23

Hi Chloe.

So Sorry for your loss, a MMC is a really terrible thing to have to go through. I had a MMC discovered at my 12 week scan around 2 months ago, and the ERPC on 1st June.

Let me reassure you that the operation itself, whilst i was very nervous beforehand, was very quick and, for me, pain-free. I was in no pain afterwards, some people report slight period-like pains, but managable with paracetemol.

I cried non-stop for at least 3 days, and it was a lot longer than that before I could talk about it without crying. However, it does get better. I can see my friend who was 4 weeks ahead of me now, with only regret for myself and my baby, and delight for her. Not something i thought would be possible early on.

Be kind to yourself, do whatever you need to to get through the next couple of days, I ate lots of chocolate, drank lots of wine, and generally felt very sorry for myself.

((hugs)) for you and your ds.

feedmenow · 11/08/2010 13:28

To echoe the words of everyone else, cry lots and spoil yourself. It will start to get easier once you've had the op because you'll be able to start getting over it. Where as in the wait before you feel in a bit of a limbo.

I'm sure you will feel saddened over the coming months when you see women as pregnant as you should have been, and you will probably feel rubbish towards the due date. But IME once the due date was gone it all started to get a bit easier.

Just be kind to yourself. xxx

Chloe55 · 11/08/2010 16:19

Thank you for your replies. After a long wait to see the doc at hospital they have booked me in for Friday for the op, they can not give me a time or even be sure they will fit me in as I will be on the energency list so I hope to God I get the op that day, was hoping I would be straight in tomorrow but I guess the hospital do not see the emotional emergency, just the physical emergency Sad

Can I just ask for those of you who may know - before my scan I was convinced our baby was fine as have been feeling flutters in my uterus for about 5 days now, I know it would have been early anyway but this was our second and I know what movement feels like. It's very odd now though as I have seen my baby on screen and I am well aware he/she is no longer alive but can't explain these flutters I am still feeling - do you think it could be the breaking down on the tissues in my uterus? I was enjoying the sensation a few days ago and now the feeling make me cringe Sad

OP posts:
lovemybabyboy · 11/08/2010 20:37

I also started feeling fluttees about 2 weeks ago but obviously it couldnt have been my baby as it had died about 3 weeks before. The thought did cross my mind the other day and i just decided that the feelings were all in my head! Since then i have not stopped looking on the net about moscarriage and i did come across something that said when the baby dies the womb starts to shrink so im thinkin maybe that was starting to happen to me 2 wks ago. Anyway be strong, we will all get through this together. xxx

lionmummy · 11/08/2010 22:30

Chloe, so sorry to read this. Sending you very non mumsnet hugs. I found out at 17+6 that my baby had died & had an ERPC 2 weeks ago today. I have a dd1 (4 years) and dd2 (2) and we didn't explain in lots of detail, other than that it wasn't a very good time for a baby to come at Christmas time (am dreading xmas already) and maybe it needs to come another time. All I can say is that it slowly gets easier - although seems that every second person I see in the street is pregnant and there are babies evrywhere. It did feel better after the operation and I had a Reiki treatmenta few days later which I felt hugely helpful.
Look after yourself and just go with what your body is telling you. Is interesting about the fluttering, I definitely felt this too & in the 36 hours I had to wait for the ERPC it would make me feel ill.

banana87 · 11/08/2010 22:45

Very sorry to hear about your loss Chloe. The great (if there is anything great) thing about the ERPC is that you dont have to deal with any physical symptoms of miscarriage and the physical recovery is quick. Emotional recovery is different. It takes varying amounts of time for different people. Please dont think you need to be strong right now, you need comforting. I can promise that TIME heals the emotional trauma of miscarriage, even if right now it does not seem that way.

MummyAbroad · 11/08/2010 22:53

Hi Chloe,

I am so sorry for your loss, and for all the other ladies who posted their stories too.

I just wanted to answer one question. The ERPC doesn't hurt. Its a bit nerve racking before you go in, but its over very quickly and you wont feel anything at all.

I feel for you with your cousin, I have a sister in law who is pregnant and am dreading the invite to the baby shower. I must admit I find it a lot easy to share with other women who have had a miscarriage than anyone else. Talking on MN has helped me lots, hope it helps you too.

hugs xxxx

randomimposter · 12/08/2010 07:31

Am so sorry for your loss - my first MMC was discovered at my 12 week scan and I had no indication that anything was wrong (baby had died a few days before).

The ERPC is fine - and I hate hospitals and procedures - but really it is over so quickly and physically your recovery will be really speedy.

Emotionally of course things take longer; I remember so well that sense of the future changing in one instant :(.

I cried a lot with my first MMC, every night for a week after I put my son to bed. Everyone reacts differently to grief - you may feel quite adjusted quite quickly, it may take you a long time. Take the time YOU need, get the support YOU need. I wish you all the best; I hope they do fit you in on Friday and your recovery can start. I found wine, pate and forbidden cheese a great help...

Chloe55 · 12/08/2010 08:11

Thank you so much for your support. I thought i was doing ok for a bit yesterday but feel like I have been hit with a tonne of bricks again this morning after little sleep.

I researched a bit after posting about the flutters as I thought I might be having some sort of weird phantom pregnancy and maybe was in denial but hearing other stories has put my mind at rest and I keep trying not to think about it now when I feel them - at least I know I am not going mad.

Thanks for the pate and wine suggestions, I indulged in a bit of both yesterday Smile I have also had the odd cig since finding out which I feel dreadfully guilty about but having gone 10 weeks without one I just thought f**k it Blush but whatever gets me through these next few days is good enough for me. I can concentrate on getting healthy again once this stage is over.

Dh has come down with flu now, think he has run himself down to be honest, that's all we bloody need - who will do my housework now Wink. I have to joke or I will lose it.

OP posts:
Chloe55 · 12/08/2010 08:12

Oh and I am sorry for the losses you have shared with me - until now I had no idea just how truly heartbreaking it can be.

OP posts:
Chloe55 · 12/08/2010 17:19

I have written a poem, I wanted to share it with someone;

Our hearts were filled with joy
The day we saw that line.
Our miracle baby was here
We prayed everything would be fine.

My tummy began to swell,
The sickness sure kicked in.
Gradually friends began to twig
So we told them with a grin.

But soon those smiles would fade
On that warm but fateful day.
The look on the sonographer's face,
She didn't have to say.

Oh baby you had to leave us
To that place up in the sky.
We will never hold you tight,
We can never say goodbye.

But you blessed our hearts forever,
Although you couldn't stay,
And we will forever remember you,
Sleep softly as you lay.

I feel better for getting some thoughts down in words. Today is a tough day.

OP posts:
KnitterNotTwitter · 12/08/2010 19:59


Hello there - we were Feb 11 buddies. I'm so sorry to hear your news. It sounds almost the same as what happened to me. It is the most heartbreaking thing ever. I am so so so so sorry.

The next few days will be such a rollercoaster. Just do as little as you can, cry and scream as much as you can.

I love your poem - am crying at work as it summs up a lot of the things I was thinking very eloquently. Beautiful words.

The D&C will be fine - mine was a dull day of waiting and then the general anasthetic and then it was all over. The harder thing is the thoughts you'll think, the anger you'll feel with your body and the emotional energy it takes to tell everyone...

I'm so angry that you've had to go all through this too.

Look after yourself. Sending you the biggest hug MN can manage....

KnitterNotTwitter · 12/08/2010 20:05

Should have said that i had the flutters too. I thought it was my baby moving but suspect it couldn't have been. In retrospect I guess they weren't baby moving as they were all over my abdomen, where as with my DS the movements were all in one place... They carried on for a few days after the ERPC which is horrible - I guess it's the uterus shrugging and shuddering as it reverses the swelling process....?

Still feeling so sad and angry for you.

Mercedes519 · 12/08/2010 20:07

Just be good to yourself for as long as it takes. People seem to forget quite quickly and expect you to be ok but you have been bereaved and need time to grieve. Don't let them make you feel when you should be over it.

I am pg again after a mmc last year but I still feel sad for the baby we didn't have.

Chloe55 · 12/08/2010 20:19

Congrats Mercedes Smile - I like to hear news like that.

Yes, I remember you leaving well Knitter, I remember thinking how shit it must be to get that far along and find out and here we both are Sad It's very comforting to hear from you.

I know what you mean about people quickly forgetting, my friends have been amazing but I am sure time will pass much quicker for them and I worry I won't be in 'the place I will be expected to be' when I need to be. That sounds very self-indulgent but I do kinda feel that. We have a few weddings coming up soon (I had actually bought a maternity dress for one Sad) and one of the weddings is for the hen do I have just been on when I started bleeding. Only a few of the girls new about the bleed - the others I don't know really and can only hope they are informed that I am no longer pg for the next time I see them.

OP posts:
KnitterNotTwitter · 12/08/2010 20:30

I'm sure you won't feel like it yet...but when the time comes that you are ready to start TTC again the ladies on here are lovely - Honeywitch and I are on there so you'll be with old friends

FWIW Honeywitch thought she might be pregnant again but isn't - i know ledkr posted it on the Feb 11 board but I don't think she's picked up the latest news... it was just her hormones whirling around in the first cycle after the ERPC - it's such a rollercoaster that first month... :(
MummyAbroad · 12/08/2010 20:46

Thats a lovely poem Chloe, made me cry too Blush

Can you ask the person who knows to spread the word for you? I did and it helped a lot.

I had gone 14 weeks when I found out that my baby died, after 12 weeks I had told everyone, ordered maternity clothes online and dug out all my older sons baby gear.... and cried everytime a parcel arrived or I looked in the spare room. It was really hard getting calls from people congratulating me on the pregnancy and I had to tell them it was all over Sad After a while I started asking each person to help me by telling at least one other person for me. I also sent an email to two friends explaining and asking them to tell as many people as they could think of so I didnt have to.

I ended up getting lots of nice get well soon messages instead and that helped too.

and if you dont feel like going to a wedding, dont go! You are allowed to do whatever you feel like until you feel better. xxxx

Chloe55 · 12/08/2010 21:09

What sad news about Honeywitch, I did think she had conceived again Sad

Mummyabroad - I have actually put my size 12's up in the loft as they don't fit - they still don't fit but all I have left now is maternity wear which I dragged down from last pg, it's not quite right wearing maternity clothes when you aren't pg so I am living in my dh's tracky bottoms and a vest top, I look very attractive Wink but who cares.

I have told a good friend to spread the word, I hope no-one falls through the net though, I guess more for their benefit than mine because what a horrible position they would be in if they asked how I was getting on with the pg Confused

OP posts:
MummyAbroad · 12/08/2010 21:19

Grin am imagining you in the tracky bottoms.
I had a month of that too, then I did binge eating followed by a crash diet and then therapeutic shopping.Smile

I look presentable again.Smile

Chloe55 · 12/08/2010 21:26

Dh will be pleased there is light at the end of the tunnel and I may actually look presentable again Grin

OP posts:
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