MMC at 12 week scan - how will we get through next few days?

[Chloe55]

To cut a long story short we have ds who is 4 and had been ttc for 2 years. Ater multiple tests and evidence of me having PCOS and not showing to ovulate we were told we would need to start a course of Clomid.

However, the month before we were due to start you can imagine our surprise when we found out we were pg!

However our miracle baby was clearly not to be and after a couple of bouts of bleeding we went for an early scan at 9 weeks, baby had a strong heartbeat but was showing 8 weeks in size. I just hoped I had the dates wrong but after going for our 12 week scan we were told by the sonographer that our baby died at 8+ weeks (so not long after first scan).

We are utterly devastated beyond belief, I have so many worries and fears;

Will the D&C be painful? We are seeing the midwife today but I know the earliest they will get us in is tomorrow for the op and I just want it over and done with.

Will we ever have another miracle happen? What the hell do we tell our boy who ended up finding out mummy had a baby in her tummy? How do I face everyone who know and have to be strong to not crack at their sympathetic faces? How will I get through seeing my dear cousin who is 3 weeks more pregnant than me and who I have spent so much time with, I know I will be so jealous and not sure I can face her.

Everything has changed, our decisions for the next 12mths and onwards.

How will I feel on the due date?

When will I stop crying?

Hi Chloe, really sorry this has happened to you. It is rubbish isn't it

I lost our little miracle baby by MMC in February 2009 - he/she must have died very soon after we saw the heartbeat on the early scan.

I was destroyed (had been TTC for a long time, had very erratic periods and in fact got that BFP on day 88 of my cycle), and thought I would never stop crying. However, mentally I was a bit better after the ERPC and in time things got easier.

I started Clomid in May 2009, conceived first cycle, so I was pregnant again by the time of the due date - that was a great healer.

Recent research has shown there is no need to wait before trying again, so you can try as soon as you feel ready. Hopefully they will still give you the Clomid once you feel able to start again. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself though.

Hope the ERPC goes well and best of luck xxx

Thanks Pinky, your post is interesting - I assumed they wouldn't consider me for Clomid now as I managed to conceive without it - do you conceive with your mmc using Clomid or without it? I have PCOS and they thought I wasn't ovulating as ahd been trying for 2 years with no avail.

My ERPC went as well as could be expected. I was so emotional just before and after for a little while but do actually feel much better than I thought I would emotionally. I was feeling a bit sad and empty knowing my baby was finally gone and although I couldn't wait for him/her to be removed as I felt so weird I also felt almost like I had lost him/her all over again for a little while. The nurses were just lovely.

Hi chloe, glad to hear everything went well today. its been 4 days since my scan and 3 days since my miscarriage/day i passed my baby, its been hard but every day im feeling a little bit better, left the house for the 1st time today, it went ok but got upset seeing pg ladies and double buggies. just wanted to say that i thought your poem was lovely, sums up my thoughts and feelings exactly. my mum said to me today "your baby is so precious that God didnt want to give it up" i thought that was so lovely it made me cry but also made me feel better. xxx

It's happened to me now too - had some brown mucus and a smear of red blood on Thursday night so came in for an emergency scan yesterday, Friday the 13th, and they said the baby had died around 8 weeks. I was 11 weeks and was due for my 12 week scan on Aug 18th.

I've been nearly catatonic with shock all day and now can't sleep.

How does anyone get back to sleeping again? I'm so distraught about this. It was my first ever pregnancy so we have no children yet. Maybe we'll never have any now. I can't believe such horrible luck to have this happen for my first pregnancy. Coming back from the hospital after the scan was like coming back from a funeral. Nothing is really sinking in yet and I've left it to go the natural route for now because I don't feel up to any decisions.

Does anyone have any advice re the surgical route? I've heard it is the same as an abortion and can damage the cervix for future pregnancies so am scared of that route. How high is the risk of cervical damage for someone who hasn't ever given birth? Equally the drugs route is scary too. I've been having cramps and more bleeding today, it's brown mucus/old blood though, not fresh red blood yet. Don't know when/if that starts. Maybe surgery would be the easiest option? I couldn't face the thought of it initially but if it gets the physical pain out of the way then maybe it's for the best. This is so horrible, I can't get my mind around it at all

Chloe My MMC was conceived with the aid of Metformin - this is a diabetic drug which makes the body's cells more sensitive to insulin (there is a theory that PCOS is linked to an insulin imbalance) but not Clomid.

From May 2009 I had Clomid (50mg once daily) and Metformin (500mg three times daily) and nine months later my lovely DS was born.

The doctor I saw at the fertility clinic gave me the Clomid even though I had already conceived without it - I did have to push quite hard for it though.

Glad your ERPC went well and hopefully the physical and mental healing process can start for you now. There is lots of lovely support on here if you need it.

InMyPrime really sorry to hear about your loss too. I had "expectant management" for a bit (to see if my MMC passed naturally) but in the end it was better for me mentally to have the ERPC. I've had no problems with cervical damage or Ashermans - but am not sure what the risk is in terms of percentages. Your doctor might know? Good luck x

Lovemybaby - what a truly beautiful thing your mum said, so thoughtful.

Inmyprime - I am so sorry, this is one of the hardest things, if not the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. How you decide to manage the inevitable is an entirely personal choice and I was very lucky to have my MIL who is a retired midwife and also has experienced the same loss as us. I had already made the decision the day we found out that I would go for the surgical option as I had been bleeding on and off for a week but not fully passed what I needed to. The midwife I first saw at the hospital explained my 3 options, surigical, medical or natural - to be honest I was scared of going medical or natural route as I couldn't bear the thought of passing my baby, seeing it there or going through any labour pains - I was thinking the worst and thought it might traumatise me more.

After speaking to my MIL she confirmed my decision by immediately saying that thank God they are offering you surgical evacuation, she explained that it could take weeks for things to happen naturally (especially considering the baby died 3 weeks previously) and there would be a strong risk of infection. Medical, she said would be very painful She also mentioned that with surgical evacuation it would be less likely there would be complications for further pgs, she had known quite a few ladies who had gone down other routes, become infected, not realised and fallen pg again - resulting in pg complications..again

You are right, there are risks associated with the surgical, womb punctures, infection, general anaesthetic complications, however, these risks are very minimal. Emotionally, you have to be in hospital and not in the comfort of your own home, you have the fear of the anaesthetic, things are very clinical, you essentially have given permission to remove your beloved baby and might feel guilt/the loss all over again and other feelings of grief, I know I did.

However, on a positive note (if there actually can be one) - I am feeling a sense of relief today. I am passing blood still but without tmi it is a different type of blood iykwim, I don't fear that I witness losing my baby. I am not in too much discomfort. The nurses what so lovely and caring. I don't have that horrible feeling of my mind trying to nurture the life inside me whilst my body has already rejected it. The pg symptoms have already eased. I actually don't feel pg anymore and right up until yesterday I still did which was hard to come to terms with.

Like I say, the decision is such a personal one but I just wanted to share my feelings before and after if it can help you at all.

Please try and remain positive for the future. Many ladies go on to conceive post miscarriage. I know that is easier said than done, I know this as I am trying to believe my own words too.

Thanks for your thoughts and advice pp and Chloe,

I managed to get a couple of hours sleep in the end but still woke up crying as soon as reality hit me again. It is now getting to me to have pregnancy symptoms without a baby, as you said, so I'm thinking the surgical route might be best to just get over the physical side of it so I can deal with the emotional stuff. I guess it's about taking it one day at a time for now....

InMyPrime I am so sorry.

I too had a MMC prior to DD and had the same thoughts as you. What if we never have kids? What if surgery ruins me?

In the end, I did go for the ERPC because I felt like I wanted to stop feeling pregnant if I wasn't. I also did not want to have to go through the physical and emotional trauma of a natural m/c.

Whatever you decide is a personal thing, and don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

(hugs)

Chloe55,

can i just say your wonderful poem made me sob. I too suffered an MC this week @ 12 weeks - totally devastated, but as a new mumsnetter drawing comfort and strength from the many people on here who seem to have gone through the same horrendous experience as i have.

I have a DS age 2.5 and this was a very wanted number 2. Devastated.

Came back to check how you got on Chloe55, I am so glad the procedure went OK. Its been over five weeks since mine and I cant tell you how different I feel. Hope that time will be a great healer for you too. xxx

InMyPrime, I am really sorry for your loss I hope things go smoothly for you whichever route you decide.

There are several really good threads on here where women have outlined their experiences of both options if you need more help to make your decision.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/miscarriage/1006310-Natural-vs-Medical-vs-Surgical-after-mmc

I too couldnt sleep for a while, but remedied the situation with travel sick pills. They make you really drowsy and are non addictive unlike regular sleeping tablets. Chewable childrens ones are easy to take and low dose. The downside is that you do feel really groggy the next morning. Perhaps you could discuss this with your doctor or ring the NHS helpline and see if someone can give you the OK to try this as its not a good idea to use any medication without running it by a doctor first.

OR If you know anyone who lives near a hops farm, ask them to get you a few branches and put it near your pillow. This natural remedy really works wonders, you will drift off in 30 seconds guaranteed.

2 months after my miscarriage I conceived my DD. I often think that had I never lost that baby, I would never had her. I had the surgical option and was glad to have it all over. I held onto the belief that things happen for a reason.

Ok, not a good day Struggled to hold it together all day. Dh is getting concerned about me as he doesn't think I am talking enough and going off into my own world. I have tried to explain that I can not possibly hear anymore "You have to stay positive", "You will get another chance", "At least you have your beautiful son" and all the rest of the phrases that I know people think help, and sometimes they do but sometimes I can't see past today, I can't feel grateful for what I have when I have lost something so precious, I know times a great healer but at the moment I'm not healed, I can't listen anymore

I feel awful because dh wants to talk I think but I need some space, I almost feel smothered into expressing my feelings that I actually feel quite protective over.

MIL also said something interesting today. I thought I was doing much better yesterday but today I can't stop crying. She mentioned it had been a couple of days since my op and so my hormone levels are all changing again, a bit like they do after you have a baby and get 'baby blues'. She has actually been a big help today. She shared her miscarriage story with me and I actually felt like I could relate to someone in real life who knew how I was feeling and that it was ok to live today and concentrate on tomorrow another day.

Sorry to hear today's been so hard Chloe... have you contacted or thought about the Miscarriage Assoc?

maybe try here

Hi Chloe,

You have all my sympathy, its not long ago that I went through the same kind of thing. It sounds like now that the physical recovery process is coming to an end you are starting to process the emotional hurt. There are lots of different ways of doing this, go with whatever feels natural to you. I personally alternated between talking and needing personal space several times a day!

Please don?t feel that you have to ?hold it all together? though. In fact, you may well need to let it all fall apart. I dont think I really started to feel better until after I fell apart IYSWIM.

You have lost something very very precious and it is natural to feel sad and not want to be cheered up by well meaning people. (if they keep bothering you, give them a job to do, they will probably jump at the chance to not feel so helpless)

It is important that you allow yourself to grieve and say goodbye, and sometimes trying to be strong and get over it quickly can actually stop you from doing that.
You will be healed in time, but don?t rush it, go at your own pace.

I am glad you are getting support from your MIL, sending you a big hug

xxxxxxx