Has anyone else suffered a MC & then known it was unlikely you would have another child? How do you get through it?

[Pinkchampagne]

I have been with my DP for 3 years now. I have been married before & have 2 DS's with ex h. I didn't enjoy either pregnancy, as ex h was not very supportive, especially the second time. After DS2 was born, he had a vasectomy & I had very much accepted that my 2 boys would be my lot.

We split up 3 years after DS2 was born & I later met DP. We took things very slowly. We had both recently come out of our marriages & had our own houses, so there was never any need to move in together too quickly. I was also very aware that I had the two boys & DP's only commitment was a little westie, so didn't want to throw the chaos of our lifestyle on him too quickly.

We had started talking about the possibility of getting a place together, when in February this year, to our shock, I found out I was pregnant with his child.
We had not ruled out the possibility of a child, but hadn't talked too seriously about it, and the timing was bad, as I live in a 2 bed house with the boys, and he lives in a 2 bed house in another town, but we quickly got used to it & looked into putting our houses on the market asap.

We got quite excited about the whole thing, and each week I would look online to see how the baby changed from week to week. We talked about whether it might be a boy or a girl, who it might look like etc.

On 30th March, we both went along for our 12 week scan, and were told that the baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks 6 days. My whole world suddenly crashed around me. I had been carrying a dead baby around for 5 whole weeks.

I have really struggled to come to terms with the loss. It has hit me harder than I could imagine. Every part of my body aches to be pregnant again, but the time is wrong. DP is not having any luck selling his house & he is having financial worries, as he is still going through his divorce.
I am 38 in October & I know time is not on my side. It is not at all practical to even think about trying for a child now, so am having to face the prospect of never trying again.

I should be ok about it, as I find my two boys more than a handful, and I now have more free time etc. Why would I want to start again?
But I can't accept that that was probably our only chance of a child together. I just can't come to terms with it & can't imagine I ever will.
I am feeling totally shattered. I keep crying & poor DP is feeling helpless. I am scared it is going to affect our relationship, which was so strong before this.

Has anyone else been in a similar position to me, and if so, does the pain ever lesson? Do you ever reach acceptance & get on with life?
I just don't know how to get through this.

Pathetic bump. I really am struggling with all this atm. I am down to see a counsellor, but there is a 14 week waiting list.

Just wanted to express sympathy, PC, - not been in your situation. There is a thread somewhere involving 40-something y/o pregnant women. I don't think you need to see time as being hopelessly against you - many women in their early to mid-40s have babies

I am so sorry about your miscarriage...I have been there twice

Are you really sure that in a year or two,you would not both feel you could go ahead and try again??

I know finances are not great, but when you were still pg, you thought you were going to manage, so what has really changed from that point of view?

Perhaps I misread your OP, but if you so desperately want another child (after having the prospect dangled so cruelly before you), I would find a way, I really would

I want to, so so much. I want nothing more in the world, but DP cannot commit atm. He has a lot going on with trying to sell the house & worries about how his finances will be affected with the divorce. He said we can maybe look at where we are once we are settled living together & see what stage we are at financially, but I see that as a loose answer, so far in the future (he has only had a few viewers so far & none have come to anything), when time really isn't on my side.
I have been trying to tell myself that I need to try & get my head around never having a baby together, but I just can't. I hate the thought that that could have been our only chance at it. It is tearing me apart, and DP is finding it hard & frustrating because he just doesn't know what to do for me. I can see it putting real pressure on our relationship, which I really don't want to happen.

PC I'm so sad to read this. I have no experience of this at all.

It's okay and natural to really really grieve , grieve for the baby, grieve for having a baby with a lovely normal supportive partner etc etc etc

I know it must be all so very raw at the moment

But if he was OK with your pg before it sadly ended (accepting it might be difficult financially etc...), then I fail to see what has really changed

I guess I just don't get that if it was happening until very recently, then why now is an absolute no-no

I am really sorry, however and I hope my thoughts aren't making you feel worse

It's just I get that visceral craving for something...I didn't even realise how much I wanted to have children until I was told that I very likely never could

The whole trying to get my head around the possibility of that being it, is just too much for me. I hardly slept last night at all. It is like there is no hope at the end, no light at the end of the tunnel.

I am so sorry x

So sorry to read the sadness in your post. MC is so sad; I have had 2 MMCs so understand how you are feeling.

I can see how at the moment in your difficult circumstances it seems a bit bleak BUT I agree with AF; it's hard to understand why it's suddenly so hopeless. I cam understand you feel time is passing you but you're a youngster to me at 37! I had DS at 40, and my 2 MMCs have been in the last year, and am now 10 weeks, at the ripe old age of 42 (not counting any chickens with this pg I hasten to add).

And I know 14 weeks seems an age away, but please take advantage of the counselling.

Hope the logistical issues get clearer, and the emotional ones become less raw.

I would only have 2 months to go now & we are nowhere near being able to move in together, due to how slow the market is atm, so we are aware it would have been a bit of a nightmare, but I would sooner be facing that dilema than feeling this pain.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, jollster. Your post has given me a little glimmer of hope. I will keep everything crossed for you that this pregnancy goes well.

DP is feeling unhappy today too. He says it is a pants situation we have ended up in & will be glad when we can get back to normal. How is that going to happen?

oh, PC, they just don't get it, do they

you have to make him understand how you are feeling

He knows how I feel, telling him how strongly I feel would have resulted in him feeling bad though, which makes me feel guilty. It is such a shiet situation to be in.

I know

He obviously doesn't have the strength of feelings I have. Men often don't though, do they? He is of course thinking of the practical things, which I should be thinking of, but this longing I am feeling is far stronger than anything on the pros & cons list.
DP is more affected by how the whole thing has affected me, and wishes things could jump back to normal. Not that simple though sadly, is it?

Sorry for your loss Pink champagne. I will echo what's been said about counselling. It is so helpful to be able to say whatever you feel to someone who is completely objective.

The change in feelings can really take you by surprise when you fall pregnant. Unfortunately this doesn't happen with men so much as they obviously don't go through the hormonal experience. It sounds to me that when you fell unexpectedly pregnant he sounds like he was happy with the situation despite the bad timing financially so it doesn't sound like he's against the idea but it's easier for him to now stand back emotionally and look at things from a practical point of view. especially if he is anxious about finances, something which I think men find harder to deal with.

Your maternal hormones have been reactivated, if you like,by your pregnancy and the loss and feeling of being cheated only makes the urge to be pregnant again that much stronger. So, you are in a very 'female' position and he a 'male' (hunter, gatherer) position. It sounds like he would be happy to have a child with you, just once he feels more secure about his position.

It sounds like you are probably quite fertile of you fell pregnant after one encounter without contraception so there's no reason why you shouldn't try again in,say, a year or so. Yes, it's true there are more risks with pregnancy when you are older but there are also plenty of success stories too.

What you say makes a lot of sense, HK.

Sometimes I just wish I could turn off these strong feelings I have. I didn't have these strong desires for a baby before the miscarriage, and my head didn't feel a fraction as messed up as it now does.
DP can still look at things in the way he would have before, as the miscarriage itself didn't mess him up in the way it has me, so like you say, he can look more at the practical side of things.
I do understand his reasons. I know it would be silly to try right now, but I guess I need to feel some hope, and right now that hope seems to be fading away, which has magnified my pain.

I guess nobody knows what the future will bring though, and there may still be some hope, I guess. Maybe I should try to push all of this out of my head for a while. It is just too much for me to deal with right now.

Pink champagne I am sorry to hear of your loss, these do trigger feelings so much stronger than they were before. I hope you can find your way through this you have been strong enough to seek support and I am sure MNers will help during the 14 week wait take care

Thank you, GHM. I have found MN a huge support since all of this happened.

sweetheart...there is definitely hope

hi PC, i agree with what other posters have said, that it seems a bit strange that your DP got quite excited about the pregnancy you sadly lost, but is now saying you can't try again for the forseeable future. why don't you try to give yourself some time to recover from the MC, but agree with him to start talking seriously about trying again, in, say, six months time (max.)? This will be long enough in the future for him to think he can forget about it; and long enough for you to have put the MC behind you, in as much as is possible. At the same time it's not so long much in the distant future that it will cost you too much biological clock time! By then his house situation may be resolved and your finances clearer.
Two things to add. 1) my mum had my little sister when she was 44 years old! it was a natural pregnancy, no IVF or any of that in those days! and 2) it is quite normal for miscarriages to 'hit' you really hard several months later. I have had four miscarriages and sometimes was surprised by the strength of the grief that hit me again quite a long time after. it was like a delayed effect. you WILL feel less raw about it in months to come; that i promise, but it DOES take time.

Thank you - you all talk lots of sense & have helped me think a bit straighter.

Yesterday I spent lots of time thinking about all this, and like you say, sotough, I need to get myself through the miscarriage first before putting extra things in my head. Things that are in the future, which may or may not happen. Nobody knows what is around the corner, do they?
It is more than my head can deal with right now, so I need to just concentrate on getting over the miscarriage itself for now, or I will be heading for a breakdown.

DP was starting to feel overloaded. He has the worries of the divorce & his house sale, which are of course two of the most stressful things you can go through, and pressure to commit right now to having a baby is just too much for him.
I guess I felt that I needed the hope that it definitely would happen. I felt it would help me move on, but DP cannot give me that right at this moment. I need to take one step at a time right now, don't I?
I expect he is also scared of going through this again, on seeing how badly it has affected me.

A lot of the hopeless feelings were my own doing I guess. My head is totally screwed with all of this. It has really shocked me how badly it has messed my head up, changed my thinking & been impossible to snap myself out of.
I have been & still am struggling with all this, so I need to try taking baby steps, getting myself over one thing before trying to take on so much more in my already messed head, don't I?
Can you tell I have been giving myself a bit of a talking to over the last few days!

Yes, you can tell

but don't be quite so hard on yourself

and you can never just "snap out of" an experience like this

you will struggle for some time yet...how long, who knows?

it will get easier...but not before you are ready

give yourself permission to grieve, and wallow and be kind to yourself and to your partner

talk to him, he must be feeling quite scared if you have been feeling so hopeless and messed-up

I know. I guess it is because I have always been a person who can get myself through things. I think of stratagies to help myself, think of those worse off & think of the things I should be grateful for. I have been thinking all these things, but this time I cannot help myself get rid of the pain. It keeps reappearing, sometimes when I least expect it, and my brain is all muddled & messy.

I spoke to a friend last night, who has been through a MC herself, and she told me that the worse thing you can do is try to bottle it. She said her MC took her a good year to get over. It helped to talk to her.

It is always DP that I pour out to, and I guess it is difficult for him. He feels powerless to help me & I can see it is getting him down too, which then leads to me feeling guilty.
I have been talking to him a lot about this over the last few days, and have tried to be a little easier to be around. I love him to bits & don't want our relationship suffering because of all this. Guess it has been a real test of how strong we are as a couple.

I just feel I am taking on too much in my head, so need to get through the MC itself before taking on more in my head, as I really started to feel at breaking point.