Has anyone else suffered a MC & then known it was unlikely you would have another child? How do you get through it?

[Pinkchampagne]

I have been with my DP for 3 years now. I have been married before & have 2 DS's with ex h. I didn't enjoy either pregnancy, as ex h was not very supportive, especially the second time. After DS2 was born, he had a vasectomy & I had very much accepted that my 2 boys would be my lot.

We split up 3 years after DS2 was born & I later met DP. We took things very slowly. We had both recently come out of our marriages & had our own houses, so there was never any need to move in together too quickly. I was also very aware that I had the two boys & DP's only commitment was a little westie, so didn't want to throw the chaos of our lifestyle on him too quickly.

We had started talking about the possibility of getting a place together, when in February this year, to our shock, I found out I was pregnant with his child.
We had not ruled out the possibility of a child, but hadn't talked too seriously about it, and the timing was bad, as I live in a 2 bed house with the boys, and he lives in a 2 bed house in another town, but we quickly got used to it & looked into putting our houses on the market asap.

We got quite excited about the whole thing, and each week I would look online to see how the baby changed from week to week. We talked about whether it might be a boy or a girl, who it might look like etc.

On 30th March, we both went along for our 12 week scan, and were told that the baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks 6 days. My whole world suddenly crashed around me. I had been carrying a dead baby around for 5 whole weeks.

I have really struggled to come to terms with the loss. It has hit me harder than I could imagine. Every part of my body aches to be pregnant again, but the time is wrong. DP is not having any luck selling his house & he is having financial worries, as he is still going through his divorce.
I am 38 in October & I know time is not on my side. It is not at all practical to even think about trying for a child now, so am having to face the prospect of never trying again.

I should be ok about it, as I find my two boys more than a handful, and I now have more free time etc. Why would I want to start again?
But I can't accept that that was probably our only chance of a child together. I just can't come to terms with it & can't imagine I ever will.
I am feeling totally shattered. I keep crying & poor DP is feeling helpless. I am scared it is going to affect our relationship, which was so strong before this.

Has anyone else been in a similar position to me, and if so, does the pain ever lesson? Do you ever reach acceptance & get on with life?
I just don't know how to get through this.

"he feels powerless to help me"

I guess for your DP the only way he can fix this 'problem' is to get you pregnant again. Right?
And right now, for him, deliberately trying to get you pregnant would be making a complicated situation even more complicated.
But I think you need to hear from him, that even though he doesn't want to try get you pregnant again RIGHT NOW. He's not denying the possibility of ever seeing whether you get pregnant again sometime a bit later on.
I think you need to know from him that he wants that possibility, but he's scared that you want him to put a timeframe on it that he can't commit to.

So maybe you could agree to a time to 'review' the situation. Maybe acknowledge that right now, although you long to be pregnant again (and boy do I know that longing....just miscarried for the 2nd time in 4 months), you need some time to grieve and regain emotional resilience. And in that time, living/financial arrangements may be changing and you review whether you're both happy to start maybe not trying, but not NOT trying and see what happens.
Maybe take the pressure off - taking a 'let's see what happens after 8-12 weeks, you never know, could be a month, could be 10 months, and then it take 9 months before the baby actually arrives' - help him to put the time involved into perspective rather than it all being about RIGHT NOW.

I am not going to pressure him anymore about it right now, as I am worried about the affect it could have on our relationship, but I will see how things go with the house sale & divorce, and also concentrate on getting myself back on track a bit, then will review it all.
I just think it is obviously a bad time to be putting pressure on DP, as he has so much going on & I am just getting myself more & more depressed by trying to deal with extra worries, when I am far from over the MC itself yet.
Maybe I will be better to concentrate on getting myself over this a little more for now, as I am still struggling so much emotionally, then see where we are a few months down the line. Do you think that sounds like a good plan?

Sorry to hear about your second MC, ladybee.It really is the pits, isn't it?

pinkchampagne I totally understand where you are coming from and if I could tell you what the right answer is I would, but for me....
I am going through a similar thing..I found out I was pg in January - when my ds3 was 10 months old he took 3.5 years to come along so even bigger shock that I find myself in that situation..My dh was shocked but came round to the idea of having 4! I never quite got over the shock but....Had a scan at 8 wks all fine - had 12 week scan baby had died at 11.5 wks...my shock turned to loss and sadness. My dh was also upset and shocked again that this had happened to us.

After a few weeks we decided that actually number 4 would be right - so a couple of months ago started ttc...
Anyway we were on hols and ds3 was up during the night teething - which we have never had before...a few nights ago my dh said enough we are not havinmg anymore... well I am devastated and upset that he can change his mind just like that... he has said that we agreed 3 was enough last yr when number 3 came along but since the mc I have changed my mind on what I want.
Anyway talked last night and his feeling is hes too old (he's just turned 41) and will be too old trying to put 4 thru university. We are financially secure but means my dh does have to work hard to maintain this security and he feels tired being on the treadmill...no decision but happier we had talked. This morning he woke at 6 saying he has hardly slept worrying about what this is going to do to our marriage if we do or dont!! I said fine lets stick to 3 - he said good decision...He left early to go to the gym and work. Am angry,upset and feel selfish to feel this way and this is not like us at all...I too don't know where to go from here

Sorry you are also in this situation. It is quite alarming how strongly your feelings change after a MC & how you so yearn to be pregnant again. I worried about the impact it was going to have on our relationship too as it was already causing difficulties. Men can look at it all from a more practical side, but we can have these overwhelming feelings that take over all that. I wish I could just settle & know I would never have any regrets if we were to leave things as they are, but feeling as I do now, I can't see that happening.
Ours was an unplanned pregnancy too, but would have been my first child with DP & now I so long for his baby. He too worries about age as he is nearly 40 now, and much as I also worry about that & other things, it doesn't stop this desire being here.
Because I can't change things right now & know it is a bad time to be putting extra pressure on DP, plus the feelings of depression that were starting to take over me, I have decided to try to push it to the back of my mind for now while I try to get myself over the MC itself. I just don't know what else to do right now.
Maybe your DH will change his mind in time.