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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

17 &5days and miscarried

33 replies

wonderif · 27/07/2010 16:39

hi need some advice from those who have been there

had a regular app today for check up midwife couldnt find heartbeat, and then sent me for a scan baby had died

am numb i do have 2 children and am thankful for this just so in shock

the hospital were good but told me to phone when i was ready and they would admit me to get whatever they do done.

can anyone tell me about this, they mentionned d&c etc?

thank s ina dvance

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IzzyWizzyletsgetbusy · 27/07/2010 17:16

Wonderif - I am so sorry to hear your sad news

The same thing happened to me at a routine MW appointment at 16+2 weeks - I had no idea anything was wrong and it was devastating, I remember totally the numbness and shock that you are feeling (3almost 3 weeks on, it's still there to some extent).

I was offered the choice of medical management, ie induced labour, or surgery (ie D&C or ERPC). I chose surgery because I just couldn't face the labour, but understand completely that others may feel exactly the opposite. Physically the surgery was quick and I have recovered well and quickly, but emotionally I am still something of a wreck. Just take your time to reach a decision, talk it over with your partner and the midwives and try to work out what you are most able to cope with right now.

I also found it helped to speak to the hospital chaplain who was lovely and who arranged a beautiful, although obviously very very sad, private cremation and memorial service for our baby. We also gave the baby a name. This might not be right for you, but please think about it if you believe it would help.

Also wanted to say that, like you, I also have two other children and they are such a blessing and every day I'm thankful that I have them. However that does stop me grieving over the child I have lost, and I don't think it should. Sometimes people can be less than sensitive when they are trying to cheer you up, but please remember that you have every right to grieve for the loss of your baby, and having older children does not change this.

I will be thinking of you and hope that you get the support you need in RL, I am so very sorry x

wonderif · 27/07/2010 18:31

izzywizzyletsgetbusy, thank you so much for your reply.

i am so sorry for your loss also!

the consultant mentionned taking tabs for unducing labour but even then they might have to do the d&c also? why would they need to do both

r wee baby stopped growing at 12/13 weeks would we know the sex i would have loved to give it a name

can i ask if you dont mind how long you waited before you had the surgery.?

yes i think having a private cremation is a lovely idea. and yes i know your right about having other children too.

many thanks

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Northernlurker · 27/07/2010 18:40

No personal experience but very sorry to read your post This happened to friends of ours last year - they found out at 20 weeks. It's very, very shocking and sad.

Regarding the d&c - they would only need to do that if the uterus doesn't manage to clear all the products of conception (I'm sorry I can't think of a nicer phrase) If everything doesn't come away you would keep bleeding and be liable to infection. The hope would be though that this wouldn't be necessary but they're right to let you know it's a possibility. I think they should be able to tell you the sex - ask the midwives and be clear with them you want to know. They should get you very good pain relief for the induced labour as well - that may be something you want to discuss when you go in if it isn't mentioned (though I expect it will be)

Northernlurker · 27/07/2010 18:42

Oh and if for some reason they can't tell you the sex then you can still name your baby just using a name that works for both boys and girls. I think it's really important to be able to do that. Thinking of you and hope everything goes as well as it can.

IzzyWizzyletsgetbusy · 27/07/2010 19:09

I was told in Friday 9 July that the baby had died, and had the surgery on Tuesday 13 July. I suspect they would have tried to fit me in sooner but the weekend intervened. In the end though I found it quite helpful to have a few days to try to get my head around what was happening.

I was also told that an ERPC can sometimes be needed after a natural MC or medical management, depending on whether or not everything comes away properly. I'm afraid I don't know how likely this is though.

It said in one of the leaflets I was given that the hospital would not be able to tell the sex of the baby before 12 weeks, and that after that it becomes progressively easier. However the surgeon said that she would not be able to tell us, I suspect because we had surgery (sorry if TMI ). Our baby stopped growing at 14 weeks, so I do sometimes wonder if we would have known the sex had I had an induced labour. If this is likely to affect your decision, I would definitely ask first.

Having said that, we still chose a name, but it had to be unisex - although for some reason I always think of the baby as a boy (we chose Daryl, not a name we would have gone for usually as it doesn't go with our surname at all but it means "dearly loved" and the meaning seemed more important). The name was on our baby's coffin which DH carried at the service, and included in the wording of the service. Somehow it makes me feel better that our baby was acknowledged as a child in his own right, it seemed the one good thing we could do for him.

That was longer than I intended - sorry for rambling on, but I hope has answered some of your questions. I will be thinking of you over the next few days, I know it's a horrible time with some awful decisions to make x

lionmummy · 27/07/2010 20:18

Wonderif, you just wrote my post - I found out today that the baby hs stopped growing & I'm having my operation on Thursday. I have two lovely dcs but this is just devastating. Telling people is going to be the hardedt thing so any advice on this out there?

lionmummy · 27/07/2010 20:19

Oh, and I am also 17 (and 3) so most people know now. Also, forgot to say, am so sorry too for your loss.

IzzyWizzyletsgetbusy · 27/07/2010 20:47

Lionmummy - I am so sorry for your loss too, no one should have to go through this

Telling people is really hard - I'm afraid I can't advise too much on this as I delegated most of it to DH (family/mutual friends anyway). I texted my friends that knew, just kept it short and simple, saying that we had been sent for a scan and sadly the baby had died, please could they pass the news on to anyone else they had told (it wasn't a secret) as I didn't feel up to explaining it to everyone face to face. Everyone was very understanding and later we got some lovely messages and cards, which I have saved for the baby's memory box.

The hardest thing was telling the DCs who had been so excited about a little brother or sister - again DH did this. They are almost 7 and almost 4, so again he kept it simple and said that the baby had been very very poorly and hadn't been able to grow properly, that it had died and gone to heaven. They had loads of questions - initially DH told them not to be asking me things, but I said that they had to be able to ask me anything they wanted, shouldn't be worrying about it in silence. Actually I didn't mind talking to them about it as much as I had thought I would. I was just desperately sad that I hadn't been able to give them the brother or sister they wanted.

I'll think of you on Thursday, hope it goes OK x

wonderif · 27/07/2010 21:58

lionmummy, i am so sorry i hope u get through it .

izzywizzy my kids r also almost 7 and 4, thank you yes you have been great and so have helped with my questions so much.

i am phoning hospital in morning t 8.30 to see if they have a bed free by all accounts thats all i can do .

and i am sorry it must be hard for you going over everything, can i ask did the hospital chaplain come and speak to you or did you have to go to them.

we will have a lot of time i am sure to think about a service etc, and i think it would be a nice idea.

thanks again if you dont see a post tomorrow you will know i have gone in to hospital

lionmummy you will be in my thoughts on thursday xx

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IzzyWizzyletsgetbusy · 27/07/2010 22:55

wonderif - I asked to speak to the chaplain as soon as I went in, not sure if he would have come anyway or not. He came to see me straight away, we were given a private room to discuss things and he was very gentle and kind. For me it was important to speak to him before I went to theatre because I was so worried about what would happen to the baby afterwards. We discussed what we wanted and he dealt with all the paperwork, everything. There was no cost for the service (although I do intend to send in a small donation when I've got my head together a bit).

We did not involve the children in the service as I thought it would be too much for them (only you can judge with yours), it was just me and DH and the chaplain. That was what we wanted. It was lovely, I cried all the way through, but now am so glad we did it. It was very short but there were some beautiful poems and readings and I have kept a copy of the order of service for the memory box.

I hope this helps you a little - don't be afraid to ask all your questions and sort out any worries (re procedures or what happens after) before you go ahead with the surgery or induction. I will be thinking of you and hope it goes as quickly and as well as it can x

wonderif · 28/07/2010 08:57

well i couldnt find it in me to phone hospital this morning and didnt feel prepared enough, so tomorrow is another day.

i know time will make no difference to how i feel but i will maybe feel better if i can get a better sleep and be more organised.

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IzzyWizzyletsgetbusy · 28/07/2010 09:40

I'm sorry you've had a bad night, and can understand you not feeling prepared enough now. I'm surprised the hospital is expecting you to ring - I was given a time and date as soon as we'd decided what to do, it seems very unfair to put the onus on you to sort it out when obviously you were always unlikely to feel up to doing so (I would have been in no fit state to ring and ask the next morning)

If you just don't feel able to speak to them, could you get your partner or someone else to do so on your behalf, either tomorrow morning, or maybe ring later today to see if they can arrange something in advance so you are able to prepare yourself mentally?

Sending very un-MN hugs (())

wonderif · 28/07/2010 12:05

yes izzy i thought that was a bit strange too that i had to phone and i might get myself prepared and then they say we dont have a bed, its a bitof a joke.

i know i have to phone tomorrow because if i dont its likely to be monday as i cant imagine them admitting me on a friday with the weekend.

thanks again for your support x

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Cadmum · 28/07/2010 14:13

I a very sorry, woderif and lionmummy.

I have gone this route 4 times and I am more than happy to answer questions as they arise.

I have gone the medical route twice, had a d&c once and most recently required a C-Section so I have experienced nearly everything in the missed-miscarriage department.

wonderif I am also surprised that you were advised to ring the hospital and I fully understand why you did not feel up to the task today.

It took me several hours to summon the courage to go up to the hospital to speak with the consultant that was going to perform my operation and even once I was there, I insisted on going home for the evening and the night to be with my children. I couldn't see the sense in rushing since there were no obvious, outward signs of the mmc.

In the UK, I was assigned a bereavement mid-wife and I was asked if we wanted a visit from the hospital chaplain.

I have always found telling people to be the worst part. It is better to have the support and for those around you to know that you are grieving. In my experience very few people seems to know what to say and I start to cry whenever I am asked how I am doing. The first few weeks are the roughest. Trying to remember that family and friends mean well even if their words sound cruel and callous can be a real challenge.

Remember to take things slowly and ask lots of questions before accepting the appropriate kind of intervention for you. The doctors and midwives are there to help you and are usually happy to answer your questions as they arise.

Be kind to yourselves and feel free to ask questions on here. There are many of us that have been in similar positions. My heart goes out to you.

lionmummy · 28/07/2010 17:07

Thanks everyone; DH & I are obviously very sad today but are rationalising things & that it was just not meant to be but telling people has been awful - kind words are the worst!
Cadmum, my heart goes out to you to go thorugh this 4 times.

wonderif · 28/07/2010 17:58

cadmum thanks for your advice and am sorry i cant imagine the pain you have had to go throught this four times.

i am hoping tomorrow that they will give us a side room away from the hussle and bussle of the ward, the consultant in maternity did say they would do this so i hope so anyway.

i am off to get things sorted.

thinking of u lionmummy and your hubby x

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Cadmum · 29/07/2010 08:13

I should have mentioned that we do have four happy, healthy dcs. My first mmc was after my first two dcs so I didn't really even know that things could go wrong in the second trimester. I had a lot to learn.

There seem to be several women on mn with similar experiences so I have come to accept that we are not alone.

Time does start to heal your broken heart but I don't recommend trying to forget and just move on. You were far enough along in your pregnancies to be making plans, and sharing the news with friends and family. Take time for yourselves.

I am thinking of you both today.

wonderif · 29/07/2010 09:25

i phoned hosp at 8 they said they would get the sister to phone back, she didnt i phoned back at 8.45 told me there was no beds and said she will phone back at lunch time.

so i am in limbo she also said that it will be a 2 night stay in hospital as they give me 5 doses of pessaries over 24 hours.

i am so mad i know its not their fault there r no beds but for gods sake ! its like just hold on there .

i asked about the d & c and was advised they only do that if the placenta etc doesnt come away

any advice is there anything else i can do does anyone know how much it is privately

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Cadmum · 29/07/2010 09:56

wonderif I am so very sorry that you are not receiving more compassionate assistance.

I needed a d&c following my first medically managed miscarriage so it does happen occasionally but not in all cases. (I didn't need one the second time around.)

I think that the stay in hospital must vary by experience as well. The first time, I delivered so quickly following just one pessary that I didn't have a chance to require a second one. Two nights must be the maximum expected stay. I have only ever stayed one night if that helps...

I really hope that they ring you quickly with a definite plan.

I have no experience with private care. Sorry.

wonderif · 29/07/2010 11:30

thanks cadmum that is reasuring maybe i will be the same and only need the one dose, i do feel like i am getting crampy and low back pain so am hoping then that something will have started to happen, no bleeding etc sorry tmi

i really appreciate your help.

private isnt really an option as dont have the money but if i thought it wasnt to dear i would get it if they dont get back to me soon.

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Cadmum · 29/07/2010 16:26

There is no such thing as TMI on this section of MN. I really hope for you that things are already progressing because induction is not fun when your body and mind are not prepared.

I am so sorry that you are going through this and I feel quite angry on your behalf that the hospital is not more sorted out. It is hard enough to cope with the emotional and physical aspects of a missed miscarriage without adding the logistics of the hospital arrangements.

Do you have plans for your dcs? Will your dh be able to stay with you throughout the procedure. My dh was my my sanity during the second and subsequent losses. (He was overseas for our first.) I would have felt lost and misunderstood without his support.

lionmummy · 29/07/2010 20:25

Wonderif, I can't believe how traumatic this must be for you on top of everything else you're going through. I had the procedure today under general anaesthetic which I was very grateful for. The Consultant was great & organised an appointment for 17th August to see another consultant who would have analysed some of the results to see if they can see why this happened. I have nothing but praise for the hospital (St. Mary's in Paddington) who have been great from delivering the bad news to everything today. I actually feel much better now it's over but still have lots of people to untell & the sympathy and kind words, especially at work is what I'm dreading. Thank you all for your support over the last few days, it's been a real help. Wonderif, I'll be watching this thread as am hoping so much that this gets resolved for you very soon, the limbo must be awful

Cadmum · 30/07/2010 11:41

lionmummy, I am glad that your procedure went as well as possible and that your experience was a positive one. That must be an enormous relief. I wish you courage over the coming days as you untell people. Feel free to vent here.

wonderif: I am hoping that your day has gone well. Thinking of you.

wonderif · 30/07/2010 19:29

lionmummy i am glad ur procedure went well was thinking of you.

after speaking to my gp yesterday at 4.30 she got me a bed and i went to hospital at 6 they didnt start me to 10.30, but i will say the night staff i had were out of this world. i got 3 pessaries internally and then 3 three hours later orally, then another dose, unfortunately i could pass all of baby it got stuck, very traumatic.

very undignified and on the loo, staff got me back to bed contractions very strong and pain much same as labour, they then put me on drip as the placenta would not come away, pain got very severe so i got pethidine. after a lot of pushing and internals from a rough doctor i passed the placenta.

we were not given any other option than to go down this route no d &C offered unless i couldnt pass placenta.

we got shown baby ,and advised that he/she dies 5 weeks ago in womb how horific

now we have gave consent to get a post mordem, done however the doc has said that the babys bowel was outside the babys tummy so she said this could have caused it.

we should get the babys ashed in 2 weeks.

i am writing this very dazed and numb only got home a few hours ago.

i just wanted to share this experience and sorry if tmi wanted people to know the other sides to procedures.

lionmummy hope your feeling ok, i am sure if like me your in pain, people say it will get easier, but will take time.

take care


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wonderif · 30/07/2010 19:34

cadman thanks for your reply yes my hubby stayed with me the whole time his poor hand was near broke!!!

my mum had my girls and has taken them again tonite as need some rest so does hubby and they r better for a while with their nanny.

am glad its all over would hate to ever go thr again!

nite off to bed am very sore and exhausted

thanks for everyones helps and advice ,it prepared me for what would happen.

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