StillBirth at 31 Weeks Pregnant...

[BreakDancingBadger]

Hiya,

I discovered last sat that my baby daughter had died on Fri 9th... I was sent home from the hospital til Monday where i gave birth to her. I dont know why im starting this post really.... I just miss her so much and would give anything to give her a cuddle again... I feel so empty...

I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your darling Freya, I can't imagine how difficult it is for you. I will be thinking of you and your family. Take care and be kind to yourself xx

Please come and join us on the bereaved mummies thread as Lunatic said -

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/984543-the-safe-and-welcoming-support-thread-for-anyone-affected-by ?msgid=20568865

Freya Evie is a beautiful name.

I know exactly how your feeling breakdancing - 4 weeks today I gave birth to my sleeping and beautiful daughter, Anabelle Violet, I was 32 weeks. We have no reason why she became an angel, we didn't have a postmortom but are waiting on results from placenta, swap and blood tests.

I know its painful and raw, and 4 weeks down the line if anything I'm much worse, the closer I get to my due date the worse I'm getting, I miss my Belle so much. I literally ache to hold her.

But the thread is an amazing support and there are some lovely Mummies on there who listen, cry, rant with eachother. I'm sorry your SIL isn't being supportive, it astounds me the selfishness of some people when you're going through the worst experience of your life - I'm having FIL problems - all of which is on the other thread.

I echo what others have said also about the SANDS website, message boards etc - I'm finding a lot of support there too. I haven't been to an acutal support group yet, but I may well do soon.

Come and join us. Much love, Caz x x x

BDB I've been thinking about you all night and couldn't leave it this morning. Thursday would have been my daughter Freya's 5th birthday, but instead of a party and presents, I shall go and tend to her grave. I just wanted to let you know that there did come a time for me where I became grateful for the memories of her. It is so, so very hard and there are so many milestones to get through - milk coming in, the bleeding, the due date, e.t.c. I remember walking around completely numb for at least 6 months. My DS was amazing and not afraid to talk about Freya the way that adults were.
I have a little dress that I had already bought for her in my wardrobe and I kiss and cuddle it everyday just like I do with my other DCs.
Like you, my in-laws became beyond pathetic, I am still in complete disbelief at some of the cruel things they said. I have not and will not ever forgive them but accept that they are stupid people who I cannot rely on.
I look at her memory box often, less now but it is prominent and sits with the other childrens boxes, people will often ask who she is and I am happy to share my memories of my beautiful daughter.
I don't really remember her funeral, other than my DH literally holding me up throughout. I remember he carried her tiny coffin in and I placed a single white rose on it, there is nothing harder than that, but I was so grateful for his strength, knowing her Daddy was carrying her made me feel bette somehow. My mum then planted a white rose bush outside my living room window for me so I think of her often.
The one thing I do remember though was a very wise and wonderful friend said to me "You gave her the very best, she had her mother the whole time and you never gave up". It's true, Freya Evie may not be here now, but you are her mother and you never gave up.
I went on to have another daughter the following year and all around me was this air of 'Oh that's all done now, you've got your girl' but that couldn't be more wrong. I will always be a mum of three, it's just that I only get to hold 2 of them.
Have hope, stay as strong as you can and lean on whomever you need to. You will get through these next few months and I promise you, you will find joy again.
Much, much love to you and your family. XXX

So glad your family are around you and supporting you at this awful time, it must be so hard for all of you.
Hope the GP/MW can offer you some help to get through this.
Beautiful name by the way; RIP Freya Evie

Thank you so much everyone. I had the worse day ever yesterday but today has been so much better.

Fearnelinen your post made both me and my husband cry but a few hours after he came to me and said he would really like to be able to carry Freyas coffin in like ur husband. Thank you for that beautiful idea, i feel so much better knowing that daddy is gonna look after her on her special day.

Lunatic Fringe i hope you have people around you to look after you... Hope to speak to you soon when it isnt so raw... Much love to you and your family xxx

Glad you had a better day BDB, have you a date for Freya's funeral yet? You will have lots of people thinking about you on that difficult day.

Freya's funeral is Wed 28th. I know as it gets closer im gonna get more and more withdrawn as i just dont want to have to say goodbye to her.

That is my birthday BDB, I promise to think of her and will remember her each year now. You are not saying goodbye to her; yes to the life you wanted for her, but she will always be in your heart.
Hope the bereaved mums thread is helping you & they can give you some advice re how to get through the funeral

Thank you Jackstini xx

BDB, couldn't pass this by when I read your post.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Feel so for you, just couldn't click away without sending you my heartfelt sympathy.

I'm sorry to have made you cry - but sometimes those tears can be a relief?

As I remembered my Freya today, I thought of you a lot. I'm writing this through tears now. There are just no words to describe what a difficult thing it is to lose a child, my arms still yearn to hold her.

I hope you are managing to muddle through the days and are trying to take good care of yourself and your DH. He sounds like an absolute tower of strength. Seeing my DH be that strong for me bonded us forever, forget marriage certificates, nothing can bond you tighter than surviving this together. And if you can't hold it together when you say goodbye, having Daddy managing to is just amazing.

Lots and lots of love to you all.

BDB and Fearnelinen...This is the first time I've posted about this but I totally understand what you are saying. My beautiful boy William was born peacefully sleeping last month. I was 21 weeks pregnant. There is nothing worse I imagine I will ever have to go through than attending his funeral and holding his tiny coffin. God how I wish things had been so different. Not a minute of the day passes when I don't long to hold him again or rub my tummy and feel his life inside me.

His funeral was the most traumatic day of my life but afterwards I definitely felt more at peace with what happened. It doesn't take away any of the pain or sadness but a little peace was a massive relief for me and somehow I could accept his death a little more. He'll never be replaced, he's still my son and I'll love him till the day I die and finally get to meet him again.

We try to thank William for the good things he brought into our lives. DH and I have felt an enormously special sense of 'togetherness' since we lost our him. It wasn't missing from our relationship before but somehow this is something extra special that only William has given us.

I hate how time passes on and life continues. Only 7 weeks on and my pain still tears me apart but friends don't keep on calling or sending messages. Life moves on for other people but not for me and I hate that.

Love, thoughts and my sympathy to all of you. And thanks too for making me feel the need to get this out of my system. xxx

Fearnelinen please dont apologise, those tears where definately needed.

Knittingmum - Thank you for posting and telling me about William.

Im dreading Wednesday and seem to be running out of time that im trying desperately to claw back.
The funeral directors still dont have my daughter with them and we r still waiting for her casket to be delivered to them so i cant see her yet and im so worried i wont be able to say goodbye to her before funeral.

Im full of stupid questions that i cant get out of my head.
What do you ladies say when your asked how many children you have? I dont want to feel like im denying Freya but dont have to explain to everyone that asks.
I really want to try for another baby as i so desperately need to have another live baby. I wan to be able to breathe in that smeel and never have it taken away but what if this happens again?

I keep imagining Freya's kicks and still find myself stroking my non existant bump, even my tummy doesnt look like i gave birth 2 weeks ago... its as if my body is trying to forget she was ever there...

BreakDancingBadger, there are many mummies out there who found having a new baby as soon as possible (health considered) very teraputic and I'm sure there are people who have that experience. Of 'famous' people there's Annabel Karmel. You might like to read her story. I can only think that you will be supervised closely in your next pregnancy, although sadly a lot is still unknown about why some babies are stillborn. Get those medical 'answers' and talk them through with your GP.

Don't worry too much about everything practical that needs to fall into place. Mostly they come together and I am sure everyone (funeral directors etc) will be making an extra effort to make everything right for you and your family. As for what to say to people, I think if it was me I would include Freya to people you trust and like and just let other people assume. My grandmother said she had 8 children although only 7 survived early childhood. I also knew a girl who's twin sister died in childbirth, the girl always said she was a twin regardless. You'll find an answer to all those sort of questions that suit your family, it wont have anything to do with forgetting.

Have you been able to select a few special songs for Freya? I selected Ave Maria for my mothers funeral and although I couldn't bear hearing it for many years after the funeral now it means the world to me. I remember a different beautiful song which means a lot to me Sarah McLachlan ? In The Arms Of The Angels. I'm glad to hear that you have got lots of other memories to treasure too and that you are keeping a memory box. What time is the funeral on Wednesday? I will make sure I have space in my day to think of Freya and you.

Sorry i havent been on in a while.

We had the funeral on Wednesday and it was the best day we could have hoped for.
The funeral director that walked in front of the hearse was wonderful and kept bowing to Freya's basket and gave it a kiss. He told us at the end of the service that his wife had had a stillborn baby so he wanted to make the day as good as he possibly could.

We were able to see Freya the day before the funeral and it brought me such closure as she looked nothing like the baby i had given birth to, so i knew she was definately gone (if you know what i mean).

Thank you to everyone that has written on this thread, it has been such a comfort to read ur posts and know people care.
I still cant believe just how many people are wandering around with a broken heart from loosing a baby or child...

xxxxx

Glad the funeral went as well as it could have BDB. My dc wanted to go and feed the ducks and we had a quiet moment by the lake thinking of you, Freya and all your family.

I hope the future brings you support from your loved ones and some peace in whatever way you need it; if that means a new baby I wish you all the luck in the world.

Hi BDB, hope you are ok and that the funeral went as well as it could. It's been seven weeks today since my darling angel Malachy was born. I am crying less and feeling more positive about the future but as the due date (17tg August) approaches I feel increasingly anxious and as though I am waiting for something to happen. I'm glad your husband carried freya's coffin, my dh did the same for Malachy.

Anyway just wanted you to know people are here for you who have been through the same thing, I've found most rl people move on quickly xxx

oh hun..im so sorry ..i can just advise to do whatever you feel you need to ...scream n cry and whatever else YOUUUUUUU want to do ..and dont let anyone tell you whats a right or wrong way to act..talking with those like on here whoeve been through the same also helps.

day at a time..xx

Im so very sorry for the loss of your daughter freya

Ignore people who are not helping right now hunnie no matter who it is..
you have enough to deal with ..do what you have to do and what youuu want to do right now..this is a time no mother should go through and whateverr makes it a tiny bit easier you do and dont let anyone tell you its not right or you shouldnt be doing it.
i was told to get on with it and pull myself together or i was a drama queen ..and i actually belived it at the time..but now looking back i see they were all ..( insert word here)..and had no right to tell me ...a grieving mother how i should feel and nor should they you hun
day at a time..and as others have said ..keep talking about your lil one ..she exsisted and will always exsist in your heart..xxx

The pain is still so raw and new we lost Emily in April 07 I was 36 weeks pregnant and she was stillborn, I found that Sands forum helped me over the long hours and slowly I moved on. The grief is so intense at first and Freya will always be with you I dont thibk you ever get over a stillbirth but you survive. Sending so many Hugs

xx

Thank you all so much for your kind words and advice. Im feeling much more postive about things everyday... I still have bad days but i just let myself fall apart for that day then carry on with life the next day.

We have a meeting on Sep 2nd to find out the post mortem results and i cant wait to get it over with. Im not expecting many (if any) results.

The hardest thing i find is that life carries on as normal for everyone else and im just kind of stuck... I hate being alone in the day as it gives me too much time to think but i dont wanna keep bugging people to keep me company.

xxx

so very sorry x