Stepdaughter - School attendance.

[Lollylucyclark101]

I have been with my (now) husband for 10 years. I have a son 17, he has a daughter 12. She was roughly 2.5 years old when I met her dad. Her mother is lovely. We get on really well. Mom and Dad co-parent really well. We have her as much as possible and he pays his maintenance by bank transfer every month. We both work hard, have 1 car between us and he leaves at 4am (important for later)
We have a few concerns about school attendance and lateness. SD started high school last year and has had a lot of time off. SD does have a medical condition, which doesn't impact her now as she on the right diet, (Coeliacs) however she does have the occasional hospital appointment to see her consultant about every 6 months - so that's an understandable morning/afternoon absence from school.
lateness started almost immediately, meaning SD keeps getting detentions, and the absences started during the Winter when we had snow. Mom drives and didn't take her to school for 3 days out of the week. When asked she stated "I don't like driving in the snow and it was too cold to get the babies (1 year old and a 4 year old younger siblings) out to take her to school".
SD lives within a 20 minute walk to school and could have taken herself, but mom doesn't want her walking alone (we have FindMyIphone) and she has a phone.
Mom has then taken her out for 2 term time holidays since, and last week she never went in because she was "ill". I messaged SD to ask how she was feeling and she said "I burped and felt a bit sick, but feel much better now", but when I called to speak to mom, mom said "she had a temperature/shivers and a fever and spend the day in bed" - but said nothing about her vomiting/feeling sick.
SD had a hospital appointment yesterday at 11am and you would have thought that she would have been in school for 8:30 when it starts until about 10am..... but no. Mom just didn't bother to send her in, and then didn't take her back to school afterwards at 12:30-3:05pm.... so that's another whole day she has had off.
When dad speaks to mom, mom says things like "well I have 3 kids to take care of, its not that easy" or "she's not walking by herself" or "what's the point in taking her in if she's only there for a couple of hours". She always blames the lateness on the smaller children.

Now, last year we had 2 cars and COULD/DID take her to school if mom was unable/didn't want to, but after a crash where the car was written off we now only have one, and we live too far to walk to moms and then walk to school, so we cannot take her to school any more. If her appointments are after 2pm, dad picks her up and takes her to her appointments and he picks her up from school and takes her home to mom - so he is doing as much as he can. He changed his working hours to accommodate the after school pick ups at moms request.

SD told us that if her absences continue, mom will get a fine. Her attendance currently is at 91%, which to me is abysmal! We are worried that we will also get a fine - despite none of the absences having anything to do with us. Every time SD is off, we ask mom why and actively encourage her to take her in or allow her to walk to school. We understand that she has 2 other children and it can be hard getting small children ready in a morning.
Ideally, we would like SD to come to us during the week so we can ensure that she gets to school regularly and on time, but without a 2nd car (which we cannot afford to buy!) that's a no go!
How can we get past this with mom? how can we make sure that SD is going to school or getting there on time and we don't get a fine!

We have a FABULOUS relationship with mom, so need to tread carefully.

no hate please, just genuine advise.

There’s nothing wrong with step parents being involved their step children’s lives I agree with you there. But you only seem to want to look at what the mother can change, not what you can change, to help the situation.

I can't fathom how her attendance is so high!
You've detailed 3 days too cold, a whole week off sick plus 2 term time holidays.
So that's 8 definite days plus the 2 holidays.
There's only been 20 weeks of school so far this school year. So that's 100 days. The 8 alone is 92%.
How haven't the 2 term time holidays you detailed taken it way under 90%?

Because there’s physically nothing we can change lol.

we both work, mom doesn’t. So she has a lot more time to be able to take her to school. We can’t at the moment as we don’t have a second car!

They are long weekends. Not a week.

But even assuming you have every single non-school night all year, that's still less than 50% of nights.

No, a week of “sickness”, 2 long weekends, 3/4 days in the snow and a few other instances. The appointments she could go in and get her mark but mom doesn’t send her. So an 11am appointment becomes a whole day thing. We have taken her to a few in the afternoon when mom’s been unable to.

The problem is a 12 year old not being allowed to walk twenty minutes to school.

That is damaging for a child's confidence to not be granted the freedom to do what every other 12 yr old is allowed.

So I would work on that.

Round my way, which is 3 Km to the secondary, and all children from my village do walk it, it's just the done thing - anyway, for the ones that were scared/not ready for year 7, during the summer before there was loads of 'practise' going on! Walking with parents all the different routes possible. Then with friends.

🤣 you’re making out like it’s black and white lol, it’s not at all.

We have her half the time.

They are long weekends. Not a week.

Ok. So 2 days each. 4 more days?

So that's 12 days out of 100. That's 88%.

I'm just doing the maths op because I'm worried for you that it's actually lower than you think, perhaps because they haven't added the latest.

Plus the appointments - I missed that. Op- I think it's way lower than 91%

Sounds like everyone has got an excuse why they can’t take the girl to school. Granted yours and dh’s are better excuses than the mothers but they are still excuses. Can your dh change his work pattern so he does drop offs instead of pick ups? The mothers excuse of cold and snow would be less of an issue then.

If she stays every single Fri and Sat night term time that's 78 nights vs the 195 nights at mums term time.

She would then have to stay at yours every single night on all 13 weeks of school leave, to bring the total nights at yours up to a max 169 nights at dads - still under half.

So it's not possible she stays at her dad's 50% of the nights.

You literally DO NOT have her half the time according to the CMS definition - you've said yourself you never have her on a school night/morning, which rules out over half the year. You might have her nearly half the time if you have her lots of school holidays, but it's not a 50:50 arrangement so don't act like you're doing mum a big favour by your DP paying CM - it's the law that you have to, it's not a courtesy as you described it.

OP you aren’t able to offer any solutions due to your DH’s work, too far to walk, no buses, no second car. The only thing your DH can do is consistently encourage SD and her mum to allow walking.

I’m not sure what else you think can be done.

Yes we do. It’s worked out between ourselves. I never said we had NEVER HAD HER DURING THE WEEK!

we had 2 cars before and HAD HER HALF THE TIME! 🤣🤣 it’s only been since August, does the other 9/10 years not count?

When we get another car, things will return to normal and we will pick up the slack when mum isn’t able too. You’re so rude and you have no idea what you’re talking about. I asked for advice not to be abused by the likes of you who dont understand our individual circumstances or how our family runs between 2 homes.

By CMS calculation we have her half the time and DONT have to pay CM, but DO VOLUNTARILY!

Thanks for your “nasty comment”

From 2016- August 2024

week 1 Monday pm to Sunday pm
week 3 Monday pm to Sunday pm

Alternate holidays and 3 of the 6 weeks holidays. Half of Christmas, alternate birthdays.

think you’ll find that’s HALF!

She lives with her mom and leaves for school from her house

This is what you said earlier.

So what happens on half the school days when she sleeps at her dad's?

Honestly OP I don't think there is a lot you can do. I mean possibly there would be milage is going back to court and arguing that mum refuses to plan to get the kid to school, so she needs to be at yours Sunday to Friday in term-time, because you can get her to school. Otherwise there really shouldn't be pressure on you to work out how to do it on Mum's time. I think the only other hope is that mum starts racking up big fines and starts sending her as a result.

Two things occur to me as possibilities: the mum needs help for her anxiety and/or she is using the 12 year old as a kind of mother's help.

It would be interesting for dad to have a talk with the DSL at school (designated safeguarding lead). The year head will know who that is.

I think finding another student for her to walk with is a good idea. My school does 'safer travel training' for selected year 7s (is she year 7?)

That was 6 months ago and is totally irrelevant for how much CM your husband is paying now.

Perhaps you should focus on sorting your car situation rather than telling strangers on the internet off for making "nasty comments" - which btw were entirely factual and based exclusively on information you had supplied.

I think it's hard for you to say much when you haven't got the means to get her to school either.

If it's that important to you you would find the money for a second car.

Good luck with this. My step daughters attendance was languishing in the 70%, mom had all manner of social services input/parenting help and made no difference in the long term. Excessive daily drinking wasn't helping the matter and when ss rang she said everything was fine and when the school came round knocking the door they all hid behind the curtains.

OP can't get her to school though.

The only barrier to the SD getting herself to school is the negligent mother who doesn't value education. If SD was living with her dad she could easily get herself to school like the vast majority of other y7+ pupils.