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Original poster

Stepdaughter - School attendance.

77 replies

Lollylucyclark101 · 12/02/2025 11:47

I have been with my (now) husband for 10 years. I have a son 17, he has a daughter 12. She was roughly 2.5 years old when I met her dad. Her mother is lovely. We get on really well. Mom and Dad co-parent really well. We have her as much as possible and he pays his maintenance by bank transfer every month. We both work hard, have 1 car between us and he leaves at 4am (important for later)
We have a few concerns about school attendance and lateness. SD started high school last year and has had a lot of time off. SD does have a medical condition, which doesn't impact her now as she on the right diet, (Coeliacs) however she does have the occasional hospital appointment to see her consultant about every 6 months - so that's an understandable morning/afternoon absence from school.
lateness started almost immediately, meaning SD keeps getting detentions, and the absences started during the Winter when we had snow. Mom drives and didn't take her to school for 3 days out of the week. When asked she stated "I don't like driving in the snow and it was too cold to get the babies (1 year old and a 4 year old younger siblings) out to take her to school".
SD lives within a 20 minute walk to school and could have taken herself, but mom doesn't want her walking alone (we have FindMyIphone) and she has a phone.
Mom has then taken her out for 2 term time holidays since, and last week she never went in because she was "ill". I messaged SD to ask how she was feeling and she said "I burped and felt a bit sick, but feel much better now", but when I called to speak to mom, mom said "she had a temperature/shivers and a fever and spend the day in bed" - but said nothing about her vomiting/feeling sick.
SD had a hospital appointment yesterday at 11am and you would have thought that she would have been in school for 8:30 when it starts until about 10am..... but no. Mom just didn't bother to send her in, and then didn't take her back to school afterwards at 12:30-3:05pm.... so that's another whole day she has had off.
When dad speaks to mom, mom says things like "well I have 3 kids to take care of, its not that easy" or "she's not walking by herself" or "what's the point in taking her in if she's only there for a couple of hours". She always blames the lateness on the smaller children.

Now, last year we had 2 cars and COULD/DID take her to school if mom was unable/didn't want to, but after a crash where the car was written off we now only have one, and we live too far to walk to moms and then walk to school, so we cannot take her to school any more. If her appointments are after 2pm, dad picks her up and takes her to her appointments and he picks her up from school and takes her home to mom - so he is doing as much as he can. He changed his working hours to accommodate the after school pick ups at moms request.

SD told us that if her absences continue, mom will get a fine. Her attendance currently is at 91%, which to me is abysmal! We are worried that we will also get a fine - despite none of the absences having anything to do with us. Every time SD is off, we ask mom why and actively encourage her to take her in or allow her to walk to school. We understand that she has 2 other children and it can be hard getting small children ready in a morning.
Ideally, we would like SD to come to us during the week so we can ensure that she gets to school regularly and on time, but without a 2nd car (which we cannot afford to buy!) that's a no go!
How can we get past this with mom? how can we make sure that SD is going to school or getting there on time and we don't get a fine!

We have a FABULOUS relationship with mom, so need to tread carefully.

no hate please, just genuine advise.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lollylucyclark101 · 13/02/2025 12:49

JimHalpertsWife · 13/02/2025 12:46

At 4am every day?

Show quote history

Yes it’s 4am Monday to Friday. 25 miles away. So. It would be 100 miles a day for me to drive. I also work so can’t pick him up when he finishes at 2pm.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lollylucyclark101 · 13/02/2025 12:52

Octavia64 · 13/02/2025 12:28

Sounds like the problem is that mum is not ok with walking.

Possible options:

Bike
Bus (safer?)

Then looking at walking:

Getting the child to do some self defence lessons might help mum's anxiety

Are there friends who walk that way? For my local secondary there are floods of kids going to school

Has she been bullied in the past and that is why mum is reluctant? Walk to school can be easy for bullies to use - not at school and not at home.

No, she’s had no issues at all at school. Personally, I think mom is a little paranoid because she’s a girl, but we feel a 20 minute walk would be good for her. We have find my iPhone so can track her.

OP posts:
dammit88 · 13/02/2025 12:52

But it's not every day is it? its on the very odd occasion her mum has a problem? If she's got 91% attendance including her hospital visits it can only be a couple of times a year?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

2 year olds 4 year olds Families General education
JimHalpertsWife · 13/02/2025 12:54

dammit88 · 13/02/2025 12:52

But it's not every day is it? its on the very odd occasion her mum has a problem? If she's got 91% attendance including her hospital visits it can only be a couple of times a year?

And how is the OP and her DH going to know when that could occur? Surely it'll be the morning she's due to go to school, by which point he has already taken the car to work.

The dad already collects her daily and does hospital journeys too.

dammit88 · 13/02/2025 12:55

Well it seems the options are either the OP / father help out on days there are a problem, or they don't and the problem remains.

JimHalpertsWife · 13/02/2025 12:56

dammit88 · 13/02/2025 12:55

Well it seems the options are either the OP / father help out on days there are a problem, or they don't and the problem remains.

The OP driving her dh to work every single day at 4am isn't the solution though? Is it?

dammit88 · 13/02/2025 12:59

JimHalpertsWife · 13/02/2025 12:56

The OP driving her dh to work every single day at 4am isn't the solution though? Is it?

Show quote history

It's NOT everyday. She has 91% attendance. It's occassionally when the mum isn't able, (or in op words 'doesn't want to') take her.

Namerequired · 13/02/2025 12:59

If you have 50/50 care how do you get her to school when she’s with you?
I know you don’t want to cause issues with mum but her dad needs to have serious words and tell her it’s not on. If she insists on driving her then she needs to do it regardless and on time. Otherwise she can walk.
Have the school had an input in regards to her attendance? What excuse did she give for the holidays? Don’t agree to any more term time holidays unless her attendance is 100% outside of that.

Original poster
Lollylucyclark101 · 13/02/2025 12:59

LemonDrizzlecake12 · 13/02/2025 12:44

I’ve got some sympathy for the mum here. Sounds like she is struggling with the logistics on days where something is out of the ordinary like bad weather or hospital appointments and that’s part of the issue. It’s hard juggling everything in those scenarios particularly when you have very young kids to also consider (her 2 and 4 year old). It’s basically all on her if your husband can’t help out so it feels a bit harsh criticising her when your husband also isn’t ensuring she gets to school. He could ask his employer for time off or flexibility in urgent situations like this.

Mom has a car and can get just take the younger 2 to nursery and let 12 year old walk.

I can’t see how him leaving for work at 4am, driving 25 miles for 5am, leaving at 7am to be back for 8am, then drive back to work again for 9am is going to be acceptable for any employer, not to mention 100 mile a day in petrol!

He did a Flexible working request to accommodate mom’s request of him doing the school pick up, so he can’t request anything else from his employer.

I haven’t criticised her at all, I know she thinks she’s doing her best.

she just needs to let 12 years old walk to school.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lollylucyclark101 · 13/02/2025 13:00

dammit88 · 13/02/2025 12:59

It's NOT everyday. She has 91% attendance. It's occassionally when the mum isn't able, (or in op words 'doesn't want to') take her.

Show quote history

It’s not feasible as he works 25 miles away.

OP posts:
JimHalpertsWife · 13/02/2025 13:00

dammit88 · 13/02/2025 12:59

It's NOT everyday. She has 91% attendance. It's occassionally when the mum isn't able, (or in op words 'doesn't want to') take her.

Show quote history

Yes but the mum decides that on the morning she's due at school- at this point the dh has already driven the car to work.

Ffs.

Original poster
Lollylucyclark101 · 13/02/2025 13:01

Namerequired · 13/02/2025 12:59

If you have 50/50 care how do you get her to school when she’s with you?
I know you don’t want to cause issues with mum but her dad needs to have serious words and tell her it’s not on. If she insists on driving her then she needs to do it regardless and on time. Otherwise she can walk.
Have the school had an input in regards to her attendance? What excuse did she give for the holidays? Don’t agree to any more term time holidays unless her attendance is 100% outside of that.

The night work out to be roughly 50/50 due to the amount of times we have her during the year. She lives with her mom and leaves for school from her house.

OP posts:
JimHalpertsWife · 13/02/2025 13:01

Why is any CMS payable then, if she's with you both 50%?

Original poster
Lollylucyclark101 · 13/02/2025 13:02

JimHalpertsWife · 13/02/2025 13:00

Yes but the mum decides that on the morning she's due at school- at this point the dh has already driven the car to work.

Ffs.

Show quote history

I used to take her when mom couldn’t but my husband now uses my car to get to/from work and yeah we don’t know that she late or hasn’t gone until we speak to her later in the day.

OP posts:
helibirdcomp · 13/02/2025 13:02

Can you chat with DSD to find if she has any friends nearby she could walk with. Or a friend's parent who drives and would be prepared to swing by and pick her up for contribution to fuel? I'm sure DSD is quite happy to miss school as she won't understand long term consequences but slanting the conversation towards her being treated like a child/ being more independent (not sure how to phrase this but most teenagers want to be treated more as an adult.)

Original poster
Lollylucyclark101 · 13/02/2025 13:03

JimHalpertsWife · 13/02/2025 13:01

Why is any CMS payable then, if she's with you both 50%?

It’s voluntary.

OP posts:
Namerequired · 13/02/2025 13:04

dammit88 · 13/02/2025 12:52

But it's not every day is it? its on the very odd occasion her mum has a problem? If she's got 91% attendance including her hospital visits it can only be a couple of times a year?

90% attendance is a half day a week or a day every 2 weeks off. That’s considered low attendance

JimHalpertsWife · 13/02/2025 13:04

So he could stop paying it to the mum, give DD an allowance to spend on taxis if and when mum is refusing to drive her to school then.

SapphireOpal · 13/02/2025 13:07

Sorry but it just can't be 50:50 if you NEVER have her on a school morning. She's at school more than half the year. And do you have every night in school holidays and weekends? I doubt it.

Craftysue · 13/02/2025 13:08

20 minutes shouldn't be a problem. Is it an isolated area or will she be on normal roads? Does she have any friends that she can walk with? Could she text her mum when she gets to school to let her know she's arrived? I think her mum needs to let her walk but I appreciate it's difficult for you and dad to insist

FumingTRex · 13/02/2025 13:14

I suggest you need to work on her walking to school but by cooperating with the mum. It makes sense to start that when the weather is better, say April. Find a friend for her to walk with. Maybe offer to walk with her the first time .

Slobberchops1 · 13/02/2025 13:14

You say you can’t understand why she doesn’t do the 20 minute walk to school then in another post you are saying …. Oh no it’s a 20 minute walk for me to get a bus .

anyway it’s nowt to do with you . It’s between this girls mother and father - her parents

Original poster
Lollylucyclark101 · 13/02/2025 13:18

SapphireOpal · 13/02/2025 13:07

Sorry but it just can't be 50:50 if you NEVER have her on a school morning. She's at school more than half the year. And do you have every night in school holidays and weekends? I doubt it.

Yes we do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lollylucyclark101 · 13/02/2025 13:20

Slobberchops1 · 13/02/2025 13:14

You say you can’t understand why she doesn’t do the 20 minute walk to school then in another post you are saying …. Oh no it’s a 20 minute walk for me to get a bus .

anyway it’s nowt to do with you . It’s between this girls mother and father - her parents

I will forever disagree with people who think stepparents shouldn’t have an input into children THEY HAVE PARENTED for a significant amount of their life.
It’s amazing how STEPDADS are seen as “stepping up” and “is more of a dad than his biological parent” and “he’s the one that’s doing all the parenting for my child”…….. but yet Stepmoms WHO DO THE EXACT SAME THING!, are seen as “the villain”, “evil” “nosey for raising concerns”.
We and I STRESS WE, (because dad has concerns too!) concerns about a child who, for 50% of her life LIVES WITH US.

Mom won’t let her walk 20 mins to school. I’m happy to walk the 20 mins to the bus stop….. but it GOES IN THE OTHER DIRECTION. So would tell her longer to get to school.

we will take the advise of sensible parents from this thread and Dad will have a more formal conversation with mom about this issue.

OP posts:
SapphireOpal · 13/02/2025 13:22

Lollylucyclark101 · 13/02/2025 13:18

Yes we do.

Show quote history

Even if you do (so what, you're telling me she doesn't see her mum at all over Christmas?!), you have her about 165 nights a year compared to her mum having about 200. That's not 50:50. DWP define "half the time" for CMS purposes as 175 to 182 nights a year.