Travelling feels unmanageable now

[CoverIt]

Not sure exactly where to put this because it’s a combo of age, menopause and neurodiversity!

Does this resonate with anyone?

I used to love travelling on my own - going on short trips to European cities to see a band, meeting friends there, running on adrenaline and impulse 🤣

I did it loads in my 40s but now in my late 50s I’m really really struggling.

I don’t go on holiday or travel often now, for money reasons, and I still work full time, commute, go out in the world etc.

But these days any kind of travel is so extremely stressful - I’m constantly losing things, bringing the wrong things, forgetting vital items, getting lost, missing my stop or getting on the wrong train in foreign cities despite careful prep 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ Even the packing is stressful, trying to decide what to bring and getting over the dread and inertia.

I then spend loads of time and money buying the essential things I forgot or getting back to where I should have been. More than once I have managed to go to the wrong hotel altogether 🤦🏻‍♀️

Not only that but so many things are now unbearable - noise, discomfort etc. On a recent trip I was sweating like mad from the moment I left the house - kept having to change clothes etc. Ended up buying more clothes 🤦🏻‍♀️

All of this is exhausting and drains the joy out of it - I got home feeling as though I need a personal assistant with me from now on, to make sure I have the right things, going the right way etc 🤣 A companion, they would have called it in the old days!

Does neurodiversity (ADHD, Dyspraxia diagnosed and probable ASD) just get worse and worse after menopause? I do take ADHD medication which must be helping but clearly not enough.

I don’t want that to be my life now - but what’s the alternative? I can’t afford an actual PA or to take taxis or travel first class everywhere, so it’s trains, cheap flights and metros/buses etc which is totally fine except that evidently I am a liability!

Does this resonate with anyone?

I miss those days where I seemed to be able to pack the right things in a tiny bag and always feel and look good - apart from the crippling social anxiety - and didn’t need a sack load of things just in case.

A couple of years ago I was sitting at an airport opposite a really nice woman of a similar age, also travelling alone, and we were both faffing about with our bags, looking for things, moving stuff around etc, caught each others’ eye and had a great sympathetic but funny chat about all the faffing 🤣 I like to think she was a mumsnetter!

Just to add - even normal holidays are stressful, not just the quick trips away on my own.

Little bump

Yes, it does. There's a really good book about it (who's name I can't remember), author is Sari Solden but a quick google suggests a few.

Think of it like menopause x adhd....

However, don't stop doing the things. Try to get some systems in place (easier said than done) like checklists.

And only do ONE thing in a trip...

Try to simplify things.

Ah thanks, I’ll have a look for the book!

And yes, have started working on a permanent type of check list that I can adapt for all trips.

It'll get easier again as you adapt. I'm 70 and travel solo every couple of months or so. I'm back to fairly confident, but at least in part because I don't demand too much of myself.

One tip - I have a permanent holiday/trip checklist on my laptop. Before every trip I highlight everything in red, then back to black as each thing is packed or decided not needed for that trip. I never forget anything and if a new item becomes useful it's added to the list. Totally got this down to an art now. Smuggy McSmugface! 😂

I’m ND and sixty. I still absolutely love my solo travel so I can’t relate to this at all.

I hope you get your mojo back soon.

Totally identify with this. I turned into a complete faffer, utterly dependent on my late teen DCs to work out which tram/bus/train to get and in a constant panic about where vital items were. I have belatedly realised I also have ADHD and the menopause just stripped me of my coping / masking strategies.

I am 65 now and feel in a much better place. I still faff far more than I used to, but what has helped hugely is laughing at myself and being a bit forgiving. I hate freaking Googlemaps with a passion but my eyesight is too shit to read an A-Z. So I just accept I need to build in going wrong time while I work out which direction the stupid blue dot is going. Packs of wipes for the sweaty flushes and the actually quite comforting realisation that you’ve reached the invisible stage also helped hugely.

I hope you regain your travel mojo.

@CoverIt Have you considered HRT for some symptoms, like brain fog?

@TemporarilyCantDoMyself This is my plan! I have to accept that I can’t just wing it like before. Be as smug as you like, it clearly works 😊

@Catcatcatcatcat Honestly I’m really glad for you, I wouldn’t wish this feeling on anyone.

Acceptance of the "going wrong" helps too, it calms your cortisol reaction.

I have random strangers offer help all the time now. 😆

@partystress I have to laugh at myself too or else I’d be crying a lot 🤣🤣
Thank you for the recognition - totally get the building in extra time for getting lost! Even though it’s so frustrating 😢

And what IS with all the sweating? It’s not hot flushes, I try to dress in natural fibres where I can, but I realised that many places still have heating turned up even at this time of year - especially the airport. Plus I take antidepressants that can make you intolerant to heat, so I suppose I’m answering my own question!

Thank you yes, that side of things is all sorted. Something about travelling triggers a specific set of symptoms.

Haha it’s so true! It holds the anxiety at bay.
And yes, I’ve spoken to many more random people due to needing to ask for help. Usually they’re really lovely 😊

I had these issues long before peri hit unfortunately, got my days mixed up and missed my long haul flight completely once. My executive function is pretty shit, not diagnosed myself but have a lot of relatives with different ND conditions so have my suspicions.
What about going back to some of your favourite places so everything is familiar and the overwhelm is likely to be less? When i was younger i never went back to places but as I've got older it appeals more.

You'll get there! I'm on a trip to London right NOW! And I'm 71 in a few days...

I found that when I was on antidepressants they really affected my cognitive abilities and I was forever getting confused/foggy and losing things, as well as sweating constantly - night time being the worst.

If it helps OP, DH and I are early-mid 30s and we also find it extremely stressful. We put a lot of effort into easing the path for ourselves which is exhausting in and of itself.

We have a wedding to go to in London at the weekend, a place we both find horrific because of the crowds and all the people rushing around. We aren’t used to train travel as we live semi rurally and drive everywhere. I have had to put a lot of thought into how we can make it as least stressful as possible which has included booking an early check in at the premier inn (from11am) so that we can both have a rest before heading out again for the wedding itself.

When we fly, I have to book terminal parking, fast track everything and a lounge if possible to guarantee a seat. When we go away we have to think carefully about the accommodation so it meets our need for quiet and privacy. Everything ends up costing a lot more money, I call it my glitch tax.

I'm almost 60 and many years post-menopause now. The brain fog, extreme fatigue/anxiety and inertia I had for a very long time have pretty much gone. What remains are the preferences and perhaps limitations which are down to physical age (less stamina) and also to having ADHD and possibly autism.

When travelling I didn't have diffculties with losing/forgetting things etc, but I did have extreme anxiety as a trip got closer, though I was okay once actually away. I've said on other threads that I approached an upcoming holiday as if I was facing a firing squad. That was the case before menopause too, but has now decreased significantly.

Practically speaking, like PP I also have an all-purpose checklist for packing, as well as one of what I have to check in each room before leaving home (eg ensure lights are off, lock windows etc), as that was a major cause of stress. On that I'm strict with myself: once something has been crossed off the list, I don't allow myself to check it again. It sounds daft but it helps me actually get out of the flat to start the holiday! The only things I double-check are essentials like passport, money and so on.

@TreesAtSea I need to adopt your check every room list. Just back from four days away to find I’d left the bathroom lights AND extractor fan on 😩

Oh no😱 I guess at least you weren't away longer and didn't realise while you were gone that they'd been left on. That would've been worse.

If it makes you feel better, I had to get a checklist for going to bed once I started having to take loads of meds (not adhd, that would probably mean I wouldn't need the poxy list!)

So many helpful replies, thank you all. Really helps to know I’m not alone but kind of sad too 😢

I did need a daily checklist for going back to the office after Covid lockdowns, that was a weird time!

@TreesAtSea I feel the dread too - I book these trips so joyfully and enthusiastically and when it’s 2 days before I can’t remember why I wanted to go 🤣 That only seems to be getting worse!
And I’m the same age as you, sadly the brain fog etc are showing no signs of lifting.

It’s so frustrating because it feels like I’m a different person now - yet I feel the same inside, I’m still 16 and excited about seeing my favourite band 😢

@TalkingtomyhouseplantsIm glad that you and your DH have a solid plan that works for both of you - that’s real team work!

I have to say it might all be a lot easier if I wasn’t working full time - but then there would be no trips anyway because I couldn’t afford them 🤣🤣

Oh and I do have a big trip coming up, long haul, special family event so there’s no way of getting out of it - it is pure anxiety for me. Can’t imagine that any of it will be enjoyable at this point but of course it will. Check lists will be deployed. Calmness will be deployed.
Asking for help will definitely be deployed 🤣

@facethemusical Going back to familiar places does have its appeal, I agree. I have never missed a flight - poor you - but I have turned up with the wrong passport before 🤦🏻‍♀️