Travelling feels unmanageable now

[CoverIt]

Not sure exactly where to put this because it’s a combo of age, menopause and neurodiversity!

Does this resonate with anyone?

I used to love travelling on my own - going on short trips to European cities to see a band, meeting friends there, running on adrenaline and impulse 🤣

I did it loads in my 40s but now in my late 50s I’m really really struggling.

I don’t go on holiday or travel often now, for money reasons, and I still work full time, commute, go out in the world etc.

But these days any kind of travel is so extremely stressful - I’m constantly losing things, bringing the wrong things, forgetting vital items, getting lost, missing my stop or getting on the wrong train in foreign cities despite careful prep 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ Even the packing is stressful, trying to decide what to bring and getting over the dread and inertia.

I then spend loads of time and money buying the essential things I forgot or getting back to where I should have been. More than once I have managed to go to the wrong hotel altogether 🤦🏻‍♀️

Not only that but so many things are now unbearable - noise, discomfort etc. On a recent trip I was sweating like mad from the moment I left the house - kept having to change clothes etc. Ended up buying more clothes 🤦🏻‍♀️

All of this is exhausting and drains the joy out of it - I got home feeling as though I need a personal assistant with me from now on, to make sure I have the right things, going the right way etc 🤣 A companion, they would have called it in the old days!

Does neurodiversity (ADHD, Dyspraxia diagnosed and probable ASD) just get worse and worse after menopause? I do take ADHD medication which must be helping but clearly not enough.

I don’t want that to be my life now - but what’s the alternative? I can’t afford an actual PA or to take taxis or travel first class everywhere, so it’s trains, cheap flights and metros/buses etc which is totally fine except that evidently I am a liability!

Does this resonate with anyone?

I miss those days where I seemed to be able to pack the right things in a tiny bag and always feel and look good - apart from the crippling social anxiety - and didn’t need a sack load of things just in case.

A couple of years ago I was sitting at an airport opposite a really nice woman of a similar age, also travelling alone, and we were both faffing about with our bags, looking for things, moving stuff around etc, caught each others’ eye and had a great sympathetic but funny chat about all the faffing 🤣 I like to think she was a mumsnetter!

Hi, I empathise with you and others. I am post menopausal now, I am not ND but I am totally disorganised when it comes to travel. Well I WAS.... until I realised that all I needed was money/debit/credit card, passport, tickets, phone and charger, and essential medication. Everything after that was a matter of clothes for the weather expected.

We can spend hours dithering over things, and when we get there realise we have overpacked completely, and forgotten things we should have brought!

I love the checklist. I keep it on notes on my phone and in paper form too. That way I don't forget anything essential.

I can give you a tip if you think it might help. I have a drawer in the spare room (you could use a box) where I have my checklist, passport, spare chargers, plug adaptors, various bits and bobs of travel size cosmetics and toiletries (I decant the big bottles), fold up backpack, fold up tote bag, and so on. Then when I'm going anywhere I just go to the drawer and everything is there ready for packing apart from clothes.

I'm generally organised, but since menopause my life has become a bit tangled! I have to have strategies, and this one works for me as far as travel is concerned anyway!

Oh and something else you might think about. I had a bad back once and as I was travelling alone a friend told me to book assistance for the airport. I did, and honestly they took me under their wing from the minute I arrived until I was on the plane, and I was met at the destination also. No questions asked, no proof of anything needed, just reserve it when booking airline tickets. I was fast tracked through security, passport control, check in for bags, and transported all the way down to the gate. It was fantastic! Just mentioning it as something you might use for the big family trip.

Yes. I have a checklist on my phone and (because I hate faff), different checklists for sorts of trip - so one for a caravan or city break. If I go on a trip and realise it would have been good to have something I put it on there. I literally tick through it every time.

Also I just don’t like nonstop stuff on holiday anymore. My kids are still with us (9 and 13) so we do some high energy things but I try to balance it with lower key days - or have an extra day off when we get back to get reorganised.

I'm actually thinking of doing some epic ultra-type trip, just to get over taking too much, etc. 😄

Yeah mainly my body is just unpredictable, if I’m not knackered it’s a migraine if it’s not a migraine it’s irritation. Fed up!!

@CoverIt That must be very frustrating for you, especially as it used to be different for you. Though I think you're doing incredibly well if it's only close to a holiday that the dread kicks in. For me, there's a sweet spot which only lasts a few days after I've booked, then the anxiety starts to hover at the back of my mind. Nothing like it used to, mind.

My travel "career" has certainly not been what most people would see as "normal". For decades I honestly went nowhere further than a 20 mile bus ride from home and I haven't been on a plane for 40 years. Just the thought of anything more would case extreme anxiety, particularly as I had no-one to go with (which is still the case). It was as if travel was something only other people did, even though I could have afforded holidays. To be honest, I didn't really mind either.

Then around my mid-30s I had a couple of breaks away in the UK and from mid-40s on first some day trips by coach across the Channel, followed by longer stays in similar places. Which I still do about once every year.

That's mainly what I was referring to when I mentioned preferences and limitations. I get very easily overwhelmed by the kind of travel many people do (long haul, different country every time etc), though of course there are many new places I'd like to visit. I now trust my instincts more, so that if something causes me a lot of stress just thinking about it, then maybe it isn't for me. Comparing myself to other people's "normal" is fatal. Of course sometimes it's good to push myself, but I have to do so gradually otherwise the whole thing becomes a misery. And at the end of the day, many people I know who are seemingly much more adventurous than me, have confided that they would never venture anywhere alone, even in the UK, whereas I go abroad fairly regularly by myself. So, in short, horses for courses.

Sorry for the essay.
I really hope things turn a corner for you, so that you can return to carefree travel.

You need to walk the Camino! I did it a few years back, before ‘this’ set in. 5 weeks with a small rucksack of stuff 🤣 Maybe I need to do it again!

@zantez that is genius - I wonder how expensive it is!
On my recent flight I was blindly following the person in front of the plane but they were being ushered into a special assistance minivan - maybe my body had the right idea there!

@TreesAtSea It sounds as though you’ve found what works for you, which is everything. You’re quite right to not think about ‘normal’ - comparison is the thief of joy.

Great thread topic OP.

I've been doing loads of "soul trips" abroad every couple months. Like a little mini-break.

I think I'm a bit travelled out, I'm a tad anxious with ND traits and although I'm very grateful and glad I've done this, I don't fancy the cognitive load of planning and uncertainty.

So I have:

• A trip in May (same place as last time).

• Trip to an Airbnb retreat hut in July. This is in the UK so no worrying about airports.

Then I'm just going to stay in my local area for 6 months.

For late summer, autumn, winter, I'll do local parks, days out pottering around the charity shops and lunch.

They call it enjoying your council tax. Do self-care at home and YouTube exercise and try new recipes.

I'll review the situation in winter.

The great thing about my travel experiences is I now know which areas and what travel set-up really suits me.

So I can select the plans and places that are reasonably familiar and which I feel offer value for money.

(3 nights is my optimum, I'm a bit too fussy for hostels but a cheap room with shared bathroom is fine... I actually like doing nothing and not having a set list of things to do).

Re:family events. This makes me sound awful but if you get socially overwhelmed easily, maybe you need a strategy for making excuses? Polite white lie and stay at home.

I can put on a front but I have and always have found big events you have to travel to overwhelming and expensive.

Honestly...as a single older woman no-one really cares if I attend or not.

I'm not expecting favours or anyone to meet my care needs when I get old.

I don't really enjoy making small talk with people I barely know or working around someone else's bored teenagers.

It is totally free! I gave a little tip to the assistant, but that's not expected. Otherwise it's totally free. You book it with your ticket out and return, and present yourself to the assistance desk at the airport and they will do everything else. They just want to see your passport and sometimes ticket to make sure you have booked it, but no questions asked about why you need it. Nothing. Very helpful people doing it too.

Give it a try. You will be converted.

@TweedPingu I like your style!
After my long haul flight I will be very happy to stay put for a while. I absolutely cannot get out of this one, and nor would I want to - it’s more that I wish it was taking place close to home!
You’ve done well working out what works for you! No point putting yourself through stress and spending money for the privilege.

Thank you...although having seen your update about having walked the Camino: wow, I'd love to do that or at least part of it. That must've been a wonderful experience. Maybe I could instead start fom Santiago and walk out to Finisterre🤔More manageable.

@TreesAtSea That’s a really good idea! You could take as long as you wanted to do it. Spring or Autumn are the best times to do it.

Just updating as my journey draws closer…I have been in touch with my airline about special assistance and they’ve responded positively. I’m so happy to have been given the idea by @zantez!
I’ve been busy booking taxis to and from airport and hotel - it’s all extra cost which I can’t really afford but it will make everything so much easier and less stressful so it’s worth it.
Now I just have to worry about what to wear…temperature is about to shoot up which I will find very uncomfortable and will mean I have to rethink all my clothes 🤦🏻‍♀️