Life not the same anymore

[AnOverwhelmingFeeling]

I’m lying in my bed, alone, wondering what the hell has happened to me. My finger points at menopause, a wicked phase (for a lot of women) I’ve been going through.

I’m now 53, almost 54, and it’s 8 years since my last period. I’d always been as regular as clockwork and a typical 28-day cycle girl. Then, one day, a switch was flicked and my periods just stopped. No irregular periods, no spotting, nothing.,

Four months later, I felt different. Very different. Unaware, at this stage, it was menopause (even though I hadn’t had a period for 4 months, I didn’t make the connection). My mother had passed away the year previously and I didn’t have a sister that I could turn too. Menopause has cost me, dearly. I went to see a GP in the early days but was told I was too young for menopause (45)! Male GP. I struggled alone and have never had HRT. Never been offered it.

My symptoms of menopause were:

(1) I became ridiculously horny (uncontrollably). Issue was, I wasn’t attracted to my husband and we’d already lived in a sexless marriage for over a decade. I started to dress differently. I enjoyed it tbh. This lasted a few years and I am still more sexual (but read below for the outcome).

(2) Anxiety. Especially around people. I couldn’t stand being around people, not just my husband but my children and my friends (who I’d known since childhood) and colleagues. I could no longer watch TV as I couldn’t stand ‘people’ and I still can’t watch TV. I couldn’t go shopping. Nature was my healer. I had palpitations in the early days but they went.

(3) Unusually, I became a more confident person. So much so, I got promoted.

I didn’t get your usual hot flushes, which probably masked the underlying cause of what was going on. I only started to get suspicious when I started researching the anxiety as I had never been an anxious person before.

The fallout from the above was:

(1) I started chatting to other men. I enjoyed it, I won’t lie. Years of a cold marriage (that was nothing more than a friendship) left me wanting to be desired and to express my own passion etc. I started an emotional affair with a man, who lives 4 hours away, online/phone. Also married. This is something I wouldn’t have ever done normally. He never wanted to meet. I did. We did, eventually, and we have met many times. I suffered great turmoil (as I fell for this man) and ended my 23 year old marriage after meeting this man for the first time (we hadn’t done anything, itkwim). We have met many times and I have loved every minute. I became fixated on him and couldn’t let him go. He felt guilty and would never leave his marriage. He is still in my life and tries to control himself. We have become more friends over the last 2 years and he has supported me a lot. Recently going quiet so I know I have been a fool. I know menopause was behind this and do feel like 💩. Unfortunately, my heart got involved and (after being unable to to experience desire, passion in my marriage) it was inevitable. Wrong though but I was so out of it!

(2) I became unsettled in my job/career. Having been through university (BSc and MSc) to get into the career I’d always wanted, I suddenly felt restless and annoyed at everything/everyone. This pattern has continued throughout menopause and I have changed jobs 4 times since this stage of my life started. I am, again, job hunting as I have ended up too far from home with a heavy workload. I had worked in my first job (that I loved) for many years.

(3) I would shut people out. I couldn’t stand the sound of their voices, their presence. I deleted Facebook as I hated seeing them on there too! Menopause really affected me, mentally. I would retreat to the countryside and sit by myself, for hours, regularly. In between this (anxiety), I’d have bursts of confidence and the sex surge was crazy!

I have settled down a lot but this is the fall out of the above and what I’ve been left with;

(1) A divorce, which has cost me over £10k in solicitor fees

(2) An ex-husband who hasn’t spoken to me since he left all those years ago (he doesn’t know about the other man and why I ended the marriage)

(3) My children now live with their father, mostly.

(4) A man, who was never going to be mine, has participated in the destruction of my life and didn’t stop this, even though he knew I had feelings for him. He also knew I was menopausal! I am alone at home while he enjoys the security of his marriage. I know I’ve been a fool.

(5) I had to sell the family home. Ex inherited money after we split that he ringfenced and kept. He is now mortgage free and semi-retired. I bought a smaller house and have taken out a mortgage over 21 years. I plan on paying it off at 60 but will lose my pension lump sum to do this. Something I’ve worked for, for years. We had been mortgage free, in the family home, for over 10 years. It broke my heart to leave the house. I’m now alone, living in a smaller house and starting to realise how awful my life now is. Financially, I’d say I’ve lost £200k. I have to continue to work full time in a stressful job. My siblings also passed during this do more trauma and hurt! My best friend died of cancer last year.

Menopause did this. It changed me. I had no help from GP’s, employers or friends/family. My ex thought I’d gone mad. Not once did he ever consider menopause. No-one did.

Not looking for sympathy. I have to live with all of this and learn to move on. I feel like I have been through the biggest mill of all. It was wicked. It really was 😢.

I confided in my sister in law, recently. She has known me from birth. My mum also divorced at 48. My sister in law couldn’t believe the similarities and was quite shocked. She exclaimed it happened to my mum too. If only she’d been here for support.

There needs to be more education around menopause. I was unaware of a lot of my symptoms. My employer and family were unsupportive.

I’m sorry this happened. It seems to me that the fallout was all a result of the sex surge?

Yes, but also the anxiety and feelings of being ‘not myself’ or not the same person.

I think too many people think menopause is hot flushes and periods stopping. It’s so much more than that, I think you totally change inside.
I feel so bored of life now, but not in a depressive way. I feel like I’m just waiting to age and die. Not a lot brings me pleasure any more. I don’t like new films and TV programmes, I tend to rewatch ones from the 80/90’s. There’s no pleasure in going out shopping anymore as most things are online. I enjoy food but it just makes me fatter, can’t eat like I used to. DH annoys me unbelievably, he’s turned into an old man. I want to be left alone, but don’t want to be alone. It’s like everyone and everything is annoying.
It really is like you totally change a a person, and I don’t like myself.

Menopause can be brutal - I too nearly sunk a 30 year marriage because I just felt unsettled, started nit picking everything he did and felt so negative about everything. There were other things in the mix but ultimately my whole sense of self shifted. We separated for 3 years and coparented our kids, during which time he’s been consistently caring and kind. We’ve rekindled things and he’s moving back home again.

I know it was menopause making me so unhappy, and while HRT helped with some things it hasn’t helped that feeling of restless unhappiness. I’ve made changes at work and with friends which has helped hugely but my goodness it’s been a tough few years.

I can't relate because menopause hasn't affected me this way (I'm 51 - I have had symptoms but more the "traditional" ones of hot flushes etc than the ones you describe). But the thing your post reminded me of is my friend who has been diagnosed as an adult with ADHD. She can't settle to anything and moves on from jobs and relationships because she gets restless. It's tricky because it doesn't fit with how we are "supposed" to be. I guess in your case it's even harder because you feel you weren't really "you" during those years (whereas for her it's more of an integral part of her).

Sending sympathy OP. You've had a pretty rubbish time.

Whilst peri and meno can be challenging I don't think it is the cause of all your problems, as you say you weren't happily married so another man giving you attention would always end badly even with or without meno issues.

Best thing to do is optimise your health so eat well, lots of physical activity to promote good sleep and good mood. Avoid booze as it is a depressant. Do you drink much? Try apps to help promote calm and focus

Fine to have a sex surge but try and find a single man obviously, must be awful waiting on the back burner all the time.

See your gp ask for hrt or anxiety meds. Good luck .

I can relate to a lot of these feelings. Im nearly 60 so way past menopause. Or in menopause. Whatever its called. I want to be alone a lot but can then feel really lonely. Dh has driven me madder recently than the 30 odd years we've been together. We've had an empty nest for a year and im still struggling with it. He was fine from day one. I feel when im "good" everything is ok, when im struggling hes like a brick wall. And im struggling a lot just now.
The posters saying she is waiting to grow old and die hit a nerve too.

And I get absolutely furious at posters who reply with pithy answers making it clear they have no feckin idea what the op means.

I'm sorry you went through all of this. It wasn't just down to hormones IMO, more a mid-life crisis where you decided to end your marriage because of long-term incompatibility.

Your GP was out of touch frankly.
8 years ago isn't long and menopause was all over the media then - and still is. I've friends who have been on HRT for nearly 20 years (they are older than you) and that's not unusual. So your GP was useless.

If your periods stopped at 45 you need to see your GP and ask for a bone density scan to see if you have bone loss- osteoporosis.

45 is on the edge of being considered early. (average age is 51.)
Now, many specialists suggest HRT as bone protection, regardless or no meno symptoms, for at least 4-5 years from age 45.

You are still very young and many women who use HRT don't start until their early 50s anyway.

Drinking a lot also affects bones - it's not good for them- so it's really important you have a scan.

No, don’t drink at all. Just tea, water and the occasional soft drink.

I think hormones have a lot to answer for! It’s awful that lives can be affected in this way. I find myself listing to 70’s music (ABBA and BeeGee’s) and ‘going back’ to when I was a little girl.

Yes, my GP was a bit useless. It was a young GP I hadn’t seen before. There is no continuity of care these days with GP’s.

I will ask about a bone density scan.

Go back, ask for a hrt trial if you're struggling or mh support for anxiety issues?

I see it differently. (I'm 51 so have been through it too.)

How it reads to me is that yes you have changed - you prefer nature to noise and people irritate you - but that's what happens at menopause. I think people forget how powerful we are as women and what we are meant to bring to this world. There is absolutely nothing wrong with withdrawing, doing better things with our time, and being wiser. It is not wrong, it is normal and natural.

It seems that your marriage had run its course so I am not surprised that your mature woman stage brought that out into the open. Why should you and he tolerate a loveless marriage, wasting your opportunity for happiness? Wrong things do come to a close and that is good!

Why don't you see the affair partner as simply a step on the road of extricating yourself from your dead marriage? He hasn't ended up being your next partner, but maybe that is for the best? Maybe there is someone better out there, just around the corner?

Honestly if I were you I would crack on with earning money and throwing it at the mortgage, and completely change all aspects of my life otherwise. Start things, stop things, do things completely differently.

Get out there and find a decent partner for once. There ARE good men. Date and have sex. Why not use your sexuality?

I was about 48 and in a failing relationship when I had to really get to grips with my menopause symptoms. I was a stone overweight, so that got sorted. (I like fasting, it really suits me.) I got onto the right supplements, for anxiety I use Menopace and that really worked. I also bought a new red bullet vibrator, which I used every single night, and I thought, I am not ready to lose my sex life, to have it end and that's it. So I took action. Menopause has made me have to take care of my nether regions much more than I ever used to but tough, that's life, and I am easily up to the challenge.

With your job, I think it's the same - you are unable to tolerate bullshit - but you think this is a bad change where I think it is good.

Keep looking and be wise with your choices, but really, you don't have to work somewhere you hate.

You frame menopause as a bad thing but it is not. The world benefits from women shutting up and carrying on, and menopause is when we can't anymore.

Hate everyone? Hate someone who annoys you, someone who is mean or horrible or irritating? Why wouldn't you! Why is this seen as bad?

I didn't have a bad menopause. Yes there have been physical changes but I have got to grips with them.

The plusses have outweighed the minuses. My boundaries are much better, I am more relaxed, I let people feel the consequences they bring onto themselves, I can protect myself now, I am brave, I am happy and make sure I build time for myself into my day so I am not overwhelmed or annoyed. And so on.

I reckon if you try and overturn how you think of things, you will see that yes you have to pay for everything now BUT you have a whole second life to enjoy - you are a grown woman now, you are wise and know what you want.

I too think maybe the lose of hormones due to menopause has revealed your ADHD that was being masked. This a thing. Check it out. Especially if your mum did the same.

Why does everyone keep saying this? Is it not more likely loss of estrogen which affects the ‘people pleasing’ parts of our brain and loss of progesterone which affects neuro calming parts and sleep architecture. Once these decline of course we will feel these effects.

Not sure why you’ve suggested ADHD. I’ve never had symptoms of ADHD in my life before. It’s menopause.

It sounds like menopause hit you hard, but it also sounds like your marriage was not great anyway, would you say that is fair?

in which case leaving your husband was not such a bad thing maybe. It feels a bit like you see yourself as a victim and that stops you from enjoying life, it would be great if you can try and reframe things a bit and try and figure out what you want from the next stage in life: make your home nicer, career, make new friends, new hobbies, travel, get into Witcher, have cats, whatever ☺️💪

That poster is muddling you up with another thread I think.

Sorry OP it's a tricky time of life. I too am 53 but still having periods. Obviously in peri now and periods have shifted from 35 day cycle to 26-28 each month.

Haven't missed any yet but like you I have had periods of the 'sex surge' where I am going mad. Worse I have been single / celibate for 12 years and so nowhere to put it. It kicked off about 2 years ago feeling so horny and then it goes away again after a few months. Then it comes bloody back. My solution has been Lovehoney and I've bought quite a few vibrators searching for the perfect one (which I now have 2 of).
Worse even things that usually kill my sex drive dead are not happening - for example when I am overweight my interest in sex goes down. Last year lost 3 stone and put it all back on over winter but sex drive is still bloody here. On antidepressants which normally kills the sex drive but nope the thing is still running rampant.

I used to be really 'house proud' with a showpiece home and now it looks like I've been burgled and I don't really give a shit.

I feel like I'm in a weird limbo where I am irrelevant to young people (literally see them looking right through me) but not old enough yet to sink into old age.

Also like you lost my parents in last few years which of course has lead to me feeling like 'I'm next' in the queue of death.

I feel like I don't know what I am supposed to be doing with myself.

I was always an introvert but have gotten really withdrawn now and honestly can't be bothered with people but at the same time sometimes feel lonely. The dog helps but then some days I feel annoyed at the 'demands' he puts on me and then feel horribly guilty for feeling like that.

I struggle to do the basics each day, my diet is back to being shit, my house is a mess, I've lost touch with everyone.

I've found myself watching alot of stuff from my mum and dads era. Possibly to be 'closer' to them or understand them more. Lost interest in lots of things ie watching films and can only watch really good films or films from my younger years. Spent the last few years being hugely interested in world events etc and watching lots of documentaries but even that interest seems to be waning.

I don't have kids and I am retired and I feel annoyed at myself for 'wasting' this time by feeling like this.

It is a funny time of life. When I think how driven and hard working I used to be I don't recognise myself. I feel like I have turned into a grumpy old woman who glares at the neighbours kids for evening daring to be outside my house. Their noise literally hurts my brain and I feel rage at having my peace disturbed.

I thank god that I don't have to go out to work as my brain feels foggy and unfocused. I seem to have lost my ability to read books which I used to love.

The grey weather of british winters are making me feel really down when they never really used to bother me.

I am waiting for spring so I can try and sort myself out (again). Lose weight, get more stuff done, try and figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life.

So just know you are not alone.

Also I have made plenty of really bad decisions and screwed my life up even when I was younger and regret is hard to live with I know. Now I'm too tired to do much of anything. I don't know what the answer is but just know you are not alone.

p.s. Did I mention the itchy skin, trouble sleeping, have periods of feeling practically suicidal despite the high dose of antidepressants, achy hips and ankles, dry hair, blotchy skin

I feel like I don't know what I am supposed to be doing with myself.

Have you thought about going back to work? Retiring at 53 and having no real purpose isn't always a great place to be in considering you may live to 90.

I can't imagine stopping work at that age. How are you managing financially as your pension must be affected by leaving work so early?

My 'advice' is you need to find some purpose, even if it's just a voluntary role to start with, and maybe consider going back to work, retraining, doing some higher ed, or something to give you some focus.

I know lots of people who retrained in their 50s and even their 60s (some as counsellors, others in more creative careers or doing p/t degrees) - maybe you need to think along those lines?

If you are in Scotland you can pay to get one done privately in Inverness, around £50.

My husband was a nice man but we had no sexual chemistry. We’d go on holidays and days out etc. but then spent most of our marriage without any intimacy, hand holding or anything. It just wasn’t there, for me anyway. Hence, you can imagine how the OM just blows me away as he is lovely to be around, passionate and affectionate. He has messaged me in the last few days. Friendly. I think he knows what he’s done and knows he got carried away but this has gone on for years and has had a massive effect on me and my life. I, honestly, wish I could meet someone else who could make me feel like that. I have spent most of my adult life without.

I have booked a holiday for later in the year and then a 5 day break in Prague just for myself. It’ll take a while to get this house put right. Well, I mean, empty all of the boxes and bags! I have ordered new solid oak bedroom furniture for my room. The other 2 rooms are empty at the moment. I’m going to get new beds for the kids’ rooms.

Youngest child has had offers from universities for September start. She wants to move away 😢.

I am hoping to change jobs again soon.

Feel so rubbish but not as bad in the new house now.

Sounds like you’re having a pretty rubbish time of it too! It’s awful. One thing I find hard is how it has completely changed who I was. I was ambitious and hard working…now I can’t seem to concentrate and don’t really care anymore. I feel like I’m not me anymore. Lost. Distant. It’s weird. I enjoy being out in nature when I’m feeling rubbish. The National Trust has been my saviour!

I lost my siblings as well as my parents so death (yes, I know this sounds morbid) is almost just around the corner. I think, when you’re young, you don’t think you’ll ever die but, all of a sudden, I’ve realised it’ll come to me too. I shouldn’t complain. I was seriously ill as a teenager and came close to death so I’ve had 40 years more than I should’ve done. I need to make the remaining years as happy as I can.

I think you need to get out a bit and live a little!

I can relate to so much of this I too had the sex surge probably around age 50 and I had been living in a sexless marriage we'd been together 32 years but not had sex for 10 and my husband just irritated me he wasn't a very nice man and there was no way that I could have sex with him so it kind of pushed me into ending the marriage.

For me I jumped on the apps and had a few flings with younger man and then found my current lovely partner my age who is really interested in everything I do so Theatre cinema gigs festivals travelling and we have a great sex life so that's scratched that itch. Also he is really physically affectionate and I didn't realize until I met him how much I had missed that physical touch without it turning sexual he holds my hand all the time we just cuddle up watching telly in the evening's it's absolutely lovely.

So for me the menopause surge basically jolted me out of a miserable marriage and into a life where I feel so much more alive and rather than just going through the motions I am actually living life.

Glad you found someone else. I know exactly what you mean about missing the affection. OM holds my hand, hugs me etc. My husband didn’t. He was very cold in that way. He was nice in other ways but the sex surge (and resulting fall out) made me realise what I was missing. Unfortunately for me, the OM cooled it after realising it had gone too far. We have still met up and he clearly gets aroused just talking to me but he won’t ever be what I want him to be. He messages me but not as often these days. He doesn’t really realise he was the cause of my divorce, loss of house etc.

And, I sit alone…still!!!