I’m lying in my bed, alone, wondering what the hell has happened to me. My finger points at menopause, a wicked phase (for a lot of women) I’ve been going through.
I’m now 53, almost 54, and it’s 8 years since my last period. I’d always been as regular as clockwork and a typical 28-day cycle girl. Then, one day, a switch was flicked and my periods just stopped. No irregular periods, no spotting, nothing.,
Four months later, I felt different. Very different. Unaware, at this stage, it was menopause (even though I hadn’t had a period for 4 months, I didn’t make the connection). My mother had passed away the year previously and I didn’t have a sister that I could turn too. Menopause has cost me, dearly. I went to see a GP in the early days but was told I was too young for menopause (45)! Male GP. I struggled alone and have never had HRT. Never been offered it.
My symptoms of menopause were:
(1) I became ridiculously horny (uncontrollably). Issue was, I wasn’t attracted to my husband and we’d already lived in a sexless marriage for over a decade. I started to dress differently. I enjoyed it tbh. This lasted a few years and I am still more sexual (but read below for the outcome).
(2) Anxiety. Especially around people. I couldn’t stand being around people, not just my husband but my children and my friends (who I’d known since childhood) and colleagues. I could no longer watch TV as I couldn’t stand ‘people’ and I still can’t watch TV. I couldn’t go shopping. Nature was my healer. I had palpitations in the early days but they went.
(3) Unusually, I became a more confident person. So much so, I got promoted.
I didn’t get your usual hot flushes, which probably masked the underlying cause of what was going on. I only started to get suspicious when I started researching the anxiety as I had never been an anxious person before.
The fallout from the above was:
(1) I started chatting to other men. I enjoyed it, I won’t lie. Years of a cold marriage (that was nothing more than a friendship) left me wanting to be desired and to express my own passion etc. I started an emotional affair with a man, who lives 4 hours away, online/phone. Also married. This is something I wouldn’t have ever done normally. He never wanted to meet. I did. We did, eventually, and we have met many times. I suffered great turmoil (as I fell for this man) and ended my 23 year old marriage after meeting this man for the first time (we hadn’t done anything, itkwim). We have met many times and I have loved every minute. I became fixated on him and couldn’t let him go. He felt guilty and would never leave his marriage. He is still in my life and tries to control himself. We have become more friends over the last 2 years and he has supported me a lot. Recently going quiet so I know I have been a fool. I know menopause was behind this and do feel like 💩. Unfortunately, my heart got involved and (after being unable to to experience desire, passion in my marriage) it was inevitable. Wrong though but I was so out of it!
(2) I became unsettled in my job/career. Having been through university (BSc and MSc) to get into the career I’d always wanted, I suddenly felt restless and annoyed at everything/everyone. This pattern has continued throughout menopause and I have changed jobs 4 times since this stage of my life started. I am, again, job hunting as I have ended up too far from home with a heavy workload. I had worked in my first job (that I loved) for many years.
(3) I would shut people out. I couldn’t stand the sound of their voices, their presence. I deleted Facebook as I hated seeing them on there too! Menopause really affected me, mentally. I would retreat to the countryside and sit by myself, for hours, regularly. In between this (anxiety), I’d have bursts of confidence and the sex surge was crazy!
I have settled down a lot but this is the fall out of the above and what I’ve been left with;
(1) A divorce, which has cost me over £10k in solicitor fees
(2) An ex-husband who hasn’t spoken to me since he left all those years ago (he doesn’t know about the other man and why I ended the marriage)
(3) My children now live with their father, mostly.
(4) A man, who was never going to be mine, has participated in the destruction of my life and didn’t stop this, even though he knew I had feelings for him. He also knew I was menopausal! I am alone at home while he enjoys the security of his marriage. I know I’ve been a fool.
(5) I had to sell the family home. Ex inherited money after we split that he ringfenced and kept. He is now mortgage free and semi-retired. I bought a smaller house and have taken out a mortgage over 21 years. I plan on paying it off at 60 but will lose my pension lump sum to do this. Something I’ve worked for, for years. We had been mortgage free, in the family home, for over 10 years. It broke my heart to leave the house. I’m now alone, living in a smaller house and starting to realise how awful my life now is. Financially, I’d say I’ve lost £200k. I have to continue to work full time in a stressful job. My siblings also passed during this do more trauma and hurt! My best friend died of cancer last year.
Menopause did this. It changed me. I had no help from GP’s, employers or friends/family. My ex thought I’d gone mad. Not once did he ever consider menopause. No-one did.
Not looking for sympathy. I have to live with all of this and learn to move on. I feel like I have been through the biggest mill of all. It was wicked. It really was 😢.
I confided in my sister in law, recently. She has known me from birth. My mum also divorced at 48. My sister in law couldn’t believe the similarities and was quite shocked. She exclaimed it happened to my mum too. If only she’d been here for support.
There needs to be more education around menopause. I was unaware of a lot of my symptoms. My employer and family were unsupportive.