Husband seeking advice

[Wafu]

Hi

I hope you don't mind me posting here but there is no good advice on the internet for males

My wife of 12 years is peri menopausal and started hrt in November of last year, she already had the coils fitted but was prescribed patches alongside, for about 2mths after the prescription it was like I had my wife back, she told me she loved me and wanted kisses and cuddles all the time (something we hadn't done for so long). This drifted back after that period and she even started calling me mate. We don't have sex but that I understand and don't care about.

I have educated myself as far as possible on the menopause and the horrible time that a women's body and mind go through and have tried to support my wife as much as possible even though I'm not sure she sees it and I know that's not her fault.

The reason I am here for support and advice is that I am in the military and am a month into a 8mth deployment, I didn't want to leave her when she is in this transition or when our marriage is so fragile. Since I left she hasn't really spoke to me, she has my email and also I have WiFi access so she can message, she doesn't know if she misses me and I'm finding it really hard. If I initiate conversation I may get a reply, sometimes not. I understand that she is busy as we have 2 young children and a house to maintain. She finds time to make posts on social media, however not the time to speak to me.

I'm not trying to be needy, I just don't want to lose the love of my life, she's my whole world, I just want to interact with her and know she still cares, it's hard being away from your loved ones but I'm finding it harder not speaking to the one I care the most about.

I hope this doesn't come across like her world should revolve around me because that is not the case, I just still want to try and be a small part of it.

Thankyou for taking the time to read my post.

Welcome ! You’ve written a lovely post, it’s nice to see you care.
Has she had a medication review ? It might be that, if symptoms are returning and the cuddles etc have dropped off, she might need more oestrogen.
Have you talked to her and said that it feels like you’re losing her/your relationship ?
Personally, for a while now I’ve wished my DH would just go away. It seems to be a common thing women of our age say, I’m not saying we all feel this way. I’ve had enough of running round after everyone, my libido has gone, I can see that I’ve got less of life to live than I’ve lived, and I don’t want to spend it telling DH over and over now to do the same thing. I want freedom and to live my life. But in reality it’s not that easy.
I think you need a face to face talk about where you’re going.

What a lovely post OP!
At this stage, I’d want help such as a cleaner. I’d want help with the mental load: which kid does which activity, I know you can’t be there to take them, but you can pay for the lessons online, as her what standing orders are needed for what and tell her not to worry about it.
I’d want all the shit that’s not working in the house sorted, book a handyman.
I’d want a book to arrive in the post from you: I heard it’s a good book and it sounds up your street.
Send her random flowers.
The thing some of us struggle the most is brain fog and insomnia, that’s pure torture. So taking care of the mental load, even remotely, would make her see you care.

Thankyou for the reply, she moved from the patch to the gel earlier this year. I find that I don't want to keep talking to her about the menopause it as I don't want her to feel that I am blaming everything on her in a battle that she can't control.

I am really torn as to what to say to her if anything, back along she would have been really receptive to what I said about my feelings and she was one of the kindest people I know, now however I feel that I just rile her up and she thinks that all I care about is myself even though I am trying desperately to save our marriage and family. On the occasions we have spoke I try to remain positive and supportive in everything she is doing and am keeping what's happening with me to myself.

I'm not looking for sympathy but deploying from family is extremely hard mentally for anyone, it's even harder though when the one you love doesn't act like they care about you anymore, I'm so scared that my marriage will be over when I return and that is eating me up inside.

Thankyou for replying

I ensured everything was in place before deploying and said about getting a cleaner in once a week but unfortunately that was met with anger as she took it that I thought she couldn't cope.

I'm at a loss

“Wafu” you sound like a lovely man, and it’s obvious you care deeply about your wife. I’m 3/4 years into Perimenopause and it’s the hardest thing I’ve been through. I’m good now but sometimes up and down. It’s utterly exhausting and there are times you just can’t cope with yourself let alone anything or anyone else and it throws your mood and sense of reality all over the place. Honestly when I first got a vague handle on it and started HRT I think I would have loved nothing more than for my husband to deploy for 8 months (probably not what you want to hear), sorry.. But every extra person/animal in the house to manage, try and be “happy” for, etc.. was one I’d happily of got rid of for a while.. Completely irrational, totally unrelated to how much I love them I just felt broken and there’s no making sense of it so also trying to explain it to someone else feels exhausting and infuriating. If it helps it is very very unlikely to be “you”! We got through with humour.. but that’s not for everyone.. My husband takes the piss.. in a way he knows I can take, and backs away if he missteps.. I am fondly known as “the bear” and sometimes it’s the cuddly type and sometimes one you would climb a tree from (or whatever it is you’re supposed to do to avoid being eaten!)… I agree with others nice surprise gifts.. flowers for no reason, sending something she loves, a book, bath salts, a voucher for a spa or afternoon tea with a friend, just small simple gestures that remind her why she loves you without being overpowering. The reaction to the cleaner isn’t rational.. she probably knows that as much as you do.. I would approach that again, but gently maybe suggesting it would give her a few extra hours a week to do something she enjoys.. And anything mental load wise you can take take it.. if something needs fixing at home organise it but ask her when’s convenient don’t book it without checking! It’s those small things that can become infuriating, again slightly irrational but line it up and then allow her to have it done at her convenience.. whatever it is! Good luck, if the HRT does it job it’s very likely you’ll come home to a very different person.. Oh and if you have mutual friends have someone check in on her without, of course, giving any indication it’s because you asked!! Good luck!

Hi OP, you sound like a lovely man and someone very worthy of some good advice from the women of Mumsnet.

Never underestimate how hard peri and menopause can be for lots of women. I’m so glad that we are now living in an age where this can finally be talked about, rather than brushed under the carpet as something shameful or embarrassing.

Peri hit me 2 years ago and it changed everything. My relationship hit the skids badly and I was just angry at him all the time and couldn’t see a way forward. We paid a therapist in the end, at his insistence, and from that point on we’ve grown again from strength to strength. Would she consider couples counselling? You could suggest it, at the very least, and her response could give you a fair indication of just how much she values your relationship.

It's lovely to hear how much you love your wife :)

Thankyou to you all for your kind words and advice.

The scariest thing for me not being with her is not knowing how she feels about me now, she hasn't been able to tell me that she misses me as she says she doesn't know if she does and when ever I message saying that I love her she just reads it and doesn't reply, it breaks my heart. I guess I know how madly I feel about her and can't fathom what is going on in her head due to the menopause

she hasn't been able to tell me that she misses me as she says she doesn't know if she does and when ever I message saying that I love her she just reads it and doesn't reply

It's because you're getting on her nerves. If it makes you feel any better, it won't just be you - your children will also be getting on her nerves. As will any pets you have, her parents, your parents, and so on.

Your wife sounds like she is also struggling with 'can't-be-arsedness', in which every single thing - even picking up a pair of shoes to put in the cupboard - will seem monumental and impossible. I can't even begin to describe how awful this is: it's been the single worst thing about my own perimenopause, and I've got a list of symptoms as long as my arm.

It's shit for you, and you sound like a really nice man, but as gently as possible, this isn't about you right now. I didn't even feel sorry for my husband, and he's hands down the best bloke on earth.

Here's my advice. You need to pick up the mental load. All of it. I realise that's near-on impossible because you're away for 8 months. But you need to know all the family's appointments, clubs, activities, clothing requirements, homework - everything - and you need to do as much as feasibly possible from a distance. I don't know how you can do that, but you need to think of a way, because your wife can't do it due to 'can't-be-arsedness' and she needs someone else to do it. And you need to do it without asking your wife 'what needs doing?' because that is her just managing yet another person and she may as well do it herself. She has to know what needs doing without asking you, so you need to know too.

As other PPs said - arrange the cleaner. Don't just suggest it and then leave it to your wife to sort out. Research cleaners yourself and get one employed. Also some kind of home help - maybe someone to help with cooking, tidying up, etc.

Also as PPs said - send her nice things occasionally - books etc. If you must send flowers, send the ones that are already in water and in a vase. It's hugely irritating receiving flowers and having to cut the ends off the stems, find a vase, put the flower food in, arrange the flowers. It's just yet another task to do. But really, while these things are nice and all, they're easy to do. What you really need to be doing is taking jobs/the mental load off her and doing them yourself or outsourcing them.

The last thing I'll say is that you sound like you're being quite needy. I get it - your wife has changed, and it's rocked your entire world and you just want her back. Believe me, she wants herself back too. But all this asking her if she misses you - you need to back off because it's just yet another pressure on her that she has to deal with. Message her, tell her you love her, tell her you miss her; but stop expecting and asking to hear it back. HRT is pretty good, but it's not a miracle cure, and she's likely not going back to the person she used to be any time soon.

How do you know if he pays for activities or not?

When you are home from assignments, are you hands on with the cleaning/kids/pets/washing/garden etc?

I was going to comment something like this.

@Wafu before HRT I hated my long term suffering partner of 15 years and I found it incredibly hard to tolerate my children. They're 11 and 7 now but I'm talking 2022 when I got diagnosed with perimenopause. I took hrt and it was life changing, for a while. I loved my boyfriend all over again like how we were before peri came along and I respected him more. I was no longer a ticking timebomb ready to explode at any given thing and any given minute.
I felt fantastic!

But like your wife the greatness soon reduced and some old symptoms came back so I went back to my GP and we tried a higher dose before eventually trying a different HRT altogether which thankfully has helped me massively and continues to do so.

Everything will give your wife the ick.

Like another PP said, this is such a time for us as we literally feel like we just can't be doing with any shit anymore and we become more vocal about things that we might have swept under the carpet before. We feel like we're going out of our minds because we get brain fog. I can't tell you the amount of times I've locked myself out or forgotten things. It's was my bank card yesterday. Thankfully I was only down the road at the petrol station (I'd completely forgot that I can pay by phone) so I left my purse there and came home to get my card that was on the microwave.
We get tired, we ache in places we've never done before we get onion smelling armpits (like wtf is that about???) Dry vag. It really is a huge sense of loss but a sense of warrior woman too. Or it can be a complete breakdown and no picking yourself up from it.

If you can I suggest you watch a documentary on All4 (the Channel 4 app). Davina McCall's documentary on peri/menopause. It was a breath of fresh air to me and I recommend everyone watch it for understanding of what we go through.

I know you need her to tell you she loves you. Just try and know that she does.

Good luck

Btw, I call everyone mate. EVERYONE!

It’s not about the money, it’s about the mental workload. I wasn’t assuming he’s not contributing, but when you have things you must keep track of, and you’re juggling it alone, it’s fantastic if the partner can actually tick that item off the list.

Ah I see. Thanks for not going off at me for not understanding

Hi guys and thankyou again for the replies, it's all invaluable knowledge and I really appreciate it.

To try and cover the bits that have been said:

Yes I do contribute as my wife does not work, when I am not deployed I am very hands on at home doing a lot of the cleaning, shopping, washing etc, I have always been this way even before my wife got menopausal.

I am not asking my wife to tell me she loves or misses me, she told me outright I'm not sure if I miss you, all I was saying is that as a person who feels so strongly about their feelings it's hard to fathom how such a wonderfully caring and loving person can change due to the change in her body. This is why I came on here to spek advice as I will never feel or start to slightly understand the changes both mentally and physically that she is having to endure.

I'm doing my best as a man to try and research and understand what you all must be going through and that's why I wanted to speak to the experts, you!

Last night I messaged her this:

Thankyou babe ❤️ I know your busy all the time and it's very hard to speak to you, I just want you to know I'm not going to pressure you into speaking to me, I don't want to add to your stress thinking you must speak to me or make time you don't have so I'm not going to keep calling, texting or emailing, you have my email and can text me for the next few days so I'm here if you do ever want to talk to me and I will ring whenever you need or want me. Just know I love and miss you and hope you are doing well and coping with everything. I hope you are feeling well in yourself and making time to relax where possible xxxx

I thought that this is my best way of supporting her at the minute by reducing a factor in her life and lowering her mental capacity in finding time to speak to me, she has a massive amount on her plate due to my deployment and I don't want to add to that.

Please go easy on me as I am a dumb male who is desperately trying to do what is best for his wife who is struggling through this season of his life, if I said anything that offended I apologise, I just love this women with all my heart and soul and want to everything I can to take care of her

@Wafu what a lovely thread,you are both going to get through this because you being loving,understanding,supportive and actually looking and learning of ways to help goes a long way.Just keep being patient.

when I am not deployed I am very hands on at home doing a lot of the cleaning, shopping, washing etc.

I mean, this is great, but none of this is mental load.

Examples of mental load associated with the 3 things you mentioned above would be:

Cleaning:
I need to order more furniture polish. I'll add it to the shopping list.
The cleaning cloths need washing.
We're running low on washing-up liquid - I'll get some next time I'm out.
The hoover bag is full. I don't know if we have any replacements - I need to check in the cupboard. Nope, none in the cupboard - I need to get some ordered; where did I buy them from last time? Oh I need the model type of the hoover - where's the manual?

Washing:
We need more laundry detergent - I'll have to pick some up on the way to picking up child 1 from school.
Child 2 has PE on Thursday - I must make sure his gym kit is washed and dried by then.
The dog's blanket smells minging. I need to wash that.
Child 1 has spilt dinner down her school shirt for the 3rd time this week - I need to do an extra load of washing or she won't have a clean shirt for Friday.
The washing machine is flashing an error code. I'll have to root out the instruction book to see what it is.

Shopping:
I need to do this week's meal plan.
Don't forget Child 1 refuses to eat pasta.
Don't forget spouse is on a diet.
Don't forget Child 2 needs ingredients for cookery class on Wednesday.
Parents are coming for a barbecue on Sunday, so I need to plan what we're all having and how much to buy for that.

That's just off the top of my head. There will be loads more associated with the 3 examples you gave. And those are just minor, tip of the iceberg things. What about everything associated with kids and pets? all the kids appointments; knowing when they're due a dental checkup, knowing when they need a haircut, new uniform, outgrowing shoes, what activities they do and when. Remembering when the dog needs flee medication, booking the dog's grooming and vet appointments. People's birthdays, presents, christmas cards. Life admin. Planning activities and holidays and days out

In short, it's the "thinking" work that needs doing before you can actually do those "physical" tasks you mention above. The actual tasks themselves take no thought at all, apart from "I think I'll put the washing on".

Trust me I'm that kind of man that does all of those things when I am home

Well I wish you'd mentioned this when a PP suggested you take on the mental load 2 days ago 😂 It would have saved us all a lot of time in our lengthy posts and we could have suggested other things instead!

@Wafu I think you're supporting her brilliantly already and you must take care of your own needs too as being deployed must be very stressful for you

To put things into perspective- I have had a surgical menopause caused by having my ovaries removed with sudden and much more severe symptoms than natural menopause and for over 18 months I had no HRT at all. I was also primary carer for my husband who had had extensive neurosurgery after a diagnosis of a large brain tumour at that time.

We didn't receive a lot of help and don't have much family who could offer help or support.

But - we supported and helped each other as best as we could and in fact, grew closer because of it.

I worry about some of the replies here saying 'oh but you're not doing this, you're not doing that'. Ignore them. The fact that you're here and feeling worried says enough about your commitment to your wife and how much you care about her.

Not everything can be blamed on the menopause and I strongly do feel that it's her who's lacking in her support of you. It's a two way street and it sounds like she needs to seek extra help for herself, if indeed she's open to that and doesn't get angry at the suggestion.

Thankyou, I can cope without the support as long as I know that she cares and will be there when I get home. She doesn't have to tell me that she cares it would just be nice to hear off her from time to time to ask me how I am doing, I don't think that's me being needy after 12 years of marriage, I'm not asking for all her time just 30secs of a day every now and again.

I hope that doesn't come across as rude because I don't mean it to be

Please don't call yourself dumb. You did in a previous comment. You're not dumb, just uneducated in this part of life which isn't your fault.
You sound like a great guy and I think your message to your wife was lovely!

Just try and go a day at a time. Try not to pressure her into telling you how she feels about you. Watch the Davina McCall documentary.

44 years old, married 23 years 3 children! It’s all about give and take!! Menopause is not the golden ticket to be a twat!!!! Yes it’s hard! But if your posting on social give your marriage the same energy. Sounds to me like she doesn’t care or have the desire( menopause isn’t an excuse)

I agree totally - it absolutely isn't. I think @Wafu deserves much more out of his relationship than he's getting. It can't be all one sided.

Thankyou all for your help and advice but my wife has just left me after 12 years, she has no feelings for me anymore