Peri menopause and husband issues

[MumOf3kids85]

I need some urgent advice as my marriage nearly ended 2week ago, I’m at a loss and starting to dislike my husband!!!
I am 39 years old and been struggling this last 14 months mainly with peri menopause symptoms. I saw the GP last year after nearly having a damn breakdown and they started me HRT (fsh levels higher than should be)then three month later a lady doc took me off the HRT due to weight gain (despite this starting before being on hrt) and upped my antidepressant as they put me on these at same time. Yesterday after constant visits and two new fsh levels of 39.7 being abnormal I’ve been put back on the HRT.
The main symptom that’s causing me issues is that my husband blew up the other week because we don’t have sex often around 2-3 times per week, we both work me part time mornings him all day, that I’m not touchy feely anymore. He knows what and how I’m feeling and even sees the issues during sex such as having issues with being dry as a bloody dessert and tired all time, but he said he understands but he misses it CUT A LONG STORY SHORT HE SAID HE DONT GET SEX ENOUGH AND HE CANT HELP IT HE LOVED IT. This caused a massive argument and it literally was a close call to end things. We agreed try do more things just us go walks etc do stuff together but I never once mention sex will increase as I already told him I can’t help how I feel and it’s hard too for my sex drive to drop so low when it was high, had mental impact on me.
so roll on 2 weeks later and all he’s done is make hints at sex!!! It’s really peering me off!!! If he’s tired or not well it’s fine to go sleep but if not he expects sex and if I don’t initiate it I hear it in his voice he is shitty n now it’s started in the morning!!
we use the good old nookie term, so for example alarm goes off at 6 this morning for work and I said it’s that time already and his reply was “what ,time for nookie “(said in a shitty voice) I didn’t even reply as he has said this every day this week and he got up got dressed huffing n puffing. During the day/evening he bangs on hints about sex, don’t get me wrong I engage n touch/feel like cuddles, walk past swipe his ass and kiss him and engage in our jokey comments on sex but he is just constantly talking about it, like I understand completely where he is coming from and it is frustrating for me and it’s making me feel so down and crap because he’s not happy.
we were watching tv last week, think it was 24hours in A&E(felt like I needed go get booked in A&E for a break) and our 16 year old son had his gf stay over and my husband said our son gets more sex than I do! And he was all shitty cause he had his gf staying!! I had ago and said that’s out of order and he said well it’s sad ain’t it.
like wtaf am I supposed to do he’s peeling me off, I honestly am starting to now not want sex with him at all because he’s constantly turning conversations about sex, anything I say it’s turned about sex, constant constant hinting at sex and getting shitty about sex but it’s ok when he’s not feeling it!!! Like am I wrong should I force my self to be awake and have energy(any advice on this too cause I have non and someone stole my mojo).
I’m 39 never expected all this any time soon and it’s going to break my marriage of 13 years!!

please feel free ask any questions

Ps my symptoms for peri are :
night sweats
lack of libido
changes in periods(length/heaviness)
fatigue
weight gain unexplained
dry dessert box (down below)
frequent uti
dry skin on face and body
feel down
moodswings (never in my life had these)
irritable (not my husband)

How horrible for you. Others will come and discuss the main points of him being awful to you, but on the vaginal dryness you should be being prescribed an oestrogen cream. This is also helpful for preventing vaginal prolapse later in life. I’m so sorry he’s being so unpleasant.

You arent the problem your husband is. That man needs to get a grip and look at the big picture. I'm slightly younger and not peri yet and our sexlife has massively dropped, due to kids getting older and little to no privacy plus I'm just not there mentally like I used to get. We used to have a great sex life but I'm so bloody exhausted with other stuff going on and when my husband was whinging on I made sure to tell him that being pestered has dried me up something shocking. Like it's impossible to be in the mood if the person you are to have sex with is acting like a bloody annoying 14 year old. I would point out to your husband how unattractive his behaviour is and that if this is how he is treating you when you have early menopause issues then he may buckle up. Does he just not understand menopause? Would he act the same if you had other medical issues?

Hi thank you for taking the time to reply and your advice/info is appreciated.
we use to have or still do when it happens have good sex and my sex drive was higher than his and if I have ago he goes off like a toddler in a tantrum, he’s like arguing with a kid, seem to reason then goes back to his tantrum.
I just don’t understand if I spilled my feelings and explained it all and that I feel crap for how the peri menopause is making me feel why after we agree to spend more time doing stuff together (we were set in boring eat sleep repeat ways mainly due to work and life, why he suddenly feels that my sex drive is instantly repaired and it makes a difference from prior to the argument, like nothings changed but it’s like he’s gone into overdrive.
I have my youngest (16 yr old)who is going through tough time with a serious health problem with his heart and as well as we are grandparents to my daughters child, life’s busy and stressful but it seems to not effect his energy yet I have zero, no motivation or drive in me.
I use to be the life and soul, the idiot stupid things I’d say and do but a great laugh and now I’m not and that alone kills me because I don’t feel like me anymore. I think what makes it worse is he actually took me to the docs last year because I absolutely lost it smashed my phone up cause I couldn’t cope with how I was feeling with the mood swings felt down and didn’t want be here and he saw this and it made him cry!! So why he’s being like this I don’t know. I love him to pieces but I feel he’s being selfish but question myself is it him or is it me!!

Hi thank you for taking the time to read my post and give the advice you have. Can that cream be used along side the HRT patches I am on? Everol sequi do you know? Can I request this from the GP or is it an over the counter?
in regards to others commenting I’d love for some men to comment to give their perspective and advice! I love my husband, sexually attracted to him but this behaviour is starting to be unattractive.
I was the outgoing, funny idiotic life and soul of our house and I’m the opposite now with how this perimenopause is making me. Obviously I do still laugh but I am not me anymore!

Yes I believe you can have it as well as the patches. If you’re still not yourself perhaps another form of HRT would work better?

MEN PLEASE COMMENT:opinions, thoughts, point of view from man’s side welcome too!!

It’s not you. It’s him

Thank you I will enquire. Also when I was these patches last year by 3rd month I started feel better in things and slightly sex (no desert) but then taken off again so I’m hopeful they work again, started it today so crossing fingers I start to feel better in all my symptoms soon.
thank you very much.

He’s very selfish.

But have you really used “dessert box” to refer to your vagina??????

Hi thank you for commenting.
yes I did refer to it as that, unfortunately a rate I haven’t lost of stupid names for things 🥺 not usually what I’d call it 🐱 but not sure on the wording would be acceptable on this forum and I need advice and help so it gives a clear description 🥺

Omg!!!! Lmao noooooo desert not dessert 😂😂😂😂😂

Does your husband usually show this level of non-empathy about other matters? Because he sounds utterly selfish and a bit of a pest. Sorry not to add anything more constructive. Other posters are correct regarding oestrogen cream.

Hi I’m crying laughing here and I really didn’t read it correct it is defo a desert it no longer is a dessert 😂😂😂😂

Hi love the username btw.
thank you for commenting. He can lack empathy and understanding sometimes but over trivial stuff not important stuff. I just don’t understand he knows how I am feeling and it’s like he seems to think it all should have changed just because we had a bust up, as serious as it was. That’s not how hormones work and if I’m not mistaken I don’t get to chose how I feel in this respect, if I do I’d like to know how.
I have sent a request to the GP for the cream also 😀

So he's selfish and a repulsive sex pest. Is this seriously more pleasant for you than being single?

It has been crossing my mind to pack up take my son and go and be single or join some sort of clan for no sex pestering. I love him to bits and don’t want it to end our relationship but what the alternative will be is it will either end or he’s going look elsewhere because like I said to him I’m obviously not making him happy with this and he agreed so I’m like obviously I’ll try my best do what I can but I can’t control mother natures casted spell she had on me.

I mentioned this in another post... it really is a no-win.

From your perspective, you simply don't have the urge, and him mentioning it, pushing for it, maybe even trying his luck against your wishes, is REALLY off-putting. You can't easily increase your libido, and would you really want to force it anyway?
From his perspective, sex has been regular, so he sees it as a sudden loss of interest, rejection every day, and a fear/realisation that this might be his (sexless) life now.
Imagine if you went in for a hug, and he said "yeah, I'm really not feeling it". That would devastate most women.

Obviously, you shouldn't do it if you don't feel like it, but as much as he SHOULD be empathetic towards you, it goes both ways.

When women come here saying their husband isn't interested in sex, they're told to leave, that life is too short, regardless of the reason (cancer husband and affair post a few days ago).

Don't get me wrong, he's a twat for pushing, but I feel bad for both of you, neither signed up for this.

OP, when I was on a dose of oestrogen that was too low my emotions were also all over the place, on top of everything else, so it was doubly hard to not be extremely wounded and hurt by people being horrible, on top of being exhausted, anxious and having pain. Can you afford to go to a menopause specialist? The weight gain is peri, not HRT, though the wrong HRT will contribute. Often women need much higher oestrogen doses in peri, particularly if it starts younger, which it has for you. Can you ask for separate oestrogen and body identical progesterone? Might suit you better.

Track how you feel across the menstrual cycle and see if you feel better at times when oestrogen is higher or lower, or when progesterone is higher or lowe, and it will give you more idea of what's going on and what to ask for in terms of dosage.

Your DH is being an arse, no doubt about it. If you had a debilitating illness would he still be like that or would he try to make your life easier and be more understanding?

Thank you for commenting and your spot on. I can also say that he suffers from thyroid issues and when he relapses he’s evacuated and sec happens once a week if lucky but I’ve never got shitty with him I have empathy and always said I’d rather lay cuddled up it’s not all about sex and been supportive and now it’s my turn I’ve been honest about how I feel in my self and how it’s made me feel as in losing my high sex drive, not being as intimate with him as I’d like to be and explaining I can’t help how I am feeling but expressing I want to be how it used to be but it’s like he just wants what he wants and now, not giving it time or even acknowledging the fight I’ve had with GP to be put on hrt or help with symptoms. I do look at it from both sides and not just mine.

Hi thank you for commenting and the info and advice you suggested.
I am back on hrt as of today inform of patches. I can’t afford a specialist and NHS is slow.
I don’t feel like my emotions are over the place as in take things wrong way or I bite at anyone (husbands words not mine, he says I’m just sad and down) yet he can see this? I do feel like I’m up and down emotionally and with general life and this issue it makes it feel impossible to find a solution and if I’m frank I dread weekends and I now dread waking up cause his sarcasm is now also then and I know he is “expecting” sex when it comes to not having to wake up, he lays there and gets shitty if I’ve not woken up when he has and also if I do then initiate it he says he’s getting up and ruins the mood n who wants sex with someone who shows they in a mood ?

The main symptom that’s causing me issues is that my husband blew up the other week because we don’t have sex often around 2-3 times per week, we both work me part time mornings him all day, that I’m not touchy feely anymore

This is coercive and abusive.

You don't have to have a medical excuse here.

The fact he's not understanding makes it worse.

Hi thanks for your comment, it did cross my mind at one point (I am survivor of dv ). But he says he understands this is what I don’t get, he’s seen the state I was when it all began last year he saw I didn’t want be here anymore the mood swings and the feelings like I don’t give a f and no patience and my periods everywhere, he said he understands but now his actions show different. I hate the weekend he will expect tonight and in the morning, on rare occasion he will say well just cuddle but rare as in once every 3 or so month!
I content lose my marriage over Mother Nature crap I just want support regardless sex or not. Hope that made sense.

Thank you everyone for comments, advice and thoughts on my situation.

My missis is going thru this nasty menopause sh1t,, we, before all this started was at it all the time at every opportunity and also lots of innuendos,,,,,the last major session, my woman commented on how her inside jacky danny felt a bit unusual from the norm, Ive read ALL about it previous and knew what was happening and told her, she was a little shocked that I knew

From then about 8 months ago, its been non existent, me being me as still fancying her like f00k is dying to shag her but I understand what shes going thru and if she's lost that urge then I'll just have to wait, its proper frustrating in more ways then one but hopefully with respect and patience there's light at the end of the tunnel, shes worth wait