Can relationships survive the menopause

[Lucylou784]

My sister is menopausal and we’ve always been very close since we were little and never fallen out but since starting the peri she’s taken a steep u turn in the last few months and now wants nothing to do with me and I seem to be a big source of irritation for her, we fall out all the time. Everything I do and have done in the past annoys her, I’m not saying I’m not irritating but it’s been such a sudden change. I want to be there for her but that actually seems counterintuitive. My DH suggested I give her space which I will but I’m just wondering, will these feelings subside? I don’t want our relationship to be ruined forever because we’ve always been so close. Just wondering from those with experience, if your family relationships / friends etc can survive through it and come out the other side in tact

In my own experience, as women get older they are less likely to put up with bullshit. Less willing to put themselves out for people who don't deserve it, don't appreciate it, don't reciprocate. Less interested in investing time and energy into people who don't make them happy. For some people, less patient and more irritable, definitely. Menopause just amplifies everything, really.

She's probably felt this way for awhile and now feels less inclined to pretend she's OK. That's my guess, anyway. So rather than blaming it all on her being a hormonal monster, I'd consider what the underlying problem might be, and try to tackle it with her.

I'd agree here

When you go through the menopause it gives you weird clarity. You know what you do and don't want anymore, what works for you and what doesn't and you no longer have the patience to pretend otherwise.

Yep, this.

Have you tried talking to her along the lines of 'i really value our relationship, I can see things aren't right and am wondering how I can resolve it with you, if you are unhappy with anything I'm doing, please say as I would want to put things right if I can, can we talk about it?'

Okay fair enough, I hear that. Some of the things that she is irritated about are fair enough, maybe I’m finding the anger in which she’s getting her point across harder than what the issue is if that makes sense and also the loss of a close relationship is always hard

That sounds hard. It can be a time of very intense emotions for sure. I'd like to think most women can put a lid on them most of the time, and tackle problems civilly and constructively. But have definitely read posts on here from women who are finding it really difficult to control their rage, they barely recognise themselves.

One thing I wouldn't do is mention to her that you suspect hormones/menopause is at play. That's pretty much guaranteed to set her off!

Not completely true about clarity, there is also a level of intolerance and lack of empathy for peri menopausal women, I know I'm 8 years on the other side . My SIL fell out with every member of the family, she would literally pick a fight over nothing, could not see anyone else point of view. It was 5 years of walking on egg shells around her. Fortunately she sought help and is like a new person. Unfortunately one of the relationships within the family has I think been permanently damaged.

When you go through the menopause it gives you weird clarity. You know what you do and don't want anymore, what works for you and what doesn't and you no longer have the patience to pretend otherwise.

This is the best description I've heard.

This is interesting, I'm 54 & for the past few years I've found my sister much more irritating.
To be fair I think it started over Lockdown when we had very different opinions. Also our family situations are quite different now, whereas I think we pulled together a bit more when we both had younger dc.
She can get on my nerves the minute I see her at the moment. Obviously I try very hard to hide it!
She tries so hard to be that 'nice' person who always sees the other side of arguments & is pleasant to everyone that I often leave feeling like a moaning old bag!
In short I find her exhausting.
Just occasionally they'll be a glimpse of the old dsis, then we drop our guards & it's great but that doesn't happen often.
I limit our time together now.
Strangely I'd not really put it down to the menopause but it absolutely could be. We're also in that dreadful stage of elderly parents becoming unable to cope properly at home so we'll need to pull together soon.

One of my friends got very angry at the beginning of it all (although divorce happened at same time so she had just cause for some of it) and she became quite hard work to be around. However a couple of years down the line and she is back to being herself again. She still gets angry but the base rage level is much lower! Your sister may just need time and space.

this

They question often isn't "can relationships survive the menopause" but "should relationships survive the menopause"!

Women are so programmed to please everyone and keep the peace, right up to the menopause when many actually become their true selves at last. Independent, confident, knowing what they want and don't want, and finally freed from the restrictions of caring what people think of them.

Sounds like your sister can no longer be bothered wasting time going through the socially acceptable motions.

Good for her.

Accept her on her own terms now, or not at all

And yes, give her space. Why wouldn't you. She has clearly told you that is what she wants

Hmmm...really?

What happens if you're taking HRT?

I don't recognise these comments and all my friends are in their 60s.
Some on HRT, some not.

My opinion is that as we get older, disregarding menopause, we just can't be 'bothered' any more with people who are moody, selfish, inconsiderate. We just want a peaceful life.

I agree. It's nothing to do with menopause, and I knew what I wanted and didn't want long before menopause came along.

None of my friends are any different to how they were in their earlier years.

Menopause seems to be used as an excuse for everything these days, and the way some people talk you would think it has only just been invented, rather than something women have been going through forever.

Oestrogen is the hormone that allows you to care and nuture. Once that's gone or lower it's a lot easier to not give a shit.

Also anxiety can get really high during meno

I don't think it is talked about as though it's just been invented!
I think the difference is that it is talked about now, which was never the case before.
All the shared experience was strictly hush hush with surreptitious mentions of 'the change' if it was referred to at all, and anyone suffering with it mostly struggled alone.

But grumpy old sharp tongue women have been around forever too.

Okay thank you everyone that’s actually been very very helpful. It’s made me realise I need to sort my sh*t out basically

My theory is that all the hormones that persuade you to tolerate and even adore your children (past the night wakings, the toddler screaming, the small-child illogic, the teenaged moods) are switched off at menopause. Bingo, your tolerance for other people's shit also plummets.

You can also become sharply aware of your mortality and that your time is finite - so you don't want to waste it.

I used to be a real peacemaker and mender of fences. Just can't be bothered now. It has been vv liberating with regard to the ILs.

All that being said, sometimes the menopause just induces crabby behaviour due to lack of sleep, brain fog/frustration and so on.

So it might be OP or it might be OP's sister. No way of knowing which without the two of them having a conversation.

But it's nothing to do with the menopause, unless you're talking about mood swings in peri.

It's called 'getting older' which just happens to coincide with menopause.

To me, it's the equivalent of clearing out your cupboards or your wardrobe.
You begin to understand life is short, you have friends who die, you're often coping with elderly parents, work and a whole lot of other stuff.

And you just start to filter out people or things that don't enhance your life any more. And focus on the people you really care about.

Yes this makes compete sense, thank you for your reply. I think there’s a little bit of both going on from both of us but I’m in charge of myself and can only sort myself out. You’ve all passed on a bit of your clarity!! I’ve been defensive because of the anger I’m feeling from her but actually there’s some things I need to change and think about

I don't agree at all the menopause is some time of wise clarity. It's the other side of the hump (the first side was puberty!). It can drive you fucking insane and makes some women so unpleasant. Maybe we all just become more exaggerated versions of ourselves with time but I think the hormones make it more intense.

We can't tell you if it's you or her, op, but it could well be her. And hopefully she'll improve if it is.

And it is scary that our relationships come into danger precisely at the moment when they're likely to become more necessary.

Menopause can give clarity but I agree with @OptimismvsRealism that it can also make people lose the plot. I certainly wasn’t myself at all for a year, the clarity came after.