Menopause -- just how bad is it?

[Ippagoggy]

I'm in my early 40s now and I realise that it might not be long before I go through the menopause. I've listened to podcasts, done some reading, but sadly don't have anyone close enough to me to ask about their personal experience of it (my mum died when she was fairly young and my family is very insular). So I thought I would turn to the anonymity of the internet!

I know that everyone's experience is highly individual and will depend on both genetics and lifestyle. However, I'd love to hear from people who have gone through it and come out the other side... Just how tough is it and how much did it impact your quality of life? What advice would you give to a daughter or close female family member to prepare? Did you need HRT?

I worry that when reading online articles etc. there could be a tendency to over-represent the negative side; after all people don't tend to write articles about what is plain-sailing. So I'm really hoping that there will be a reasonable segment of the population with responses that say 'Actually, it wasn't too bad' or 'It was inconvenient and there was a year where I felt out of sorts but then I got through it' or similar. (Perhaps wishful thinking, but who knows).

Thanks in advance.

One that I’ve never spoken about - my orgasms went away during peri, like they happened but just as a muscle spasm with no pleasure attached. HRT brought them back and it was such a relief!

Has anyone read this? I've been recommended it re. Menopause..

Hagitude: Reimagining the Second Half of Life amzn.eu/d/05DcMRmC

And this one?

Wise Power: Discover the Liberating Power of Menopause to Awaken Authority, Purpose and Belonging amzn.eu/d/04l2hgag

How long is a piece of string? Everyone is different.
But there is a current narrative (to sell products, books, private doctors) that makes out that it's always awful, women are victims etc etc. Which is quite misogynistic, if you think about it - we're not all wilting flowers!

So women who do experience symptoms are now able to get prompt help and support - all good.
And many women have no symptoms at all. Having had patchy periods for years, mine started again at 48 and stopped at 56. That's it. Nothing else to note, and I'm just delighted to be period-free. Menopause is liberating, and a time when you can finally enjoy not having all the faff and not caring what anyone else thinks. So don't believe everything you read, and embrace it.

Oh, and I haven't touched HRT, because I have no symptoms and I'm not ill. Therefore no Nedd to waste anyone's time and money with doctor's appointments and medication.

It was possibly misogynistic before by refusing to acknowledge menopause. Or referring to it in hushed tones as 'The change, you know.' Or male colleagues making fun of women and criticising them for 'Going through the change' or 'It's her age, you know.'

At least now, there is an open conversation about it, even if sometimes it feels it's gone too much the other way.

But- look at it this way- this forum wouldn't exist would it, if women were 100% informed and didn't need help, would it?

The British Menopause Society says that 75% of women have symptoms and of those, at least 1/3rd are significant and long term ( ie up to or beyond 15 years post menopause.)

Also, it's really worth recognising that women who don't get hot flushes and symptoms during peri do often find they have diseases in later life that are a direct result of loss of estrogen - like osteoporosis, heart disease, pelvic floor deterioration and even MH issues.

57 and nothing really of note. I have had Mirena coils since my mid 40s so no periods since then. Had a bit of a spell of mild anxiety in my late 40s. Occasionally wake up sweaty in the night but not full hot flushes. Nothing else of note, no aches and pains, brain might not be quite as sharp as it was but nothing major. No tiredness, I sleep well.

Have not read either of those @Treesnbirds , any book titled 'Hagitude' sounds interesting though. I did read Greer's 'The Change', she was anti-HRT then she took it herself 🙄so more recent editions may reflect this. I thought it was a very powerful take on the older woman and she maintained that the diminishing of female desire was a force to be celebrated. Very interesting on how high levels of oestrogen make us biddable, which has been mentioned quite a lot upthread! She has described the years post menopause as 'becoming more like the girl you were' and I can relate to that.

She has described the years post menopause as 'becoming more like the girl you were' and I can relate to that.

Omg I didn't realise she had said that but I've been thinking similar recently, even down to leisure activities and interests, so it's definitely true for me.

I'm 54 and in month 2 of HRT. I've been peri since probably 2016 aged 46. I've been avoiding hrt as I had DCIS in 2016 and a family history of breast cancer (my mum died aged 46). The WHI debacle meant that it wasn't an option for me for those years. I've done OK since 2016 but only OK.

My main symptoms were fatigue and what in the last 6 months became crippling anxiety and overwhelm to the extent that pre HRT I was at the point of thinking I would have to give up my high level job as I just couldn't cope. I've never been anxious before and it has vanished with HRT

The BC evidence is altering and I had a private health assessment with a GP who was quite evangelical about the pros of HRT. She had also suffered from overwhelm. She thought I would be eligible - I've had a double mastectomy so I don't have much breast tissue left. Anyway long story short, I paid for a specialist private meno appointment with a doctor experienced in the BC risk and I've gone for it.

I feel fantastic and I'm back to being the woman I used to be. My partner missed her and I did too, I hadn't realised how much life I had missed because I was fatigued and overwhelmed. My hip pain that worried me has also vanished. I'm still working through getting the progesterone levels right but I'm interested in life again.

I raised fatigue over and over again with various GP's in my late 40's with no recognition re peri. At 49 I specifically said to a young, female GP that I thought this was peri but because I've never had a hot flush it was discounted. She tested for menopause which I clearly wasn't as I was still having regular periods... That was only 5 years ago.

I'm really pleased that we are now talking about peri and menopause in a way that we didn't. I really hope that those that follow us are more educated than we were and get to make informed, supported choices.

Don't be scared, it's a stage of life that is natural, accept the changes as we did at puberty and at pregnancy but know that there are options to help.

(Ps low carb massively works for me in terms of weight, meno belly and blood sugar stability).

We also don't have to go back very far to a time where "woman of a certain age" ended up in asylums or "suffered with their nerves".

There might be a view that the narrative has shifted too far but I suspect for those of us who have lived through different times it is still very welcome.

Many of my Mum's friends, born in the 1930 - 40s, suffered from 'nerves' and spent 3 decades (after age 50) on Valium and sleeping tablets. Some were housebound with anxiety.

This.

I'm 44 and definitely experiencing perimenopause symptoms.

I didn't start to go through the menopause until I was in my 50s - periods finally stopped around 54 (after some months of flooding as described here - very heavy periods, but only lasting a day or so as if it was everything coming at once!). I then had about a year of hot flushes - nothing too debilitating. To be honest, I find being free of periods, PMT, ovulation pain (very useful when trying to conceive, but literally a pain otherwise) and all that palaver a blessed relief. Haven't bothered with HRT as just haven't really felt the need. Among my friends there have been a mixture of experience - some have suffered more badly than others. I agree that all the publicity these days can make make something that didn't used to be talked about at all feel rather alarming. DH keeps asking me anxiously if I'm sure I'm OK which I think can only be a good thing as for some women it is clearly very hard to cope with. For my part, I found dealing with periods every month from the age of 11 to 54 far more of an inconvenience. I was happy to be done with all that and so are many of my friends. I think the menopause is a bit like childbirth - some women will sail through it, others will struggle, but you can't really tell which category you'll fall into until you get there. I'd say that at 40, you still have a few years to go, but when the time comes the help is now out there if you need it and it's never been easier to talk about it.

I have not experienced any problems with the menopause apart from tiredness and hot flashes, and did not take HRT however now I am 62 and have been diagnosed with Osteoporosis. I now understand that this could have been avoided if I had taken HRT. I did not want to do this at the time as I was worried about getting breast cancer. You really need to speak to your GP and discuss what would be best for you.

Oh yes the 'women with bad nerves'. It's absolutely mindboggling how tranquilizers and even sedatives were flung at women decades ago. Apparently there were more prescriptions issued for barbiturates in the 1950s than for penicillin. So we need to be sceptical when we hear people say 'oh, women just got on with it years ago.' I too remember the female neighbours who kept their blinds shut and who 'didn't go out much' and 'didn't bother with people'. They were probably zonked on pills, in hindsight.

And we also need to accept that many women today are working because they enjoy that, or need to. The one-person-earning family isn't the norm any more. And with elderly parents living longer, women are often very busy in so may ways in their 50s and 60s.

Giving up work around the menopause was something a LOT of women did.
There have been posts here this week from women saying they can't cope at work (but some don't seem aware that there are ways to help that.)

Menopause is liberating, and a time when you can finally enjoy not having all the faff and not caring what anyone else thinks. So don't believe everything you read, and embrace it.

Are you suggesting that people are lying about menopause symptoms? Or that people are saying 'Every woman has terrible menopause symptoms'? On the contrary, everything I've ever read about menopause has pointed out that menopause varies wildly and ranges from none to really bad symptoms. If anything your blanket statement of 'menopause is liberating' is the generalisation.

It's true that caring less about what anyone else thinks is liberating, but that isn't necessarily anything to do with menopause. It's probably more to do with age, experience and stage of life. I hit the 'don't care' point in my mid 40s and am now 52 and not yet menopausal.

I’ve had some mild symptoms that have responded well to acupuncture and herbs. My mother sailed through it.

I'm out the other side, after an early menopause. Didn't have many problems, a few symptoms, didn't feel the need for HRT. Just my experience, it seems like a very variable thing.

It's true that caring less about what anyone else thinks is liberating, but that isn't necessarily anything to do with menopause. It's probably more to do with age, experience and stage of life.

I don't know any older women who 'care less' compared to when they had loads of estrogen flooding their bodies.

Quite the reverse. They seem to become more caring and motherly.

Yes, some women turn into 'grumpy old women' but is that a good thing?

I’ve spent most of my life being sick in one way or another. Severe allergies, cancer, an autoimmune disease, and side-effects from those conditions have ruled my life.

I’m having menopause symptoms. Hot flashes, insomnia, itchy ears, and irregular periods. They are annoying, but at least for me, they are the equivalent of a mild cold when I’m used to having to the flu. Especially knowing it will go away in a few years, it’s hard to get worked up about it.

Not enough is done to prepare one for the itchy ears!

I don't know any older women who 'care less' compared to when they had loads of estrogen flooding their bodies.

Quite the reverse. They seem to become more caring and motherly.

Yes, some women turn into 'grumpy old women' but is that a good thing?

I was referring to 'caring less about what other people think' (as referenced by the poster I was responding to), not 'being less caring' or being grumpy. The liberating feeling of not feeling so constrained by pressure to look or be a certain way as a woman, not caring about whether random men (or women) think you look attractive etc.

There is a direct correlation between oestrogen and oxytocin so indeed it is possible that the urge to care in the pure sense does diminish in some women as they go through the menopause if they do not take HRT.

so in my experience it’s caring less about others opinion but also not feeling the urge to care/to take care/to provide for others at the expense of your own needs

every woman’s experience is personal….but there is a taboo about women not caring for others and important to understand that there can be a biological driver