Friendship problems in peri

[AnnieCookWriter]

I'm interested to know whether anyone else is finding it hard to maintain freindships with other women in peri, when you are there yourself. I've had a couple of long-standing friendships that are now really sticky and I think it's possibly because we are all experiencing different hormonal quirks and bangs that affect our moods. I'm less tolerant, and so are they, and even though we know its a 'thing,' that may or may not pass, tempers are fraying over the silliest things that would never have bothered us before, and I wonder if we are going to be the same people at the end of the process, or whether these relationships will be causualties of it. Is anyone else going through this? It's horrrible, feeling like I'm in a minefield every time I say or do, or don't say or don't do something that annoys one of them. I don't walk well on eggshells and I feel like things are out of my control.

Yes, I lost a very good friend during perimenopause. I snapped at her- once I hasten to add- and she basically never forgave me. I explained my symptoms, apologised profusely but the friendship was never the same again.

She said she didn't believe I snapped because of perimenopause as she had no symptoms and thought the whole thing was made up!

I lost a good longstanding friend that was about a decade older than me as she behaved completely unreasonably in my view, and I just couldn't get past it in order to continue the friendship. With hindsight she was probably in the throes of a hormonal shitstorm and I had I known what I know now it might not have been terminal, as I could have applied some understanding.

interesting thread. I am in the throes and feel snappy 🙄not with friends I hasten to add but with family. How long does his phase last? I'm on the progesterone pill to suppress heavy periods but have been in peri for a few years. I'm 52. Please tell me the irritability will pass (soon).

I can relate to this. I am post-meno and on HRT. I've let nearly all my friends go over the past few years for one reason or another. At one point I lost 3 friends over what I thought was a serious lack of trust and loyalty, another triggered me when her alcoholism started affecting our friendship. I've got back in touch with one friend who I lost touch with about 10 years ago and we're gradually seeing each other again, but to be honest I now have no-one I can confide in. I can honestly say that if something dreadful happened to me right now, I could only turn to my older siblings or my (adult) kids for support. To my mind, though, this has little to do with being menopausal and more to do with finding that people aren't on the same wavelength as me, so I let it go. Lots of friendships only get started when you have kids at school etc and then when they're grown up, you suddenly realise that you have nothing in common any more. I do feel lonely sometimes, but I've got used to doing things on my own, holidays, fixing things in the house etc.

I started HRT and within 2 weeks it had gone.

I stopped my HRT a month ago and all those symptoms were back within a week. It was horrendous so I started HRT again and within a few days I was fine.

Some women experience symptoms for the rest of their lives, some women adapt to the lack of oestrogen. Some lucky women don't even have any symptoms in the first place!

For me it's the opposite, I've made the best friends I've had since school/uni.

No not at all, if anything it's brought me closer to friends as we can discuss the various bodily and psychological changes we are all going through. I can't imagine being rude to one of my friends, despite any hormonal changes - if you are so out of control that you are losing friendships, it's probably time to seek a medical opinion. I don't know of anyone age late 30's onwards who has suddenly has a big negative personality change. What exactly are you and your friends saying to each other anyway?

Female friendships during menopause (particularly women who share similar experiences) create a deep sense of empathy. It allows women to feel seen and heard and alleviates the sense of isolation that sometimes accompanies menopause.

In some cases yes, but obviously not all?

I've seen women talk about this in a FB group I'm in, it's definitely a thing. florain I'd explore hrt options if I were you, my emotions were volatile before I started. I was also kind of paranoid about what friends or colleagues might be saying or not saying or reading things into what was said, all of it was nonsense and just tin my head, but I can see how people could easily fall out about very little, or ease off on contact to avoid unpleasantness or just not want to hang around with someone who is quite negative.

I'd say friendships are getting better, partly because offspring are grown and leaving home, so we can be more flexible about where and when to meet, not having to consider school pick-up, children's activities, or just not being able to leave them unattended, etc. Some friends are evangelical about HRT, but everyone seems accepting we aren't all having the same experience.

yes, we have been friends for twenty and thirty years, but I think its a hormonal thing. We're not in normal mode, hormonally, I don't think - that's why I'm asking.

Never in my life have I heard of this!

Maybe your friends just aren't very nice.

that's the challenge, we are all experiencing it very differently. I'm sorry she didn't understand you, that must have been painful.

That's a good lesson, I think, since we all have friends of different ages. We're not always in a place of understanding for others. I know when my mother went through it, I had no idea how to help her and she didn't know how to ask for what she needed from anywhere. It tore our relationship apart. We never recovered. Mindfulness helps, and we are mindful, but I'm not sure that's enough. I hope it will be.

Yes, I think the wavelengths are changing. One friend I can only actually take in small doses, becasue she is very full-on, and I find that now I am questioning whether its appropriate to keep going because she is really annoying me. I think its MY drama with that, and not hers, but I'm no longer sure. I think its a shame to let friendships go, but if they no longer feel good, I guess it's time. I'm just not sure whether this is a phase, or whether our 'evolution' will leave us all permanently in a different place than where we were before, and unable to get back on track. I do worry about throwing the baby out with the bath water...

Nothing specific, its just a general impatience and frustration across the board. Nobody is being mean, we're just not connecting well at the moment, and everyone's faults and feelings seem amplified. I don't know if that's temporary as we all go through this, or whether it will mean we are no longer connected enough to stay friends, at the end of the process.

Paranoia is an interesting word for you to use here, as I think there is definitely some mis-reading going on between women in this situation. I used to worry so much about what other women think. I don't so much now, I speak my mind more, and some people in my orbit are having a few problems with that, beause I have changed from being the quiet one who didn't want to rock anyone's boat, to being sick of others rocking MY boat. One freind says she doesn't understand me anymore, and when I told her I was struggling to understand her too, she told me I was deflecting! This is a friend I've had for a very long time, so I let it go, but it wasn't comfortable, and I just wonder how many oher things will come up that we can't see eye to eye on anymore, and whether its just hormonal influences that are temporarily screwing up communication, or whether we really are evolving into people who won't have much in common anymore..

They've been nice enough for me to have had for decades. My point is that as we go through hormonal changes, we are finding it a challenge to relate to one another as easily as we used to. If you've never experienced discord with a friend, that you couldn't easily explain, I think you have been incredibly lucky. Mosts of us do have that challenge at some time, I just never expected to have it at the same time with two people who have been in my life for most of it, when the change is affecting us all.

some of my long-standing friendships are just fine. We are on great wavelengths together, but there are a couple that I have stopped gelling with, and it makes me sad. I'm hoping its just temporary because I would miss them so much if at the end of this process there's no common ground anymore because our hormones have settled on us in different stages or we feel differently about the things that kept us connected through decades...

I'm finding that sharing with some friends is bringing us closer, but not all. I'm not out of control, as one person put it in here (??) and neither are my friends. We're just experiencing changes in mood and that is affecting our ability to relate to one another. I'm just not sure if its permanent, that's all.

Hi OP, I wonder if some of the snappiness is on group chats, or in group contexts?

From my POV (44, think I'm at the start of peri) I find that I do better in 1 on 1 social engagements at the moment... Large groups can get fractious fairly easily with lots of interactions that different people can interpret differently.

In your shoes I think I'd try to move your focus away from big group conversations to individual chats, lessen the amount of energy and time you're giving to the people you're finding annoying, and focus on those you are getting on well with.

Lots of the skill of living well is in changing habits once they stop suiting you, not defaulting to "that's just how things are"... You might just need to re-think your habits around these friendships and try to make changes that will suit you better going forward.

Best of luck

I hear you OP
I have felt similarly to you over the last couple of years, with my oldest friends, not so much the friends I have made as an adult.
I have put it down to my decreasing tolerance ... things that I have been able to see as 'it's just how they are' for years are things that I no longer tolerate in friendships.