Desire to be alone

[John51]

Hi, I hope you don’t mind if I ask in order to try understand some things better.

My wife has been going through peri menopause for quite a long time.
We were both so ignorant we have only recently realised this as reason for why she’s been struggling so much.

She has now become emotionally detached from myself and the family. She speaks of an overwhelming compulsion to be alone. I have gone part time at work to take over running the house and remove as much pressure and stress from her as I can and free her up to rest and be alone.

However, this desire to be alone gets stronger. Initial weekends away and time left to be peaceful upstairs are now turning into many days away and out much of the time.

She’s now, not known to me, used her life savings to start the process of buying herself a small place to go live permanently. She says she feels broken and needs to heal and discover what she wants from life. Her plan is to move there and still have me in her life. She has thought no further than moving out. Finances, work, long term consequences disregarded. She says she can’t think that far. She becomes very upset at any thought of losing me, just can’t be around for long for and feels a relationship is too much to handle at the moment.

She loves me and the kids and doesn’t understand why she feels this way. I can see the genuine distress in her, it’s almost a panicked flight response. When she’s at home we get along great. We’re are each other’s best friend. She has apologised to all of us and asked us not to take anything personally.

I’m wondering if anyone else has felt like this? If so, did it ever change? Does it get better? Did you move out? What did you want most from your husband during this time?

I am trying to understand and support the best I can but am so worried about everyone and everything. I have asked her to see a GP with me and she has agreed. I do not want to push too hard or place pressure on her, though.

Any insight would be most appreciated.

Sorry you've had no responses. I'm menopausal and my experience is that I just feel flat, a shadow of who I used to be. I also have a desire to be alone, so I don't have to pretend to be ok. I have no answers but it feels very sad to be at this point in life and feel as if there is nothing to look forward to or get excited about.

Yes agree. I fantasise about it.

It's like there's nothing that will ever get me excited again.

This seems quite an extreme response but every woman experiences menopause in their own way. Not sure that checking out of family life is going to help you move forward though. Do you think she wants to eventually as buying a new home seems semi permanent?

That's so sad, OP. Perimenopause changed me so much, I didn't recognise myself anymore! I understand the wanting to be alone and peaceful as the usual day to day felt overwhelming. However. I realised I couldn't carry on like that and whilst HRT has helped with the physical symptoms of perimenopause, it didn't do much for my state of mind. I now take a low dose anti-anxiety tablet each day (fluoxetine) and that has made a huge difference. I feel much more like myself now and I just get on with my day as before without even thinking about it. I feel more cheerful and calm and the irritability has gone.

I hope your wife finds a solution that works for her but yes, she definitely needs to start with her GP.

I have the desire to be alone. I'm a single parent so I can't get as much as I would like. I've gone through phases of irritability, rage, withdrawal, flatness...

HRT has helped enormously, but it doesn't alter the fact that this is a life change that demands respect and attention. Things can't go back to how they were. The desire to be alone is not just some weird hormonal blip. It's more that the hormone changes cause the blinkers fall off and you see things how they really are, and realise what your life has become. For me, it was seeing how much I've given away in service to others, and how much other people have been utterly thankless about that and do not value my time and energy. I was, and am, no longer prepared to give myself away like that. It might be something different for your wife, but what I'm trying to say is that there are real, external reasons, which she can now see.

It's a huge life change and I don't really have an answer. I do know that if I was in a relationship with someone at this stage of my life it would only survive if they accepted my need for autonomy and space. She needs to go through this and make changes. In some ways you are a bystander to it, but in other ways you will have to change too. It sounds like you already are and are doing your best to support her. But a word of warning: never do that really annoying thing of telling her about everything you've done ('darling I've unloaded the dishwasher, darling I've given up my job for you'). In perimenopause we see through that shit.

This doesn't sound like menopause in the way most women experience it.

How old is your wife? Does she have all the common symptoms of menopause? Peri menopause usually ends around 51-52 as most women are post meno by then (although their symptoms don't end then.)

It's good she has agreed to see her GP. My personal take on this is she needs therapy with a professional counsellor.

You sound very caring but it's actually quite shocking that your wife is using what is 'joint savings' (you are married) to move out and buy herself a house. To do so without your agreement and consideration for any long term impact on your life too, is not acceptable.

Have you not called her out on this and said how selfish it is?

My other thought is that your marriage is over but she won't own up to that.
This seems like a passive aggressive way of ending your relationship.

You say she gets upset at the thought of losing you, but she is actually doing everything she can to separate from you and lead her own life. So there's a mismatch going on there.

Does she work? How does she expect to fund her single life away from you?

You sound very patient, yet many men in your situation would be furious.
It really does come over as if she wants a divorce but won't own up to that.

However, this desire to be alone gets stronger. Initial weekends away and time left to be peaceful upstairs are now turning into many days away and out much of the time.

Have you considered she might be seeing someone else?

Several of my similarly aged friends have expressed the desire to be alone so I do think it's a fairly common thing and I can categorically say none of us are having affairs! I think @TreesWelliesKnees has got very close to articulating how I feel.

Thank you for replies so far, you are all being helpful.

This is a very hard thing for men to understand. I am trying to learn and adapt as fast as I can and not always getting it right. I am hurting and confused and worried about everyone.

I try not to say “I’ve done this or that for you”. I generally just do it or tell her she the most important thing to me and of course I’d quit work if needed.

She does sometimes accuse me of guilting her but it’s not intended or shit to see through. Regardless of what she’s going through we do have joint responsibilities, I need to mention them at times.

I think often us men are clumsy, many of us try our best and motive is well intended. We are often left confused or when told we’re doing something for another reason. Fact is both men and women often struggle to understand each other.

Yes, she is changing and tells me that. Yes, there are other factors and she has had enough of caring and nurturing and feels many have been thankless. She says she wants no more obligation or responsibility to anyone.

Buying house is a concern, it will affect all of us very much. It means all future plans will be gone and we’ll both struggle financially plus the kids not have the start we wanted to give them.

In trying hard to gauge how difficult this all is for her whilst acutely aware of just how awful life will soon become for myself. It is very difficult to understand what seem extreme measures that to my eye will cause great damage. The thing I find so confusing is we still get along great. I am really trying to get my head around this in a way I can support her and be there for her without the negative affect for myself and family creating I’ll feeling.

@John51 I honestly don't think this is anything to do with the menopause, as such.

It comes over as if your wife is having a 'mid life crisis' where she's reassessed her life including her marriage, and doesn't want that life any more.

I notice that you've not said how old she is, how she's supporting herself, or if she's working.

You sound as if you are taking the 'blame' when maybe you need to be a little more forceful with her over what she's doing - spending what you hoped would be your children's inheritance.

My guess is she's met someone else.
Where does she go when she disappears for the weekend?
Hotels? On her own? Do you know much about what she does?
How do your children feel about her behaviour?

My 'advice' is you 'man up' a bit more, and talk straight to her about the future and tell her she's being unreasonable.

If she wants to live her own life she can't have it both ways- you on the backburner presumably to support her financially and as a comfort blanket.
If she wants to live alone, you should consider divorce and a fair division of your joint assets.

I'm sorry if this isn't what you want to hear.

I think you need to be a bit stronger and blunt before she buys this other house, that's totally out of order and potentially nothing to do with hormones or peri.

Yes I felt I needed to be alone more, I spoke with my DH about how I was feeling and had some time away, but I also went to the GP started HRT did some therapy and worked on myself and my family. Took responsibility for the changes happening and accountability.

She can't just leave you like this and take the money? I'd be a bit suspicious of another man to be honest this is rather extreme behaviour.

Yes, she is changing and tells me that. Yes, there are other factors and she has had enough of caring and nurturing and feels many have been thankless. She says she wants no more obligation or responsibility to anyone

When the hormones drop a lot of women feel they’ve had enough of nurturing. Oestrogen and progesterone contribute towards nurturing.

Im sick of nurturing and sick of housework. I wish l could go and live somewhere alone for a bit.

God id love one of those posh garden rooms to myself.
Dont worry op, all us menopausal women feel similar.

Mind you, your wife does sound a bit extreme..

I’m with @JinglingSpringbells While menopause can mean a very flat low mood and make you much less tolerant of your fellow beings, your wife’s response is way outside the norm, and the impact she’s having on you and presumably your children is unacceptable.

Time for a serious talk about formal separation. I know this isn’t what you want, but it may be what she is actually doing and you don’t want to sleepwalk into it.

👏👏👏

Working part time to take over the chores at home is very extreme, unless your wife is physically ill (and you don't mention any of her symptoms).
Surely this is impacting on your income, as a family?

I do actually think this is normal, but many women numb out this urge with anti depressants and HRT. I think with the fall of oestrogen levels, so falls the urge to take care of others.
I am going through the menopause and am single, which l am grateful for as l have no desire to be around others for long periods of time.
I think you should allow your wife her own space, with no pressure and see what unfolds, as the grass might not be greener.
I wouldn't go down the road of thinking someone else is involved, most women l know who are going through menopause this is last thing on their mind and what they are wanting to escape from, not attract.
I understand how painful and difficult it must be for you, and l hope you have support. It could just be temporarily, who knows, but it is not uncommon.

Thank you both. At the beginning I was a bit more forceful. It pushed her further away. Advice I’ve had is to be supportive and patient. For the last month I’ve done that and she came closer again. Appreciative I’m giving space. If she gets the space she comes back recharged and happier and good company. The flip side is the more space she has the more she seems to think moving out the the answer to her problems.

She tells me she feels overloaded. Like she had nothing to give anyone. Any pressure on her she can’t cope with. Her work is degrading. She’s losing things all the time. She can’t cope with any kind of multitasking. I very much feel any more forceful approach will result in her simply disappearing.

She’s 52.

I don't think menopause/mid life crisis/depression mean you can just check out of life and your responsibilities.

I had an awful perimenopause - I got help and medication - the HRT really helped. My husband was patient but had his own issues at the time so I couldn't just check out of life no matter how much I wanted to.

I think there's bigger things at play here. My husband had depression and sounder similar for a while, we both went to the GP together to discuss it.

OP you don't say if your wife is on HRT? This might help her a bit?

@John51 Has your wife taken any responsibility for her menopause symptoms?

Has she seen her GP? Will she consider HRT?

There is a LOT of advice online and she would help herself if she read some of it.
If she was to ask for help- here or on other forums- she'd get support.

From the outside, her behaviour is extreme and comes over more as a relationship problem (that may be exacerbated by her hormones.)

There are, sadly, a lot of men (and women) who thought their marriage was fine, no problems, but one party was harbouring long term resentment. This only comes to light when one of them wants 'out'. And sometimes it takes another person (man or woman) to push them to leave.

Being very honest with yourself, could this have been brewing for some time?

I've noticed you have sidestepped the suggestions by me and another poster that she may be seeing someone else. Have you considered this?

There is a lot here that's extreme.
You've had to give up working full time (so how's that affecting your family income?)
She's going to buy another home for herself out of family savings.
Her children are upset as their Mum is effectively leaving.
She's spending time away and it's not clear who with or what she does then.

Are you being a bit head in the sand perhaps?

Have you had very honest chats with her?

Hi sorry, not side stepped, just at work.

Yes, I have considered all possibilities and am aware this is extreme. We have had very open chats and what I gauge most is she doesn’t really understand what’s going on and is searching for reasons as to why she feels like this. Firstly external reasons but is now looking inward.

Could it be an affair? Yes, of course but I don’t think so.

Could this be a long term relationship problem? I don’t think so. She does not want to split up and tells me she loves me. She’s asking for patience. She wants us to be together and work out.

I am hoping we can get to a doctor in the new year. This is obviously beyond me and needs professional input.

If she really wants to stay with you, then surely she has to put a stop to the house purchase? Has she had an offer accepted on it?

Do you feel it's unacceptable that she's taken (presumably) hundreds of thousands of pounds out of your savings to buy a house and not even told you of her plans (until the purchase was underway)?

Have you suggested that her behaviour is linked to the menopause?
Is she open to trying HRT or therapy?
Why would she not try those first before effectively leaving you and her children?

I have gone through this and feel like I'm definitely on the other side now. I do understand the lack of excitement about things and feeling depressed. Mine was mainly feeling that my body had a mind of its own. Whether or not I ate I still gained weight. I'm coming up to 60 and throughout my 50s I experienced a lot of changes. I lost both parents I moved house I had relationship problems with my husband. Last child leaving home. It all gets a bit blurry what with dealing with poor sleep from hot flushes. Feeling anxious and generally if anything else comes along to deal with on top of it all then it's overwhelming.
Fast forward to now I have a purpose. Well quite a few really. I religiously go to the gym as much as I can and focus on myself. I'm proud to say that I fit into my clothes beautifully now my stomach and defined slim waist is back. Post menopause your hormones do eventually settle down. It's different for each woman though when that time is.
I get a buzz from buying dresses to go out in with my husband. We have the house to ourselves and take short breaks in the sun as often as we can. We also have 2 gorgeous grandchildren who we think the world of. What also got me through is a low dose Citalopram which controls which controls body temperature to help hot flushes and dampens down my anxiety and I will take it for the rest of my life as it's been a complete game changer.
I hope your wife will eventually find something that gives her some purpose and fulfills her needs. I was lost for a long time before I worked my way through this. It's like walking through fog. You can't see or feel much and you just feel like you're existing. It really is a challenging time for women. I hope you both can find your way through it together. Regards to you both x