Desire to be alone

[John51]

Hi, I hope you don’t mind if I ask in order to try understand some things better.

My wife has been going through peri menopause for quite a long time.
We were both so ignorant we have only recently realised this as reason for why she’s been struggling so much.

She has now become emotionally detached from myself and the family. She speaks of an overwhelming compulsion to be alone. I have gone part time at work to take over running the house and remove as much pressure and stress from her as I can and free her up to rest and be alone.

However, this desire to be alone gets stronger. Initial weekends away and time left to be peaceful upstairs are now turning into many days away and out much of the time.

She’s now, not known to me, used her life savings to start the process of buying herself a small place to go live permanently. She says she feels broken and needs to heal and discover what she wants from life. Her plan is to move there and still have me in her life. She has thought no further than moving out. Finances, work, long term consequences disregarded. She says she can’t think that far. She becomes very upset at any thought of losing me, just can’t be around for long for and feels a relationship is too much to handle at the moment.

She loves me and the kids and doesn’t understand why she feels this way. I can see the genuine distress in her, it’s almost a panicked flight response. When she’s at home we get along great. We’re are each other’s best friend. She has apologised to all of us and asked us not to take anything personally.

I’m wondering if anyone else has felt like this? If so, did it ever change? Does it get better? Did you move out? What did you want most from your husband during this time?

I am trying to understand and support the best I can but am so worried about everyone and everything. I have asked her to see a GP with me and she has agreed. I do not want to push too hard or place pressure on her, though.

Any insight would be most appreciated.

Jinglingspringbells, trust me, I’ve thought of all of this. No, I am not happy at all about what is going on. I have been advised by a couple of therapists I spoke with to swallow my hurt and anger to try cope with my wife.

Yes, I’ve suggested behaviour could be linked to menopause and it wasn’t well met. She is starting to look at a few things herself now.

Yes, logically one would try everything before doing what she is doing. She us absolutely not her usual send at the moment, though. She’s seemingly acting on overwhelming feelings and emotions rather than thoughts.

One day she can’t stand the sight of me, the next three days she’s fine. It’s all very up and down and she dies not yet fully understand what’s going on with her.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Therapists are supposed to facilitate clients to find their own solutions, not tell them how to behave. If you are your wife decide to choose therapy, look for a full member of the BACP (apologies if you have already!)

I hope perhaps you can help your wife to read about menopause and if it's behind her behaviour.

A good place to start might be the Balance App (Dr Louise Newson) and her website.https://www.balance-menopause.com/menopause-library/

I'm sorry to say OP, but it sounds like your wife if having an affair,
Disappearing for days on end on her own is a massive red flag, yes you are going to get on when you are together because she wants the comfort of your marriage whilst also wanting the excitement of an affair.
Regardless, (I hope for your sake I'm wrong), but you need to set some strong boundaries, checking out of life when you have kids is not acceptable, disappearing for days on end is not acceptable, using (stealing) joint life saving to buy a second home is not acceptable.
If a man had done any of those things, most of the posters on here would have rightly said LTB.
Setting boundaries will probably hasten the end of your marriage, but at least you will know where you stand.
Also get a solicitor and sort out your finances,
Really really tough for you

Thank you again all for your time and responses.

Much I have left out because I feel a sense of discretion even though this is anonymous. Some things about my wife I want kept private. Suffice to say the last thing she will currently be doing is having sex with anyone. I very much appreciate concern and advice but I am positive there is no affair.

I have known her for 35 years. I see she is very much struggling and absolutely wracked with guilt, which is killing her. I gave myself to her for better or worse and I intend to stick by her no matter how hard this is. She has told me repeatedly she needs to do this for herself and it is the only way we can survive this. She is a very strong and smart woman. I do not understand what is going on but am very much trying to do so and stay strong and secure enough for both of us. If I become weak through this we will fail.

I do know, through reading elsewhere, that what my wife in experiencing does occur through this change of life. It has taken me maybe too long to see how much she is struggling. She is strong and hides things well. I do now recognise she is in crisis and must prioritise her well being whilst trying to keep the house together.

I question the ethics of trying to force someone to see a GP, we all have a right to free will and choice. I do not and have never wished to try control my wife. Frankly, woe betide me if I ever did. However, I do feel it is an obligation to currently try sway her as it feels unethical not to try do so.

This is the view of a man, though. A man who has no idea how women truly feel and no true idea what it is like to bear children and menstruate or go through menopause. I’d be a liar and charlatan if even attempted to say I did. I live life with every day being the same emotion and feeling. It is very easy in that regard. Wind or rain or sun or snow. It is water off a ducks back. Morals and ethics and duty and responsibility and most of all integrity and honour dictate action and choice to me, and all good men. Feelings no. Pain no. Hardship no. We put them aside to do what we consider the right thing.

I am not saying women do not posses the same qualities. Just that I, as a man, will never fully understand what it is to be a woman and go through these times of life.

I really want to try understand what my wife is going through, though, and appreciate all insight and replies.

@John51 If you want more info on menopause, the link I left is good. If you click on it, there is a section on MH and depression. https://www.balance-menopause.com/menopause-library/

If your wife is open to understanding her emotions, rather than just taking time out away from you all, could you persuade her to read the website? You could say you had googled and found it.https://www.balance-menopause.com/subject/mental_health/

What you describe about your wife is quite extreme. Many women have mood swings, anger outbursts and irritability, but your wife sounds from your posts as if it's more than that.

Is she poorly informed about the menopause?
Is it something she's not researched or considered getting help with?
All of this could magically change if she takes some action- maybe trying HRT or CBT/counselling.

I assume from your other reply to the poster who mentioned an affair, that for you as a couple, sex is off the menu.

If this is for physical reasons (ie she finds it painful) there is simple, effective treatment from her GP or over the counter.

It's quite sad that you are having to ask for help rather than her.
Can you encourage her to reach out to medical professionals and talk about her mental health?

I think that your wife has checked out of the marriage.

It will be a matter of time and she will tell you that. It's more than the menopause.

JinglingSpringbells, thank you very much for the links and information.

No, my wife is not knowledgeable on menopause at all. I’m gently trying to introduce her to literature and information. I feel once she’s sees it may change things. She feels she’s broken and doesn’t understand why. This is why she feels she must go heal herself. She very much internalises things. She is not connecting all the physical and emotional symptoms and instead trying to treat each individually. She feels her body and mind are falling apart and must remove herself to heal.

To be indiscreet, an incessant bleed is why I know she’s not with someone. She takes bedding wherever she goes to stay away so she doesn’t leave a mess for others to clean.

We have agreed to see a GP. I’m am currently searching for a private one that has a lot of knowledge and can give more than a ten minute consultation over the phone in three weeks time.

Thank you for your time with me, it is much appreciated.

Onedicktoanother, maybe you’re right but until the time she communicates that I’ll treat her with the love and respect I always have.

Op.....the falling hormones levels make you less tolerant of other people. I'm sorry you and your wife are going through this. I really hope the doctor can help x

Continual bleeding should put her on the 2 week pathway to rule out cancer.

I hope she becomes open to trying HRT to see how much it helps her feel better. It is a huge shock to find your emotions and feelings have changed so much.

OP she must feel exhausted.

Incessant bleeding will be depleting her ferritin levels, I was baseline anaemic after endless heavy periods last year and it ended up with me breathless, irritable, exhausted.

I'm sure you know that this amount of bleeding is unsustainable.

But I also can't believe she doesn't know anything about menopause at her age. The last two years, the media has been saturated with menopause campaigning and info. She must have friends or colleagues who discuss this kind of thing with her.

@John51 your wife must be physically exhausted if she is bleeding all the time.
Please don't feel you are 'oversharing'- no one knows you are her and women here are very used to all the personal info!

You mentioned that you would like to find a private GP.
I'd suggest you go one step further and look at private specialists/consultants.
You can find them here, by location.

https://thebms.org.uk/find-a-menopause-specialist/

You may also find that posters here can suggest specialists in your location (by private messages if that's your preference) if you need more help.

I'm really sorry for what you're going through, and I probably can't give great advice. But I feel compelled to say that she might need some mental health support and I hope she can somehow still remain living with you.

I am younger and starting to go through the menopause. I have also become a bit of a hermit and just want to be alone. I like being at home alone with my cats. I have no interest in men anymore and don't especially want to socialise. Typically these are symptoms of depression, I know, but I'm not sure it's just that or not. I just want to be alone! I could put it down to other things too. That's why I say to get her some help, even private psychotherapy if necessary, rather than spending money on a new house. Or she could look forward to occasional weekends away in a spa? All cheaper than a new home! This could just be a phase.

I really hope your wife does engage with a GP or menopause expert. Do try and explore all avenues and don't just dismiss your GP, at my surgery it is the nurse practitioner who prescribes HRT and spent ages with me discussing symptoms and then suggesting which HRT would be appropriate. The bleeding does need a referral also.

HRT is not a magic bullet but it has really helped me, the full benefit can take up to 3 months but I felt some benefit within about a week. I hope your wife can get the support she needs.

Dear John,

I perfectly understand you. As I am going through perimenopause and feeling exactly the same. Wanting to be alone all the time, and that's the only times I can feel happy and balanced.

I am so ashamed, because I have the most fantastic husband and kids, and a beautiful home. I feel very guilty and sad about my behavior. I hope we get through.

I also try to get as many alone time as possible, with going away for a few days from time to time. We also bought a 2nd home a few hours from here to reside at least one week a month.

I feel terrible about all of this. Perimenopause is a mean and strange thing, and hormones can do the weirdest things to women.

I'm sure your wife loves you, and you are a wonderful husband.

Don't believe the other people here who say that she is seeing someone else or doesn't love you anymore. That's not true at all. The truth is that most women are blurring the devastating perimenopause feelings with hormones and antidepressants.

Wishing you lots of courage and love!