Overwhelming Sense of Grief (Possibly Menopause Related)

[batkeeper]

Will be posting this on a couple of other forums as it difficult to know where to put this. Not sure it is entirely menopause related but here goes...

Don't want to be too specific here because it could be outing. I'm definitely in the depths of peri-menopause and feeling utterly awful. This isn't bereavement related though I have experienced this type of loss and been floored by it.

Yes, I take HRT including testosterone (due to be reviewed next month) but one of the aspects I am struggling with is a sense of loss at various points in life.

Hard to explain but the loss of missed decisions of having lifelong anxiety which has dictated many decisions/choices...inaccurate choices including the completely wrong degree (not that I know what the completely right one would have been). Relationship choices everything...I now see have been largely dictated by the trauma I experienced in my early years.

And only recently beginning to identify what my actual interests are (and still work in progress at the age of 50). Only recently learning the art of self care. Unfulfilling career in spite of degree but with no particular skillset. With mental health difficulties it is so difficult to pull things around...my confidence is rock bottom and it seems as if I'm isolating myself. I don't work and I know it would be good to volunteer somewhere but I get the sense that I am just trying to fill in time.

Secondary school being horrific where I was relentlessly bullied/ostricized and home situation too but where there was no way out = no choice.

Of course I am grateful too, not least for my dc. But I feel grief around that - they are getting older/time passing the prospect of empty nest in the future.

This isn't meant to be a pity post...more along the lines of...can anyone relate to assessing their lives all of a sudden and feeling a sense of sadness/regret around grief/loss of control/decisions made. I guess most people have this about some aspect(s) of their lives but it is like I'm facing a huge wall of grief all of a sudden.

I am enquiring about medication shortly as I have most likely entered the realms of depression but just wondered if anyone has experienced this too?

Hello. I can sort of relate to what you are saying. It seems to me that along with the ceasing of periods, we go through a reevaluation of our lives. As you say, things that happened and then shaped us, we can now see the cost we paid.

I think it is natural to be honest, and a stage that is supposed to serve us.

In your case, you can have a proper unafraid look at what happened in your life and the effect it all had, and what you lost and the roads you chose. But now, with this second half of life, you get to be more mindful of what you choose and what you allow to drag you down. We are stronger and wiser now, and more resilient yes? It is time to see the truth and be brave.

I think also the more the losses matter, the more we get to say, you know what? NOW I am going to build the life I want and should have had all along.

No advice really OP, just sympathy. I relate to that sense of grief and regret - about time passing, choices I've made, feeling a bit like motherhood has whizzed by and I'm dreading an empty nest.
I don't know if it's depression or hormone related or a natural feeling in response to a bit of a crossroads in life.
Go easy on yourself 💐

Medication isn't necessarily the answer for grief, are you having counselling OP?
I think you're right, we do grieve for things where there is no actual bereavement and I have definitely experienced that kind of grief.

I get you op.

My mum died last year and a severe amount of navel-gazing has indeed brought up thoughts of my own life not lived fully, the failure of my marriage, not completing my degree, empty nesting teenagers, only another 30 years of my life left, realistically.

Not sure if it's peri (I'm deffo in the throes but not taking anything yet), my thyroid, life in general fucking me about or what, but yeah, a bit shit all round.

Thank you so much for your replies. I wasn't sure where to post this - either in menopause or mental health forum.

I think also the more the losses matter, the more we get to say, you know what? NOW I am going to build the life I want and should have had all along.

I think this is good in theory but first of all you've got to know what constitutes the life you want and secondly you've got to have the right frame of mind and confidence to make changes. It feels like a horrible circle. I admire all those people who can suddenly make a career change etc.

Also, you can't dictate who you have in your life. I joined a couple of groups but I don't particularly look forward to going along to them - they are activities I enjoy but I haven't been able to make any decent connections and I think this matters a lot. I have a couple of friends but they are wrapped up in their own lives and I see them sparadically. Life just seems like (and could be) a series of activities to fill in time.

And yes, I have therapy.

TBH you might get more help from counselling or working with a coach to turn around your thinking patterns.

If you are having therapy maybe it isn't the right sort if it's not helping?

Have you considered working with a coach to help you identify some goals and an action plan and who will support you?

The menopause can really mess with your head. I’m pretty sure I went through some kind of menopausal depression.

I became fixated about the state of the world, climate change and humanity’s utter indifference. Now I can think about it, and although I still feel the same, I don’t feel such deep despair.

I think because the menopause often coincides with less relentless childcare etc, it is often a time for re discovering who you are and the past choices you have made.

At other times it would probably motivate you to make life changes, but during menopause it just hits you as a wall of grief, and effectively stops you moving forward.

I would personally take whatever medication is offered, and remember this too shall pass.

I get you op.

My mum died last year and a severe amount of navel-gazing has indeed brought up thoughts of my own life not lived fully, the failure of my marriage, not completing my degree, empty nesting teenagers, only another 30 years of my life left, realistically.

Not sure if it's peri (I'm deffo in the throes but not taking anything yet), my thyroid, life in general fucking me about or what, but yeah, a bit shit all round.

Yes, absolutely. Sorry to hear about the loss of your mum.

This is how I feel though not quite there yet with the empty nest bit. I guess I have always been prone to naval gazing but it is much more severe now. Focus is now on loss including as you say being nearer to death and the reality of that.

Trying to appear happy and involved for sake of children (and be in the now) but I get the sense of this isn't forever. I also get the impression (judging from current situation) that I won't have anyone around me in terms of friends to travel with etc. when empty nest does strike (dh is older than me). He doesn't get any of this...he is in a different place and content with his hobbies.

It feels like I'm set up for quite a lonely old age with this mindset and not being able to turn things around. Likely to be one of those parents who 'calls frequently' on dc and I don't want to be like that. I talk to a couple of older ladies now and again who say they can go days without talking to anyone (apart from the dog in one instance). I find this a bit scary is this just me...I probably need to grow accustomed to my own company more but this isolation thing brings it home to you that if you don't make the effort no-one else will.

Not thyroid, I've had that checked.

Likely to be one of those parents who 'calls frequently' on dc and I don't want to be like that

Im 59, my ds is 29. We text every day. I’m not sure that’s a bad thing?

isheabastard

Yes, that is it exactly...the state of the world and the indifference.

At other times it would probably motivate you to make life changes, but during menopause it just hits you as a wall of grief, and effectively stops you moving forward.

And this.

I will be accepting of medication because this feels awful like I'm in a detached world and can see how things really are (and in my head it's all pretty bleak, the state of society etc).

Wish I could believe it will pass. I feel ineffectual in doing anything to change my situation...but good to hear it did change for you.

Likely to be one of those parents who 'calls frequently' on dc and I don't want to be like that

Im 59, my ds is 29. We text every day. I’m not sure that’s a bad thing?

What I meant by this is living on the doorstep kind of thing. There is another thread running about parents living close by and I reckon I would likely do that and I hate the thought of being a burden.

Can totally relate op, like you I have been grieving a life lost due to childhood trauma, so many wasted years, huge amounts of sadness, the anger, so much frustration about how things could have been different or better for me if I had been wanted, loved & cherished. I am late 40’s, struggling to know what to do & feeling like I don’t want to do anything, I am trying to be OK with this as my main priority right now is to feel/keep myself safe. I do spend a lot of time in collapse/freeze mode as my mind & body gets easily triggered or overwhelmed, one foot in the past, one foot in the present, lost not knowing which way to turn.

originalnuttah

I have a lump in my throat reading your post because our experiences sound so similar. And yes to that missing wanted, loved and cherished feeling and how things might have been different. Struggling to know what to do and feeling like I dont want to do anything - yep another big tick there. I'm trying to be ok with it too but still there is this critical voice along the lines of well if you don't do anything to change the situation nothing will change. And also trying to keep myself safe...this is how I feel too.

I'm finding I'm spending a huge amount of time on mumsnet instead of 'getting out there' wherever 'there' is. This is such a horrible place to be. I remember fondly now, how I just use to keep on the treadmill of work and looking after child. Gave work up (priority was children/dh's job/childcare) plus work demanded full-time hours eventually. Now children still do need input but are at school. But I didn't see it from a different perspective...I guess I was just getting on with life. I should feel a sense of freedom but I don't just a huge yawning gap to fill. I'm clinging to my children in a sense whilst attempting to try new things. Maybe it is linked to past childhood trauma and living through them. Whatever it is, it is really depressing. My husband can't relate which makes things feel like I really am on my own with this.

I want to connect with the couple of friends I do have. Low mood just makes me feel like I will be a burden. Thanks for all your honest open posts. I'm sorry to hear others are struggling too.

I totally see where you are coming from , I turned 50 last week and I’ve been with my partner 20 years . I’ve been full of regret for a terrible first relationship, and various other things .

I'm talking from my own perspective here, but have you considered any SEN? Long story short, my child has been diagnosed with autism. Reading about it has shown me at least half my family are probably autistic. My DM most of all. A lot of it makes a lot of my own upbringing make more sense. As well as my own feelings on things. Something to consider.

I really do suggest you talk to someone and find some real purpose- maybe just some easy, flexible volunteering or something. It's a cliche but helping others who are in a worse position can be a real boost.

Medication is just going to numb your feelings (and maybe think about increasing the estrogen side of your HRT?)

There must be things you enjoy or have a hankering to do.
What might they be?
Hobbies you could develop?
Places you want to see?

A new career with some retraining?

It's all possible if you want to make it happen.

Do something simple like choosing a new place to visit either on your own or with your H. Go and have a day trip to a new city, or a gallery, or whatever.
Your mindset will only change by actively grabbing life and doing something.

I'm saying this as I know too many people who have had their lives cut short in their 50s and 60s by terrible disease, out of the blue. They'd eat your arm off to have their health back and the opportunity to do the things they never will.
Don't waste the life you have.

I know what you are talking about. I do think though that it's worth checking the HRT doses because it is a lot easier to feel less dismal when that is right.

I totally get that sense of loss about what decisions you could have made differently, how much more 'successful' you would have been if you'd had the solid and happy foundation that lots of others have, how upsetting it is to think that it was never a level playing field. But I will say that at 50 you know that a mood or a situation is not a permanent thing. If you have experienced difficulty and mental health struggles you know nothing is permanent and that like anything else you can ride this out and things will feel different at another time.

Lurking on Mumsnet doesn't help when you're feeling like this because tbh the prevailing mindset is pretty brutal about all kinds of weakness, but the truth is that you are OK - you will be OK - you don't have to be perfect - it sucks for you that you feel bad but that's OK too - and it will change at some point. First step in helping recovery from this low patch along is to read a book or go for a walk or to a gallery or something to engage your mind instead of Mumsnetting. Put good things in there so that your brain is processing interesting things instead of the stream of muddy narkishness that Mumsnet can be if you spend too long here.

And sort out your hormones as much as you can. Something's off whack.

Yes, I can relate to this. More looking back with regrets than looking forward with excitement and positivity. I do think menopause can strip the joy out of life and it’s a slow process to unpick what creates joy as we get older. In addition to past trauma I also feel we’re still processing life post covid and lockdown. I can’t explain it very well but things just don’t seem the same.

I'm talking from my own perspective here, but have you considered any SEN? Long story short, my child has been diagnosed with autism. Reading about it has shown me at least half my family are probably autistic. My DM most of all. A lot of it makes a lot of my own upbringing make more sense. As well as my own feelings on things. Something to consider.

Yes, I did wonder about this. It has crossed my mind. Difficulty is that trauma symptoms can mimic some symptoms of ADHD etc.

Jingling Whilst you mean well, your post smacks of pull yourself together and is not helpful.

I wasn't suggesting you 'pull yourself together' at all.
I did make the point that if you are paying for therapy and it's not working, it's worth thinking about changing to another practitioner. And yes, I did say that only you can get yourself out of this by doing something.

If you aren't using the maximum dose of estrogen- 2mgs- you might want to talk to your dr over that.

There was a similar post to mine making the same suggestions.

First step in helping recovery from this low patch along is to read a book or go for a walk or to a gallery or something to engage your mind instead of Mumsnetting. Put good things in there so that your brain is processing interesting things instead of the stream of muddy narkishness that Mumsnet can be if you spend too long here.

To be fair I think Jingling has made some helpful suggestions.

I empathise OP because I’m going through a similar thing, 55 and feel I’m at at a crossroads in life. Feeling quite down most days and increasing anxiety. And yes real grief about bad decisions I made in life. I can’t take HRT unfortunately because of previous breast cancer.
I’ve decided to find a college course to do, and maybe one day perhaps a degree (I never went to Uni). I do worry about being lonely, but I actively think about ways I will address that.

To be fair, I think you're right, Jingling has made some bl*dy good suggestions. The trouble is I bet Jingling hasn't a trauma based background or possibly a ND background These are the bldy good suggestions I'm actually interested in.

Have you done any inner child work OP?

I suspect the frame of mind you are in OP you aren’t really open to any suggestions, that’s not a criticism just an observation. Carry on with your counselling and I do hope you are eventually able to move forward.