Overwhelming Sense of Grief (Possibly Menopause Related)

[batkeeper]

Will be posting this on a couple of other forums as it difficult to know where to put this. Not sure it is entirely menopause related but here goes...

Don't want to be too specific here because it could be outing. I'm definitely in the depths of peri-menopause and feeling utterly awful. This isn't bereavement related though I have experienced this type of loss and been floored by it.

Yes, I take HRT including testosterone (due to be reviewed next month) but one of the aspects I am struggling with is a sense of loss at various points in life.

Hard to explain but the loss of missed decisions of having lifelong anxiety which has dictated many decisions/choices...inaccurate choices including the completely wrong degree (not that I know what the completely right one would have been). Relationship choices everything...I now see have been largely dictated by the trauma I experienced in my early years.

And only recently beginning to identify what my actual interests are (and still work in progress at the age of 50). Only recently learning the art of self care. Unfulfilling career in spite of degree but with no particular skillset. With mental health difficulties it is so difficult to pull things around...my confidence is rock bottom and it seems as if I'm isolating myself. I don't work and I know it would be good to volunteer somewhere but I get the sense that I am just trying to fill in time.

Secondary school being horrific where I was relentlessly bullied/ostricized and home situation too but where there was no way out = no choice.

Of course I am grateful too, not least for my dc. But I feel grief around that - they are getting older/time passing the prospect of empty nest in the future.

This isn't meant to be a pity post...more along the lines of...can anyone relate to assessing their lives all of a sudden and feeling a sense of sadness/regret around grief/loss of control/decisions made. I guess most people have this about some aspect(s) of their lives but it is like I'm facing a huge wall of grief all of a sudden.

I am enquiring about medication shortly as I have most likely entered the realms of depression but just wondered if anyone has experienced this too?

Yes, I'm currently working on inner child work with therapist. I'm also awaiting the start of some different types of therapy.

I will look at voluntary work. The difficulty I have is that because I take behind the scene sort of roles (thanks to trauma), I can become bored easily, sadly...front of house can be a bit triggering but I'm going to try and work through this. I do enjoy being outdoors some might look at what else I can do in a group outdoors - community gardening that sort of thing.

Agreed, frame of mind is not good. I have some very clear messages coming through in my subconcious, one being 'You're not enough' 'Not good enough' I do have a good level of education but never achieved career wise as such. So much to work through. It is frustrating that at 50, I am still working through this (and likely will forever more).

Hello op, I hear you, I understand what you describe, the stuckness you are experiencing are symptoms of the trauma. It’s not your fault, your body & mind are protecting you, they are acting as if the threats are still imminent. There are some well meaning people here, unfortunately many are unaware of the effects of childhood trauma on the developing brain, the damage it causes, we are stuck in two time lines, frozen. There are lots of good resources on line regarding trauma, I will add some shortly, I would read, try to recognise that this isn’t your fault, I know this in itself can be difficult but try take the pressure off yourself, try to soothe your inner critic, I know this to be a huge challenge as we internally berate ourselves so hard, the shame we feel is immense. We need to move gently to change the narrative, give our traumatised inner child what we so desperately needed & deserved back then.

Also YOU are enough 🙂

This book was recommended to me.

https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=living+with+the+legacy+of+trauma&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-gb&client=safari

I’ve been working from this book with my therapist, it’s advisable to work through it with one. The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel van der Kolk is worth a look.

originalnuttah

Yes, there are some well meaning people, I agree. BUT dealing with trauma is something else and all of the casual comments like 'why don't you retrain' feels laughable. Clearly these individuals (lucky for them) have never walked in trauma shoes. That's where a lot of sadness comes in...I wonder how I could have been minus the trauma (from abuse and neglect). Imagine telling someone in a war zone scarred by PTSD to walk back into the situation. Not saying mine is worse, this is not what is meant but Complex-PTSD can be far more tricky to treat as the name suggests. Just today a perfectly nice individual looked at me 'in a certain way' and something was triggered where I became anxious...the eyes were a reminder I think. Some freezing and a mild amount of fawning followed.

And that awful inner critic that is the first thing I've had to try and cull. And yes, an awful amount of shame...why can't I just get over it etc.?

The NHS have been rubbish so far in providing any therapy...I'm battling for treatment...I am ashamed of the state of our mental health services - certainly my local one. So dig deep is the moto it seems because first you've been penalized by those who were there to take care of you and now you are being fleeced (probably thousands of pounds) to try and put it right, so penalized again.

fififizz Thanks for the book suggestion will take a look.

The anxiety is INSANE and making me so tense. My muscles are so knotted up. I'll be 55 in September and recently our oldest moved 3 hours away with our only grandchild. We were so involved in the first year+ of her life. Helping her and husband out whenever they needed anything.

Started doing yoga 🧘‍♀️, took a part time job this summer and hoping all this helps some.

I feel this too.
I don’t think that attitudes to women over fifty help. It feels like so many endings at once. I am late fifties and post menopausal , I have found my mid fifties until now hard for all these reasons, particularly the loss of fertility.

Hate this stage of life.

Unbalanced hormones.
Eldest off to university in September.
3 hours away from parents.
Still got a teen at home.
Job annoying me.
A wealth of health issues ( thyroid and fibroids causing bother I think).

Just hating it all.

I think we need more real life support groups for all of this. Maybe there are some. But the menopause coupled with low mood, empty nest etc. needs talking about and sharing in a group situation I think. I did attend a one off meeting like this and it was very beneficial in leaving me feeling not quite so alone.

Yes, there is such a sense of loss ...the ending of so many things. I feel jolted from one stage to the next and not ready. In my mind, I am a lot younger than my age (nearly 50) but my body is creaking a bit...particularly my knees and I am taking HRT. My iron levels are a bit on the low side, so taking medication for this too.

My daughter (a late teen) is so strong and is starting out in life. I don't feel envy as such just wistfulness of the changes I'm facing (there are difficulties with young age too) but I guess it is the sense of hopefulness at this young stage that comes with it.

I don't know what I was expecting exactly when I was dd's age - some kind of stella career but it never happened and won't now. I learnt from the adults around me that my worth was dependent on what I achieved - I got a decent degree (which didn't give me a particular skill set unfortunately) but thanks to trauma got stuck in admin roles and never really progressed (and when I did it was a disaster). I pride myself in doing my best as a mum (the menopause is throwing a curve ball into this too), I'm finding I'm needing to take a fair bit of time out to stabilize. Lots of ticks in life as far as traditional milestones I guess but lots of things I feel I haven't achieved such as career and the ability to not feel stressed in relationships of all kinds (most likely thanks to the trauma and now the menopause on top).

Existential crisis is huge. What's the point keeps surfacing. Feeling too worn down to retrain in anything. Don't want to do nothing. Plan is to deal some more trauma therapy and see if I can do anything on a voluntary basis that is worthwhile but this may or may not happen and I could end up in a behind the scenes role (again). Acceptance may be key here. Wondering if my strong value to contribute is a legacy of my childhood and so I'm not trusting my insticts.

HRT has helped to take the edge of the anxiety I am experiencing but apart from that has done very little sadly (and yes, getting dose checked out shortly via blood tests).

Thanks for all your responses. I'm sorry others find themselves in this place too.

Sorry for this epic post.

Never apologize we have to talk about all of this stuff that seems scary and overwhelming. Our bodies are seriously going bezerk. I am going to try and find a local support group since I think that might help me more. Honestly just reading that I'm not the only 1 feeling like I'm falling apart has helped me tremendously.

Hi OP. I felt like this when my 50th was looming. Wished I had tried harder with my education, made good career choices. There's so much I would love to do and train to do but looking at mid 50s by time qualified and then worried too old for anyone to employ me. I'm hoping it's just hormones and the milestone age x

Sorry should also add that I've had a lot of trauma in my life. Child abuse, abusive first husband, my brother was murdered just after my 3rd dd was born. My middle dd had a dc very young and the fallout from that was horrendous although everyone is settled and happy now. So every decade of my life has had a major trauma episode. Maybe I need to read the book someone said above. Xxxx

That's a huge amount of trauma wingingit. I hope you have found support in real life (maybe therapy). I'm sorry to hear of your loss, that must have been a dark time.

I can totally relate to what you're saying and have a trauma background too (had loads of therapy) and had many losses. I'd say firstly just accept things as they are- your grief seems an appropriate response. I feel it too and am a similar age. I think it's the end of one stage of life, and grief before the start of the next. We know that grief is a process that turns into acceptance and gets easier. So I'm trying to see it like a transition. Tara Brach and the Rain of Self compassion has been really helpful to me, and I do trauma release exercises.