Nurturing / caring / GAF gene has gone AWOL

[SirChenjins]

Is this another symptom of the menopause? For example, I am pig sick of always being the one they look to for advice which they duly ignore - then come to me for further advice on how to sort out the mess that arises because they didn't listen to me, and then get shirty because I don't care enough to sort out the mess. Or the one who is supposed to know where their favourite t-shirt is (again, don't care), or what to do about the latest boyfriend (ditto), or any number of other things that I am supposed to actually care about. I can't even fake the caring any more. What the hell is going on??

You have my sympathy. My GAF gene is on the way out the door too. Mainly work-related at the moment and I am just so BORED by everything.

What do you like to do? Or not do - I fantasise about being left along to do absolutely nothing.

Like you, I like to be left alone with nothing to do! That's not really true - I like walking the dog on my own or with other dog owners (when he's not being an arsehole - something else which is my fault apparently, because despite him being family dog and everyone being equally responsible it's my fault when he's being a boisterous puppy because they've wound him up before fucking off back to their own lives), reading, my volunteer work, meeting friends for coffee, spending too much time on MN, that kind of thing. A full time job doesn't leave me much time to do anything else much really - but I get you with the feeling of utter boredom. Do I know what's for dinner? No. Do I care? No again.

YYY to dog walking with my headphones on. Also arsehole dog.

Do you have to work FT? Good going fitting volunteering around everything on top.

Yes, have to work FT - job can’t be done p/t. Have considered compressed hours but can’t face the long days. WFH 2 days a week which makes it bearable.

I have no wise words, just solidarity.

I suppose if it is the menopause then it will pass and we will come out the other side with a family who are self-sufficient and capable? Here’s hoping.

Thank you for your solidarity! Sometimes just knowing that I'm not alone and not going slowly mad is more than enough. The old 'behold the field in which I grow my fucks. Lay thine eyes upon it and thou shalt see that it is barren' meme was written by a menopausal woman, I'm sure of it.

I'm heading the same way, really have to force myself to engage sometimes even though the expectations are not unreasonable actually. Oh dear.
One foot in front of the other.

Mine are only 9 and 12 too so got a looooong way to go. 😬
Hoping it's a dip and not permanent.

Yes, especially at work and it's a good job which is flexible and I have a lovely manager but I just don't GAF. I have a sneaking suspicion my manager is the same. I fantasise about being one of these people who walk out of the door one morning never to be seen again. I can't even plan for a big life change that would make me happy as I don't really want to do anything or have the drive to do anything apart from be alone and potter, walk the dog and nap undisturbed.

Absolutely! I'm so glad my kids were young adults, or I'd have been hard to live with. Basically the whole 'takes a village to raise a child' community building side of my personality departed in favour of focussing more on myself- my health, my fitness.

Yup, it’s a symptom. Mine went completely but seems to have been tempered a bit now by HRT which seems to keep my mood more balanced. I really didn’t GAF at one stage and struggled to hide it 🙈 now I’m calmer but strongly feel this should be my time now though I’m early 50’s and have a teenager so am probably delusional.

I find I'm getting quite short tempered in the face of other peoples mess - I love them all dearly but I'm definitely ready to get my house back, to be able to clean and know it will stay clean, to have space to breathe!

I suspect it's more likely a GAF hormone rather than gene.

So long as the things which actually need doing get done by someone, it can be quite liberating.

I’ve found my people! It is liberating, but it’s also quite concerning because I know my lack of concern has upset one of two people quite badly. Although I probably don’t care as much as I should…
My MIL has been really quite hurtful and uncaring over the years and the very last thing I want to do is to become her #2. Hopefully it will pass.

The cynic in me thinks those who are upset by your shift in attitude have been reaping the rewards of the old you.

If the new you is happier and if they genuinely care for you, they shouldn't begrudge you putting yourself first for a change.

I’m not sure I’m happier - I just don’t gaf and can’t summon the energy to gaf. I’ve definitely done the lion’s share with the family - a result of being p/t and therefore at home more when the DC were wee - but when the not gaf spills into work and my concern for others generally that’s not great ☹️

Yes it is normal. The rose coloured specs come off. Shortly after I kicked my sponging, selfish husband out of a 20 year marriage. How I wish I'd lost the specs earlier.

Some degree of depression maybe? That can go with the territory.
Also, if you haven't already, may be worth getting a checkup - hypothyroidism is pretty common in women from menopause on and can make you down and tired.

Mine are only 9 and 12 too so got a looooong way to go. 😬
Hoping it's a dip and not permanent.

My dc are primary school age. I also want to be left alone. I couldn't have children younger/life didn't work out that way and I am so grateful to have them and remind myself I need to hang on to this. But I could cry now watching friends of a similar age with their children well into their teens.

I think it is something to do with fluctuating estrogen 'the caring hormone'. I feel like testosterone has definitely taken the lead. Whilst I like many aspects of who I have grown into, struggling to care in a nurturing way for my dc and being present is what I'm most concerned about in all of this. Can't take HRT unfortunately.

You are definitely not alone op. I'm pretty sure I am not depressed as such, I do think it is hormone related.

I'm not sure it's depression...that's something I've experience on and off for most of my life and this feels very different. It's hard to explain, it's like my ability to be concerned has gone (like my ability to do a handstand or a somersault!) and I feel quite detached from things. I haven't gained much weight (half a stone or so), don't have dry hair or skin, and don't have muscle aches - would it be hypothyroidism if those symptoms weren't there? I can't take HRT either @ReturntoNarnia - I keep hearing about the wonderous things HRT can bring, but because the breast and gynae consultants have strongly recommended that I stay off it then the GP won't prescribe it.

Yes I lost my GAF hormones ages ago.
I don't have the spare energy after a 12 hour busy day.
I was waiting for a parcel I arranged for weds my day off.
Duly waited around..nothing.
Today it arrives and I answer the door in my t shirt and pants.
Postman looked taken aback
Should've come yesterday when I was dressed.!!
I don't care what anyone thinks.
I agree taking my boss as seriously as I should is a mission.

I hear you !
Ive actually Googled islands for sale so I can be left alone 🤣🤣

Me too x

Yep, I've posted about it before (under another name) and there's an article that's usually mentioned on these threads by Caitlin Moran about the link between falling oestrogen and no longer GAF, it's definitely a thing. It's caused some major ructions in my life and relationships because I've had to make changes for my own sanity and am no longer prepared to be all things to all people and sort out everyone else's problems. And I don't gaf about that either, those who object to me no longer being a doormat can fuck off as well!

No solutions I'm afraid OP, I feel ok physically so not considering HRT for now and don't really feel I need to just for this, I actually prefer the person I'm becoming minus the 'caring' hormones. DC are teens and it's coincided with them wanting a bit more independence so I don't think it's adversely affecting them and, although I've stepped back somewhat, I do still gaf about them, just not so much at my own expense anymore. Embrace it is my advice, I'm genuinely looking forward to this next stage of my life and doing stuff that makes me happy, even if that's doing nothing at all

I suppose it’s natures way of making your kids more independent, as you won’t always be here to sort them out. A bit like the mother bird kicking the baby birds out of the nest to fly. The circle of life !