Nurturing / caring / GAF gene has gone AWOL

[SirChenjins]

Is this another symptom of the menopause? For example, I am pig sick of always being the one they look to for advice which they duly ignore - then come to me for further advice on how to sort out the mess that arises because they didn't listen to me, and then get shirty because I don't care enough to sort out the mess. Or the one who is supposed to know where their favourite t-shirt is (again, don't care), or what to do about the latest boyfriend (ditto), or any number of other things that I am supposed to actually care about. I can't even fake the caring any more. What the hell is going on??

Gosh yes this is a symptom. A friend actually stopped me recently and said she just couldn't be arsed. She'd taken two days off to specifically clear a load of junk and diy and just cba. Was this meno? As well as not knowing where to start to clear it.

I now know I'd been suffering from this for a while before other symptoms popped up so don't delay. It got especially bad in late 2019/ 2020 but at the time I thought it was pandemic related. I hadn't twigged that waking up too hot at night was actually a hot flush.

It got so bad I was struggling to feel cosy feelings for my gorgeous then 3 yr old. Hrt really helped. (And I was still breastfeeding. Note to anyone in same position; all Symptoms actually got loads worse when we stopped feeding and I've had to go up considerably.)

Thank fuck it's not just me. I suppose I should find not GAF liberating, but there is a small nagging voice of reason telling me I should probably care about DC3 passing his exams, performing well at work, that kind of thing.

I know exactly where your friend is coming from @WarriorN - I took some days leave from work recently and had a whole load of things planned. I don't think I did any of them, and I find myself staring at tasks thinking 'I wouldn't even know where to start'. DC3 asked me if we could decorate his room - it was last done about 8 years ago, so hardly an unreasonable request esp as the room belonged to his big brother who chose the colour scheme - and I just found myself making all sorts of excuses. 10 years ago and I've jumped at the chance to spend money on paint and fripperies. I just cba.

Yes that's been my experience slowly over time. I have lost my creativity drive too. I don't think it's just having children either. I was making loads of things when my eldest was under 5. I look at friends who are 10 Years younger with kids the same age up all night making cakes etc as I used to despite sleep deprivation and now I cba.

Sparks have been coming back on hrt but I'm not there yet. If I my kids were older I might accept it and roll with it but I'm on the younger side of this and my youngest is only just starting school.

My GAF hormones went the same way as my waist.
I used to love cooking and entertaining, certainly CBA now, I'd rather be out with my female friends.

I’ve just read this post after searching for internet answers and mn answers.I’m fed up, fed up of always texting people first, always being the nurturing relative, friend etc and now I’ve stopped, I hear from no one.I’m also fed up of unorganised people , trying to half heartedly arrange nights out and don’t follow through.I also no longer Cba to do of the things I plan to do in the garden or house when I get any time, which is unusual for me as I’m a doer, but I feel like it’s my time to stop trying to do it all and just take time to do nothing! I feel like I’m becoming a hermit aside from work , dh and ds.everyone and everything annoys me……. It’s gotta be peri?! I’m on hrt patches which helped in first 6 months but feel not as much now.
im not really posting to get answers, just adding my solidarity, my moan!

Welcome @DobbleDobble - come and hang out at the GAF gaff with the rest of us!

Seems like it’s definitely A Thing. Who knew?

I’m post menopausal but still getting the hot flushes. I’m so out of fucks I’m leaving my husband. Yay!

I’m also retired, so in about a years time I’ll be living in my own house. I shall get up when I want, read and eat whenever and whatever. Get as many cats as I want and spout as much GC shit as I want. And I shall avoid the male adult human as much as I can.

@SirChenjins i still trying to figure out if it’s hormones,age, tolerance, post covid …..🤔I’m not sure I like my gaf self at times coz she seems a bit bitter with the world !

Sleepymum50 enjoy your new life.

Similar here, I'm at the (very long) tail end of a big life project which came straight on the back of a previous big life project both concurrent to producing and raising my 2dc, so it's been an intense 12 years.
So that, hormones, new job, age... Its all bundled together and I don't know how much is down to menopause and how much is just general exhaustion.
But I'm so un-fun sometimes, I bore myself! I have to drag myself through almost everything I do and though I can appear enthusiastic I rarely genuinely feel it deep down, I worry about the day when I can't even be bothered to find that.
I don't actually want to be this way, I was more fun before and it was certainly easier when I didn't feel knackered to my bones and had to haul myself along.
My family (dh and dc) are so understanding (of the little I allow them to see) and kind, I feel bad they don't get better out of me, they certainly deserve happy fun energetic me...but where is she?

Oh - is THAT what is causing this? I was put into immediate medically-induced menopause a few years ago in my early 40s and while honestly it hasn't been that bad (and in fact levelled me out mentally), in the last year or so Ive gone hard core DGAF. Its mostly at work - I thought perhaps it was a response to the pandemic, frustration at job and lack of progression, frustration at the state of the world. I think middle age and natural menopause coincides with the first cycle of having seen and done it before, or seeing how all the stuff you were told as a child/young adult (work hard to get ahead!) doesn't mesh with the inevitable disappointments of adulthood. Still trying to figure out what I do GAF about, but until then, its about saying no to what I dont want to/have to do anymore.

Maybe the GAF gene goes awol because we're too bloody tired to care.

I now see why my DM couldn't cope with us as kids.

I don't even have kids and dgaf. I cannot stand any drama at all. We have a lot of family drama and frankly, they can fuck right off.

I read some where that estrogen is a people pleasing drug. So as our hormones change, that's why we start putting ourselves first and not GAF. Definitely true for me.

Yep. It's the lower oestrogen levels. I am no longer the one who everyone turns to for advice because I lost patience with them and got rid of them all. Obviously you can't do this with your own children.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I'm another one who DGAF, despite always having been the nervy people-pleasing type. I can't concentrate on anything for long, which doesn't help. I'm knackered all the time, I don't sleep properly and being sweaty and itchy and achey doesn't do much for my general tolerance level. I think DH is a bit taken aback by how assertive and non-GAFfy I am about chance encounters with rude people, poor service etc. It's not like me. But I'm just not into sucking up shit any more. My kids are young adults now, so my lack of GAF isn't untimely, and it's great just being relaxed with them and being friends.

We should have an ongoing 'GAF gaff' thread, OP. Lots of us on this thread already, and I'm sure there'll be more.

I think I have found my people! Kids are young adults although one has learning difficulties so is like a much younger child.

My sleep is usually pretty poor, peri menopausal symptoms come and go. I have definitely lost my people pleasing skills especially with the in laws! Husband was shocked when I said I would not be cooking for them for an up coming event, yes we can go for a meal rather than me slaving.

Actually would prefer to never cook anything for anyone again.

Actually would prefer to never cook anything for anyone again.

Yes to this.

I do what I call empathy banking. I was that go to person for people for years until I was so utterly worn out and drained by it. Emotional energy is a finite resource though. Now I give out my empathy like banks give out loans to people with a proven track record of deserving it. I will of course listen to people but I won’t drain my self any longer. Definitely less fucks given now.

Oh YY to this. DH has suddenly decided he enjoys cooking and is actually really good at it, so he’s taken over the routine cooking after work - he’s not confident enough to do any cooking for nights we have friends round but that’s ok, it’s not a regular thing so I can cope (and find I like cooking the odd meal). The rest of the time Id be happy to live on bread, cheese and fruit.

Honestly can’t tell you how good it is to hear from others who feel the same - I thought I was losing the plot.

I will of course listen to people but I won’t drain my self any longer.

I have done a lot of this in the past but have absolutely set limits with it. With youngish dc and teen in the mix, I often feel like I need to decompress and with dh's help, I'm at last giving myself permission to do exactly this (as an aid to preserving my own sanity).

My Mil gave up cooking after the DC left home and hasn't cooked since. Think they've lived on ready meals and easy stuff, tho I'm not entirely sure as I've never seen her cook or been over for anything other than picnic-y type food.

FiL baked for a while after he retired, cakes were amazing.

@Wombat27A Ooh love your MIL's plan, I will definitely try and emulate! I would happily live on nice bread, cheese and fruit too.