Feeling like the worlds ended as I’m on HRT

[Tempnamelady]

After months of terrible sleep and night sweats, ive bitten the bullet and the doctor prescribed oestrogen gel ( i already have a Mirena). I’m 51.
Last year saw the breakdown of my marriage to my not very nice DH, and then the failure of my relationship with a lovely man. I’m struggling to cope with the fallout to the point that I’m considering going back to my husband. I don't know why it is but starting HRT has really upset me. I feel old , unloved and scared that I’m might never love and be loved again.
Am I being irrational ? Ive literally cried all day today between work calls. It just feels like another shit thing that’s happening to me on top of everything else.

I'm really sorry you feel this way. Is there anyway you can try and reframe your thinking to recognise that HRT might just give you your life back? If you can start sleeping properly again, you'll have loads of extra energy. This SHOULD be a good thing. Just take it one day at a time

(And definitely don't get back with your ex...)

I've heard HRT is absolutely incredible and works quite quickly (couple of weeks) and you'll feel like a new woman. You'll also probably find you need to up the dose after a while.

I've made an appointment with my GP to get a prescription. I'm 50 and on the POP but feel like never getting out of bed. I went to a talk about the menopause last week and it's made me realise I'm not actually crazy, it's the hormone fluctuations.

Please don't make any big decisions about your life and your ex right now. Settle into the HRT and you'll see things differently. I'm looking forward to you reporting back about how improved things are for you!

I'm sorry you've had a bad time. I'm 46 and started HRT 6 months ago and honestly feel like it's given me my life back. It's been such a positive change and I feel a bit sad about how long I've wasted not being myself. Can you think of it as a positive thing that will help you feel better? Hopefully you'll be able to cope with exDH and the fallout better once you are back on an even keel hormone wise, HRT is definitely a good thing thats happe ing to you.

I listened to a podcast about menopause and HRT yesterday. I’m not at that stage yet but when I get there I’m all over HRT after listening to this. Have a listen, it might help you reframe how you feel.

podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-james-smith-podcast/id1444720680?i=1000543156015

This should be the other way round! HRT - if it suits you - could give you the new lease of life you need. Including increasing your libido. Give it time to start to work.

Thanks. Im actually crying here reading your kind words. I’ve always been an upbeat cheery person despite having a shit marriage for years, i just cracked on with kids , a career and friends. It culminated in me having an affair which I know was wrong, but we’d been close supportive friends for so long and I adored him. It all ended not through choice for either of us and I cant seem to get over it. I’m only contemplating going home because I’m paying a fortune renting and paying the mortgage still, I’m desperately sad and lonely but to be honest too scared to love anything forward.
I feel like I’m never going to be in a relationship again and certainly not one like the one I had and now having to face the menopause has just exacerbated all the feelings ive been having.
Im trying to give myself a shake, I’ve a successful career, great friends and good health, but I just feel utterly defeated and down.

That should read ‘move anything forward’

Get on the HRT ASAP. It worked a treat for me - I was feeling like an old hag and now I feel much better. I've even started to feel happy, upbeat and positive again!!

You're being irrational! The HRT will help.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way @Tempnamelady.

Have you thought about therapy- counselling, CBT or mindfulness?

This reads as if you are grieving for the loss of the 'other man' and extrapolating this into a menopause issue when it's really a relationship issue you have not come to terms with.

It all ended not through choice for either of us and I cant seem to get over it

But one of you must have made a choice to end it.

As PPs have said, your thoughts aren't logical. You seem to be saying that because your marriage is over, and you have spilt up with the 'other man', you feel old and are upset that you now need HRT.

Using HRT is not a sign of old age (any more than using any medication is a sign of old age or failure of some sort.)

You have so much in your life to be thankful for- a good career and lots of friends.

Can you get to the point where you don't feel that having a man in your life is the only point of living? You need to learn to be happy alone, not bouncing around between a nasty husband into an affair then back again. You're worth more than either of those.

I know it's a cliche but it's only when you are happy on your own that you are ready for a new relationship. There is no panic- you are just 51!

This is something perhaps to talk through with someone who can help you unravel your thoughts.

HRT was brilliant for me. If you are still feeling low maybe the dose isn't high enough - that happened to me. I really don't understand why you see taking it as a tragedy. It is topping up a chemical deficiency in your body, it's not a moral issue.

I’ve had counselling but I don’t think it was helpful . I’m not some needy woman who needs a man , I’ve managed to move house twice and manage a demanding job through everything that’s gone on.
Returning to my marriage is because I have terrible guilt at what I did and the final push to sell house etc is just too much for me, I can’t bear confrontation.
But it’s all very well saying I need to be happy alone , but sitting in every weekend when everyone else is out with their husbands is hard. I feel like after being unhappy for so long that I had a taste of it and now it’s gone. And I don’t know why I feel like this about HRT I just do.

So sorry you feel like this. It sounds like a bit of an existential crisis triggered by grief about the loss of your husband and about your own aging. I would look into therapy if you can afford it.
Fwiw I've been on HRT since my hysterectomy aged 41 and hope to stay on it forever.

It's taken me a long time to accept I'd benefit from HRT and even longer to get it (breast cancer in my family) but it's really helped with my sleep and my mood.

It won't fix everything - you've been through a lot - but it is a valuable tool.

Once you've got some sleep and rest under your belt you will feel more like yourself.
Give it time.

Reading your last post shows you a big contradiction.
You say you don't need a man but later on your show that you do because you feel upset seeing other women with their husbands.

Why are you sitting in every weekend? What about doing something on your own that you enjoy? (A walk, a cinema trip, a train ride to another city, a gallery, join a walking group,...so much you could do.)

You're looking for someone to make you happy, despite what you say!

Moving house etc is very different from coping emotionally with a break up of a relationship and creating a happy single life.

This is not to do with HRT, other than the end of your affair has made you feel unloved and 'old'.

Was he married and decided to stay? if not, why are you not together?
Two adult people who want to be together can be, it might cause upset but if they want it enough, it will happen.

Please don't think you can salvage your marriage. You said he was not a nice man so why on earth go back there to try to assuage your guilt?

Returning to my marriage is because I have terrible guilt at what I did and the final push to sell house etc is just too much for me, I can’t bear confrontation.

I mean this kindly but I have read your other posts about your marriage, before, and it's clear it was awful. You had 23 years of being unhappy with a man you describe as being unkind and not pulling his weight, and who has now turned nasty about money.

Please let go of the idea that going back is the answer. Your DH sounds a horrible man.

Push on with the house sale, stop paying out for the flat, and be positive about starting again on your own.

I hope HRT helps you feel less tired and you manage to move forwards.

HRT is a great thing and can help you make a new start!! I hope you start to feel better soon OP.

[quote Roominmyhouse]I listened to a podcast about menopause and HRT yesterday. I’m not at that stage yet but when I get there I’m all over HRT after listening to this. Have a listen, it might help you reframe how you feel.

podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-james-smith-podcast/id1444720680?i=1000543156015[/quote]
Thanks so much for providing a link to this podcast!

As someone who has been struggling for 18months but just recently prescribed HRT the podcast was so useful, it me feel quite emotional to realise I wasn't alone with my intense anxiety and lack of energy (amongst other symptoms).

I started on HRT about three weeks ago so it is early days for me, but I believe I can feel my energy levels improving slightly and am looking forward to seeing how I progress.

Good luck OP

@DolphinDave no worries, I really hope you have great success with your HRT!

HRT is a lifesaver. Put one foot in front of the other and keep on going, op.

@Tempnamelady I totally understand why it makes you feel that way.

But I do also understand that in your 20’s you could go through the exact same thing. It doesn’t make you old, it’s just a body thing. I know a few people it has happened to, they carried on as normal, clubbing but sadly no kids.

Remember, your hormones will be majorly all over right now which will account for a lot of your feelings.

You are the same person, looking etc as you were a year ago, still lovely. It’s just a body thing!

Hope that makes sense! Xx

HRT rocks! I went on it at 45, I look and feel young, my DH thinks I’m the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen, I’m sexy and full of vitality 🤷🏻‍♀️

I've heard HRT is absolutely incredible and works quite quickly (couple of weeks) and you'll feel like a new woman.

For some women, but not all. I don’t think very high expectations are helpful, @OldTinHat. The usual recommendation is to give it three months to see the results and then try another type if necessary.

My HRT took a few months to work (which is what the doctor told me would happen) , it very gradually improved my sleep, my rage and the back ache I had.

Your hormones are telling you everything is shit. Try the HRT and see if you feel better about things in a few weeks. Mine took about 6 weeks to kick in and then everything was rosy again. Then embrace your new chapter like they do in the East and enjoy being a wise woman.