Aged 43 and going through menopause: scared and overwhelmed

[EssexLioness]

Hi everyone, I have a list of about 30 perimenopause symptoms atm and armed with that I got extensive blood tests from go to check hormone levels and rule out any other causes. My most bothersome symptoms are mood swings/ low mood and anxiety, fatigue and all over aches and pains.
My blood tests came back showing I am indeed going through the menopause and my hormone levels are all haywire. I was told that while they don’t know for sure when I will stop my periods etc based on my results they would say maybe the next 2-3 years, maybe much sooner, maybe a bit longer.
I knew my symptoms fitted perimenopause as I have done a lot of reading but finding out I am further along the journey has spiralled me into low mood/ anxiety. I found out Monday but really struggling to process and make sense of my feelings. Is this normal?
I feel like I have aged overnight. I feel unattractive and invisible and I am worried about a sudden change in looks. I know this sounds vain but I worry my husband will stop finding me desirable. I also feel scared for the future: panicking about osteoporosis, heart disease, etc. And generally a deterioration in health over the years before the inevitable. I feel like I’ve woken up and the best years of my life are behind me. I also feel really isolated as no one close to me is going through this yet. I can’t talk to my mum either as she was hugely abusive and we are no contact… but I’m really scared and I can’t even explain why. I find I really want my mum now too (well not MY mum as she’s cruel but a fantasy mum figure I guess who would let me cry and reassure me and share her experiences. I know it’s a normal thing everyone goes through but it was a shock and I don’t feel ready. Not really sure what I want from this post but just wondered if others found it a shock/ blow. I’m not one prone to overreacting normally so I apologise if my post sounds over the top

Oh and I know HRT can help my symptoms, protect against osteoporosis etc. But I’m just trying to get my head round things before I start looking at treatment options. I’m surprised how emotionally floored I feel by all this

I started peri-menopause at 40 and I was quite shocked, too. However, I snapped myself out of it very quickly and got proactive about getting my life back. My symptoms were awful, the worst being crushing anxiety that I had never had before. I started HRT by 41 and it was an immediate, incredible help. All of my symptoms were gone within a week. The anxiety, insomnia, night sweats, hot flushes, brain fog, all of it gone.

I know you feel overwhelmed, but it's honestly the peri doing your head in. I highly recommend you start HRT as soon as possible.

Thank you @Aquamarine1029, sorry you struggled too but glad HRT helped you. I am looking into being proactive with lifestyle changes etc but then something tiny sets me off into complete freak out. But then I’m very emotional, tearful and anxious anyway recently so it’s hard to distinguish between what is hormones and what is a normal reaction

I am also surviving on 3-4 hours sleep a night which is destroying me and affecting my thinking

I know you're struggling, but get to your doctor and start treatment as soon as possible. There is no reason to suffer like this. The longer you wait the worse it will get.

Just offering a handhold OP. My menopause started in my very early 40s too. I had just scaled back my work to spend more time with the DC and we were considering trying for DC3. When my periods started to become irregular I kept thinking I might be pregnant but the tests were always clearly negative. I wasn't very aware about menopausal symptoms and assumed it was at least 10 years off for me. MY DM does not talk about such things and I don't have other female relatives or friends who have been through this. Many of my friends were just starting their families (even friends of a similar age) so once I realised what was going on I felt very alone and old. By 43 my periods had stopped completely and when I spoke to my GP about this she just basically told me to go away and read about HRT then make an appointment if I wanted it. No advice on options, risks or benefits and no mention of how I might feel. It horrifies me actually just how uninformed and scared I was about something that 50% of the population experience.

Over time I have come to see positives in all of this. Seeing friends with teens and babies I realise how stressful that would have been and that my sudden urge for a final child was probably hormone driven. Not having periods is very liberating- no need to worry about how to manage on beach holidays/swimming etc, no worries about being coming on unexpectedly on a day out or leaking when wearing light colours etc, no worries about night time leaks when staying outside my own home. I feel much more myself since taking HRT.

@Aquamarine1029 thank you, you are right. I just wanted to wait until next week so that I might be able to talk without bursting into tears… although if it is hormones then that is unlikely to make a difference

Thanks for sharing and the hand hold @littletinyboxes, much appreciated. Old and alone is exactly how I feel! The amount of times I’ve muttered that it would be great not to have to worry about periods, and now the time is closer I’m worrying about the other stuff. I can imagine once I’m out the other side that things will be better and will be so nice not to deal with periods and the cramps etc. Just spoke to my sister which was nice but she is 9 years younger so is years off all this right now. Still nice to have someone asking how I feel. That’s the first time I’ve had that since I found out. My husband acted like I should be overjoyed and seemed to think it was great news, not sure why! I feel like the life I knew has gone forever, which I know is over dramatic but that’s the truth. Maybe a bit more processing time and a chat with the gp will help

I started peri at 41, but didn’t work out what it was for a few years. I also felt sort of cheated as it was over ten years earlier than the average. My regret is wavering about HRT for years due to anxiety that it would somehow make things worse (it didn’t). Only started last year. Handhold cos it’s not what anyone really expects in their early 40s, but it’s also not hugely unusual and so you don’t get much sympathy/l or acknowledgment.

Gosh op, honestly having no periods is fantastic. It really is. And you can get treatment so you don’t have any symptoms. Try to think of the positives. The only part of your life gone forever is your periods. Nothing else changes.

I went into menopause at 40 and once I got my head round it I went onto HRT. It solved just about all my symptoms. I am now 74, my bones are strong and I am still on HRT. There is life after an early menopause.

Thanks everyone, really helpful. I have been doing a lot of reading about HRT and think I’m going to go for it. Going to book an appointment to chat with the gp and take it from there. Going to ask about topical treatments

I know you can’t speak to your mum about it but I really found it useful to speak to other older women about it. My mum died when I was 23 but I’ve leaned on colleagues, my old boss, my mates mums - they will all have gone through it - some good, some bad - but every bit will make you know that you’re not going through it alone.

I started with symptoms at 43 and went on HRT at 45 after suffering debilitating anxiety, depression, brain fog and joint pain. It’s not perfect, but fixed some symptoms quickly and at 49 I feel able to deal with the rest a lot better.

I had my last period at 40 and my mum had the same at 39. She is now 84 and in excellent health never had hrt and still going strong. I am 59 now, had hrt for a few years but not anymore. I'm still really well too. It's not all doom and gloom.

I started HRT at 41 and felt better within 48 hours. Mine was medically induced menopause so I didn't have peri - just bam straight into it.

I feel the same now as I did before. I still do all the same things exercise wise etc. The only lasting symptom is my sleep is not what it was. I miss my long lie ins!

@SweatyBetty20 good point about turning to older women. I work from home and only older woman in my life is MIL. We get on ok so might talk to her about it.
Thank you to those of you pointing out the positives. @Bluntness100 and @MrsPsmalls you talk sense and I know my hormones are not helping my overreaction.
Those of you who came off HRT, how did you find it? Did you just get the symptoms back just as badly or was it much more manageable?

@Chesneyhawkes1 that sounds positive, except the sleep. Are you still on hrt?

@EssexLioness yes I'm only 42 now. I'll be on it for a long, long time to protect my bones they said.

I have patches I change twice a week.

My sleep is bearable certainly better than before HRT. Was awful then. I just can't sleep like a teenager anymore 😂

Ok thanks, yes I read the same. The advice when starting hrt young is to continue to the usual age of menopause, so 51-52.

Op, I was peri at 34. Last period at 43. On hrt at 45. From 34 to 43 I had 9 years of literally no sleep, could barely string a sentence together, I just couldn't think straight. From 43 the rage started, low moods and worry. For all those years no doctor would listen to me. Then I developed VA. I was put on vagifem and ovestin and then patches. It has taken 16 months to get my VA under control.

I, like you, wished I had a mother that I could have went to with all this, but like yours it would have been pointless. All I know is she went through hers in her mid fifties. In my mind a mother should be the one person a daughter can rely on for advice and help at this stage of life.

Get yourself on hrt. The benefits outweigh the risks. Good luck.

@Tootsey11 sorry you went through this without your mum too, and at such a young age. That must’ve been really tough. I have just had a look at my Fitbit app and in 2019 I was sleeping normally, bar the odd night. Average of 7+ hours per night. Then in Jan 2020 it begins to drop. Then from spring last year until now I am only averaging 3 1/2 - 4 1/2 hours sleep. I feel so awful. Constantly tired but unable to sleep!
I have done a lot of thinking, researching and talking to my husband who is also a gp and I am going to give hrt a go. Will try and book an appointment for some time next week.

I agree on seeking out older women's voices - so neglected by mainstream media and yet so funny and intelligent, on menopause and a thousand other topics. I've been enjoying Jenny Eclair's Older and Wider as an audio book and it's quite cathartic!

@UnaOfStormhold thank you. I will check that out - I have audible subscription so can download on there.
I have also text my MIL who is lovely and we are going to go out for coffee next week and have a catch up. I don’t plan on moaning to her loads etc but I feel like I want to tell someone who understands and gets it.
Like today was a really bad day for me. Lack of sleep as usual. Brain fog and painful joints really bad. Then had to pop out. Queuing in a shop, wearing a face mask and I had the worst hot flush I’ve had so far. Felt so agitated and panicky with my mask on. Should’ve just taken it off briefly tbh but I wasn’t thinking straight. The whole thing really rattled me. Then popped into Waitrose to grab a couple of bits. Came out and had completely forgotten where I had parked my car. Spent 10 mins walking around looking for it. I then realised I was looking for my old car! 🤦‍♀️ Been in my new car for almost 3 years. Of course it’s quite funny really but it would be nice to say these things and then for someone to tell me about their similar experiences etc.
Anyway, I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow to get HRT. I feel so much happier now the decision is made. Even after a generally rubbish day I feel hopeful/ excited about getting some help.
I have also booked a session with a personal trainer who specialises in menopause toning/ improving bone density etc. I think that will really help both physically but also mentally and she seems really nice.

Glad you're feeling more positive OP.

Can I ask...was getting a blood test for hormone levels straightforward? I've always been led to believe GPs aren't keen to do them on request and was looking at home testing kits online yesterday but the reviews weren't great.

I've had a really stressful couple of years which has allowed me to remain stubbornly in denial bit finally admitted to myself last weekend that I'm definitely perimenopausal...the hot flushes, anxiety and currently 7 weeks and ongoing gap between periods seem to have clinched it!

I'm all for HRT if I need it at some point but am trying to tackle it from a nutritional perspective atm. It's only been a week so could be just fluke but I'm already feeling better than I did last weekend when reality finally hit home.

Thanks @MintyCedric sorry you are struggling. It’s so horrid. Any GP surgery should be willing to provide blood tests if you are below 45. If you are 45 or over and experiencing symptoms then the guidelines state you should be able to get HRT as you will be in the expected age range. I found it very easy to get a blood test but my husband is a gp at the same practice and I used to work there too. I would like to think I would’ve got a blood test anyway but I am aware that my treatment may have been more favourable due to my connections.