Anyone fixed their relationship post meno?

[yearinyearout]

I realised a few months ago that I've gradually gone off my DH and it's coincided with perimeno.

Literally everything he does irritates me, from the way he eats, slurps his tea, snores, unloads the dishwasher incorrectly...I can barely look at the bloke.

I've been contemplating ending my marriage for some time but it's a huge upheaval and obviously not something to do on a whim, we don't have any dependents but it will impact me financially.

Anyway reading up on it it seems it's a common thing for women to feel this way and I'm just wondering if anyone has gone through it and come out the other end? It could be that we have genuinely run our course, in which case the right thing to do would be go our separate ways, but what if it's hormonal and it's the wrong decision, it's a lot to throw away.

I've started hrt but only quite recently and obviously the current wider situation isn't helpful (both working from home for the past ten months so no escape)

Anyone?

Afraid I have no insight but currently feeling the same as you are.

How long for?

I think it's common but maybe it's a kind of wake up call?

I don't think you can blame it entirely on hormones. Maybe it's more a mid-life realisation that time is running out, you aren't who you were when you married all those years ago, and people change.

I know too many couples who have been married 30+ years and who decide to stick it out, bickering away for years, till one of them dies but they are not happily married any more.

Honestly, I think if you have felt this way for years it's not the menopause, it's more that you have changed and don't like your DH any more.

It’s interesting, and I’m surprised to find myself feeling the same way some days - today definitely being one! We have what I have always considered to be a rock solid happy marriage, but since my menopause began (a couple of years ago) I have found him increasingly bloody irritating! To the point of infuriating at times.
But I think men often go through a midlife depression / crisis too, my dh is a miserable grumpy git now, but he used to be happy go lucky, jokey and positive- until he hit 50. It was like a switch being turned!!

So in truth I think it’s both of us dragging each other down. I don’t think the answer is to leave, but I do think we need to be honest with each other and start to work on our marriage.

@JinglingHellsBells we don't bicker though, that's half the problem. I expect if we did the decision would be easier, it's more that we cohabit reasonably comfortably but I'm inwardly ranging from mildly irritated to seething at everything he does.

Similar. I actually suggested a split several years ago and was surprised to find that he actually did love me to bits and just hadn't realised quite how unhappy I was about various things. I was not aware of peri meno at that time but I suspect it was just starting and was the catalyst for tipping me over the edge. We made changes for the better and otherwise muddled along and then peri hit very hard in conjunction with 2020 and drove me to the edge of fury. I have been on HRT for 6 months and in the last couple I have settled down a lot. The minor irritations still grate much more than they should but I am able to see the bigger picture now. For me leaving would be the wrong choice, though I am having to accept the fact that he bugs the living hell out of me at times. On the other hand I have made it clear what I won't tolerate and he's been pretty good about making an effort.

Have you discussed any of this with him?

Me too! Except we're constantly bickering and I feel like we're so angry at each other. This isn't how it was meant to be - I'm so sad

I divorced 2 years ago when my peri started. It helped me realize that my partner was a huge burden in my life and I felt just a relief when I took again the control of my life.
Menopause helped me to reevaluate my time and the priorities at my life. We will not live forever and my happiness and health is my only concern for now.

I'm part of a menopause network at work and they suggest not doing anything drastic while you are going through it.

Must say though I think I might be married to the same man

Good evening, it’s interesting to find myself in a bigamous arrangement with strangers on line! . Jesting aside, meno’ is rough on everything, isn’t it? And relationships especially. I found that whereas my monthly ovulation would keep me interested in sex regardless of feeling fed up/angry/whatever, nowadays if my mind is not in the right place, neither is anything else! I do think mid life for both sexes is no picnic and all your unfinished business and roads not taken start catching up with you.

@Spodge I haven't actually come out and told him that all these things irritate me or that I'm considering our future, but he can obviously tell I'm permanently annoyed. He just creeps around trying not to irritate me but failing. It's no life for him either is it?

Everything is magnified because of the covid situation as well.

This is from an article in the Times by Janice Turner

Whereas I’ve lost count of the marriages I’ve seen ended by wives who woke up at 50, the caring female hormones which cushioned their sharp edges suddenly depleted, who decide this house, this set-up, this man they’d lived with for decades was no longer what they wanted.

go.mumsnet.com/?xs=1&id=470X1554755&url=www.thetimes.co.uk/article/5120c2f8-46e0-11eb-afd8-7d77005d5199?shareToken=e8e4c000f5d87a707f0b2abfd768941e

It’s true, the hormone shifts do lend weight to other mid-life changes and allow us to be less giving and tolerant of what is less than ideal.

OP I wouldn’t do anything drastic just yet. Do not underestimate how shit peri menopause and how it can affect your relationships.
Let your HRT kick in and then reassess your relationship. My poor DH just has to breathe some days and that’s enough for me to get irritated.

I feel the same OP, DH irritates me so much, snoring, farting, moaning. He's 50+ I'm 47. I'm on month 3 of hrt for raging peri mood swings. I have 3 children, the youngest is 3 so a divorce would be devastating for them. But sometimes I feel I've reached the end of the marriage. He's a grumpy man who doesn't bring out the best in me. I'm a crazy peri woman. It's a recipe for divorce.

KellyMarie, I could have written your post including the age of youngest child. My relationship is in a mess and I am waiting to attend face to face counselling. I caught my husband watching porn early last year (he had been secretly watching it whilst I was in bed asleep and had taped it by accident). I don't want to get into the porn debate but it has devastated me for many reasons. I have 3 dc caught up in this and no other support - no extended family. I just try to keep my distance but it is hard especially right now. When I told someone in real life they tried to get me to look on the bright side i.e. that at least he wasn't having an affair. My husband thought he was doing me a favour because my libido had nose dived and he wasn't pestering me (many sleepless nights, building work a whole host of things including, I now realise the perimenopause). But he needn't have turned to visual stimulation. I feel so angry and hurt. I also know the peri. is in the mix, it's all turned into a horrible mess. I focus on the dc and hobbies and tell myself it will be better when I can join a few groups and get out more. I am in the process of developing a low key business which won't make much money but gives me another interest. I feel lonely within my relationship...it somehow compounds the loneliness.

He is also encouraging me to attend counselling so that I can understand how irrational I am being. But this has also brought to mind some other things he has said which I realise now border on being emotionally abusive. I need to unravel it all, counselling is the way forward for me so I can see more clearly (perimenopause allowing).

I'm at the stage where I'm crying all the time. He's so grumpy (various reasons that aren't easy to solve) but lm at the stage where I can't take it. It's breaking me

@Userxfg

He is also encouraging me to attend counselling so that I can understand how irrational I am being. But this has also brought to mind some other things he has said which I realise now border on being emotionally abusive. I need to unravel it all, counselling is the way forward for me so I can see more clearly (perimenopause allowing).

Counseling isn't a bad idea. He might not get the outcome he wants though ...

Sorry to hear that Idon'tknow. I feel like I've done my crying...I'm more angry but trying to keep a lid on it for the dcs sake. My plan is to get out a lot more...when we can actually get out and concentrate on building my own social life/interests etc. starting gradually then increasing when my little one starts school.

oh yes, the counselling I will do but it is for MYSELF and not because I need to resolve MY problem. I do need more clarity and definitely not making any drastic decisions.

I almost started a thread does me no make women hate men!
My dh has been an angry man since hitting 50 and having a HA.
He is 60 now but such a grumpy listless lump I was considering if I wanted to drag myself through 2021 with him.
I wake up positive and full of energy then he dithered around making negative comments.
He sucks the joy out of life And still wants sex despite wearing scruffy unironed clothes. He is like a child really.
I also find my colleague s childish and disorganised they are all men.
I seem to have developed an intolerance for men.Not my lovely DS though.😁

I don't hate men but I certainly won't be looking for another one if this continues. I think the pandemic has made it worse in that, I love speaking to people. If the one person I have to speak to narks and grumps at me then that's just shit. I deserve more than walking on eggshells.

Not for me, the menopause make me realise I can't live with men or their shit any more and I now live alone.
It was easy for me because I own a house and have never relied on a man financially so I could just walk away.
Its a blessed relief, there are good things about being a couple but I'm happier out of it.