Constant crying/ dark thoughts

[TwoHoots74]

A bit of background. I'm 46, have a mirena coil fitted so no idea when I am pre menstrual.

For the last year or so about a week before I would have a period I would start crying for no reason and struggled to get myself to stop.

I've had a shit few months in that I separated from my partner and sold our home, my brother passed away unexpectedly and I got made redundant in a week. I've not grieved for my brother for to me having to be the strong one for my family.

This weekend was my pmt time I think. Crying for no reason, then I start thinking about my life. I've gone from a beautiful home into a rented property, I literally have nobody that cares about me. My family are crap and don't give two hoots about me. They also live 400 miles away. I've no job and the job I do means I'm not allowed to work anyway. My son has been at his dads for 3 days. I started to think dark thoughts on Friday that if I wasn't here. Who would actually care. I thought how easy it would be to hang myself. The only thing that stopped me was it would be my son who found me. I can't do that to him.

Everyone thinks I've got my shit together and I haven't. In just good at putting on a front. I'm lonely. So so lonely.

I know it's partly the start of the "change". But I just don't know what to do. I've no motivation to do anything. I'm eating rubbish junk food and putting on weight. I just need help.

Anonymum dont think it's the coil. I'm not even sure it's hormonal now.

Had a so so week. My ds went to his dads on wed. He's been messing about at school and school called and spoke to me. Last night he asks if he can come home Sunday and I said no it's too long. He said it was too give me a break. That's his dads words not mine. Picked him up today and he goes straight on his Xbox. I tell him he has to do homework. Cue sulking. We then end off me upset. I feel I'm doing everything wrong. He seems sad every time he's with me.

I do put on a front with him. But I did cry today. And told him if he lived with dad school would call him. He then said he's spoken too his teacher about changing parental responsibility.

I feel shit. Cried all afternoon. I'm failing everybody. I just don't see ive got any use being here. My family don't really like me, my partner wasn't bothered if we split up or stayed together, my son thinks I'm useless, a friend has dropped me like hot coals, I'm just fucking useless.

We had dinner in silence. He knows I've been crying. But he went straight back into his room. So I'm just keeping out his way. I'm only telling him when meals are ready and that's it. I just don't know what to do. I'm such a failure.

OP. Teenagers are hard work sometimes mine has been in their room almost the whole day, it’s hard not to feel like a skivvy sometimes. Hang in there x

He's said there's always arguments at my house. There is at all. I have to remind him to do homework and speak to him if school has called. That's called being a decent parent. He doesn't see that. Other than that he's so easy and good fun. His dad obviously doesn't get the calls or nags about homework. He's treating him like a mate.

I was so sad last night. I thought I was a half decent parent. Obviously not. My eyes are so sore from crying

Oh sweetheart I have no advice but I just wanted to say you sound like a fabulous mum xx and your son sounds like a normal teenage boy. Hang in there and please ask for help, speak to your gp. This too shall pass xxx

I'm trying my best but it's just not good enough. I'm not good enough for anybody. Everything I do is just not enough or right.

I'm done. Totally fucking done.

Please hold on OP. You are worthy, you are good enough, you just can't see it at this moment. Your son loves you, but he's a teen, they act like this. So many times I have regretted how I behaved towards my mum when I was his age, how I must have upset her. They all do it. Things will get better for you.