Wedding/ Stag Do/ Medically induced menopause.

[micci124]

Hello

I need to vent before I do something silly.

I'm so so upset, I have tumours of the womb which need shrinking before surgery so I have been put into medical menopause and it's affecting my mental health and my resilience on every level along with a load of other issues.

I also had a blood transfusion recently due to severe anemia, because of the pint of blood I would lose every period.

I also get married in 3 weeks, which is wonderful timing, my partner of 10 years (we have two boys together) went on his stag do in Amsterdam, I spoke to him and the best man (also a supposed friend of mine) and said anything goes but please no strip clubs as I believe it's explotation and it would greatly hurt me for him to seek out naked spreadeagled women, (fiance told me they were naked) just because money changes hands doesn't make it morally right to me. There is something very repugnant about it and the men who go. I do view it as a form of legistamised infidelity and I hate that I'm just meant to accept it by some form of patrichal brain washing, my fiance said "so and so's wife is ok with it" and "society says it's fine" and "sex is celebrated in Amsterdam" and before anyone tells me to be cool with it, please dont.
My feelings are valid, because they're my feelings, I wasn't insecure or prudish before he went, believe me, but despite my conversation with them, they went anyway.

He didn't get a dance, despite being pressured by the other men. I do believe him 100% on that, but he still broke my trust and a boundary by going, he blames the drink and peer pressure, but it was like being kicked in the stomach.

I week after it was my Hen do, it was a toned down affair due to my crappy womb, but I kept bursting into tears every 2 hours over the hurt the stag do caused me and the lack of hormones didn't help.

The stag do situation has tainted the run up to the wedding. I'm finding it very difficult to get excited, because I'm still stuck with these images of skinny naked strippers around my fiance in my head and that he was too weak to say no. The best man didn't care enough to support him.

My stomach, due to shrinking of my uterus is a currently awful shape and I'm so self conscious, so much so, that I sent my wedding dress back for a more modest one. My sleeping patterns are disrupted and my appetite is curbed too.

1 month before the stag do my mother nearly died, and my parents can no longer come to our destination wedding, which is totally understandable but still upsetting that they won't be there.

Last week I felt I was struggling at work, still bleeding heavily because of the fibroids breaking down, and stressed and anxious that I might bleed through my clothing. I work in social services where upsetting information is the norm, I made a small mistake, because I took some codene for the cramping pain and my head felt full of cotton wool, I got snapped at by a member of staff, and it was the final straw, went to the GP, an hour later in utter tears and he sighed me off for stress for 4 weeks. I can't have HRT as it can affect the shrinking of the tumours according to the GP.

I'm trying to get past my mood swings, trying to move past the strip club fiasco, trying to get excited, but I'm still stuck.

I have forgiven my fiance but the hurt still remains, he was in tears about the whole thing and wished he never went in due to the pain it has caused. The best man is also upset by the distance it's created between me and the man i wanted to marry and it has made me not want to continue our friendship, although I'd never get in the way of my fiance and his friendship with the best man.

I know there is a lot of information here and I'm writing this after fiance has just come back from his second stag do, a day out paint balling and dinner after. Whilst my
only hen do was tainted by him. I'm so so so resentful on so many levels. To do this to me when I'm suffering with my health, just breaks my heart really.

I have been distant with him because it's unfair to him, because I made the decision to forgive him, and he gets cross when I bring up my feelings about it, saying it's "cruel and unusual" of me to feel this way about it this long, so I've been bottling it up not wanting to pee him off and it came out tonight and I may have been a little big harsh. He's apologised so many times but I can't let go of it and it's driving him away.

Please help me

Thanks x

Yes it is driving him away.
I loathe strip clubs . I get your disgust.
But you need to decide to either forgive him and move on .
Or call off the wedding.

You can’t just keep going on about it.
Your reaction is way over the top.
Probably as a result of your hormones and meds.

Best of luck

Also please go back to your gp and discuss your feelings / mood swings. I am sure they will be able to help you .

Is being signed off work a good thing do you think? It might just be giving you more time to worry

You have the choice to stay or leave, i imagine under the circumstances he’s considering the same choice. Talk to him

I don’t think OP’s reaction is over the top at all.

OP - your feelings are valid, so own then. Other people will dismiss them but that doesn’t mean that you should. Get yourself some quiet time, ie have a bath or go for a walk. Get those feelings in front of you and imagine that they are a real person. Give them a hug and then say goodbye. Go on, do it - wave them off. It’s the only way you’ll get through this otherwise you might find that it is your fiancé who calls off the wedding, not you.

Sorry but why do you think your fiance chose Amsterdam as a destination for the stag do? It's not for the craft beer.....I think you and he should have discussed it then. Now you need to move on or leave. You can't keep going on at him. Sorry you are having a crappy time health wise. I hope you feel better soon.

Explain to your partner that it’s not what he did, but the way he made you feel.

You’re having a shit time at the moment and everything is happening at once. There is so much pressure on weddings to be a perfect fantasy, but TBH weddings are still real life, only with nicer clothes.

I did discuss it before they went, with both him and the best man.

Did you mean to post this in menopause ?

I'm sorry you feel so distressed but you need to get some perspective. Seeing naked women when on a stag do is not the same as infidelity. Men are very visual when it comes to sex and women and they also compartmentalise it all. He won't feel any less for you or love you any less just because he's seen another woman's naked body. It doesn't affect how he feels over you.

I think you ought to go to the dr to discuss your fibroid treatment. I've never know anyone bleed while undergoing injections for shrinking of fibroids. The only bleed when you;d normally have a period. The injections or drugs you have are to stop / block estrogen which helps them grow. They won't make you bleed.

But my boundaries weren't respected. I asked him not to go, but he still did. He doesn't care a jot about my feelings or if something makes me feel uncomfortable. Meds or not.

Look at this another way- Why are you trying to control what he does?
Is this a factor in your relationship overall?
Does he always have to do what you want rather than what he wants to do?
He could equally be resentful of the fact you wanted to stop him having a laddish time on his stag do. Why should your wishes dominate his?

You sound incredibly controlling, selfish and tbh making a huge fuss over your man seeing naked women. If this is due to your own self esteem issues, you might benefit from counselling before your wedding because you might have issues like this all your life if you get so upset at him looking at another woman.

He was looking! It' was a stag night. It's you who has the issues, sorry and I know this is harsh but you need to sort out your issues before going forward.

Your hormones are clouding your judgement. Either this is the man you want to marry - and therefore you have to move on and put this behind you (and not bring it up at the slightest provocation); or it's made you think again about whether you want to marry him - in which case, call it all off before you get any further.

You don't sound selfish or controlling at all, you sound like someone with clear boundaries about what kind of sexual activity is acceptable within your relationship. The thing is though that now these boundaries have been breached, you don't really seem to know what to do about it. Your hormones and the other stresses you are going through won't be helping this. But essentially you have two choices: forgive and forget (the forgetting is perhaps the hardest part), or split up (or at least, postpone the wedding).

Is there anyone you can talk to in RL who can help you make sense of all this?

Be kind to yourself OP. You are going through a lot.

On reflection I think was a mistake to post here. Thank you to those who replied.

Reaaaallllly honestly what did you expect from Amsterdam? Pot and strippers is what it’s known for
I don’t care either way MYSELF but will
Say my dh went to ‘a friends stag night’ years ago. Turns out it was a strip/sex show.
When I found out afterward, I was livid. Because he lied - I thought he was going out for drinks!!
If he’s said going to watch strip show id have eye rolled

Name calling, thanks so much. What a nasty person you are.

He doesn't care a jot about my feelings or if something makes me feel uncomfortable. Meds or not.

^^ if this is how you describe your fiancé, why are you getting married?

Ps I’m sorry you feel so shitty, and no doubt worried, I’m sure the hormonal changes are the cause of a lot of your feelings

Oh OP, you have my sympathies, that hormone treatment is fucking horrendous (I've had it about 6 times).

The bottom line is that you discussed this beforehand and your boundaries and feelings weren't respected. This is who he is: a man who will put his needs and feelings first and will bow to the peer pressure of his mates. I'd feel the same. I couldn't marry a man like this and I think you know that you can't either.

I hope your health improves soon. I had HRT added in to ease the symptoms and felt much better but I don't know if this is possible for you

You explained what your boundaries are. You asked him not to do something.
He went ahead and did that very thing.
And now it's your fault you're upset.

He has no respect for you at all.
I'd end it to be honest. For me it would forever taint the wedding, and what kind of beginning to married life is that?

I think it's really worth considering postponing your wedding. Your health is in a bad way, you've been signed off work for a good stretch and sound all over the place. Your mum can't make your wedding either. Putting myself in your shoes, I would feel overwhelmed and want to postpone it.

I agree with other posters that you need to decide if the stag do is a dealbreaker and if not find a way to move past it. You can't replay a 'I can't believe you did it' record all the time. He did do it. It can't be undone. His wishes/ wants were not the same as yours. This is where you're at.

As an aside, I completely agree with the notion that your feelings are your feelings. But your DP has his feelings too - which are different to yours (which you seem to find difficult). And feelings, however strong, do not mean that actions that follow them are then automatically legitimate. How we feel and how we act needs to be considered differently.

Best of luck to you OP and I hope your health improves soon.

I really, really feel for you. You are going through hell and really need some understanding. I think it is fine for people on here to say that going on about it to him is not helpful but not to say you are wrong to feel as you do.

I think your worst feelings are not so much about the naked women any more but more about the fact that you feel your trust was broken.

People ARE definitely still responsible for what they do when they are drunk BUT it is harder (I think) to stop yourself doing something that feels harmless to you even if someone else disapproves. (This isn't an excuse for any behaviour but I think, even when drunk, someone is much less likely to do something they think is morally wrong but this is an argument for another thread), I suspect, that because to him, he knows he loves you and wants to be with you this was just a bit of fun, and he genuinely doesn't understand.

His behaviour now - He's apologised profusely; you say you have forgiven him; he still feels guilty; you are continuing to punish him so he is becoming frustrated and you are continuing to push him away.
I think, if you felt well and were not such a mess hormonally you would be better able to cope with this and make a more rational decision as to whether this is a deal breaker or not.

You really could do with someone to offload this onto in real life who would understand, not judge either partner and help you move forward.

Do you have the finances to pay for a counsellor. I think even one session would help though 2 or 3 would be better to give you the time to process your reactions.

Your feelings are not unreasonable but maybe some of your behaviour is, as is some of his, because of the emotions and hormones involved

Why should the OP pay for counselling?
If anyone should go to counseling it should be him. He should pay for counselling to explore why he did something she explicitly asked him not to do.

You asked and explained why you didn’t want him to see strippers and he broke your trust. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks and if they love strippers or whatever.

Talk this out with him before you decide to go ahead with the wedding or not and best of luck with your surgery.

I think the whole issue is way out of perspective.

OP you have 'boundaries'. Have you asked yourself why you object to your fiance seeing some naked women in a club /pub? In my own view, it's nothing to get worked up about. It's an act, a performance. It has bugger all to do with infidelity.

I do think you are controlling because your behaviour seems to stem from your own feelings of insecurity- you mention your tummy and seem to be comparing it to lap dancers' figures.

To people who say yes, you asked him not to go and he did- well why does the OP have to get her own way and not him? Where is the logic in that????

If he said it was just a bit of fun, it was not harming their relationship, why should she get her own way over what he wants?

How in all honesty does seeing a few naked women on stage, performing, cause so much grief as this?

And yes, I still say that the OP needs counselling not because he want to see strippers but because she is so insecure and upset by this incident and so annoyed she can't have her own way all of the time.

He should pay for counselling to explore why he did something she explicitly asked him not to do.

Rubbish.

Why should she try to control him? What's behind it? Terrified he might go off with a stripper? Comparing her body to theirs?
Feeling it's the same as infidelity?

Really?????

If their marriage goes ahead there will be one long power struggle around who he's looked at, and she will soon be posting on the Relationships board asking 'Is my DH having an affair' because she doesn't trust him and doesn't allow him to do ONE silly laddish thing on one day of his life because it 'offends her'.