Wedding/ Stag Do/ Medically induced menopause.

[micci124]

Hello

I need to vent before I do something silly.

I'm so so upset, I have tumours of the womb which need shrinking before surgery so I have been put into medical menopause and it's affecting my mental health and my resilience on every level along with a load of other issues.

I also had a blood transfusion recently due to severe anemia, because of the pint of blood I would lose every period.

I also get married in 3 weeks, which is wonderful timing, my partner of 10 years (we have two boys together) went on his stag do in Amsterdam, I spoke to him and the best man (also a supposed friend of mine) and said anything goes but please no strip clubs as I believe it's explotation and it would greatly hurt me for him to seek out naked spreadeagled women, (fiance told me they were naked) just because money changes hands doesn't make it morally right to me. There is something very repugnant about it and the men who go. I do view it as a form of legistamised infidelity and I hate that I'm just meant to accept it by some form of patrichal brain washing, my fiance said "so and so's wife is ok with it" and "society says it's fine" and "sex is celebrated in Amsterdam" and before anyone tells me to be cool with it, please dont.
My feelings are valid, because they're my feelings, I wasn't insecure or prudish before he went, believe me, but despite my conversation with them, they went anyway.

He didn't get a dance, despite being pressured by the other men. I do believe him 100% on that, but he still broke my trust and a boundary by going, he blames the drink and peer pressure, but it was like being kicked in the stomach.

I week after it was my Hen do, it was a toned down affair due to my crappy womb, but I kept bursting into tears every 2 hours over the hurt the stag do caused me and the lack of hormones didn't help.

The stag do situation has tainted the run up to the wedding. I'm finding it very difficult to get excited, because I'm still stuck with these images of skinny naked strippers around my fiance in my head and that he was too weak to say no. The best man didn't care enough to support him.

My stomach, due to shrinking of my uterus is a currently awful shape and I'm so self conscious, so much so, that I sent my wedding dress back for a more modest one. My sleeping patterns are disrupted and my appetite is curbed too.

1 month before the stag do my mother nearly died, and my parents can no longer come to our destination wedding, which is totally understandable but still upsetting that they won't be there.

Last week I felt I was struggling at work, still bleeding heavily because of the fibroids breaking down, and stressed and anxious that I might bleed through my clothing. I work in social services where upsetting information is the norm, I made a small mistake, because I took some codene for the cramping pain and my head felt full of cotton wool, I got snapped at by a member of staff, and it was the final straw, went to the GP, an hour later in utter tears and he sighed me off for stress for 4 weeks. I can't have HRT as it can affect the shrinking of the tumours according to the GP.

I'm trying to get past my mood swings, trying to move past the strip club fiasco, trying to get excited, but I'm still stuck.

I have forgiven my fiance but the hurt still remains, he was in tears about the whole thing and wished he never went in due to the pain it has caused. The best man is also upset by the distance it's created between me and the man i wanted to marry and it has made me not want to continue our friendship, although I'd never get in the way of my fiance and his friendship with the best man.

I know there is a lot of information here and I'm writing this after fiance has just come back from his second stag do, a day out paint balling and dinner after. Whilst my
only hen do was tainted by him. I'm so so so resentful on so many levels. To do this to me when I'm suffering with my health, just breaks my heart really.

I have been distant with him because it's unfair to him, because I made the decision to forgive him, and he gets cross when I bring up my feelings about it, saying it's "cruel and unusual" of me to feel this way about it this long, so I've been bottling it up not wanting to pee him off and it came out tonight and I may have been a little big harsh. He's apologised so many times but I can't let go of it and it's driving him away.

Please help me

Thanks x

For the pro-stripper/pro-lapdance crew - please consider how you can control your strong feelings to be able to offer advice to the OP related to the topic of this area while going easy on the personal attacks at a time of massive stress for the OP. This isn't AIBU.

You stated your boundaries and he chose to ignore that. Having boundaries isn't controlling. OP's partner stating that; "so and so's wife is ok with it" and "society says it's fine" and "sex is celebrated in Amsterdam" on the other hand, is controlling.

cucumbergin

No one has made a personal attack.

If the only comments you think are worthwhile are those supporting the OP (here, or on any part of any forum) then sorry, but that's not how it works.

I, for instance, asked a perfectly valid question which most people are choosing to ignore. That was where is the logic in one person's wishes and 'boundaries' trumping the other person's. No one has answered that - except to repeat 'she has boundaries'.

If that is the basis of your argument, it's useless.

It's like saying'Do as I say' and not giving a reason other that 'It's what I say, so you should obey.'

o one has engaged with the other side of this coin which is how the man here could be justified on posting on a thread of his own.
He might say his fiancee was very unreasonable to protest and forbid him from going to Amsterdam for his stag do and seeing some strippers. He would see it as a bit of fun, with his mates, and no reflection on his love for her.

Longer term, it asks the question is the op going to try to veto other things he wants to do- and , why?

I've tried to ask her why she was so upset at this incident because it looks as if it's about her security in the relationship and her self esteem. This is not a personal attack, it's trying to discover what the underlying reason is for her reaction.

Jingling
She explains very clearly why she doesn't like strip clubs.
I believe it's explotation and it would greatly hurt me for him to seek out naked spreadeagled women, (fiance told me they were naked) just because money changes hands doesn't make it morally right to me. There is something very repugnant about it and the men who go. I do view it as a form of legistamised infidelity and I hate that I'm just meant to accept it by some form of patrichal brain washing.

That's not controlling or jealousy, that's a thought out response to something.
She explained her strong feelings and he disregarded them. I'm not surprised she's feeling awful. He didn't have to go, it's not a legal requirement. Other people name too but go, so it was a choice he made when he knew it would upset her.

Op, I agree with others about postponing the wedding, not because of this but because of everything else. And go to the doctors to try to sort out your hormones. It all sounds really stressful and I imagine a wedding is the last thing you need on top of everything else.

Other people name too but go
Was meant to say
Other people manage to not go

How do you feel about postponing the wedding? Or cancelling it?
I think the medical stuff is a bit of a red herring, it seems you'd feel the same way about Amsterdam without that added stress. Maybe it's about respect? Or this has clarified something you wondered about?
Ultimately though, he wasn't forced to choose Amsterdam as a destination, this was what he wanted, and why did he chose that city unless it was for sex or drugs?

Well, I think they are incompatible. If the OP does feel so strongly about strip clubs, that's fairly crucial to a relationship. But I think she has to be honest if she is upset or if it's because she feels she is being compared as she doesn't seem to like her own body.

I'd be interested to know how old you both are, because removal of fibroids through shrinkage then surgery is most often done in later life. If you are both 40+ I can't see him changing his behaviour now.

jingling. This is for you