Me and my wifes (our) menopause

[user1484852106]

Hello

I'm not sure if this is the right place to talk about my wife and so our menopause journey / problems.

For 2 years now my wife has become more and more demanding in all aspects of our lives. She is becoming a monster.

When I did some research online I found much to support the idea that "it's not her fault" etc. which of course I accept and the general message was to be supportive and loving, which I think I have.

I am not a passive person by nature but I made a pact with myself that I would simply try not to do anything to upset her, I would be supportive and I would do pretty much anything she reasonably wanted.

I now fear I have created a beast. I love my wife dearly and we have been together 33 years and sure we've had tough times but always got through them, but I fear she is now out of control.

Let me explain a bit more. I have done everything I can reasonably do to make her happy, but it now seems I have run out of the ability to please her. She is now saying she still loves me but is no longer in love with me which of course hurts. She is thinking separation might be a good idea, but even my suggestion we take separate rooms was dashed in an instant.

For at least the last 3 months we have been more like brother and sister in our day to day lives and intimacy which was IMO always the glue that kept us strong hasn't happened in ages.

I fear that in backing down to all her wants and needs has diminished me in her eyes. Not that I have been domineering but I have always made the big decisions. I feel I have given so much of me away that I even barely reconise me, even friends have commented on my passive nature now.

She is going to the Dr. next week but in her head she is totally anti HRT because she thinks there are too many dangers associated with it and any suggestion on my part that she might think about it is me with "its my body" type comments.

At the moment a big part of me feels I or she should just go, we have the option as we have another home, but I am simply not a quitter.

I know everyone and couple in the menopause is on a different journey but I would really value some feedback. I don't want to talk to friends as we share the same friends and TBH I feel that really they can't be objective because the are in the middle and I can't see any worthwhile outcome. Plus I am ashamed to admit that we are having these problems.

I feel so alone in this. Maybe our marriage has come to an end in her eyes, but I don't feel this, but I have said to her to think very carefully about what she wants because she might not like it when she gets it. Which is what I have read so many times in my reading.

Also I think she drinks way too much which can't help. Often getting through 1 + bottles of wine a night. She is on a whole raft of anti angsiaty (sorry can't spell it) medication for most of her adult life, she also has the increasing pressure of an aging and more demanding mother, and her brother who was coles by and helped in this has moved away only coming back monthy, if that. She is half way through an OU course and is beginning to struggle. She generally has no motivation, she is neglecting the house, I can't remember the last time she cooked, all she seems to do is play candy crush etc. I genuinely think she is depressed and is focusing me as the cause. Oh and to cap it off nicely she had her first panic attack in a supermarket in several years.

When the menopause started she became really strong and capable and I admit at first it was hard to adjust, but all this seems to have gone out of the window, its like she's had a high and now the low is here.

Sorry for rambling. Am I alone in this? I would love to hear both genders views. I'm not looking for solutions, just answers and to know I'm not alone.

K

Trust me the very last thing I am interested in is a dalliance. I'm not sure when peri ends and full on Menopause starts as a clinical definition. Certainly peri was said to her by her doctor more than 5 years ago.

Well she's going to the Doctor tomorrow afternoon of her own choice) before I'm accused of making her) or even suggesting it. Let's see how it goes.

Good luck man!

Hope the GP visit proved to be worthwhile for your DW op and things begin to move in the right direction for both of you.

Best of luck, OP - I was a bit monstrous a few years back when I was going through this too - one minute I was happy, the next crying my eyes out, and of course taking it out on the closest target - my husband, who was a total star to weather the storm. I quite honestly thought I was going mad, plus I didn't find it easy to deal with 'aging' - mirrors were not my friends. So, I hated myself, I hated how I felt, I found everything and everybody irritating, and all the time I felt that it was me who was wrong, and that I just couldn't cope like everyone else does.

I was also a bit like your wife in that I refused to go down the HRT route, for many reasons, one being that I told myself that the menopause was not a disease, and therefore didn't need medication. There was also something about hormones coming from pregnant mares, but I've forgotten the details. It all seemed perfectly sensible to me at the time.

I still get hot flushes a few times a day, but nothing like a couple of years ago, when I spent most of my life like a wet dishrag. It is incredibly draining when you can't sleep because you're too hot, too cold, too damp, too anxious about being hot, cold, damp etc., for weeks on end.

The Doc should help - if your wife is more reasonable than I was and actually listens. If it's any encouragement, this phase did end for me, I'm still with my husband, and I have an even deeper love for him now after we've come through this with our relationship intact. He's no saint, but he was rather good at just not engaging with me when I was being particularly off the planet and unreasonable (and I was, no two ways about it). The worst thing he could have done would have been to challenge me about my less rational thoughts - I was always spoiling for a fight, because I was always wound up about something.

Anyway, as I said, it passes, I am a ray of sunshine nowadays (well, I think so!) and probably calmer than I've ever been. Flippin' adore my husband, and I think he's forgiven me for some of the names I called him whilst in the depths of my menopause. Hope it works out as well for you and your wife.

Thanks Fury Dog Mother.

Shes been to the GP had some blood tests and is booked for an internal ultrasound. She mentioned something about polysystic ovaries but really not sure what that's all about.

Hi OP ..just had to put my two pence worth in as this exact topic is so very close to my heart at the moment. Due to menopausal symptoms for the last 18 months, I am an emotional nightmare ..up one minute then a crying heap the next ..which has to be testing our marriage to the limit, but thankfully my husband has the ability to discreetly tune out to keep himself sane whilst being an amazing rock to me.

I hope you & your wife can get through this together and she can get the help she needs ..it can be a truly rotten time

Monster? Well coming from a younger lady that is going through the menopause, I think you hit the nail on the head, monster is what I am, I'm only 37 years old and Iv been a monster for 5 years now, it the hormones that do it to us.

My poor husband can't breath without my calling him names and swearing at him at the moment, I feel bad for him I really do. At first he was letting it go over his head and thinking nothing of it, but now after years of living with a monster like me he is as angry as I am.

I feel for you I really do, Iv thought the same a few time about not wanting to be with my husband, but sure enough the next day or few days later I sit down and think to myself he isn't that bad, he is only has bad as I make him, yes I know it's not all me and sometime he can just be an arsehole. But that arsehole my husband has put up with a lot from me. My mood swings, my temper, my anger. One minute I would be ok and then next I would be calling him names for no real reason.

I hope it get better for you I really do, just hang in there and I'm sure it is just the hormones playing her up.

Good luck 😬