Me and my wifes (our) menopause

[user1484852106]

Hello

I'm not sure if this is the right place to talk about my wife and so our menopause journey / problems.

For 2 years now my wife has become more and more demanding in all aspects of our lives. She is becoming a monster.

When I did some research online I found much to support the idea that "it's not her fault" etc. which of course I accept and the general message was to be supportive and loving, which I think I have.

I am not a passive person by nature but I made a pact with myself that I would simply try not to do anything to upset her, I would be supportive and I would do pretty much anything she reasonably wanted.

I now fear I have created a beast. I love my wife dearly and we have been together 33 years and sure we've had tough times but always got through them, but I fear she is now out of control.

Let me explain a bit more. I have done everything I can reasonably do to make her happy, but it now seems I have run out of the ability to please her. She is now saying she still loves me but is no longer in love with me which of course hurts. She is thinking separation might be a good idea, but even my suggestion we take separate rooms was dashed in an instant.

For at least the last 3 months we have been more like brother and sister in our day to day lives and intimacy which was IMO always the glue that kept us strong hasn't happened in ages.

I fear that in backing down to all her wants and needs has diminished me in her eyes. Not that I have been domineering but I have always made the big decisions. I feel I have given so much of me away that I even barely reconise me, even friends have commented on my passive nature now.

She is going to the Dr. next week but in her head she is totally anti HRT because she thinks there are too many dangers associated with it and any suggestion on my part that she might think about it is me with "its my body" type comments.

At the moment a big part of me feels I or she should just go, we have the option as we have another home, but I am simply not a quitter.

I know everyone and couple in the menopause is on a different journey but I would really value some feedback. I don't want to talk to friends as we share the same friends and TBH I feel that really they can't be objective because the are in the middle and I can't see any worthwhile outcome. Plus I am ashamed to admit that we are having these problems.

I feel so alone in this. Maybe our marriage has come to an end in her eyes, but I don't feel this, but I have said to her to think very carefully about what she wants because she might not like it when she gets it. Which is what I have read so many times in my reading.

Also I think she drinks way too much which can't help. Often getting through 1 + bottles of wine a night. She is on a whole raft of anti angsiaty (sorry can't spell it) medication for most of her adult life, she also has the increasing pressure of an aging and more demanding mother, and her brother who was coles by and helped in this has moved away only coming back monthy, if that. She is half way through an OU course and is beginning to struggle. She generally has no motivation, she is neglecting the house, I can't remember the last time she cooked, all she seems to do is play candy crush etc. I genuinely think she is depressed and is focusing me as the cause. Oh and to cap it off nicely she had her first panic attack in a supermarket in several years.

When the menopause started she became really strong and capable and I admit at first it was hard to adjust, but all this seems to have gone out of the window, its like she's had a high and now the low is here.

Sorry for rambling. Am I alone in this? I would love to hear both genders views. I'm not looking for solutions, just answers and to know I'm not alone.

K

Highalert, how should we treat male posters, not like human beings who have problems just the same as we do? It's not "eye lash fluttering" it's called empathy something you clearly know absolutely nothing about.

My dickish comment still stands, highalert. If I had eyelashes worth fluttering, I still wouldn't flutter them at anyone, regardless of the genitalia they were born with.

OP said, 20 seconds before you posted (hence the crosspost) that he cleans and cooks. But no, you seem to just be trigger happy with your assumptions that man=bad, rather than read the actual words in his post.

Male posters who troll MN for the lolz?

Nah ,I'll pass on that thanks.

FFS. He is quite entitled to call it 'our menopause journey'.
I am just emerging from the menopause, I hope. Yes, it happened to my body but it had a massive impact on my DH. I didn't go through it alone. I am very lucky that my DH never moaned or groaned, but I needed to have the bedroom window open, regardless of how cold it was outside. My moods were crazy. I couldn't fathom them, much less DH. Some nights I went and slept in the spare room, but dh said he would rather a sleepless night than have me feel the need to leave my own bed. I could go on. It's ridiculous to think that partners aren't affected. It crept into all areas of our life. As I say, I am very lucky, but hopefully, that's what loving relationships are about.

Yeah empathy man. I feel lots and lots of sympathy for husbands and kids living with a woman going through the change. That shit isn't fun for anyone.

Mines under strict instructions to ship me off for hormones when the time comes, even if he has to enlist help to get me there if I'm being a knob about it.

wow, cool story bro.

God there's some wankers about.

Don't be put off op, I think what PickaChew suggested is spot on, what do you think?

Yes there certainly are some wankers about.

Whoa steady on! I think the troll calling or whatever is a bit mean.

On the website Menopause Matters ( owned and written by a consultant gynae) there are sections on the forum for men - to help them understand about what women are going through. There is also a sticky thread there on what women would like their husbands / partners to understand.

I think it's commendable that a man has come along asking for support and if it's not genuine well, neither are many posts on MN by both genders!

Women's libido can fall off a cliff during menopause often due to vaginal atrophy that makes sex painful and most women don't talk about it or see a GP for treatment. It's also a time when women can reassess their lives and decide to move on (biggest age group to divorce are the over 50s.)

Having said that, this is a relationship issue and joint counselling might be worth a shot.

Hang on, apart from her age, what makes you think that all of this is due to her going through the menopause?
Genuine question - maybe your relationship has run its course?
Maybe she is reconsidering some of her life choices?

You two need to talk.
Or rather listen to each other, really listen what the other one is saying.

As an aside and not specifically aimed at you: why is it that when women's behaviour is in any way troublesome, it's always assumed it's due to hormones?? Sometimes it is, sometimes it ain't.

And 'our menopause'?? Snarf.

Actually, on rereading your OP, she sounds depressed.

What has her GP said?
Has she been to see a doctor?
Is she happy how things are going?
Does she think her body changing is the issue?

I thought it was current medical understanding that the hormonal changes that women go through during peri menopause and actual menopause can often cause low mood and anxiety.

In fact some people think a lot of mental health issues in women, generally, can be cause by reproductive hormonal issues. Severe PMT, like severe PND, can cause very pronounced delusional behaviours.

So considering whether menopausal symptoms are a route cause if these relationship issues is legitimate IMO.

Root. Typo.

I tried joining menopause matters before I got tipped to come here. This is why I didn't get to join.

"Actually, on rereading your OP, she sounds depressed.

"What has her GP said?
Has she been to see a doctor?
Is she happy how things are going?
Does she think her body changing is the issue?"

She is seeing her GP on Monday, no she is not happy in any way shape of form and yes she knows it is. She has been peri for years.

Not sure why this guy is being given such a hard time or why some posters are so quick to denounce the role women's hormones can play in a relationship.

If a man posted saying he was worried about his wife's PND, or his DD's puberty and hormonal ups and downs, would posters be so churlish?

Not saying her menopause is the sole issue here, but it's a challenging time for many women.

Seems a bit ironic that so many women post here about feeling anxious, depressed, gone off sex etc due to peri meno then when a guy comes along and says his marriage is in trouble partly due to this, he gets shot down!

PollyI think the thing is, that the myth women can just 'breeze through' menopause is still alive and kicking. It is a defence mechanism that not many women like to consider, what a profound effect changing female hormones can have, upon our well being. It has been overplayed, underplayed and joked about by chauvinists, for centuries, all to women's detriment, to the extent it isn't even taken particularly seriously, across the board in medicine. We get incorrect treatments, are told to 'put up' with dysfunctional hormonal affects of 'medicines' and are expected to put up medicines that manipulate our hormones and their side effects as a matter of course. So I am not surprised.

so what we're saying is that women are their own worst enemies when it comes to menopause? Because it's women who talk - or don't talk- about it most, and who are afraid or unwilling to challenge incorrect treatment by uninterested and uninformed HCP?
There are men who like to make sexist comments about women's hormones- whether that PMS or menopause. But equally there are women who poo-poo other women's menopause issues, based on them having an easy time with it. many people think the menopause is a year or two of hot flushes then that's it- over with! Ha! For a lucky few, yes. For most women, no.

Equally there are doctors- male and female - who dismiss the menopause because it's 'natural' ( so is dying, but we do a heck of a lot to prevent that off for as long as possible) - but there are some very good and caring drs who recognise it's a neglected area of health , are sympathetic and understand the impact it can have on women.

I think the menopause has to be put into context of life in the 21stC - many more women are working till 67 or longer, their parents are living longer, their children are at home longer, so their lives are different to women's 50 or 100 years ago.

Waaaay before you said how much she was drinking it was obvious to me that's what the problem is.

Polly, in answer to your question, I don't think it is the fault of women that the impact of menopause is often disregarded or played down. Patriarchal society has certainly influenced this. Women have the ability to respond in a way that challenges the misconceptions however may not always feel like being open in a climate where the affects of female hormones are often ridiculed or played down. Equally a lack of openness can foster misconceptions. It is a complex issue.

OP, I think you've had an unnecessarily hard time from this thread by some posters.

Clearly you are affected by your wife's issues. The source of them, well that could be many, including hormones. She drinks way too much obviously.

My experience. I had not experienced anxiety until my peri menopausal years. But here's the thing, I had no idea that mine was coming from hormone fluctuations. Also, every month I had several days of foul mood and rage. It's disappeared since I started HRT.

Going through the perimenopausal years can be like the Boiled Frog metaphor for some women.

Of course hormones can play a role in emotional/mood problems, but they are not the only possible cause, are however very readily blamed.
I think all possible root causes are worth exploring and a trip to the GP sounds like a good idea.

Highalert, do grow up dear and get a grip, or a hobby.

Thanks very much for all the reasons replies. Whilst I didn't expect everyone to agree with my posting here, I really didn't expect some of the nasty replies.

Just be thankful you didn't put there was another woman that had taken your fancy as these types of threads from dudes usually go, you would have been torn limb from limb this ones quite mild. I do hope your wife feels better and you both get on a more even keel.

I'm not liking what I'm hearing about this peri menopause thing though, it's freaking me out slightly.