My mum is giving dh all the credit for my distinction

[TeenLifeMum]

I’ve spent 2 years working on a post grad diploma. Completed in November and I’ve got a distinction. I’ve got 3dc and I’ve been working full time.

Now I’m very grateful to dh for his love and support, and on assignment deadline weeks he did step up. We’re a team, it’s what we do.

Dm has sent me congratulations but she’s sent dh a far longer message thanking him and almost implying he helped more than he did (eg. Wrote my assignments). I’m shocked and hurt that she thinks I’m not capable on my own. Dh is going to respond and clarify. He found it funny initially but understands why I’m hurt. Dh did listen to me talking about topics that probably bored him to death and did listen to presentations when I was practicing so I’m not saying he didn’t support but I did the work. ALL the work!

OMG. I would be absolutely livid.

I hope you've replied before your DH does! Otherwise it could seem (to your DM) to confirm that your DH does do everything for you!

I'd be very hurt but also very angry with her, and I'm afraid I couldn't leave it to him to reply.

Is she generally like this? I’m guessing…. Yes

OMG. Just reading your title increased my blood pressure by an alarming amount. There was no one else to whom my parent could ascribe the Distinction I received for my Master’s degree - but in previous years she was convinced it was my then partner who pushed me into getting a highly desirable professional qualification.

It’s incredibly difficult to find anything coherent to say on these occasions, isn’t it?

But I think I can speak for everyone on this thread in saying we know you did all the work. Congratulations on your achievement. 🏆

Surely dh took on quite bit extra of the children especially over weekends too if you were working full time and then needing extensive study time?

He just needs to keep his reply short saying thank you but he really didn't do much and that YOU have done an amazing job. The bar is set so low for men, anything they do is to be praised whilst women are just supposed to manage it all. It's sad that even our own mums do this. You have every right to be annoyed.

So what? That’s just being a functioning adult and parent.

Congratulations on your achievement.

Well yes sure

but worth recognising if the case and the op didn’t mention - hence me asking!

I have noticed men do get congratulated on the smallest of household tasks, in the style of "who's a good boy, you helped your wife by loading the (her?) dishwasher " etc.
my BIL is an amazing dad because he "helps" with the kids.
Annoying but it still happens.
Well done OP on your huge achievement!!

Ah op this enrages me it's another example of how low the effing bar for men is set when people are falling over themselves to praise them for doing the bare minimum like supporting a partner/ parenting their child/ cleaning their home.

Its ridiculous. And you (and he) are right to call it out.

OP did acknowledge her husband’s support

I know!! I was just enquiring as to whether he also did more childcare, as someone who also balanced full time work and post grad studies - it’s the childcare and weekends that are the really tricky thing

I sense I’m walking on a land line on this thread! 😆

I was self employed and earned well and my mother asked one of my siblings if I was a drug dealer.

She couldn’t get her head around a woman being clever or successful without a man.

How dull of your mother

I would flip her sexism around and declare all your brains stem from the male side of the family. She sounds thick as mince so you may as well confirm her view about women

Btw she's obviously envious as hell and I doubt this is the only example you have

"she’s sent dh a far longer message thanking him and almost implying he helped more than he did (eg. Wrote my assignments). "

The thread isnt about whether DH helped with the kids - I would assume a decent spouse would. Its not even about whether he needs acknowledgement because the Op clearly has acknowledged his support.
Its that the Op's mum has implied that he contributed far more than he has - serving to minimise the Op's work. Of course that is infuriating!

Congratulations Op! I hope you get to celebrate soon.

I think the OP's complaint is not so much the OP's mother saying "thanks for taking on an extra share of the childcare and housework so OP could do so well in her course" but "thanks for writing the assignments for OP and preparing her presentations for her and generally doing the substantive work it took for her to get the qualification because she wouldn't have been smart enough or capable enough to get a distinction on her own ability".

OP - congratulations!!! Great achievement. And it's nice to read a post by someone whose DH did step up to allow them to reach their professional goals. So good choice on who you married too!

So, was a parent to his children? Or do you think it should be women's work and anything a man does is a bonus?

Here we go

I clarified in subsequent posts before you get too het up 😆

You didn't refer to the substance of the OP's post - her mother thinks the OP's husband all but completed her assignment. That is offensive.

He is sooooo amayyyyzing, how DOES he do iiiit???? Watch the Katherine Ryan you tube video "single Mom" its soo true.

adding the link

Indeed it is

and I imagine a pattern

If it were a husband celebrating a post graduation distinction no one would be thanking his wife for taking on the children over the weekends and no one would be suggesting she had any imput into his work, no one.

YANBU op, I would be enraged and disappointed, I'm not sure i could speak to her for a while either, how dare she.

Congratulations on your distinction.

Yes, but her mother implied he wrote her assignments for her too.