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Mature study and retraining

Talk to other Mumsnetters who are considering a career change or are mature students.

Original poster

My mum is giving dh all the credit for my distinction

51 replies

TeenLifeMum · 10/02/2025 15:42

I’ve spent 2 years working on a post grad diploma. Completed in November and I’ve got a distinction. I’ve got 3dc and I’ve been working full time.

Now I’m very grateful to dh for his love and support, and on assignment deadline weeks he did step up. We’re a team, it’s what we do.

Dm has sent me congratulations but she’s sent dh a far longer message thanking him and almost implying he helped more than he did (eg. Wrote my assignments). I’m shocked and hurt that she thinks I’m not capable on my own. Dh is going to respond and clarify. He found it funny initially but understands why I’m hurt. Dh did listen to me talking about topics that probably bored him to death and did listen to presentations when I was practicing so I’m not saying he didn’t support but I did the work. ALL the work!

OP posts:
Bestthriller · 10/02/2025 16:45

Cherryandpineapple · 10/02/2025 16:39

Yes, but her mother implied he wrote her assignments for her too.

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Which indicates this latest saga is no doubt tip of the iceberg and probably a fairly unpleasant woman and certainly mother

ObviouslyBlooming · 10/02/2025 16:49

Bestthriller · 10/02/2025 15:59

Well yes sure

but worth recognising if the case and the op didn’t mention - hence me asking!

Edited
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She did though.
She did say he stepped up. Because that’s what THEY do in their marriage.

Bestthriller · 10/02/2025 16:50

ObviouslyBlooming · 10/02/2025 16:49

She did though.
She did say he stepped up. Because that’s what THEY do in their marriage.

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Oh dear lord 😆

Bestthriller · 10/02/2025 16:51

Congratulations Op
Hope you have a celebration planned of some sort 🍾

chattyness · 10/02/2025 16:55

Congratulations to you, to manage do all that with a full time job 3dc a husband & house to care for is an amazing achievement 🏆
Send her a simple email back saying thank you for your congratulations but I did all the work, I wrote every assignment myself & I also wrote this email !

MrsPepperpotsCat · 10/02/2025 16:58

chattyness · 10/02/2025 16:55

Congratulations to you, to manage do all that with a full time job 3dc a husband & house to care for is an amazing achievement 🏆
Send her a simple email back saying thank you for your congratulations but I did all the work, I wrote every assignment myself & I also wrote this email !

Grin
Newgirls · 10/02/2025 16:59

She’s jealous and is projecting perhaps that if her husband had helped she could have achieved such a thing.

yes be irritated but really it’s a glimpse into her life isn’t quite what she wanted for herself

Checkhov · 10/02/2025 17:03

Sounds like the sort of shit my mum used to come out with. Just remember, nothing you say or do will change her, OP. No point being annoyed or disappointed in her. I learned to not give a flying fig what my mother said or did - she became irrelevant to my life. I suggest you do similar.
And, many congratulations 🎉

Nothatgingerpirate · 10/02/2025 17:09

Your mother sounds like a jealous narcissist.
I grew up with one, still damaged at 45.
Boundaries.
Well done!

DingDingRound3 · 10/02/2025 17:10

Bestthriller · 10/02/2025 15:53

Surely dh took on quite bit extra of the children especially over weekends too if you were working full time and then needing extensive study time?

And this is…

SoloSofa24 · 10/02/2025 17:12

I discovered nearly 30 years after the event that my mother thought my DH was responsible for my grades going from 2nds to 1sts in the final two years of my degree, when I was living with him, ignoring the fact that the lower grades in the first half of my degree were an aberration for me (I'd gone through school with straight As), and also that I had changed to a course that a) I enjoyed a lot more and b) was better taught. I had also stopped doing an extracurricular activity that had taken up a huge amount of my time in the first two years. She thought it was all down to having a man in my life telling me to buckle down and work...

She was born in the 1930s and despite having a degree and a career, still deferred to my father and had old-fashioned ideas about relationships. I also felt hugely insulted and corrected her, but I am not sure that she really got it.

I would guess your DM is younger but still has very traditional ideas; I hope you can get her to see you as a person capable of achieving things in your own right.

ItGhoul · 10/02/2025 17:19

Christ, I'd be absolutely raging at this!

SomethingFun · 10/02/2025 17:23

Distinction is amazing op, well done! Some people can’t have it when you do well and have to find a way to put you down, sorry that’s your mum in this case.

TaylorSwish · 10/02/2025 17:27

It’s bloody amazing that you managed to open a book, let alone achieve a distinction, when you are a full time working mum of three.
Your mum should be so proud of YOUR hard work.
I am pleased for you OP 💐

GreyAreas · 10/02/2025 18:00

Wow internalised misogyny runs deep.

Congrats OP

BIWI · 10/02/2025 18:07

Oh, and I forgot to say - 'congratulations!' Flowers

thestudio · 10/02/2025 18:11

Bestthriller · 10/02/2025 15:53

Surely dh took on quite bit extra of the children especially over weekends too if you were working full time and then needing extensive study time?

And this would mean that the bulk of the celebratory sentiments should be addressed to him?

Of course not.

How much 'extra' do you think the average woman does for her average male partner? A fuck load more than was required of this man, that's for sure.

You're a misogynist - either internalised if female, or common or garden if male.

TheyCallMeMrsBug · 10/02/2025 18:13

Wow OP that is impressive, congratulations on your hard work. Your mother on the other hand well what a cow.

VoltaireMittyDream · 10/02/2025 18:14

Congratulations, OP! What an amazing achievement 🥂🍾

I was just talking with some friends of mine about this the other day - how heartbreaking it is that our mothers reflexively give our husbands credit for everything we do as we ‘couldn’t have done it without them’. And we get zero such credit for our husbands’ achievements.

My friend is her mum’s carer, and her mother never thanks her for doing the shopping, cooking, cleaning, ferrying to appointments - but constantly thanks her DH effusively for ‘sparing’ her to do it by looking after the DC himself now and then. It makes me want to scream.

Raininginparadise2 · 10/02/2025 18:18

Congratulations OP. Be very proud of yourself. Well done xxx

Ohwhatfuckeryitistoride · 10/02/2025 18:19

When I got my degree in politics, fil said something along the lines of “well, dh has always been interested in politics, so he’s given her a hand up there.” He was an awful cunt though.
And yay to you op for an amazing result, testament to your hard work and dedication!

Original poster
TeenLifeMum · 10/02/2025 18:39

BIWI · 10/02/2025 15:47

I hope you've replied before your DH does! Otherwise it could seem (to your DM) to confirm that your DH does do everything for you!

I'd be very hurt but also very angry with her, and I'm afraid I couldn't leave it to him to reply.

She sent a text to his phone so a bit weird for me to reply. He’s responded perfectly saying it was all me and he’s incredibly proud of me.

OP posts:
Original poster
TeenLifeMum · 10/02/2025 18:42

Bestthriller · 10/02/2025 15:53

Surely dh took on quite bit extra of the children especially over weekends too if you were working full time and then needing extensive study time?

Yes, and I do it all when he’s off doing his hobby. Why wouldn’t he look after his own dc? I’ve said in my post that he did step up and acknowledge that his willingness to do this meant I was able to commit to the time needed. But I also worked late nights too and dc are teens so not babies. They also helped cook meals etc. my family is awesome. That doesn’t mean he did my work for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
TeenLifeMum · 10/02/2025 18:46

Bestthriller · 10/02/2025 15:52

Is she generally like this? I’m guessing…. Yes

Not really. We get on well. I think the fact dh washes clothes and shares household chores is alien to her but she was a sahm whereas we both work full time.

I was always the “thick” one as my brother got A*s and went to Cambridge… I got As and went to uni but dropped out (after being attacked in the city). At 42 this was a big achievement for me to get over that period.

overall we have a good relationship and I think she maybe wanted to acknowledge dh and thank him for supporting me but did it in a rather clunky way.

OP posts:
Tortielady · 10/02/2025 20:12

My DMiL saw my studies as a burden on her little prince who had to do more round the house, especially when I was chasing a deadline. At the same time, when my DFiL signed up with the OU, she typed up his assignments. . .not a job I needed help with, but whatever. Other women can be the last people you'll get support or credit from, especially if they have the sneaking suspicion that they could have done something similar if only their spouse had been more supportive or, as was the case with my DMiL, they hadn't clung to the conviction that everything domestic was their responsibility and no-one else, especially a mere male, could possibly do it as well.

ETA: congratulations 🎊 🍾 A distinction is a lovely thing to have. You've done so well.