Loneliness of being a mature student

[StudentybumMum]

I’m an almost 40 mother of 2 (4&9) and mature student completing my second year of a creative arts course at university level. First year in person after an online year .

I’m so bloody lonely.

I didn’t expect the 18 year old student experience but I also didn’t expect the isolation and exclusion I am experiencing.

I get on well with my course peers in practicals and classes but I’m never included in socialising or extra curricular events related to the creative side of the course. Nobody drops me a message over the breaks to see how I’m doing and yet they’re all hanging out together or putting on events relating to the course together. Any attempts I make to create an event or to socialise are often met with derision or refusal, even among the other mature students. When chatting there will be lots of loose yes let’s meet up for a catch up sometime but when contacted to see if they’re free to actually arrange something firm, tumbleweed. There are only so many times you can ask before you look stupid for not getting the message.

I get why nobody wants to hang out with the old folk when they’re young but that doesn’t stop it hurting. I hoped being creative types they’d be more open minded. I hoped some of the older students would have wanted to make friends too. Not BFFs just the odd coffee and a chat or text saying hi how are you.

I have no friends for a variety of reasons and this was an attempt to make some while doing something for mine and my kids futures. There are other mature students but they’re often quite a bit older with grown up children or younger with no children. I’ve tried to socialise or at least appear friendly and be proactive about it. I don’t talk about my kids unless asked, I don’t complain and I try not to be too much in your face either. I’ve spent a long time watching and learning how those who are successful do it and I’m failing miserably. There is no formal mature students society and no appetite for one. I did look into it.

The creative industries rely on networking and if I’m failing in university to succeed at networking, what hope will I have in the real world?

Exams have just finished and that’s me until September with no social contact, no work to do and just being mum. I can’t afford to get a job as the childcare costs over summer will
be too great for us. My partner earns just enough that we can survive a few months without me having any student loans but it means free days out, no holiday and no hobbies for me.

Is this standard for mature students or is it just me?

That sounds like bullying, tbh. I wonder if you can explore your options before you sign up for another year of this social exclusion. What about moving to a different institution, or taking a year out so you are in a different cohort. Are there any networking opportunities wider than your current class eg is your institution part of a group with other similar students at other places? What are your tutors like? Could you discuss what has been happening with them? Take some time now to talk things over with your partner and find a way forward that doesn't include this bunch of immature arseholes!

It sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself to get to know others in order to help your future. I get it, I really do. Unfortunately though you are probably subconsciously putting out a vibe because you are so interested in making connections. Try to care a little less and see what kind of response you get.

There's a couple of things here. You wouldn't expect 18/19 year olds to socialise with you, and it sounds as if the other mature students have much older children and are in a different place in life.
I do wonder why you're lonely when you have two young children and a partner? What's going wrong there that you're not looking forward to a summer with them?

What is creative arts - it seems a broad spectrum but are there drama /painting groups in your local town I would think that you would be welcomed at whatever age (presuming they are mostly older) and your entry can be that you are a student keen to learn.

I'm so sorry OP, that sounds awful.

This may be unfair of me but I've always had the sense that some of the creative industries can be very snobbish or judgy. I'm an academic in a much more geeky field where people are happy just to find other people with a passion for the same interests, so unless you're a complete jerk you'll likely find some people to hang out with.

How are you doing in your actual course work? Do you feel like this field is a good fit for you in general?

I was a mature student and the younger students have a completely different way of socialising that you couldn't possibly fit in with. It was the way I socialised at their age think 'Fresh Meat' or 'Skins' etc especially if they're also in halls. Mature students tend to be local so have established social lives. There are often whole group events that are more accessible for everyone. You're overthinking things. They're not exactly leaving you out you're just not going to fit into what they're up to.

It does not in anyway sound like bullying! 18-19 year olds don't want to hang out with 40 year old mothers, that's perfectly fine. They don't have to, and they are NOT bullies for not doing so. She's not being excluded just because she isn't being included.

OP sounds like she's expecting people to alleviate her loneliness, and that other people owe her their time. That's probably coming across in her interactions, which is offputting to people.

OP do NOT listen to people like the above poster, believing such nonsense will make things so much worse.

I am 49 and just done a degree. I made lots of friends on the course but it was a coffee after class to discuss our essay not a night out.

I am very active on the groups WhatsApp chats helping people who can't find x in the handbooks.

I don't expect to socialise much though I do attend whole class things. Networking events should open to all?

Uni as a mature student is about learning I think, not socialising.

I agree, @CupidStunt22 .
Just look at the course for what it is, a short term measure to improve and enhance your career. Look forward to a nice summer with your children and partner, you don't need the friendships of the other students.

Being a mature female student meant I was viewed as ‘mum’ and occasionally ‘grandma’ by the younger students. They were a lovely bunch - but no way was I going to be able to be one of them with socialising outside of the course needs. Have you managed to meet other mature students on other courses?
Don’t worry about the world of work - you will network and socialise, it’s like comparing chalk and cheese, when comparing the two different worlds of socialising.

Do you really want to befriend a load of teenagers? Why? At that age I'd have viewed a 40 something wanting I hang out with me with suspicion.

Why not try to find some friends outside of the course? Take up a hobby or interest over the summer? Do you have any friends already you could see or you could rekindle old friendships? I wouldn't be relying on a load of flakey teens to provide a solid friendship base.

Maybe by socialising I wasn’t clear. I just meant maybe going for lunch when we’re in uni or a coffee after a class/workshop - not clubbing and pubbing. I certainly don’t expect to be fitting into a 19 year olds social life but socialising goes beyond being at the pub. The extra curricular events are related to the course so exhibitions or performances etc. These are expected and encouraged and are part of the professional development part of the course. It is expected that you turn up to events outside of study time and you need a portfolio of events both attended and participating in them. Going to these things yourself and trying to engage with people who look like a stinking turd is talking or listening is really disheartening.

The course is creative arts - like art and design but a bit wider scope. Nowhere else offers a similar course locally and leaving isn’t an option.

I can’t really win. If I’m proactive in trying to engage regardless of the age of the people, I’m seen as forcing myself into the poor youth or expecting them to alleviate my loneliness and if I sit back quietly it’s my own fault for being passive. I should probably just be silent and sit back into middle age irrelevance as mothers are expected to do. Is it even possible as a 39 year old woman to find a middle ground?

Asking why I’m lonely when I have a partner and two kids is a bit odd. I don’t think I know many people whose social circle is literally their partner and kids who wouldn’t feel lonely. I exist outside of mother and partner and I’d like to be recognised as that. I’d like to go for a coffee and chat about shit not kids or moan about partners. You can have a hundred good friends and still feel lonely.

Sorry but it just isn’t going to happen. How many teenagers want their mum to go out for a coffee with them? Very very few, and even less if they have their mates with them. It is what it is.
You are just going to have to slap on a smile and do the extra curricular events on your own, and be proactive and manage them into doing the group event organising together.
You want to be seen as independent from your role role of parent and partner - that isn’t going to happen with teenagers in this scenario!

Art is a tricky course for this kind of thing. I studied art and can imagine what you're describing, although actually on my degree there were quite a few mature students so they had their own little gang. I think you do need to be proactive and you're lucky in a way that your maturity means you hopefully will be able to, and more imaginatively than the main cohort. In terms of art stuff, maybe try to go to openings of local galleries, even if it's by yourself, and just be friendly/interested/ask questions. You could see if there are any local groups you could join to connect with other artists, a life drawing class even.
If it is Fine Art, I'd focus on your own practice over the summer and try to make the most of the next part of your course, and try not to be too bothered by the 20 year olds being fairly typical self absorbed young people by the sounds of it. And arty ones are the worst I know!

I’m 36, STEM. Single mother. All mature student groups are evenings or weekends, therefore I can’t attend. It is shit.

It only changed in my second year when I applied (and was accepted for) a mentor job, the year that everything was online - really difficult to do when most of your time is meant to be in a lab.

I was assigned a few tutor groups, and fortunately, there was a mature student in one of them. Single, but no kids, and we hit it off really well. I still don’t socialise outside of Uni because no childcare, but we message often and video call, they’re now final year and I’m halfway through a Masters.

It is horrible, though.

Ps please don't be silent! Are any of the tutors friendly? I know it's scary but just try to go to things by yourself and don't give a shit. Since lots of my art friends moved away, I go to private views by myself fairly often. I used to be terrified but I've grown in confidence doing so and realised a lot of the fear was very much in my own head.
Also, you can organise things yourself, invite someone who seems more interesting on your course to do a studio visit or an informal crit or something. They will probably be flattered!

I did also have a bunch of metal head teens who wanted to hang out with me at lunch (that’s what I get for wearing band t shirts) - apparently I knew all the best “old” metal to listen to and they liked mulling over the module content with me, all were intelligent and funny, but I never handed out my number or SM details to them, and haven’t seen them since we graduated.

I had to keep boundaries with them for my own sanity.

I just don't know why you're lonely with a partner for company, and two young children to care for, surely you must be happy with your family? If you want new friendships, don't look at teens at uni. As pp have said, develop a hobby related to your course and you'll find like minded people. My husband and adult kids would never want to go to the opera with me, so I go on my own, but have made new friends by chatting to people at the interval.

The creative industries rely on networking and if I’m failing in university to succeed at networking, what hope will I have in the real world?

Doesn’t really matter who networks with who while you’re all studying. What Matters Is How Well You Do. In the months following graduation collaborations and commissions will follow the students who are visibly better than the rest. What you need is to be in a position where, in the final months of the course, it’s your name that your tutors are mentioning in the wider creative world.

So how are you doing on the actual course?

(My experience as a very mature MA student on a similar-ish course was different to yours - but I wasn’t hoping to make friends with my half my age peers. They were friendly and welcoming when we were together, at least on the coffee / drinks at the end of the day level. I neither know nor care whether they were socialising together without me at other times! (Probably helped that I lived a long commute away from the institution so there was a clear delineation between there and home,))

I would hope there’s a ‘widening participation team’ which may include a rep for mature students. If so, they will set up networking opportunities. If the Uni has such a team they may be based in Student Services or Admissions and Recruitment.

It is hard. I was a mature student back in the day and relied heavily on my social network beyond Uni.

How are they organising course events? Or advertising then?

Fir ours we have WhatsApp groups for our modules and all year group and events advertised on module notice boards so sent to all students.

So it's matter of joining those groups. Ask someone what they are when they are next mentioned.

I'm also a mature student and we did our first year online. Other than seeing some other mature students in lectures/seminars and the odd coffee in campus have never socialised with any of them. Not because they aren't nice people but because I am genuinely too busy and don't have the time. Plus everyone is at various stages of life. Either childfree and working part-time or have children different ages to mine. Plus if I am doing something with the kids, they prefer their own friendship groups.

I wouldn't take it personally and try and make different friends outside of uni. So if your dc are young there are playgroups etc. If at school try and arrange playdates with other dcs. Plus I suspect finances are an issue. If you only can afford to do free things over summer then that might not appeal.

I should probably just be silent and sit back into middle age irrelevance as mothers are expected to do.

Now … Does this feeling arise from your experience at this particular institution, or is it how you’re feeling in general? If the institution then, thankfully, you won’t be there much longer - and your aim is to leave with the best possible grade so you can launch yourself into a successful career. If it’s a more general fear of ‘almost 40’ … there are plenty of routes out of such negativity. Was Louise Bourgeois ‘irrelevant’?

Also - you’re presumably on an undergraduate course as it’s three years? I was much, much older than you when I started a postgrad degree at a specialist institution. My peers were still all much younger than me, but there was perhaps a far more mature and accommodating attitude towards the variety of qualities we brought to the course. Everyone cared most about the work and assessed others according to what they could contribute artistically, not socially. So - look forward to your postgrad study, maybe somewhere else. It will be different.

My undergraduate degree was in photography and there were a lot of mature students on my course. Everyone got along with each other, but this was in late the 90s where I don't there was such a sharp divide between age groups. There wasn't anyone with kids on the course though, and I do remember as a teenage people with kids seemed like a totally foreign species to me who I would equate with my parents even if they were much younger than my parents - so I didn't really know how to relate to them. Which is ridiculous to me now I am a mother and feel like the same person who I have always been, but that's just the way it is!

It does sound like you haven't really gelled with anyone else despite their age as there are other mature students on your course so I do think you are giving off a type of vibe that is somehow putting people off. I'm not sure what the answer is, but it sounds like you put a lot of hope into the course giving you a social life and it hasn't worked out. Are there any other groups at your university you could join? If you could share which uni it is, then people might be able to advise you in a specific way.

Let's consider the possible explanations for how you are feeling:

1. Everyone on your course is mean and awful. We can pretty much rule this out. Mean and awful people exist, but there are basically nil environments where disparate people are brought together and they are ALL mean and awful.
2. By sheer bad luck, the other mature students on your course just don't get with you in personality and/or life stage. Possible. Properly mature students tend to have very busy lives already and generally aren't looking for much socially from a uni course other than some pleasant chat.
3. Something about the way you present is putting people off. Also possible. You do seem to be putting a lot of weight on building social connections through this course that may be unrealistic. The reason you describe yourself as not having any friends may also be relevant.

Being as honest as you can, what do you think the drivers are?