Loneliness of being a mature student

[StudentybumMum]

I’m an almost 40 mother of 2 (4&9) and mature student completing my second year of a creative arts course at university level. First year in person after an online year .

I’m so bloody lonely.

I didn’t expect the 18 year old student experience but I also didn’t expect the isolation and exclusion I am experiencing.

I get on well with my course peers in practicals and classes but I’m never included in socialising or extra curricular events related to the creative side of the course. Nobody drops me a message over the breaks to see how I’m doing and yet they’re all hanging out together or putting on events relating to the course together. Any attempts I make to create an event or to socialise are often met with derision or refusal, even among the other mature students. When chatting there will be lots of loose yes let’s meet up for a catch up sometime but when contacted to see if they’re free to actually arrange something firm, tumbleweed. There are only so many times you can ask before you look stupid for not getting the message.

I get why nobody wants to hang out with the old folk when they’re young but that doesn’t stop it hurting. I hoped being creative types they’d be more open minded. I hoped some of the older students would have wanted to make friends too. Not BFFs just the odd coffee and a chat or text saying hi how are you.

I have no friends for a variety of reasons and this was an attempt to make some while doing something for mine and my kids futures. There are other mature students but they’re often quite a bit older with grown up children or younger with no children. I’ve tried to socialise or at least appear friendly and be proactive about it. I don’t talk about my kids unless asked, I don’t complain and I try not to be too much in your face either. I’ve spent a long time watching and learning how those who are successful do it and I’m failing miserably. There is no formal mature students society and no appetite for one. I did look into it.

The creative industries rely on networking and if I’m failing in university to succeed at networking, what hope will I have in the real world?

Exams have just finished and that’s me until September with no social contact, no work to do and just being mum. I can’t afford to get a job as the childcare costs over summer will
be too great for us. My partner earns just enough that we can survive a few months without me having any student loans but it means free days out, no holiday and no hobbies for me.

Is this standard for mature students or is it just me?

@GregBrawlsInDogJail in my case, I was one of only two mature students, and the other one was 25, I was early 30s, so they fit more with the teens that me. I wasn’t too fussed because the course was so full on that I barely had time to socialise with my life long friends, let alone make news ones!

I just dropped lucky that the tutor groups I was assigned during my mentorship had a mature student in, my age, and we have similar personalities. I definitely wasn’t expecting to make new friends via it, I went into it wanting to help Y1 students attempt to study STEM when we couldn’t even go on campus, let alone into a lab.

If your Uni has similar OP then I’d suggest looking into it, because even without randomly meeting another mature student, I really enjoyed it.

Hey OP, I get you. It IS a lonely experience being at a different age and stage to others when having to spend the equivalent time of a full time job with them.

I had the same about 6 years ago, I was a good 10+ years older than my cohort, and the only mum. In the end all I could do was make the best of the time in class and have no expectations outside of it. As others have said, 20 year olds just don't want to hang out with someone they perceive as so different, they're not necessarily mature enough (some are!) to understand that diversity of all kinds brings a richness to relationships and experiences. No judgement, I was probably similar to them back in the day too!

I'm about to embark on further, vocational study and can't deny I feel a little glum at the idea of being back with younger ones once again, but I'm going to throw myself into the work, spend time with my own friends and kids outside of study and have zero social expectations on my classmates. But who knows, this cohort might surprise me. I also keep in mind how lucky I am to be able to study and work towards a better future rather than being stuck in a job I hate.

One massive bonus I've found over the past 5 years is that I walk into any job I apply for as I have so much more maturity, calmness and confidence than the people I studied alongside. I also get on well with managers etc as they are of a similar age to me.

There's nothing wrong with acknowledging this period is tough and reflecting on it - e.g. in job interviews. It shows resilience that you stuck with it despite unexpected challenges.

One massive bonus I've found …

Oh … I thought you were going to say something else! For me the bonus of studying amongst people so much younger than myself was that I gained a real insight into how a different generation thinks and what they feel is important to express as creative professionals. (So, not necessarily the sort of conversations one might have with younger family members.) That absolutely added another dimension to my own work, without taking away from my individual approach.

As a very mature student I really enjoyed the camaraderie of my tutors and other staff - I certainly never had those easy, respectful, ongoing relationships with academic staff during my undergraduate years.

(Oddly enough, I now remember there were mature students’ drinks nights at my MA institution. I don’t remember attending any, but as a pp commented, the course was so intense that I really only had time and energy to spend on people directly relevant to it.)

Isolation is an important issue though - the essence of “Am I too old to …?”. And probably something that might dissuade people from even applying.

I hope the OP will have time to return to the thread.

I dont know if its standard, but I feel the same OP. Plenty of people to chat to whilst at uni, but they're younger and all make their plans together. Not a single message unless it's specifically uni work related.
I'm considering (if my anxiety will allow) setting up a mature students society next year. Might help you meet others a bit more like minded?

Also don't discount younger students as being completely different to you so therefore not worthy of bothering with. I've had some really lovely, thoughtful, intelligent, mature conversations with younger students at 18/19 to my mid 40s. And have actually been invited out out a couple of times and for coffee/lunch etc. They are still people even tho they are a lot younger. And not all of them want a mad night out in the union. I suspect a couple that I know would love an invite round to mine for some nice home made food and a chat. Mainly cos they miss their mums tho and I am probably quite maternal.

I don't recognise this situation at all, nor the experiences of most recent posters. I was 43 when I commenced my undergraduate degree course. Only one other student was older, and she was really popular (and lovely too - we're still friends 17 years on).

I won't deny it was a huge culture shock going to uni after working in a professional environment for 25 years, but I made the best of it. There were a few mature students on my course, and yes we did gravitate towards each other, but I also got on well with the younger students, one of whom is now a very close friend.

I think maybe the difference is I didn't have any expectation of socialising with my cohort. I had a young family, a house to run, pets to care for, I had a part time job too. I didn't even think about the other students during uni breaks, I was just too busy. I also had long established friendships so wasn't particularly looking to make friends.

It's tough I know, and sounds like your cohort is particularly cliquey, so I would just keep your head down, lower your expectations and focus on the course. Perhaps look at clubs you could join at uni that interest you rather than looking for friendship on your course.

Another observation I'd make is both of my DC have been through uni and neither enjoyed it particularly. There's a lot of unrealistic expectation around the whole uni experience - many young students don't enjoy it either.

Hi OP. I feel the same. I’m a bit younger but my course is all people that are under 21, I also don’t really have any friends and hoped this would create some bonds. Sadly it’s just added to the feeling of isolation I know everyone will be out having a fun summer, I wish I was too. I just wanted to say that I sympathise, it’s really hard

Hi, sorry for lateness of reply. I was a mature student 10 years ago and graduated at 31. I noticed that the mature students tended to me more clicky clicky in contrast to the 18-21 year olds. Maybe just need to meet new people

I'm a mature student and feel very isolated. Mainly because I've had to move to a small town with little happening. There have been a number of whole group socials and a couple of parties that I've gone to but very little in the way of smaller drinks etc. People seem to have formed groups with their housemates really as part of the year was online. I've relied upon my existing networks and joined a walking group, things like that.

It's a shame the course hasn't been what you hoped for socially but if I'm honest, it sounds like your expectations were quite high and it was probably quite a tall order given that the others are at totally different life stages.

I think it might be helpful here to work out that you do want these social connections in yor life, regardless of the course, and work out where to find them. Are there any particular reasons for not having friends elsewhere and could you look to invest some time on building this area of your life- maybe rekindling old friendships, joining hobby groups, going on meetup?

Does your institution have a students union? You’ve said there is no appetite for a Mature Students Society but the SU will have a range of volunteering opportunities- during the teaching day, some mature students at my uni staff the reception desk, they are course reps and they help with big events and campaigns. Could be a great way to network and extend your opportunities.

I am a mature student similar in age to you and in a masters course (albeit distance learning), tbh I don’t feel like i ve any interest socialising with younger folks because they have a different wave length than me. Also due to my age and life experience i precieve things differently and find if hard to tolerate goofiness and naivity.

i also ve a full time job, where i can socialise and interact with my colleagues, so may be I don’t feel such a strong need to socialize with the younger generation.

in general, i think that its just difficult to interact and socialize with ppl, who are much younger than you. Better find other alternatives for some social interactions. Being lonely isnt a bad thing, it frees you up sometimes. Good luck

Do you have a mature student society? You might find friends there or if you don't talk to the SU about starting one.

Sorry to hear that, op. Sounds like you have been unlucky with your fellow students. When I was at uni, we had a mature student in our year (she was around 13 years older than the rest of us) and she came along to everything and we all got along really well, so I don't think it's common to exclude people.

I know you have children and are studying so you might not have lots of time available, but is there any way you could take up a hobby related to your degree? Either in the uni or outside? I feel that usually helps a lot to make new friends / contacts.

Hello there! Just wondering how did your education go? I just found your post and I just want to say that I am going though a similar situation at the moment and I understand the isolation of being a mature student and parent at the same time. The isolation of adult students is a real thing. I have read a couple of posts and articles about it. Mature students face some more unique challenges that actually make it harder for them.

When I went back to retrain to be a therapist after a 10 years carreer break i very much only stayed with a few mature students at breaks. We didn’t contact each other outside college and after we finished the course we never stay in touch. But I have managed to make a few very good therapist friends after I started working in my new career. I think it because I m passionate about my second career and people like my positive attitude in my job though I m not a positive person in general.

I had forgotten about this post and thanks to those reviving it for reminding me to update.

So lots of change in the summer between years 2 and 3. My partner took an amazing job and we moved half way across the country so I transferred institutions for my final year.

The difference in institution and attitude and the friendliness of the students (especially the younger ones)at the new place was vastly different to before. They were friendly, would drop in to my workspace for chats and would message / send random memes on social media. Nothing serious just normal human interactions.

When our degree show happened in the summer this year there was a lovely sense of camaraderie that just didn’t exist at the other institution. Everyone helped everyone else out and we all celebrated together on the opening day and night! A staff member who had worked at my previous institution pointed out the other place was awful for peer and staff support and while it was a prestigious uni it was full of entitled arseholes. More was said but needless to say it was a very validating conversation.

I find it really sad now that people are said different generations could not be sociable or friendly with each other because moving places has shown me that isn’t the case . A few of us graduates have hired a workspace together and we’ve just got funding to run workshops. I’m by far the eldest there but my age is not relevant at all . We don’t go clubbing thank god but we do… drink cups of tea and coffee with each other shock horror

I originally this thread feeling worse because people confirmed there was clearly something up with me expecting friendliness from course mates but I’m glad I can return and say I’ve set up in a CIC with my newer class peers and we all get on great. And I don’t ever have to speak about parenting with them either.

Hey OP, thanks for updating, it's good to hear how things improved for you.
Plenty to learn from all situations and I guess this is not different. Good luck for your future career

Well done op. Good to know you re happy.

I know how this feels everyone is pleasant but in my situation it swings both ways, I'm engaged, just bought a house and want to spend the summer gardening, not doing stuff I already did when I was there ages 10 years ago but I wish there was someone else my age who had the same interest and life situation, then I would want to hang out, I tried to party with them and the age difference was just to much for me if was a completely different culture all together. I feel like the odd one out and I hate that but I'm nearly finished now so just sucking up the last 3 months

I am glad things worked out for you! And no there is nothing wrong with trying to find peers.